Starting Over

I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and for that I apologize. My depression, as well as, work and school have taken over my life, but I finally had time to sit down and write. This won’t be a happy post, but it’s something…

Tonight, I decided that I am done with pretty much everyone. I am tired of the bullshit and the lying and I honestly don’t care. I can’t continue to care about people who just use me. From this point forward, it’s about what I want and need, and what will make me happy. I will be nice, but don’t think for a second that me being kind means I’m your friend. Don’t think for a second that I’m getting stuck in the webs you spin and don’t even consider asking me if I’m alright, because I know you don’t care.

I am tired, physically and emotionally, and it’s not fair anymore.

I hope everyone has a goodnight.

Second Choice

Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Another Roadblock

Don’t you just love it when you feel motivated to do tons of work and then your virtual machine decided to act up and the repositories aren’t cloning properly? Me too! I already have problems focusing paired with anger issues and anxiety, so this just triggers the perfect trifecta!

I am doing my best to keep calm and not give my laptop swimming lessons. I need to step away from the virtual and physical machines for a while and maybe watch some TV. I just wanted to get some work done, and I guess that’s not written in the stars for me right now!

I hope everyone has a good and relaxing night! I will be here staring at my virtual machine, waiting for it to shut down!

Placing Blame

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.

For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.

“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.

I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.

I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.

Balance

One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

Bottled Up

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

Giving Up

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

Growing Up

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.

The Truth

For the past few days, I’ve been extremely angry and I finally figured out why. I cannot stand fake people, and it pisses me off to know end when people say they care when they clearly don’t. Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang out with many people.

I’m naturally short-tempered and it physically hurts me when I’m around fake people; I don’t have the patience for it. If you don’t like me, fine, but don’t act like you do. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest. Yeah, it’ll sting a bit but not as much as a lie.

I am under too much stress to deal with this, and I can barely function as it is. I have maybe three people in my life that I trust with my life, but that’s it.

I hope everyone has a good day, and hopefully I’ll calm down as the hours pass.

Mistakes Happen

Today marks the first day that a morning post is an afternoon post. Due to stress, I haven’t been sleeping very well, and I just woke up a little bit ago. I’m extremely upset about this, and I feel like a fuck up. I’m trying to look at it as “shit happens”, but it’s hard for me to do.

My absolutely wonderful boyfriend, though, is telling me it’ll be okay and I trust him. I’m not going to give up, but maybe I should alter my schedule to one post when the sun is out and one post when the moon is out per day.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to write this post now. If I keep telling myself that, I feel better about it. I love this project, and I’m not going to give up on it; this blog has given me an outlet that I never really had before. I feel like I’m apart of something outside of myself and each day I get excited to write. This blog has given me my creativity back, and I’m not going to lose it again.