The Honest Truth

Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

Starting Inside

Hey everyone! I hope all of you are doing well! I know these few months have been insane, but I’ve gotten a lot of thinking done since being stuck in the house since last month, and I can finally say that I might be okay.

One of the things I started thinking about was everything I wanted to do with Rooplixoo, and what I am able to do from my room. So, I bought a decent microphone and I’m going to actually give myself a voice. I’m going to start a podcast, and streaming games and see where it goes.

I’m really excited about getting this podcast started. I’ve been looking for a notebook all day so I could start writing out plans for different episodes. I already have a few ideas, but I want to do this the right way, so I need to take notes and flesh out my ideas so that I can produce decent content.

I know I haven’t been as active on here as I initially wanted to be, but now I have all the time in the world… for now. I will keep you guys posted, and hopefully I will have the first episode up by next week.

That’s it for now! I hope everyone is making the best of being inside. As for our essential friends out there, thank you so much for kicking ass and powering through!

Stay healthy and safe, and hopefully you guys will hear from me soon!

It’s Something

Well, I was up all night watching video tutorials and going over my notes, and I finally figured out what I want to do and how I’m going to do it (sort of)….

In the picture, I have the main screen and two levels that follow. The main screen will display Pre-Hot 100 Singles and Hot 100 Singles, which the user will choose from. The second level will have a list of years, either 1940-1958 or 1958-2018, and they will enter the year they would like to see. On the third level, it will display the number one singles for that year.

This is where the tricky part comes in… I would like to have it so if the user wants to listen to one of the songs, they enter the number of the song and their browser will open up and play the corresponding video, but I think I will have to just have a link show up for them to copy and paste into the browser because I can’t seem to figure out how to get that to work.

I am really excited about this, and I feel really confident with my project. No, it’s nothing original, but it’s mine and that’s good enough for me!

Back in Black

Today was extremely jolting for me, and I’m glad I dyed my hair when I did! I ended up getting a call today, and I won’t say what it pertains to, but it made my day a lot brighter. I have a big day tomorrow, and my wonderful mother helped me get everything ready!

Outside of that, I did some school work and relaxed. Things are finally starting to fall into place for me, and with that in mind, my confidence in the future has been boosted.

I hope today was great for everyone, and know that sometimes the unexpected can be pretty great!

Playing Games

This morning is not going to be very productive because one of my favorite games, Stardew Valley, came out with multiplayer today. I absolutely love this game and, so far, multiplayer has made it a whole new experience for me.

Once I’m done being productive on a virtual farm, I will be working and getting through some lessons. I feel really good this morning, and surprisingly focused so I want to take advantage of it before my concentration goes away.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Beauty is Pain

I know what you’re going to ask…. “Paige, why is the main picture of you lying down with your shirt on backwards?” Well, kind reader, I got another tattoo! I spent my Sunday afternoon face down with a needle in my back. In that picture, I look like I’m in pain, which I was and still am, but the result was worth it!

new tattoo

My tattoo is of forget-me-nots, based off of a painting by Mary Walcott. This is my 6th tattoo, and by far the most painful. I absolutely love forget-me-not flowers. They’re flowers are tiny and sweet, and hold a very special place in my heart as far as flowers are concerned.

Forget-me-nots make me feel not so insignificant. If such a tiny flower can thrive and grow, I can, too. I will not be forgotten, nor disregarded. They remind me that even though I have experienced a lot of loss, that the memories will live on. Outside of the deeper meaning they have for me, they’re blue and I absolutely love blue!

When I got my first tattoo (which I will go into in another post), I swore to myself that I would never get another one. Now that I’m here waiting for my most recent one to heal, I love all of my tattoos. They have given me confidence to love my body.

Did I ever think I would be 22 with blue hair and tattoos? No, not in 3 lifetimes, but I’m finally able to hold my head high and love myself.

A Sign

This morning I woke up late, and wrote my morning post later than I usually do. After having a mild freak out and giving myself the third degree, I came to terms with what happened and started to think. I’m the boss and I make the rules. I then started to think about everything I want to do with Rooplixoo.

I want to start making videos and getting personal with the small but beautiful audience I have. I want to bring all of you into my life and on my adventures. I started this blog as motivation to get my life together, and now I use it as a space for my mind to run wild.

I almost gave up on this today, but I took my mistake and I’m turning it into something great. I’m going to keep on this path, creating whatever I come up with.

You Don’t Know

You don’t know this yet, but I love you. From the way that you smile when you get nervous, to the endless dreams we share with each other. It warms my heart to just be in your presence. Your eyes give me hope, and your voice eases me.

You don’t know this yet, but I am head over heels for the future – our future. All the small things we will get to do together, and the countless adventures we will go on. I am so nervous about it, but having you by my side gives me the ability to stand tall.

You don’t know this, but I always have and will fight for you. No battle is too great as long as I have you. No matter what happens, I will do my best to protect you.

You don’t know this yet, but you are me, and I am you.

Silver Lining

I was woken up from my nap at 3:40 PM to get some not-so-good news. Once again, the person who was going to be my new therapist cancelled on me only a few hours before the appointment because he just now realized that he didn’t take my insurance. I would have been able to accept this news a bit easier if my first appointment wasn’t pushed back a month and if he sounded even a bit sympathetic.

When I get stressed or upset about something I can’t control, I turn to music. So I turned on my computer and started jumping from song to song. As I was having my own solo dance party, I decided to check my blog and I saw something that I didn’t think I would see for a very long time… I reached 50 followers!

I have been doing this since December 31, and I am still amazed at how many people have enjoyed my content and have taken the time to follow me. Thank you all so much for giving me the drive to keep going and to have confidence in myself. It truly means the world to me.

Growing Stronger

Today, I wrote about two people who mean the world to me and how they kept me growing. What I didn’t mention is the strength they gave me and how much they helped me realize how strong I truly am.

I never thought of myself as strong, rather as someone who needed to be tough. What I’ve learned, though, is that being strong doesn’t mean standing alone and taking on the world by yourself. Everyone needs someone, whether it be for a laugh or a hug. We learn how to deal with what’s thrown at us from watching and interacting with others.

These two wonderful people, as well as others in my life, have helped me reach the conclusion that I am strong, I have potential and that I can make it in this world. Best of all, I never have to walk alone.