I Will Say it Here

I would like to start off by apologizing for leaving again without saying a word; I promise I didn’t leave to run home and use the bathroom again… I’m very scared right now, and fragile. I feel like I can’t stop shaking and all I want is to feel safe again. You help with that. You comfort me and make me feel that everything will be okay.

Unfortunately, my mind got the best of me tonight. I feel like a burden to everyone around me, like everything I do just makes things worse. I started to cry, and I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. I left because I didn’t want to wake you. I left tonight because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to scare you.

I want you to know this now: I care about you in ways that confuse the shit out of me, and I like it. I like how no matter how mad or upset I am, being around you makes me want to try and let the pain subside. You’re probably one of the strangest people I’ve met, and just as strange, if not more so.

It’s been a week since you asked me, and a few months since we met. You have given me the strength and the will to be myself, even if I’m being annoying. I would also like to add a fun fact about myself: I keep track of time and dates because it helps with my memory, not because I’m creepy… okay, I’m creepy but not that creepy.

Thank you for not letting me slip through the cracks. Thank you for continuing to stand by me and all my insanity. Thank you for being as fucked up as you are.

Thank you

Take the Good with the Bad

Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that  in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.

Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.

I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day.

What I Wanted to Say

It’s been a while, and that’s my fault… I pushed those away who were pure and I put up walls that I don’t know will ever be able to be fully destroyed. I weaved such beautiful tapestries to hide behind, as to not hurt anyone else.

I lost my way, and no matter what I say or do, it cannot change my actions, only alter how I move forward. I still follow you guys, watching your happiness and achievements, still wishing the best for all of you. I still hold all of you close to my heart, even if I’m just holding onto an illusion at this point.

I know I’m not well, and I will eventually gain the strength to fix it, but at least I’m aware now. I’m not brave, nor strong, but I have made progress… I am beyond proud of each and every one of you. You’re strong and beautiful and smart, and I’m lucky enough to say that I had you in my life, even if it was for a brief moment.

I hope your lives are full of light, even in the darkest moments. I hope you can see the beauty in yourselves. Finally, I hope that no matter what, you know that even though time has passed, that the part of me that’s still around kept will always be there for you guys.

You guys were my family, and I will always see it that way. I am truly sorry for what I did, and I don’t expect forgiveness or open arms, but I needed to apologize.

Now, go live life to the fullest, and stay as safe as you can in all of your journeys. You guys have done such great things, and I know all of your dreams will come true.

Truth or Dare

The other night started out like any other: people and drinks. A couple of shots in and we started playing truth or dare. I love the game, mostly because I’m good at it and I will take on almost any dare (within reason, of course).

We were a few rounds in and I picked truth. You asked me something very personal… well, not very personal, but it stopped me in my tracks. Anyone that knows me, knows that I’m terrible at conveying how I feel, even more so when I’m put on the spot. I lied. I lied during truth or dare.

So here’s the truth…

I didn’t love you, no, but saying that I could never love someone like you was a terrible thing to say… I never loved you, but I could have. I could have loved you, but that never happened.

I liked you, and cared about you more than I probably should have. I’m now at a point that I’m scared and my trust issues are coming back. I feel like a burden and I never want to bother you.

I’m sorry I broke the rules of truth or dare… I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry that I feel this need to hide how I feel, and I’m sorry that I’m broken.

I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

My Trip

This weekend was very much-needed. I got to spend it with not only my mom, but my family, and I finally feel like I belong. Though the trip was initially sad, it came with a lot of good memories.

We arrived at the hotel on Friday night, and we were completely exhausted. We checked in and got settled into the room. This room was truly amazing; we had a full kitchen and a mini living room, as well as a bedroom and bathroom. I’ve spent a lot of my life in hotels because of moving, and this one had to be one of my favorites. After we got some amazing Mexican food, we stayed in for the rest of the night.

Saturday was a rough one. We tried to keep our spirits up, but it was hard. Saturday, we finally buried my grandmother. Along with me and my mother, our family joined us as we said goodbye. It meant a lot to have everyone together. We ended up heading back to my great-uncle’s house and popped open a bottle of champagne. We decided to celebrate life then to mourn. I drank a bit too much, but I remember feeling happy to have family around. We ended up going out to dinner and spending the night talking.

Sunday was a bit easier. In the morning, I gave my mother a necklace and we headed over to my grandfather’s house (dad’s side) and had breakfast and hung out for a few hours. When we left, we had the greatest Mother’s Day lunch/dinner ever. We got 30 burgers and a large fries from white castle! We can’t get white castle where we are, so jumped at the opportunity.

Monday we hit the road and headed back. I hate that we had to leave, but knowing that we will go back makes it easier.

Emotional Runaway

I am extremely tired, physically and mentally. I keep trying and pushing forward, I just wish it could go faster. I feel like I’m being held down by everyone else’s problems, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not in the position to go off the grid and disappear yet, but I can let my mind go and wander.

If I let my mental state run away, I think I would be better off. I would be a bit of a robot, but maybe that would be better right now. I will still care and have feelings, just not as many. I can’t control the situations that surround me, but I can control myself.

I’m going to let go for a while, and I will just focus on my future; I won’t have one if I give up, so I need to keep going.

Train of Thought

In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.

I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.

With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.

One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.

It’s Tiring

I can’t stop yawning, and I keeping doing the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. My emotions are draining all of my energy and I don’t know what to do.

My first mistake was lowering my gates and thinning out my thick skin. I can be warm and caring, or a frigid bitch. Some people can switch off their emotions when they please. When I turn mine off, it’s very difficult for me to turn them back on and could end in complete isolation.

I now have to make a decision: continue to let my emotions to drain me and deal with the repercussions from them, or to turn them off completely and deal with those repercussions.