Dear Whoever You Are

Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.

The Honest Truth

Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

How to Feel

Hey, it’s been a while? How are you doing? How’s life? Me? Well, I’m okay, just a bit lost…

Last month, I got to meet my best friend. You know who he is. He helped me realize that I am a good person, and that what I went through isn’t my fault. How I handled it was bad, but I’m not a bad person.

A couple weeks ago, I ended up losing someone from my life that meant a great deal to me. This person was the first person I opened up to and also the first person I regret pushing out of my life. I know I hurt you, and it’s the biggest regret I have. I miss you, and I still care about you. You and I mirrored each other in humor and attitude. I don’t remember one call that we had that we didn’t laugh, even the last one had a couple of giggles… But as much as I hurt you, you hurt me. We both made promises that we didn’t keep, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry.

I cried for days after the night we said “I love you”, but not because I was happy… I was happy, but it’s what was said after that stung. I still loved you and would do anything for you. You were my best friend, and I still care. I was always loyal, up until you changed your relationship on Facebook. I was happy for you… That’s a lie, but I was happy you were happy. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I miss you, and I hate that I can’t say “Hi” anymore. The letter wasn’t meant to push you away or to hurt you, but it did and that’s my b. There’s a lot you and I have to talk about, and when you’re ready, you know how to reach me. I can’t promise it will be comfortable or even tolerable, but I need you to know what happened.

I know you will probably never see this, but if you do, I’m trying to be okay but it’s hard.

I’m trying my best right now, because we still walk under the same sun.

Haven’t I Learned?

There are many things that I’ve learned over the years. From looking both way before crossing the street, to chewing with my mouth closed. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I should have full control of my life and my feelings…

Oh wait, this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a walking, talking mess. I have control over very little, including myself. My feelings run rapid like a dog let off its leash. I have recently broken one of the golden rules when you become a working adult: don’t start liking one of your coworkers.

You can’t help who you fall for, hell knows I’m the poster child for that, but I tried so hard not to like anyone at my job because I was under the assumption that I wasn’t ready and that I could turn my feelings on and off like a light (this is where I went wrong… and I guess right). When you stop trying or looking for something, whatever it is will break down your door and climb right into your lap.

I have been a basket case lately due to work stress, and the added pressure of a middle school crush isn’t helping. I mean, it makes me happy because I am capable of feeling again after a terrible breakup, but it scares.

Do I know if he likes me back, or would even consider me? No, I honestly have no idea. Do I try and crush my feelings every chance that I get? I sure do, but it doesn’t work. All my friends say I should go for it, because life is too short and taking chances are apart of the experience, but I honestly have no idea how to go about it.

Learning My Place

Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned something amazing: I’m meant to be seen, but not heard. I’m meant to sit there and this to the world’s problems, but not have any of my own because they’re not as important. They become important when someone else has the same problem, but then it’s no longer my problem because it’s not as bad for me as it is for them. This isn’t geared at anyone specific, just everyone I encounter.

It’s fucking bullshit, but that’s life. From now on, I will only have a voice on here because it’s my blog. It makes me feel better and no one has to read what I write if they don’t want to. 

For the rest of the week, possibly the rest of the year, I will be limiting my interactions with others. I will continue to blog and stream, but I have no reason to continue to put myself in the position I’m in. For the rest of 2018, it’s about me.

I Will Say it Here

I would like to start off by apologizing for leaving again without saying a word; I promise I didn’t leave to run home and use the bathroom again… I’m very scared right now, and fragile. I feel like I can’t stop shaking and all I want is to feel safe again. You help with that. You comfort me and make me feel that everything will be okay.

Unfortunately, my mind got the best of me tonight. I feel like a burden to everyone around me, like everything I do just makes things worse. I started to cry, and I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. I left because I didn’t want to wake you. I left tonight because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to scare you.

I want you to know this now: I care about you in ways that confuse the shit out of me, and I like it. I like how no matter how mad or upset I am, being around you makes me want to try and let the pain subside. You’re probably one of the strangest people I’ve met, and just as strange, if not more so.

It’s been a week since you asked me, and a few months since we met. You have given me the strength and the will to be myself, even if I’m being annoying. I would also like to add a fun fact about myself: I keep track of time and dates because it helps with my memory, not because I’m creepy… okay, I’m creepy but not that creepy.

Thank you for not letting me slip through the cracks. Thank you for continuing to stand by me and all my insanity. Thank you for being as fucked up as you are.

Thank you

Take the Good with the Bad

Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that  in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.

Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.

I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day.

What I Wanted to Say

It’s been a while, and that’s my fault… I pushed those away who were pure and I put up walls that I don’t know will ever be able to be fully destroyed. I weaved such beautiful tapestries to hide behind, as to not hurt anyone else.

I lost my way, and no matter what I say or do, it cannot change my actions, only alter how I move forward. I still follow you guys, watching your happiness and achievements, still wishing the best for all of you. I still hold all of you close to my heart, even if I’m just holding onto an illusion at this point.

I know I’m not well, and I will eventually gain the strength to fix it, but at least I’m aware now. I’m not brave, nor strong, but I have made progress… I am beyond proud of each and every one of you. You’re strong and beautiful and smart, and I’m lucky enough to say that I had you in my life, even if it was for a brief moment.

I hope your lives are full of light, even in the darkest moments. I hope you can see the beauty in yourselves. Finally, I hope that no matter what, you know that even though time has passed, that the part of me that’s still around kept will always be there for you guys.

You guys were my family, and I will always see it that way. I am truly sorry for what I did, and I don’t expect forgiveness or open arms, but I needed to apologize.

Now, go live life to the fullest, and stay as safe as you can in all of your journeys. You guys have done such great things, and I know all of your dreams will come true.

Truth or Dare

The other night started out like any other: people and drinks. A couple of shots in and we started playing truth or dare. I love the game, mostly because I’m good at it and I will take on almost any dare (within reason, of course).

We were a few rounds in and I picked truth. You asked me something very personal… well, not very personal, but it stopped me in my tracks. Anyone that knows me, knows that I’m terrible at conveying how I feel, even more so when I’m put on the spot. I lied. I lied during truth or dare.

So here’s the truth…

I didn’t love you, no, but saying that I could never love someone like you was a terrible thing to say… I never loved you, but I could have. I could have loved you, but that never happened.

I liked you, and cared about you more than I probably should have. I’m now at a point that I’m scared and my trust issues are coming back. I feel like a burden and I never want to bother you.

I’m sorry I broke the rules of truth or dare… I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry that I feel this need to hide how I feel, and I’m sorry that I’m broken.

I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.