Back in the saddle.
Yesterday was extremely hard for me, but it allowed me to think about everything I’ve gone through in my short time on this planet. I noticed a pattern.
Why have I always been second best? Why am I never good enough? No matter how hard I try to do right by people, and be the best I can be, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.
Why are my feelings always put down or pushed away? Why is it that no matter who I talk to, I’m treated like I don’t matter, like my problems are nothing compared to what they’re going through? How is it fucking possible?
I am done. I’m done taking care of everyone in my life, because no one takes care of me, including me. I am going to be selfish, and only look out for myself because that’s all anyone does anyway.
I know, just because everyone’s jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean I should, too, but I am tired of being used and stepped on and thrown aside. I am done being picked last. I’m tired of being the one that gets all this shit handed to me and not getting any help, not even a fucking “please” or “thank you”. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter.
I matter. I’m a good person and no one fucking sees that and all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up to face this bullshit existence. It’s not fair anymore. This can’t be all that life has to offer, and I know that I have to make the most of it, but I can’t keep pushing through an endless pile of bullshit just to come out the other end and realize that I didn’t gain anything but aggravation.
Today was one of those days that I always feared… I was left alone with a child. Now, I’ve watched kids before and I adore children. Today was the first time that my mom wasn’t up the street.
The child in question is my boyfriend’s youngest. He is adorable and clever. He’s 3 years old and he’s good at it. I’ve watched him before along with his older brother, but I was worried that since I was going to be the only one there that he would be scared because the only thing that was truly familiar was the environment. Obviously, I’ve spent time with these boys and I’ve gotten to know them, but this was the first time it was just me and the little one.
We started off with a pizza party for two and watched Chiro, a children’s show about these chickens and their adventures. He watched it on and off but then quickly became bored with it.
We then moved onto nap time, which was awesome! Once he fell asleep, I dozed off for about 15-20 minutes before I heard this tiny voice shout, “Paige wake up!” So, I got up. Chiro was still playing and he went back to eating his pizza.
He then got a bit cranky and started throwing legos around. I tried telling him to stop, which didn’t work, so I did what and sensible person would do and put Barney on.
Now, I was raised on Barney so I looked up one of the tapes I used to watch and the minute the theme started playing, he sat down and stared at the screen. I was in shock. After I got home I told my mom about it and she said I used to do the same thing.
We were dancing and giggling for the hour it was on. It was probably the greatest thing I’ve ever gotten to do. It was so simple and it was fucking awesome.
Once it was over, I found a video compilation of a bunch of songs and we continued to dance, and even sing along. In this moment, I felt like I was on top of the world! It was awesome!
I was so scared that I would fuck up, or that the day would be full of crying (mostly on my part), but it was nice. I watched him as a favor, but I am so grateful that I got to spend the day with a really cool little kid!
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As I start my journey into 2019, I finally hit my goal of 100 followers! In the beginning, I didn’t think I would even get 10 followers. To know that I’ve reached so many people in a year truly makes me happy.
2018 had many up and downs, and this blog helped me work through a lot. This blog was about getting my life back on track and utilizing what I had at my disposal, but it’s done so much more than that. I’ve gained confidence and inspiration to do what I want to do. I feel like I can be myself and it’s okay that I have emotions and thoughts.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work, those who reached out when I was sad, and the ones who pushed me to keep going. All of you have shown me love and gave me a reason to pick myself up over and over again.
I love you all. Thank you.
It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.
Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.
I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.
I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.
Now that the holidays are said and done, I’m starting to feel a bit better. I’m not 100%, but I feel slightly lighter. With that being said, I have focused some of my energy on an old project of mine: starting a business.
I know, I know… I start new projects all the time and then forget about them until I rediscover them. I have a good feeling about this though. I won’t go into too much detail about the business just yet, but I will tell the story of it.
Two years ago, I dropped out of college because of my wonderful mental problems and I was trying to find something to do with my time. I starting making things and realized that I could do something with it. I worked out a budget and found everything I would need to start this journey… but then I ran out of money and I gave up on the whole thing.
About a week ago, I found my old notebook that I wrote everything down in and the drive to do it came back. I have the entire product line sorted out, and I even have the business plan underway, all I have to do is pick 1 or 2 products to start with and grow from there. No one built an empire overnight, so I need to stop trying to. If I start small, I will be able to stay on track with everything else.
I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of believing anyone actually cares. I am angry and I have been shaking for fucking days. I keep trying, but I’m starting to think there is no point. I keep getting knocked down and I’m close to just staying down. Every single day, I fight a losing battle and I have nothing left to give.
No matter what’s going on, I need to remember my place: I am meant to be seen, not heard. I have no voice and the more I speak up, the more I get hurt. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, and I’m slowing down.
I’m sorry to everyone who has encountered me, and even more so to those who have to put up with me. I’m sorry to myself that I have thoughts and feelings and dreams, and that I never kept to myself.
I am not beautiful.
I am not strong.
I am not good enough.
This isn’t the end, but I’m done getting up.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned something amazing: I’m meant to be seen, but not heard. I’m meant to sit there and this to the world’s problems, but not have any of my own because they’re not as important. They become important when someone else has the same problem, but then it’s no longer my problem because it’s not as bad for me as it is for them. This isn’t geared at anyone specific, just everyone I encounter.
It’s fucking bullshit, but that’s life. From now on, I will only have a voice on here because it’s my blog. It makes me feel better and no one has to read what I write if they don’t want to.
For the rest of the week, possibly the rest of the year, I will be limiting my interactions with others. I will continue to blog and stream, but I have no reason to continue to put myself in the position I’m in. For the rest of 2018, it’s about me.
Last night into early this morning, I wrote a post about how I’m getting back on my original path, but my depression is tagging along. That post was sugar-coated. I am getting back to who I was and my depression is coming back, but I didn’t share all of it. This post will be about everything that I’m going through.
I am back in school full time, and I’m happy about that. What I’m not happy about is that I have to stay up all fucking night because someone in my house decided to adopt a fucking dog and not train it. So the only times the dog isn’t howling is at night. So now, I have gone back to my original sleep schedule so I can get my work done. But now that I’m staying up all night and sleeping all day, I’m sacrificing my time with people I care about, such as my boyfriend. So let’s move onto that point.
I have a boyfriend and he makes me happy. I love spending time with him and he makes me feel safe. Do I love him? I’m starting to fall for him, yes, but I will never fucking say those three words; every time I fall for someone, I end up falling on my face. I repress my feelings and thoughts so then when I end up alone and forgotten, I don’t hurt as much. It’s no way to live life, but that’s how it is.
Now for the reason I’m writing all of this. I literally have no one that I can truly vent to. Everyone bitches to me about every little thing that happens to them, but I get about 5 minutes until they either say they don’t want to talk about it or I end up saying something that reminds them of something that they want to bitch about. So, here I am, venting to strangers on the internet, because I can’t get an appointment with a psychiatrist and I don’t know what else to do.
I made a promise on this blog long ago to be as transparent as possible, so here’s the truth: I hate what I go through just to live, but what I’m going through isn’t truly living. I know everyone goes through this, and it’s not that big of a deal, but I literally lost my life when I moved here and now I have to fight to get it back.