The Truth

For the past few days, I’ve been extremely angry and I finally figured out why. I cannot stand fake people, and it pisses me off to know end when people say they care when they clearly don’t. Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang out with many people.

I’m naturally short-tempered and it physically hurts me when I’m around fake people; I don’t have the patience for it. If you don’t like me, fine, but don’t act like you do. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest. Yeah, it’ll sting a bit but not as much as a lie.

I am under too much stress to deal with this, and I can barely function as it is. I have maybe three people in my life that I trust with my life, but that’s it.

I hope everyone has a good day, and hopefully I’ll calm down as the hours pass.

Mistakes Happen

Today marks the first day that a morning post is an afternoon post. Due to stress, I haven’t been sleeping very well, and I just woke up a little bit ago. I’m extremely upset about this, and I feel like a fuck up. I’m trying to look at it as “shit happens”, but it’s hard for me to do.

My absolutely wonderful boyfriend, though, is telling me it’ll be okay and I trust him. I’m not going to give up, but maybe I should alter my schedule to one post when the sun is out and one post when the moon is out per day.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to write this post now. If I keep telling myself that, I feel better about it. I love this project, and I’m not going to give up on it; this blog has given me an outlet that I never really had before. I feel like I’m apart of something outside of myself and each day I get excited to write. This blog has given me my creativity back, and I’m not going to lose it again.

No Longer Afraid

For the longest time, I have felt like I’ve been under a microscope. This stems from people keeping up with my life that I’m no longer in contact with. Because of this, I constantly doubt myself, and fear that every action I take is being watched. I do my best every day, but the feeling of having eyes on me still lingers.

I am fighting it, thought, by continuing to put myself out there. I’m not going to shut down because someone wants to read up on me. I made the decision last night to go full force and to write what I want to write about without censoring myself.

I can’t keep hiding to protect the feelings of those who never protected mine. I’m not standing down anymore. If you want to keep up with Paige, do it. If you want to talk about me, do it. I’m no longer afraid to be myself, and I will continue to stay strong.

I Don’t Understand

This is going to be a more serious post. Recently, my depression has started to creep back in, bringing anxiety along with it. I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until earlier today when I took a nap.

When my depression is getting near its peak, I start to have dreams that have a beginning, middle and end, and they play out like a normal day. The longer I have these dreams, I start to blur my dreams with reality. The good thing is that I’m aware that it’s happening, but with the awareness comes panic attacks because the question of, “what’s real?” still lingers.

I’ve been having panic attacks since about 3 PM today, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. I’m trying to stay positive, and focus on the good things, but it’s really hard when I sit here and question whether or not they’re real.

Restless

I have always taken naps during the day, and been able to sleep at night. I have also been able to stay up for days at a time without skipping a beat. I can change my sleep pattern with a snap of my fingers, as well as being able to survive on 4 hours of sleep a night.

Over the past few days, I have been extremely tired, to the point of only being able to stay up for a couple of hours at a time before being so exhausted that I need to take a nap. I don’t know if it’s from the fall I took last month, if I’m sick or if it’s my stress/depression.

I had a fever on Sunday, but my stress has caused fevers so I can’t say for sure that I have the flu or a cold. I have also felt weak and slightly dizzy. Unfortunately for me, my symptoms could be from all three so the only thing I can do that I know will help is sleep.

Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop playing games until 2 AM, or maybe I’m finally catching up on my sleep after all these years. I just hope I go back to my¬†normal sleep routine soon.