The Strangest Thing

Over the past couple of days, my boyfriend and I have realized something we have in common: we are major nerds. We have spent hours watching videos and doing research on the original equator and how ancient civilizations connect to one another.

We keep bouncing ideas off of each other and getting excited when we reach the same conclusion. We’re learning a lot and coming up with our own theories, and I have never felt so happy about staring at a screen.

My mind is fried but I want to keep going… I need to keep going. I love learning about history and ancient cultures.

Weakened Strength

As with every other tattoo I have gotten, I’m sick. I’m achy and tired and nauseous and I don’t understand why I keep putting myself through this. I can’t stand how sensitive my body is with everything, but it does cut my healing time in half because it’s always trying to heal itself.

I absolutely love everything about my tattoos. Thinking about what I want to making the appointment and getting it done. Even waiting for it to heal is exciting, because each day is one day closer to it being completely finished. I just can’t stand how sick it makes me. I know I have at least another 3 days, and I’m hoping this time will go by quickly.

I’m going to get some rest, and shorten my recovery period even more. I hope everyone had a lovely Monday and sleeps well tonight!

Beauty is Pain

I know what you’re going to ask…. “Paige, why is the main picture of you lying down with your shirt on backwards?” Well, kind reader, I got another tattoo! I spent my Sunday afternoon face down with a needle in my back. In that picture, I look like I’m in pain, which I was and still am, but the result was worth it!

new tattoo

My tattoo is of forget-me-nots, based off of a painting by Mary Walcott. This is my 6th tattoo, and by far the most painful. I absolutely love forget-me-not flowers. They’re flowers are tiny and sweet, and hold a very special place in my heart as far as flowers are concerned.

Forget-me-nots make me feel not so insignificant. If such a tiny flower can thrive and grow, I can, too. I will not be forgotten, nor disregarded. They remind me that even though I have experienced a lot of loss, that the memories will live on. Outside of the deeper meaning they have for me, they’re blue and I absolutely love blue!

When I got my first tattoo (which I will go into in another post), I swore to myself that I would never get another one. Now that I’m here waiting for my most recent one to heal, I love all of my tattoos. They have given me confidence to love my body.

Did I ever think I would be 22 with blue hair and tattoos? No, not in 3 lifetimes, but I’m finally able to hold my head high and love myself.

Bottled Up

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

I Survived

I just have to look at it as tomorrow is another day if I want to get through this. The days will start to blur together and make months, and those months into years. Eventually, I will spread my wings and soar and be free.

Until then, I will continue to keep my head down, and do my work and enjoy my time with the ones I truly love. I will sleep and wake up, and make my way through this battle against my mind. As long as I keep getting up, I will have a future.

One more day and we’re at the weekend. Sunday, I will be doing something very special for myself. I’m hoping that this thing will make me feel better and get back on track. I will be sharing this experience with all of you on Monday, but it will remain a secret until then. I enjoy secrets and surprises, probably a little too much but it gives me something to focus on.

I hope everyone has a great night and keeps fighting for a better tomorrow.

An Open Letter

Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

 

Exhausted

I woke up at 3 AM today and I regret not going back to sleep. I don’t know why I woke up then, but hopefully I will make it through the day without taking a nap. I did get some work done, though, and I got to talk to my boyfriend so I’m not complaining.

We’re going to watch a movie soon, but we’re still deciding on what to watch. As simple as watching a movie is, I truly cherish every moment I spend with him. Getting to look over and know he’s there makes my entire day. I just hope that I don’t fall asleep during the movie like I usually do.

I’m too tired to keep writing, but I will hopefully be more awake tonight. Have a good day, everyone!

The Next Chapter

I was struggling today, and have been for a while, but something happened that actually gave me the push I needed and now I have my drive back.

I received an email from someone who read my blog, and they told me that I inspired them to start a blog of their own. I started shaking and almost cried. That made me so happy to read. I am over the moon and I hope this beautiful person has a wonderful journey with their blog.

I am no longer doing this for just myself, but for everyone that comes across this place, whether they just stop by or take off their jacket and stay for a while. I’m going to start streaming and making videos, as well as just putting myself out there and having fun.

Life can be really rough sometimes, but the small things make it worth it. I never thought I would get any of the comments I’ve gotten, or that email; I just broke 60 followers and I couldn’t even imagine the day that I would have 10 followers. I want to thank you guys for inspiring me to keep going. I am so grateful for each and every single one of you. I truly feel like I have a voice and I’m heard.

Two Steps Forward?

I just woke up and I’m exhausted and full of anger. All I do is try to look forward to my future, but getting there is going to take a while. The stress is making me restless and I’m trying to put that energy into moving forward.

At this point, I don’t know if I’m taking giant strides forward or slowly crawling to my destination, but at least I’m going in the right direction.

Looking Forward

Do you ever just look at someone and know that no matter what happens that everything will be okay? You could have your entire world destroyed and just seeing their face restores everything back to normal. I have that, and I have had that for quite a while.

He has been in my life for quite a while now, and I have never felt safer than I do with him. Outside of giving me hope and happiness, he gave me the strength to keep moving forward. I believe now that I can keep going, and things will get better.

When I think about the future, it isn’t dull anymore. I actually smile when I think about all the adventures we will have and the small things we will share. Even now, as we’re sitting on Skype and he’s playing a game, I can’t help but smile when I look at him.

Outside of being my boyfriend, he’s my best friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side as I attempt to navigate this crazy world.