Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.
I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.
I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.
This weekend was very much-needed. I got to spend it with not only my mom, but my family, and I finally feel like I belong. Though the trip was initially sad, it came with a lot of good memories.
We arrived at the hotel on Friday night, and we were completely exhausted. We checked in and got settled into the room. This room was truly amazing; we had a full kitchen and a mini living room, as well as a bedroom and bathroom. I’ve spent a lot of my life in hotels because of moving, and this one had to be one of my favorites. After we got some amazing Mexican food, we stayed in for the rest of the night.
Saturday was a rough one. We tried to keep our spirits up, but it was hard. Saturday, we finally buried my grandmother. Along with me and my mother, our family joined us as we said goodbye. It meant a lot to have everyone together. We ended up heading back to my great-uncle’s house and popped open a bottle of champagne. We decided to celebrate life then to mourn. I drank a bit too much, but I remember feeling happy to have family around. We ended up going out to dinner and spending the night talking.
Sunday was a bit easier. In the morning, I gave my mother a necklace and we headed over to my grandfather’s house (dad’s side) and had breakfast and hung out for a few hours. When we left, we had the greatest Mother’s Day lunch/dinner ever. We got 30 burgers and a large fries from white castle! We can’t get white castle where we are, so jumped at the opportunity.
Monday we hit the road and headed back. I hate that we had to leave, but knowing that we will go back makes it easier.
I am extremely tired, physically and mentally. I keep trying and pushing forward, I just wish it could go faster. I feel like I’m being held down by everyone else’s problems, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not in the position to go off the grid and disappear yet, but I can let my mind go and wander.
If I let my mental state run away, I think I would be better off. I would be a bit of a robot, but maybe that would be better right now. I will still care and have feelings, just not as many. I can’t control the situations that surround me, but I can control myself.
I’m going to let go for a while, and I will just focus on my future; I won’t have one if I give up, so I need to keep going.
In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.
I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.
With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.
One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.
I can’t stop yawning, and I keeping doing the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. My emotions are draining all of my energy and I don’t know what to do.
My first mistake was lowering my gates and thinning out my thick skin. I can be warm and caring, or a frigid bitch. Some people can switch off their emotions when they please. When I turn mine off, it’s very difficult for me to turn them back on and could end in complete isolation.
I now have to make a decision: continue to let my emotions to drain me and deal with the repercussions from them, or to turn them off completely and deal with those repercussions.