I Survived

I just have to look at it as tomorrow is another day if I want to get through this. The days will start to blur together and make months, and those months into years. Eventually, I will spread my wings and soar and be free.

Until then, I will continue to keep my head down, and do my work and enjoy my time with the ones I truly love. I will sleep and wake up, and make my way through this battle against my mind. As long as I keep getting up, I will have a future.

One more day and we’re at the weekend. Sunday, I will be doing something very special for myself. I’m hoping that this thing will make me feel better and get back on track. I will be sharing this experience with all of you on Monday, but it will remain a secret until then. I enjoy secrets and surprises, probably a little too much but it gives me something to focus on.

I hope everyone has a great night and keeps fighting for a better tomorrow.

An Open Letter

Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

 

Losing Myself

I’ve been sleeping a lot… too much. When I’m up, I force a smile which is slowly breaking. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore and I’m struggling. I wish the strength I have been given was enough, but I need to find the strength in myself now.

I haven’t had the worst life, but it definitely wasn’t the best. I’m doing my best to make it better, but I need to be able to stay awake to get anywhere. I’ve been trying to focus on the good in my life, and it does help to have some sunshine in the storm, I just wish all I could focus on was the good.

I am strong, but I could be stronger, and that’s what I’m going to try to work on before it’s too late.

I Don’t Understand

This is going to be a more serious post. Recently, my depression has started to creep back in, bringing anxiety along with it. I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until earlier today when I took a nap.

When my depression is getting near its peak, I start to have dreams that have a beginning, middle and end, and they play out like a normal day. The longer I have these dreams, I start to blur my dreams with reality. The good thing is that I’m aware that it’s happening, but with the awareness comes panic attacks because the question of, “what’s real?” still lingers.

I’ve been having panic attacks since about 3 PM today, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. I’m trying to stay positive, and focus on the good things, but it’s really hard when I sit here and question whether or not they’re real.

Train of Thought

In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.

I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.

With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.

One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.

Just Like That

I was relaxed, not fully but I was getting there. My allergies are acting up, and I have a headache that’s so painful that it’s becoming difficult to focus.

I have a terrible temper, which I am desperately trying to gain control over. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I’ve been angry for so long, that the smallest things in existence, that most people wouldn’t notice, set me off. My anger isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’m playing the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability.

Due to my anger problem, I get headaches a lot because I tend to think and over-think situations that don’t matter; for some reason, I find the importance in everything that happens around me and sometimes it’s good, but a lot of the times it’s not. I am constantly stressed by myself and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost the battle to my mind.

I’m tired of being like this.

The Decision

In my last post, I talked about the ongoing war of emotions I face and the decision I had to make. Well, I made one. Unfortunately, it’s not the happiest of options.

I have decided that everyone who is truly close to me I will care about, but everyone else I will shutdown for. I no longer have the energy to care about or trust people I don’t know or care to know, nor do I want the hassle of their problems.

Eventually, when I’m not a cyclone of feelings, I will start to let new people in, but I am too tired to keep putting energy towards those who won’t put any towards me.

It’s Tiring

I can’t stop yawning, and I keeping doing the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. My emotions are draining all of my energy and I don’t know what to do.

My first mistake was lowering my gates and thinning out my thick skin. I can be warm and caring, or a frigid bitch. Some people can switch off their emotions when they please. When I turn mine off, it’s very difficult for me to turn them back on and could end in complete isolation.

I now have to make a decision: continue to let my emotions to drain me and deal with the repercussions from them, or to turn them off completely and deal with those repercussions.

Restless

I have always taken naps during the day, and been able to sleep at night. I have also been able to stay up for days at a time without skipping a beat. I can change my sleep pattern with a snap of my fingers, as well as being able to survive on 4 hours of sleep a night.

Over the past few days, I have been extremely tired, to the point of only being able to stay up for a couple of hours at a time before being so exhausted that I need to take a nap. I don’t know if it’s from the fall I took last month, if I’m sick or if it’s my stress/depression.

I had a fever on Sunday, but my stress has caused fevers so I can’t say for sure that I have the flu or a cold. I have also felt weak and slightly dizzy. Unfortunately for me, my symptoms could be from all three so the only thing I can do that I know will help is sleep.

Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop playing games until 2 AM, or maybe I’m finally catching up on my sleep after all these years. I just hope I go back to my¬†normal sleep routine soon.

The Uphill Battle Continues

I have depression, anxiety and a cocktail of assorted other mental problems. I’ve spoken about my struggles, as well as my progress with them in previous posts. This week has just been a comedy of errors.

I have been going to therapy for probably 2.5 years, and I didn’t take much away from it, but I had someone to talk to, which helped a ton. Through talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved, I gained footing on my life and was able to work through a lot of my issues.

On Monday, I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist because my previous one retired. I wasn’t to thrilled about opening up to someone new, but I was willing to give it a shot. Due to miscommunication about insurance, I had to cancel my appointment only a couple of hours beforehand because he called me and told me he didn’t take my insurance.

Throughout my life, I have been made to feel guilty for things that either weren’t my fault or that I had no control over. Now, I sit here, feeling a combination of guilt and like I was given up on (even though that’s not the case). I can’t help but to feel hurt by this, and it actually pisses me off that I’m upset about this.

Today, I get to spend it playing phone tag with various clinics and offices in an attempt to find a new therapist or psychiatrist. Here’s hoping I will be able to get somewhere on my journey.