Tag: struggling

Choose Your Battles Wisely

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Hello everyone! As always, I hope you’re doing well! It’s been a minute since the last time I posted, and I’m sorry about that! I’ve been working on new artwork and overlays for my stream, as well as getting some school work done! Before we get started with today’s post, I do want to clear up a few things… Everything that I will be saying is based off of my experience, and is in no way meant to target everyone. This is more of an emotional vent because the things that have transpired have been weighing heavy on my mind and I process my thoughts and feels best through writing. With all of that out of the way, let’s get started…

I have played computer games for a majority life, starting with the Jumpstart series, all the way through the Nancy Drew games, and now I play a bit of everything. About 8 years ago is when I started playing multiplayer games and have met some wonderful people that I am more than happy to have in my life. Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. I encountered rage and kicks and all that good stuff. I didn’t let it stop me, though! I kept going and I will most likely play games for the rest of my life.

I am nowhere near good at games, but I play them to enjoy them and experience new things. Due to me not being the best at games, there are people who seem to take on the roll of carrying me through these games and talk down to me like I don’t know what I’m doing. I have been given the simplest of tasks and then praised or comforted like a child depending on whether or not I succeeded in the assignment at hand. I’ve been told that I’m good at games for a girl, which is utter bullshit. I’ve been belittled and insulted due to how I play and create. I will say this, even though it shouldn’t have to be said, I’ve received this treatment from every walk of life regardless of gender, sexuality, religion, etc..

I’m not here to be the best, I’m not even here to be good. I’m here to have fun and share who I am through creating. For the most part, I absolutely love the twisted family I’ve created and appreciate all of you so much for being in my corner over the years.

I really needed to get that off my chest and I honestly feel a lot better. I’m going to keep fighting and pushing forward because if I let the actions of others get me down, I would have tapped out in kindergarten!

I love you all, and I hope I didn’t upset any of you with this post. Keep kicking ass, keep creating, and most importantly, keep being you!

Absolutely No Time

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I’m trying here, I really am. I just checked my punch card and it says I have a little over 97 hours for the pay period. I know, who complains about overtime? It’s only 17 hours, but I barely have time to breathe. This is being an adult: working, no social life, no down time, no nothing. I have no problem putting in extra work, or going above and beyond, but I’m sacrificing a lot and I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

I need a job, there’s no question about that. I just feel like I’m so far off from where I wanted to be in life and I don’t know how to even get back to where I need to be. I want to get back into this. I had so many plans for Rooplixoo – blog, streaming, videos, podcast, business – and I still do, but finding the time to do it is beyond difficult. I need this outlet, I need you guys, I need all of this.

I remember how happy I was when I got my first subscriber after my mom, and I was so taken away by the fact that my work was powerful enough to get someone to want to see more. I didn’t do this to become famous or popular, I did this for me. I have always been an outcast, and I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m not going to do anything hasty and quit my job to blog full-time, but I need to figure out a way to get my life to a point that I’m happy with it.

I still love you guys, and forever will.

Stay strong kids ♥

I’m Lost

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More recently, I’ve been questioning every decision that I’ve made over the past couple of months. Due to certain actions and events, and trusting the wrong people, my paranoia and anxiety have shot through the roof, I don’t feel safe anywhere. I have problems sleeping whether I’m home or at someone else’s house, and I’m stuck in my head.

I feel lost, and I don’t know where to begin so I can get back to where I was. I know my depression is creeping back in, and I’m holding it back as much as I can, but I’m becoming weaker.

I have to start over and rebuild myself… again. I have to erase all thoughts and feelings and attempt to rewire my brain. I have nothing left to give with this version.

I’m Sorry

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Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

Too Tired

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Another post started before noon, so no strike.

I had a rough day yesterday, as far as I now realize just how much I need to get away from my past. All it does it make me depressed and tired and I barely get anything done.

I’m not going to sit here and act like I have the worst past imaginable, but it was nowhere near being great. I have good memories, but even more bad ones. I struggle to let go because I’m constantly surrounded by what causes me pain. I constantly hope that it will change and get better, even though I know it won’t until I start over.

I’m going to try to distract myself today, maybe go down to the coffee shop and space out there for a bit. I will do what I need to do, but I will be on autopilot the entire time.