Unsteady

Everyone gets to vent and rant and say irrational things when they’re upset. But me? No, I’m not allowed to be in my own head, or say stupid things when I’m upset. I’m never allowed to just get something off my chest without anyone putting their two cents in and I’m so fucking sick of it. Why am I expected to listen and support those around me when they’re upset, but my feelings aren’t just and I can’t just bitch.

I am so close to snapping and I just keep getting pushed further and further and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be everyone’s fucking rock when I have no steady ground.

I don’t know what to do anymore except cry in my room and sleep. All I have going for me is my education, and I can’t get through it fast enough.

I Have Nothing Left

I have reached my breaking point. The past few weeks have been a nonstop shit show and I am finally shutting down.

I have been repeatedly talked down to, told and treated like I’m not enough, harassed, bullied, targeted… and the worst part is that I have no control over it unless I leave or shutdown, and I have nowhere to go. The expectations that are set for myself by those around me are ridiculous as I’m not psychic nor a brick wall without feelings.

Everyone around has been going through a lot, and has come to me to talk about it and seek help, but I’m also going through shit but no one would know that because I’m not allowed to talk.

I’m not allowed to talk, or relax or do what I need to do to get out of here, so I’m going to sit here and be wrong and just accept that this is where I am right now because I have no other choice.

I have nothing left, and all I can do is go through the motions. I’m done pretending like I’m okay because it’s a waste of time.

Why?

Yesterday was extremely hard for me, but it allowed me to think about everything I’ve gone through in my short time on this planet. I noticed a pattern.

Why have I always been second best? Why am I never good enough? No matter how hard I try to do right by people, and be the best I can be, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.

Why are my feelings always put down or pushed away? Why is it that no matter who I talk to, I’m treated like I don’t matter, like my problems are nothing compared to what they’re going through? How is it fucking possible?

I am done. I’m done taking care of everyone in my life, because no one takes care of me, including me. I am going to be selfish, and only look out for myself because that’s all anyone does anyway.

I know, just because everyone’s jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean I should, too, but I am tired of being used and stepped on and thrown aside. I am done being picked last. I’m tired of being the one that gets all this shit handed to me and not getting any help, not even a fucking “please” or “thank you”. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter.

I matter. I’m a good person and no one fucking sees that and all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up to face this bullshit existence. It’s not fair anymore. This can’t be all that life has to offer, and I know that I have to make the most of it, but I can’t keep pushing through an endless pile of bullshit just to come out the other end and realize that I didn’t gain anything but aggravation.

I’m Done

I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of believing anyone actually cares. I am angry and I have been shaking for fucking days. I keep trying, but I’m starting to think there is no point. I keep getting knocked down and I’m close to just staying down. Every single day, I fight a losing battle and I have nothing left to give.

No matter what’s going on, I need to remember my place: I am meant to be seen, not heard. I have no voice and the more I speak up, the more I get hurt. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, and I’m slowing down.

I’m sorry to everyone who has encountered me, and even more so to those who have to put up with me. I’m sorry to myself that I have thoughts and feelings and dreams, and that I never kept to myself.

I am not beautiful.
I am not strong.
I am not good enough.

This isn’t the end, but I’m done getting up.

How It Is

Things have slowly been getting back to normal for me. I’m back in school full time, and I’m actually getting sleep. My mind isn’t as cluttered and I’m finally getting to my list of to-dos that I’ve been putting off. I completed my first stream; I played Minecraft with a couple of friends and it went really well. I finally feel like I’m getting back to who I am.

Unfortunately, settling back into who I am comes with complications… My depression is coming back at full force. Each day is a battle, so I’ve gotten back into staying up all night, going to sleep at around 8AM and waking up at around 3PM. I’m spacing out more and my chest is constantly tight.

I have people in my life, but I feel completely alone. I am completely alone. I refuse to let anyone in past the surface. I create these illusions for myself and others so I can pretend that everything is wonderful and fine. The truth is that I feel empty and all I’m doing is forcing myself to do what I need to do. 

I keep going, though… I keep trying and pushing.

I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

Too Distracted

I hate when I have days off because then I can stay up all night thinking. I can’t stand facing myself, so I try to stay as busy as I can. I go into work on my days off so I don’t sit in my room all day, sleeping for hours on end. I force myself to live on 3 hours of sleep a day so I’m too tired to process everything that’s going on around me. I drink with the goal of maybe catching a glimpse of who I used to be. Unfortunately, I’m alone and I now have to face myself. I have to cry and scream and forget that the pain will stop one day… but only for a while.

I don’t remember how to cope because I’ve been too busy. I barely functioning, and I’m leading a life of lies. I’m not who I was, but I pretend to be. I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I’m broken, heart and all. Every time I have the chance to start over, I either fuck it up or I don’t take the chance at all.

I’ve been desperately trying to push everyone away, because I’ve lost so much in my life that I can’t stand to lose anymore. All I want to do is disappear; to some people, probably most, I already have.

I can’t be distracted anymore, but I can’t stand to face this heartbreak. I’m slowly shutting down and maybe, for now, that’s for the best.

Goodnight.

Starting Over

I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and for that I apologize. My depression, as well as, work and school have taken over my life, but I finally had time to sit down and write. This won’t be a happy post, but it’s something…

Tonight, I decided that I am done with pretty much everyone. I am tired of the bullshit and the lying and I honestly don’t care. I can’t continue to care about people who just use me. From this point forward, it’s about what I want and need, and what will make me happy. I will be nice, but don’t think for a second that me being kind means I’m your friend. Don’t think for a second that I’m getting stuck in the webs you spin and don’t even consider asking me if I’m alright, because I know you don’t care.

I am tired, physically and emotionally, and it’s not fair anymore.

I hope everyone has a goodnight.

Long Time, No See

Hey guys, it’s been a while! I want to start off by apologizing for not writing everyday like I was, and I feel like I let myself down a bit with this project.

Over the past couple of weeks, my depression decided to rear its ugly head once more and I decided to stay away from the computer for a while (with exceptions, of course). I didn’t want to fill my blog with tons of angry and depressing posts, so I decided to take some time and work through it.

I thought a lot about this blog during my time off, and I realized that I trapped myself in a box. I had a set schedule and when it comes to writing, you can’t force creativity like that. I have decided that I will continue to write on a regular basis, but I won’t force it. I will write every day, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, but I won’t pressure myself into writing “perfect” posts. I’m not perfect, and neither is my writing.

I truly hope everyone has been doing well and hanging in there. I love you all!

An Off Day

I feel weird today. I’m not sad or angry, but I’m also not happy. I don’t want to do anything productive, and I’m tired of laying in bed. I guess I just feel off. I don’t know what to do or how I feel, so I guess I will just deal with it.

I think I will be okay, I should be, I just wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully I will feel better as the day goes on.