Bad dream, okay day.
Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.
Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.
I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day.
Yesterday into last night, I had the talk… not the sex talk (I’m a bit too old for that). This talk was about feelings. Before I get into the bulk of it, I will tell you a story about the last time I was really confronted with my feelings and it was a bit of a horror story.
I was 12, and I was good at it. I was awkward and bitchy and just started to really hate my body. The joys of puberty! Now, I had a crush on this boy in my class for a while, and being the shy girl that I was, there was no way in hell that I was going to say anything. Eventually, it ended up coming out on the playground and my secret spread like wildfire. I was so mortified and upset that I didn’t go back to school for a few days. In my absence, things only got worse, as they do in middle school.
Fast forward to last night… I have since gotten over that day in 7th grade, but I’m still awkward and uncomfortable with talking about my feelings and will shy away. My heart was pounding and I’m pretty sure every butterfly in existence got nice and comfortable in my tummy. Writing about it now, I’m still nervous and freaking out.
Last night, I grew a pair for about 5 seconds, said how I feel the good feelings and then made the whole thing awkward and acted like a freak, as I do. I’m happy, believe me, I am, but I am a wreck because I just am. I can be loud and outgoing about the most ridiculous things, but the minute the question, “Do you like me?” is asked, I lose all sense of how to act like a human being.
Like I said, I’m happy, I just hate that I’m in a constant state of blushing and not making eye contact.
Last night, I ended up having this really deep conversation with a friend of mine… well, it was more of me crying and him talking. I will not go into detail just yet about what the conversation was about, mostly because I’m too lazy to write all of it out.
I spent the rest of the night staring at a wall going over everything that was said, and I still am. There was one thing that was brought up that I can’t shake, and I don’t know why. So, I’ve decided that I will be writing about it, but not on here. I will be attempting to write a book (again).
I know there’s an endless list of people who write stories and get published, but I finally feel like I have something that I can write about. The most common piece of advice I’ve been given about writing is to write what I know about, but I’m not doing that with this book. I’m going to be writing about one thing in particular that I don’t know, and I think that’s why I’m so driven to write about it.
At some point, if and when I get far enough into the book, I will be drawing up short surveys that I will be posting on here, as well as in local coffee shops, so I can gain perspective from all walks of life.
It’s been a while, and that’s my fault… I pushed those away who were pure and I put up walls that I don’t know will ever be able to be fully destroyed. I weaved such beautiful tapestries to hide behind, as to not hurt anyone else.
I lost my way, and no matter what I say or do, it cannot change my actions, only alter how I move forward. I still follow you guys, watching your happiness and achievements, still wishing the best for all of you. I still hold all of you close to my heart, even if I’m just holding onto an illusion at this point.
I know I’m not well, and I will eventually gain the strength to fix it, but at least I’m aware now. I’m not brave, nor strong, but I have made progress… I am beyond proud of each and every one of you. You’re strong and beautiful and smart, and I’m lucky enough to say that I had you in my life, even if it was for a brief moment.
I hope your lives are full of light, even in the darkest moments. I hope you can see the beauty in yourselves. Finally, I hope that no matter what, you know that even though time has passed, that the part of me that’s still around kept will always be there for you guys.
You guys were my family, and I will always see it that way. I am truly sorry for what I did, and I don’t expect forgiveness or open arms, but I needed to apologize.
Now, go live life to the fullest, and stay as safe as you can in all of your journeys. You guys have done such great things, and I know all of your dreams will come true.
The other night started out like any other: people and drinks. A couple of shots in and we started playing truth or dare. I love the game, mostly because I’m good at it and I will take on almost any dare (within reason, of course).
We were a few rounds in and I picked truth. You asked me something very personal… well, not very personal, but it stopped me in my tracks. Anyone that knows me, knows that I’m terrible at conveying how I feel, even more so when I’m put on the spot. I lied. I lied during truth or dare.
So here’s the truth…
I didn’t love you, no, but saying that I could never love someone like you was a terrible thing to say… I never loved you, but I could have. I could have loved you, but that never happened.
I liked you, and cared about you more than I probably should have. I’m now at a point that I’m scared and my trust issues are coming back. I feel like a burden and I never want to bother you.
I’m sorry I broke the rules of truth or dare… I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry that I feel this need to hide how I feel, and I’m sorry that I’m broken.
More recently, I’ve been questioning every decision that I’ve made over the past couple of months. Due to certain actions and events, and trusting the wrong people, my paranoia and anxiety have shot through the roof, I don’t feel safe anywhere. I have problems sleeping whether I’m home or at someone else’s house, and I’m stuck in my head.
I feel lost, and I don’t know where to begin so I can get back to where I was. I know my depression is creeping back in, and I’m holding it back as much as I can, but I’m becoming weaker.
I have to start over and rebuild myself… again. I have to erase all thoughts and feelings and attempt to rewire my brain. I have nothing left to give with this version.
Tonight, I decided on something that I didn’t think I would be doing for a while, and it’s definitely not for the reason I thought I would be doing it.
Since early June, I’ve been working in fast food as a shift manager… well, that’s what I was hired as, anyway. I knew it was going to be rough, but I was up for the challenge. After a few weeks, I started to find my way and make a place for myself under the golden arches (if that’s not a big enough hint as to where I worked, I don’t know what else to tell you).
With every work place, there’s drama and secrets. I thought I was stronger, but I’m not. I am, however, driven to move forward, because tonight I decided to quit. I am constantly being told that I can’t do my job, so I’m not going to do it. I’m going to focus on school, get my degree and do what I want to do. It’s going to be hard, but at least I know with this path that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel instead of a brick wall.
As I’ve mentioned before, I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, but I can control it for the most part. I haven’t been able to control it for about a month now and being aware of that destroys me. I am broken and I’m doing my best to fix myself. Life is too short, and I’ve done too much to let this place drag me down.
To all of you from work who read this: I am sorry for not being strong enough to stick around for a bit longer, and I’m sorry for all the days I snapped and broke down on front counter. Thank you for the laughs and the experience.
Here’s to the next chapter…
Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.
I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.
I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.
I hate when I have days off because then I can stay up all night thinking. I can’t stand facing myself, so I try to stay as busy as I can. I go into work on my days off so I don’t sit in my room all day, sleeping for hours on end. I force myself to live on 3 hours of sleep a day so I’m too tired to process everything that’s going on around me. I drink with the goal of maybe catching a glimpse of who I used to be. Unfortunately, I’m alone and I now have to face myself. I have to cry and scream and forget that the pain will stop one day… but only for a while.
I don’t remember how to cope because I’ve been too busy. I barely functioning, and I’m leading a life of lies. I’m not who I was, but I pretend to be. I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I’m broken, heart and all. Every time I have the chance to start over, I either fuck it up or I don’t take the chance at all.
I’ve been desperately trying to push everyone away, because I’ve lost so much in my life that I can’t stand to lose anymore. All I want to do is disappear; to some people, probably most, I already have.
I can’t be distracted anymore, but I can’t stand to face this heartbreak. I’m slowly shutting down and maybe, for now, that’s for the best.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I don’t know who to trust, but this time I’m handling it differently. I’m hurt, yes, and I do feel abandoned but I’m not stopping myself from saying what I need to say. In fact, it’s making me talk more.
I’ve learned that everyone talks, no matter how good of a person they might be. The thing is, I don’t want anyone else telling my story until I’ve had a change to tell it myself, no matter how short the story is. I am trying to be as transparent about who I am and what I go through, even if I get judged mercilessly. At least if I’m the one telling my story, I am being judged for what actually happened and not some twisted version of it.
I don’t care if anyone likes me. There’s plenty of people out there that don’t like and many more that hate me. To be honest, I’m not too fond of myself but I’m starting to grow on me. I don’t need people to like me, but I would prefer them to dislike me for the truth than like me for a lie.