I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of believing anyone actually cares. I am angry and I have been shaking for fucking days. I keep trying, but I’m starting to think there is no point. I keep getting knocked down and I’m close to just staying down. Every single day, I fight a losing battle and I have nothing left to give.
No matter what’s going on, I need to remember my place: I am meant to be seen, not heard. I have no voice and the more I speak up, the more I get hurt. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, and I’m slowing down.
I’m sorry to everyone who has encountered me, and even more so to those who have to put up with me. I’m sorry to myself that I have thoughts and feelings and dreams, and that I never kept to myself.
I am not beautiful.
I am not strong.
I am not good enough.
This isn’t the end, but I’m done getting up.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned something amazing: I’m meant to be seen, but not heard. I’m meant to sit there and this to the world’s problems, but not have any of my own because they’re not as important. They become important when someone else has the same problem, but then it’s no longer my problem because it’s not as bad for me as it is for them. This isn’t geared at anyone specific, just everyone I encounter.
It’s fucking bullshit, but that’s life. From now on, I will only have a voice on here because it’s my blog. It makes me feel better and no one has to read what I write if they don’t want to.
For the rest of the week, possibly the rest of the year, I will be limiting my interactions with others. I will continue to blog and stream, but I have no reason to continue to put myself in the position I’m in. For the rest of 2018, it’s about me.
I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and for that I apologize. My depression, as well as, work and school have taken over my life, but I finally had time to sit down and write. This won’t be a happy post, but it’s something…
Tonight, I decided that I am done with pretty much everyone. I am tired of the bullshit and the lying and I honestly don’t care. I can’t continue to care about people who just use me. From this point forward, it’s about what I want and need, and what will make me happy. I will be nice, but don’t think for a second that me being kind means I’m your friend. Don’t think for a second that I’m getting stuck in the webs you spin and don’t even consider asking me if I’m alright, because I know you don’t care.
I am tired, physically and emotionally, and it’s not fair anymore.
I hope everyone has a goodnight.
Ever since I started working, my sleep schedule has become even more messed up than before. I originally told them that I can work any shift on any day, and I can, I just thought I would finally get my sleep back on track.
I like the shifts that I work, especially nights and early mornings. Today I will be working 2 PM – 10 PM with possible overtime because we’ve been short on nights lately. I love how crazy my schedule is because it works with everything I need and want to do.
I hope everyone has a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!
My day went from okay to mind-numbing. I can’t even put into words what I went through today, but I can guarantee you that my brain is scattered and all I can to is babble at this point.
I will write a more exciting post in the morning, but right now I need to lie down and zone out for a bit before I pass out. Overall, it was a good day, but it had some seriously messed up moments.
I hope everyone had a great day, or at least a tolerable one! Sleep well!
Do you ever have one of those days where you should have just stayed in bed? Well, that was one of them for me. It went from bad to worse as each hour passed and I am glad it’s finally over.
I get to spend the remainder of the day eating Chinese food and drinking wine while trying to relax before heading out to work again.
I hope everyone had a great Friday, but if you had a day like I did, I will definitely have a glass for you!
I have a 6 AM start, so I’m going to get in a nap for a few hours before I have to get up and going. If I don’t get to sleep in the next hour, I will probably just stare at the ceiling until I have to get up.
I get off at 2 PM, so I will have the rest of the day to take a nap and get some work done. I got some things done today, but not as much as I wanted to because I needed to get some sleep in!
Since I have today off, and I decided to sleep in and then take a nap before getting my day started. I was so tired yesterday that I passed out the minute I lied down.
In a little bit, I will be getting some work done on my courses and just taking it easy. I have an early start tomorrow, so I will have tons of time after work to get stuff done, as well.
I hope everyone has a great day!
I’m starting to settle into my new, insane schedule and it’s nice. I have something to do with myself 8 hours a day and it forces me to deal with difficult situations. I was extremely proud of myself today. I messed up a few times, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try.
I have met a lot of interesting people, both on staff and that come in for coffee, and that never would have happened if I didn’t come to this job. Even the not-so-pleasant ones entertain me. At the end of the day, I am exhausted to the point that I don’t even want to eat and I’m in autopilot, but I don’t dread getting up everyday nearly as much as I thought I would.
I hope everyone had a wonderful day and sleeps well! I know as soon as I’m done writing this, I am going to sleep.
I need to stop planning my days out because every time I do, something comes up. I ended up getting a bit sick this morning, so I spent the afternoon resting. I did get a few things done, but not as much as I wanted to.
Something exciting that is happening, though, is that I sent a box of gifts to my wonderful boyfriend and it should be getting there in a few hours according to the tracking app. I am so exciting for him to get it and I really hope he likes everything.
I head back to work in the morning (10 AM – 6 PM), and my mom will be visiting me at the end of my shift so she can see me in action!
I hope everyone had a wonderful day and have a great tomorrow!