More recently, I’ve been questioning every decision that I’ve made over the past couple of months. Due to certain actions and events, and trusting the wrong people, my paranoia and anxiety have shot through the roof, I don’t feel safe anywhere. I have problems sleeping whether I’m home or at someone else’s house, and I’m stuck in my head.
I feel lost, and I don’t know where to begin so I can get back to where I was. I know my depression is creeping back in, and I’m holding it back as much as I can, but I’m becoming weaker.
I have to start over and rebuild myself… again. I have to erase all thoughts and feelings and attempt to rewire my brain. I have nothing left to give with this version.
Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.
I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.
I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.
Another post started before noon, so no strike.
I had a rough day yesterday, as far as I now realize just how much I need to get away from my past. All it does it make me depressed and tired and I barely get anything done.
I’m not going to sit here and act like I have the worst past imaginable, but it was nowhere near being great. I have good memories, but even more bad ones. I struggle to let go because I’m constantly surrounded by what causes me pain. I constantly hope that it will change and get better, even though I know it won’t until I start over.
I’m going to try to distract myself today, maybe go down to the coffee shop and space out there for a bit. I will do what I need to do, but I will be on autopilot the entire time.