Unsteady

Everyone gets to vent and rant and say irrational things when they’re upset. But me? No, I’m not allowed to be in my own head, or say stupid things when I’m upset. I’m never allowed to just get something off my chest without anyone putting their two cents in and I’m so fucking sick of it. Why am I expected to listen and support those around me when they’re upset, but my feelings aren’t just and I can’t just bitch.

I am so close to snapping and I just keep getting pushed further and further and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be everyone’s fucking rock when I have no steady ground.

I don’t know what to do anymore except cry in my room and sleep. All I have going for me is my education, and I can’t get through it fast enough.

Why?

Yesterday was extremely hard for me, but it allowed me to think about everything I’ve gone through in my short time on this planet. I noticed a pattern.

Why have I always been second best? Why am I never good enough? No matter how hard I try to do right by people, and be the best I can be, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.

Why are my feelings always put down or pushed away? Why is it that no matter who I talk to, I’m treated like I don’t matter, like my problems are nothing compared to what they’re going through? How is it fucking possible?

I am done. I’m done taking care of everyone in my life, because no one takes care of me, including me. I am going to be selfish, and only look out for myself because that’s all anyone does anyway.

I know, just because everyone’s jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean I should, too, but I am tired of being used and stepped on and thrown aside. I am done being picked last. I’m tired of being the one that gets all this shit handed to me and not getting any help, not even a fucking “please” or “thank you”. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter.

I matter. I’m a good person and no one fucking sees that and all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up to face this bullshit existence. It’s not fair anymore. This can’t be all that life has to offer, and I know that I have to make the most of it, but I can’t keep pushing through an endless pile of bullshit just to come out the other end and realize that I didn’t gain anything but aggravation.