An Open Book

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.

Busy Bee

Today and my weekend will be filled with work, school and I will finally be getting around to giving this blog a much-needed remodel. I spent all last night thinking about everything I want to do and how I want to go about doing it.

First of all, I need to update my about page. It’s a bit outdated now that I’m not just focusing on makeup and being girly. After I do that, I will be good to move onto phase two of the update which will consist of a new layout. The layout I have now was good in the beginning but now I need something a bit different.

Once I have Rooplixoo looking the way I want it to, I will be covering a wide range of topics. I have really limited myself with what I write about now and I want to truly put myself out there and talk about anything and everything. With a name like Rooplixoo, I have the freedom to create content about whatever pops into my mind.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a great weekend!

Rewind and Unwind

Sometimes, it’s good to go back to a simpler time. For me, that meant making a  terrible blanket fort, cookies and watching YouTube videos. I have been very stressed lately, to the point that it was causing physical pain and I needed to try to contain it before it got out of hand.

At the end of the day, I am out of cookies and almost out of stress. I am amazed how much something so simple helped so much. I think from now on, every Friday will be Blanket Fort Day. If I can do something that alleviates some of my emotional pains, I will.

Overall, my Friday was very relaxing and I’m happy I made my shitty, one-blanket blanket fort. I cried a lot, but it was such a relief to let all of that pain out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to keep hiding how I feel, especially my anger and sadness.

I hope to get a lot of work done this weekend, as my to-do list just keeps growing and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m going to get things in order and work through it all.

Perspective

The other morning, I ended up going outside to take pictures of the snow for my friends. I haven’t enjoy the snow in years, mostly because I can’t stand the cold, but it was different. Everything was quiet, and there were no bunny prints on the ground. All I could hear was me. It was like I was completely alone.

There are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I normally enjoy it, but this was amazing. I finally saw just how beautiful being alone can be. I was standing outside in my pajamas and I didn’t feel cold. It was like it was my time to just be. I am alone a majority of the day, but I know there are people around. There was nothing, and it reminded me of why I became a night owl in the first place: I enjoy the silence.

Depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to enjoy things in my life, but in that moment I was there instead of millions miles away thinking about how I fucked up on that math test in 3rd grade or that random woman who glared at me in the mall back in high school. I was just watching snow fall at 5 AM, and it was all mine.

It was truly amazing, and I hope that everyone can experience that. I finally feel like I can control my thoughts. Will I always want to? No, but I have the option to and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wasn’t angry, sad, excited or happy, I was just there. I can’t stand getting up that early, but if I’m up, I might step outside and see if I can recreate what I felt.

I’m nowhere near being 100% okay, but I don’t think anyone is. All I know is that even when my battle is at its worse, I can just be. I am still extremely sad and feel an emptiness that is more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced, but at that moment I felt like I had something to cling onto.

I’m out of whack, and probably will be for a while, but this is the first time I can say that I will survive again.

A New Month

January had its ups and downs, but it’s time to say hello to February! Over the past month, a lot of things have changed for me and it’s because I started Rooplixoo. This blog has given me the power and strength to keep going.

When I started this project, I expected this blog to just be about makeup and beauty. As I woke up each day, I kept having new ideas for what I wanted to do and now I’m kind of doing everything. I learned that I can’t keep trying to limit myself. I have a voice in a lot of different areas and I want to share it all.

To be completely honest, I didn’t think anyone would read my posts or even see the site. I now have 27 followers and I want to thank all of you for connecting to this project and inspiring me to keep growing. I didn’t think my thoughts had a place in this world, and all of you proved me wrong. Thank you so much for sticking with me.

This month, I have a lot planned for Rooplixoo. The site will be undergoing a few changes (new theme, new pages and new topics), I will be planning out videos for the future and a top-secret mini project is in the works! I know I will be adding more side projects and goals as I make my way through February, as well as the rest of the year.

I know I’m already on this journey, but it has truly only just started. I am so happy to have this project and I’m beyond grateful for the people who have taken the time to read my writing. I know I don’t have a set schedule for what I’m going to write about, and I’m trying to get more organised with what I want to post, but I kind of enjoy not knowing; it’s like a surprise every single time I sit down to write.

I hope everyone had an amazing January, and has an awesome February!

Five Books, One Plan

I just finished my nightly workout and I am exhausted. Everything is sore, but I feel surprisingly relaxed. I had to change a couple of the exercises tonight due to existing back problems, but I should get the same results in the end!

Today, I set out to relax and make bullet journals for everything I’m doing. As I searched through my piles of notebooks, I picked the final contenders for the job. I’m really excited to get them all set up and start using them. I have all of my pens ready and a ton of scrap paper to help me plan the layout for each one. Since I slept a lot today, I will probably spend tonight working, relaxing and getting the journals squared away (maybe even play a game or two)!

I’m still a bit stressed from today, but I’m a lot better than I was before. I’m just hoping that everything will be a bit better tomorrow. All I can do now is take it slowly and do my best!

Keeping up With It

Today marks day 2 of my routine, and it’s going pretty well. I got up and did some school work, and exercised. With 3 out of 5 tasks completed, I think I will count this day as successful.

I’ve noticed that even in this short amount of time, I have gained a tiny bit of energy. Normally when I take naps, they can last 4+ hours, but today I only napped for about 2 hours. I will always need to take naps during the day (I’m tired person in general), but if I can my naps down to about 1.5 hours, I will have so much more time to do the things I want and need to do.

I’ve even been drinking more water! I filled my bottle up twice today, which is a huge improvement from filling it every other day. I don’t know how long I will keep at this, but I will keeping doing so for as long as I can. So far, though, I really like the short-term improvements I’m seeing.

Tonight, if I can’t fall asleep, I will be making a more precise schedule for my posts and drawing up how I want each page to look. I’m extremely proud of myself and I want to see this project through because I truly think I can do this!