The Honest Truth

Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

Gotta Keep Fighting

I got some rest today. I’m still out of it and my knees are killing me, but I’ve dealt with worse. I’m just happy I can still walk around and function. I’m also really happy that I wasn’t alone.

It was really early in the morning (between 3 and 4 AM), and I was in a call with someone who I would be lost without. They stayed with me and tried to keep me awake until I passed out. I realized in that moment, that I could truly trust them no matter what and I wasn’t alone. I’m happy to have them in my life and by my side, and I’m truly happy to call them my best friend.

It had to be the most interesting falls in my life: having my headset fly in the other room because I hit my head so hard, and making that connection. We never used to talk much, but I’m happy I made the connection again. I needed them there, and I just hope they want me around when they have a spaz attack and hit the ground.

I have a lot going through my mind now. I’m getting closer with new friends and old ones, and I finally feel like I can breathe again.

If you guys read this, and you know who you are, thank you for making my life so much brighter. We’re in this through thick and thin, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!