A Sign

This morning I woke up late, and wrote my morning post later than I usually do. After having a mild freak out and giving myself the third degree, I came to terms with what happened and started to think. I’m the boss and I make the rules. I then started to think about everything I want to do with Rooplixoo.

I want to start making videos and getting personal with the small but beautiful audience I have. I want to bring all of you into my life and on my adventures. I started this blog as motivation to get my life together, and now I use it as a space for my mind to run wild.

I almost gave up on this today, but I took my mistake and I’m turning it into something great. I’m going to keep on this path, creating whatever I come up with.

You Don’t Know

You don’t know this yet, but I love you. From the way that you smile when you get nervous, to the endless dreams we share with each other. It warms my heart to just be in your presence. Your eyes give me hope, and your voice eases me.

You don’t know this yet, but I am head over heels for the future – our future. All the small things we will get to do together, and the countless adventures we will go on. I am so nervous about it, but having you by my side gives me the ability to stand tall.

You don’t know this, but I always have and will fight for you. No battle is too great as long as I have you. No matter what happens, I will do my best to protect you.

You don’t know this yet, but you are me, and I am you.

Silver Lining

I was woken up from my nap at 3:40 PM to get some not-so-good news. Once again, the person who was going to be my new therapist cancelled on me only a few hours before the appointment because he just now realized that he didn’t take my insurance. I would have been able to accept this news a bit easier if my first appointment wasn’t pushed back a month and if he sounded even a bit sympathetic.

When I get stressed or upset about something I can’t control, I turn to music. So I turned on my computer and started jumping from song to song. As I was having my own solo dance party, I decided to check my blog and I saw something that I didn’t think I would see for a very long time… I reached 50 followers!

I have been doing this since December 31, and I am still amazed at how many people have enjoyed my content and have taken the time to follow me. Thank you all so much for giving me the drive to keep going and to have confidence in myself. It truly means the world to me.

Growing Stronger

Today, I wrote about two people who mean the world to me and how they kept me growing. What I didn’t mention is the strength they gave me and how much they helped me realize how strong I truly am.

I never thought of myself as strong, rather as someone who needed to be tough. What I’ve learned, though, is that being strong doesn’t mean standing alone and taking on the world by yourself. Everyone needs someone, whether it be for a laugh or a hug. We learn how to deal with what’s thrown at us from watching and interacting with others.

These two wonderful people, as well as others in my life, have helped me reach the conclusion that I am strong, I have potential and that I can make it in this world. Best of all, I never have to walk alone.

Fate

Sometimes when I sit down to write, I feel like Carrie from Sex and the City. I type and erase, think about Big for 6 seasons and dream about that beautiful walk-in closet. I don’t need someĀ glamorous closet, or brunch with the girls. I just need Big.

Since life isn’t a TV show, though there have been some pretty unbelievable things happen in my life, there isn’t a script. We write our own story, cut away to memories with friends and family, and create our own laugh track.

As I sit here writing, I’m also fixing my path. I figured I was going to be one of those women who did it all on her own, but that’s all changed. I have some really great people in my life, and I can’t do it without them. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, and I’m happy I stuck it out.

Life has a funny way of butting in, and now everything that has happened – every step and experience – makes sense.

Getting Ready

This week definitely had its ups and downs, but I feel good. I feel like I can take on anything, and it feels pretty great.

This weekend, I will be working, doing school work, and applying for a second job. If I want to be able to do the things I want and need to do, I need to do things I don’t really want to do. I remember when I was younger I didn’t want to be an adult, I just wanted to be old enough to have a bit of freedom. What I’ve learned is that freedom costs a pretty penny.

I know I’m going to have less free time, but maybe I will get to enjoy my down time a bit more if I have less of it. I know it won’t be easy, nothing is, but I have an amazing support team that drives me to better myself.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

An Explanation

In life, we give and are given many explanations to either clarify certain things or to defend our actions or opinions. It almost as if we’re on autopilot and just explain away everything we do. Is it always necessary?

Well, yes and no. It’s common courtesy to explain our actions if we hurt or upset anyone, or to iron out any details about a subject the recipient of the speech doesn’t understand. I don’t think it’s right to have to explain your reasoning if you’re trying to protect yourself or others.

Recently, I was put in this situation (to clarify, this isn’t about my breakup). It wasn’t the first time I was questioned for my actions, and I know it won’t be the last. Sometimes, personalities don’t mesh right and can lead to a toxic engagement between the two. I felt like I needed to step away and I was bombarded with questions and statements in front of others, which made me feel pressured to explain myself. In my mind, this isn’t okay.

I have been giving these explanations for my entire life, just to soften the blow instead of just saying, “Because I wanted/needed to.” I struggle with confrontation, as many people do, but for some reason this pushed me over the edge. I don’t know why this situation in particular stood out to me, but it did. I want to be able to get to a point where I feel comfortable and not criticized or attacked for what I do for myself. I know I can’t make everyone happy and like me, but I can make myself happy and like me, which is what I’m trying to do.

The homework for the week is to do something for yourself, even if it’s something small. For an hour, or even 30 minutes, do something for you. You are going to be stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so make the relationship as smooth as possible.

Like Riding a Bike

When I sat down to do my school work today, I thought I was going to have to review my notes for hours. Instead, I picked up where I left off and pushed on! I didn’t do much coding, but I did a lot of reading and took notes on pretty much everything!

When I took my student orientation, the speaker said that we wouldn’t need to take excessive notes. He said that because coding has such a great and welcoming community, that we will always be able to ask for help or find answers on the internet. I, however, didn’t listen and now I take not only title and number every single page in my binder, but take notes on everything, as well.

I can’t retain information unless I say it out loud and write it down. If the lesson I’m working on has a 5-minute video, it will take me around 30 minutes to take notes on it. I write down all the sample codes and shortcuts and make footnotes to help me remember. I’m even talking out loud as I type this. If I didn’t do any of this, my mind would be blank.

I have found that since I started coding and creating again, that my cognitive and analytical skills have become stronger, as well as I have been able to feel a sense of accomplishment with each lesson I complete. Coding essentially gave me a second chance and I’m truly happy.

Tomorrow, I will probably write about my educational journey thus far. It’s truly an interesting story, and I would love to tell it!

Shifting Gears

This week and next, I’m going to be strictly focusing on work and school. I want to get a lot done and I woke up today feeling driven to do so.

For work, I do data entry for two co-op buildings. I enter everything from maintenance requests to information about the units. It’s not the most exciting job, but I can literally work whenever I want.

For school, my main course is web development, while dabbling in software design, light IT, graphic design, and app development. I have taken on a ton of courses since September, but what better time to do all this than when I have all the time in the world? I enjoy coding; it’s like I’m constantly solving puzzles, and I love puzzles. At the rate I’m going, I’m going to be a forever student and I’m completely fine with this.

Between this blog, school, work and my social life, my time is spent mostly on the computer and it works for me. I enjoy immersing myself in technology, so I made it so I love everything I do.

I hope everyone has a beautiful Monday!

Moving On

I think I’ve spent enough thinking about how to write this post and I’m ready to open up. Recently, between the 11th and the 17th, I went through a break and eventually a breakup. I spent that week putting everything into perspective and trying to see if I could get past what happened. Obviously, I wasn’t able to. I’m okay now. I no longer hold the anger of an ex, but the rage of someone who can’t stand lies.

To keep things short, there was a trip and a lot of things were kept from me. It goes a lot deeper than that, but I’m not in the mood to go into detail. Now, I know being evasive isn’t technically lying, but not telling the truth is lying. Unfortunately, I needed to suggest a break to get the truth, but at that point, it was too late.

During the breakup, I did my best to stay civil, and I did my best to not place too much blame. I even apologized. Not only did I not get an apology, I didn’t get any closure from him. I’ve had a lot of peopleĀ  in my life leave with loose ends but, in that moment, I realized that I wasted almost 2 years of my life on someone who I thought I knew.

Like I said, I am completely fine and have moved past it. The fact that I didn’t even get the courtesy of an apology in the end, after all the lies and bullshit, makes my blood boil. Realizing that I had just been in the same situation again makes me mad at myself.

Over the past two weeks, though, I realized that I deserve to be happy, and I did just that. Through everything that happened, I still managed to smile and laugh and enjoy my time.

I walked away a better person, and I’m going to continue to grow and feel better about myself.

You know, I am sorry, though. I’m sorry to myself.