I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

Too Distracted

I hate when I have days off because then I can stay up all night thinking. I can’t stand facing myself, so I try to stay as busy as I can. I go into work on my days off so I don’t sit in my room all day, sleeping for hours on end. I force myself to live on 3 hours of sleep a day so I’m too tired to process everything that’s going on around me. I drink with the goal of maybe catching a glimpse of who I used to be. Unfortunately, I’m alone and I now have to face myself. I have to cry and scream and forget that the pain will stop one day… but only for a while.

I don’t remember how to cope because I’ve been too busy. I barely functioning, and I’m leading a life of lies. I’m not who I was, but I pretend to be. I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I’m broken, heart and all. Every time I have the chance to start over, I either fuck it up or I don’t take the chance at all.

I’ve been desperately trying to push everyone away, because I’ve lost so much in my life that I can’t stand to lose anymore. All I want to do is disappear; to some people, probably most, I already have.

I can’t be distracted anymore, but I can’t stand to face this heartbreak. I’m slowly shutting down and maybe, for now, that’s for the best.

Goodnight.

Starting Over

I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and for that I apologize. My depression, as well as, work and school have taken over my life, but I finally had time to sit down and write. This won’t be a happy post, but it’s something…

Tonight, I decided that I am done with pretty much everyone. I am tired of the bullshit and the lying and I honestly don’t care. I can’t continue to care about people who just use me. From this point forward, it’s about what I want and need, and what will make me happy. I will be nice, but don’t think for a second that me being kind means I’m your friend. Don’t think for a second that I’m getting stuck in the webs you spin and don’t even consider asking me if I’m alright, because I know you don’t care.

I am tired, physically and emotionally, and it’s not fair anymore.

I hope everyone has a goodnight.

Long Time, No See

Hey guys, it’s been a while! I want to start off by apologizing for not writing everyday like I was, and I feel like I let myself down a bit with this project.

Over the past couple of weeks, my depression decided to rear its ugly head once more and I decided to stay away from the computer for a while (with exceptions, of course). I didn’t want to fill my blog with tons of angry and depressing posts, so I decided to take some time and work through it.

I thought a lot about this blog during my time off, and I realized that I trapped myself in a box. I had a set schedule and when it comes to writing, you can’t force creativity like that. I have decided that I will continue to write on a regular basis, but I won’t force it. I will write every day, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, but I won’t pressure myself into writing “perfect” posts. I’m not perfect, and neither is my writing.

I truly hope everyone has been doing well and hanging in there. I love you all!

An Off Day

I feel weird today. I’m not sad or angry, but I’m also not happy. I don’t want to do anything productive, and I’m tired of laying in bed. I guess I just feel off. I don’t know what to do or how I feel, so I guess I will just deal with it.

I think I will be okay, I should be, I just wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully I will feel better as the day goes on.

Too Tired

Another post started before noon, so no strike.

I had a rough day yesterday, as far as I now realize just how much I need to get away from my past. All it does it make me depressed and tired and I barely get anything done.

I’m not going to sit here and act like I have the worst past imaginable, but it was nowhere near being great. I have good memories, but even more bad ones. I struggle to let go because I’m constantly surrounded by what causes me pain. I constantly hope that it will change and get better, even though I know it won’t until I start over.

I’m going to try to distract myself today, maybe go down to the coffee shop and space out there for a bit. I will do what I need to do, but I will be on autopilot the entire time.

Starting Anew

Today is the day I start over. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing an hoping that everything will be okay, because that’s not how it works. I need to tear down and rebuild… I need to move forward.

I have gone through so much in my short time, and I need to try to get rid of my pain and sorrow. My past is starting to consume me, and I need to get out of my pattern of waking up and hoping that things will change. I will now wake up and make everything around me change. Waiting patiently is getting me nowhere fast.

I am working and going to school, yes, but outside of that I really don’t have much going on outside of my boyfriend and my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and my family, I just need something and I don’t know what it is.

I’m hoping once I get my life reorganized, I will figure out what I need to do. I have such a wonderful support team, but I need to give myself a bit of support, too.

Second Strike

This will be the second time I will be writing a post late, but at least this time it’s understandable. I have been extremely sad and stressed, which means I’m sleeping more. I have had so much on my mind and I can barely function.

Today will be spent on getting everything together for tomorrow and trying not to stress about every little thing. There is still so much that needs to be done, but I know everything will be sorted by tomorrow morning.

 

A Tough One

Today was extremely draining for me, and the rest of the week will be just as tough. I am so stressed and tired, and I feel like almost everyone has dropped me. I hate that I am the way I am, but I’m trying to see the good in myself in an attempt to feel better.

I don’t know what I can do anymore except to keep moving forward. I struggle to let go and move on from things that have happened to me, but I’m doing my best, just like everyone else. I’ve gotten to the point that I can block out a lot through temporarily shutting down or spacing out.

I struggle every day of my life, but it all boils down to me and how I’m going to handle it. All I can do for now is to keep pushing through all the shit until the day I am out. I am stronger than my situation, and I need to get through it.

“Friends”

In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.

This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.

I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.

I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.