An Open Book

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.

Word Problems

Growing up, spelling and grammar were two of the many things that my mother made sure to constantly go over with me. I am a firm believer in knowledge being power, but what I’m starting to see is knowledge is being based off of loosely-based truths and it’s spreading.

I don’t remember how the subject came up, but we were talking about there, their, and they’re. More specifically, how you could use any of the spellings in a sentence, but with context clues, can figure out what the person is trying to say. Now, I do agree with that notion, but it doesn’t make it correct or acceptable. If I were to type, “I’m going over their“, you would know I meant “there”.

Even though the words sound the same, the meanings are different. Their is the possessive case of the pronoun they. There can be used as an adverb to mean a place or location (e.g. “I’m there now.” or “It’s over there.“), or as a pronoun at the beginning of a sentence (e.g. “There is hope.”). They’re is a contraction of they and are (e.g. “They’re going to the park today.).

Like to, too, and two, they all sound the same but mean different things, and just because you understand what is being said, doesn’t mean that you should get into the habit of using the wrong spelling. My grammar and spelling aren’t perfect, and when I catch my errors, I make sure to correct them. I’m not a “Grammar Nazi”, and I don’t go around with a red pen correcting people, but it’s getting to a point where the younger generations are picking up on these habits and soon, we will be throwing out many of the basic rules of English because “it’ll be easier”.

English has many rules, and is very difficult to master, but using words in the wrong context just makes it that much harder.

That’s the end of my rant. I’m sorry if this pissed anyone off. Like I said, my spelling and grammar aren’t perfect, so if there are any errors in this post, or any of my other ones, please leave a comment and let me know.

A Huge Revelation

The past couple weeks have been nothing but stress, and now they’re finally over… except they’re not, not for me anyway, and it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t vent without being told that I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. Whether or not it’s meant to make me feel like I’m wrong, it does. Just to clarify, because unfortunately I have to, this goes for multiple people in my life.

So, here’s my solution. I’m avoiding everyone’s problems and focusing on myself, like everyone else. I’ve realized that a majority of my problems are someone else’s and not my own, and since I’m not allowed to alleviate my pain through venting, I’m just going to step back and be selfish. Yeah, you shouldn’t do what everyone else is doing because it’s easier, but I’m done being a verbal punching bag for whoever needs it and then getting only getting the satisfaction that they feel better, because I don’t. I know you shouldn’t do things merely to reap the rewards of a job well done, but how much more am I supposed to take without getting anything.

I am going on a vacation for the time being. I don’t know if it will be a mental or physical vacation, but it’s going to happen because I think I’ve earned that much.

I’m pissed, and I’m only being pushed further by those around me. I still care about all of you, but I’m putting myself first now and if that’s an issue then that’s on you.

Uncensored Truth

Last night into early this morning, I wrote a post about how I’m getting back on my original path, but my depression is tagging along. That post was sugar-coated. I am getting back to who I was and my depression is coming back, but I didn’t share all of it. This post will be about everything that I’m going through.

I am back in school full time, and I’m happy about that. What I’m not happy about is that I have to stay up all fucking night because someone in my house decided to adopt a fucking dog and not train it. So the only times the dog isn’t howling is at night. So now, I have gone back to my original sleep schedule so I can get my work done. But now that I’m staying up all night and sleeping all day, I’m sacrificing my time with people I care about, such as my boyfriend. So let’s move onto that point.

I have a boyfriend and he makes me happy. I love spending time with him and he makes me feel safe. Do I love him? I’m starting to fall for him, yes, but I will never fucking say those three words; every time I fall for someone, I end up falling on my face. I repress my feelings and thoughts so then when I end up alone and forgotten, I don’t hurt as much. It’s no way to live life, but that’s how it is.

Now for the reason I’m writing all of this. I literally have no one that I can truly vent to. Everyone bitches to me about every little thing that happens to them, but I get about 5 minutes until they either say they don’t want to talk about it or I end up saying something that reminds them of something that they want to bitch about. So, here I am, venting to strangers on the internet, because I can’t get an appointment with a psychiatrist and I don’t know what else to do.

I made a promise on this blog long ago to be as transparent as possible, so here’s the truth: I hate what I go through just to live, but what I’m going through isn’t truly living. I know everyone goes through this, and it’s not that big of a deal, but I literally lost my life when I moved here and now I have to fight to get it back.