Haven’t I Learned?

There are many things that I’ve learned over the years. From looking both way before crossing the street, to chewing with my mouth closed. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I should have full control of my life and my feelings…

Oh wait, this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a walking, talking mess. I have control over very little, including myself. My feelings run rapid like a dog let off its leash. I have recently broken one of the golden rules when you become a working adult: don’t start liking one of your coworkers.

You can’t help who you fall for, hell knows I’m the poster child for that, but I tried so hard not to like anyone at my job because I was under the assumption that I wasn’t ready and that I could turn my feelings on and off like a light (this is where I went wrong… and I guess right). When you stop trying or looking for something, whatever it is will break down your door and climb right into your lap.

I have been a basket case lately due to work stress, and the added pressure of a middle school crush isn’t helping. I mean, it makes me happy because I am capable of feeling again after a terrible breakup, but it scares.

Do I know if he likes me back, or would even consider me? No, I honestly have no idea. Do I try and crush my feelings every chance that I get? I sure do, but it doesn’t work. All my friends say I should go for it, because life is too short and taking chances are apart of the experience, but I honestly have no idea how to go about it.

A Lesson

The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.

I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.

There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.

I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.

Finding My Way

I’m starting to settle into my new, insane schedule and it’s nice. I have something to do with myself 8 hours a day and it forces me to deal with difficult situations. I was extremely proud of myself today. I messed up a few times, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try.

I have met a lot of interesting people, both on staff and that come in for coffee, and that never would have happened if I didn’t come to this job. Even the not-so-pleasant ones entertain me. At the end of the day, I am exhausted to the point that I don’t even want to eat and I’m in autopilot, but I don’t dread getting up everyday nearly as much as I thought I would.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day and sleeps well! I know as soon as I’m done writing this, I am going to sleep.

A Long Day

Today marked the first of many, as I encountered someone who was a bit unpleasant… At the time, I actually got really upset to the point that I was fighting back tears, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t matter and I can’t keep wasting tears on people who aren’t worth it.

Over the past few days, I have dealt with such nice people, whether it’s customers or coworkers, and that’s what I need to focus on. I am very lucky to be working with people who are so understanding, and they make it worthwhile.

All I have to do and keep doing is focus on the good people and it will make working, and living, a lot easier. I know I can do it.

Early to Rise

There’s a first for everything, so here’s the first blog post written before 8 AM! I am pretty much ready to go, all I have to do is get in y work clothes and call an Uber and I’m set!

I’m not as nervous as I thought I would be, but I’m sure that will change as soon as I get there. I know everything will be okay, but until I’m in the thick of it, I will be freaking out a bit.

I have about 10 minutes before I got to get going, so I’m going to leave this here. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Back in Black

Today was extremely jolting for me, and I’m glad I dyed my hair when I did! I ended up getting a call today, and I won’t say what it pertains to, but it made my day a lot brighter. I have a big day tomorrow, and my wonderful mother helped me get everything ready!

Outside of that, I did some school work and relaxed. Things are finally starting to fall into place for me, and with that in mind, my confidence in the future has been boosted.

I hope today was great for everyone, and know that sometimes the unexpected can be pretty great!

Balance

One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

Something New

I had a rough morning, which was brightened by hearing my boyfriend’s voice. After that call, I started thinking about they layout of my blog… again! I still need to find a new theme, but I would like to start writing about long distance relationships (LDR). It won’t always be about romantic relationships, but about friendships as well.

I have been in many LDRs, including my current relationship. My last in person relationship was a few years ago, and that’s when I realized that the chances of the one being within walking distance is slim to none. The only thing that differs from long distance and in person is the physical aspect, but the rest of it is the same. We have our date nights and play games, we fall asleep together and send good morning texts.

Almost all of my friends are in another country, with the exception of a few who are in different states. With the ever-changing world of technology, it has really opened up my world and the past 6 years of my life would be completely different if it wasn’t for the internet. I found some of my greatest friends and the one because of something we¬†take for granted, and it still amazes me that I know these people.

I want to be able to write about my experiences with distance, because I think it’s a good outlet for introverts and people who feel completely alone. There’s a whole world out there and each call is like a mini vacation.