I can’t keep going like this.
It’s been a while, and I do apologize. The past month has been a bit hectic, so here I am with some time on my hands.
As of right now, I am currently dying of girl disease (AKA wicked period cramps). I slept at boy’s place until 3PM, got up, came home, did school work and went to dinner with said boy and got sick there… went to his, felt sick again… went home… it was a day!
Now for the events of the past months… During the first month of February, I went to an interview and got hired on the spot! I now work at Ulta Beauty as a beauty adviser and I enjoy it a lot. The best part is that I get to do my makeup more often which means I will be blogging about makeup again! I only work 3-4 days a week which gives me plenty of time to do school work.
Valentine’s Day was great. I worked that day (only 5 hours) and I was surprised to see my boyfriend waltz in to come get me from work. We left and headed to Eat n’ Park (my choosing), and spent the night together. It was really nice and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
School is going well, I have finally caught up after all the new curriculum was added and I’m a little over 25% through my course. I’ve completed over 40 lessons in less than a week and I feel like everything is back on track.
For the next few months, I will be getting back into writing (on here and on my books), streaming and making videos, and school. I’m really happy with how I’m doing and where I’m headed.
The past couple weeks have been nothing but stress, and now they’re finally over… except they’re not, not for me anyway, and it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t vent without being told that I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. Whether or not it’s meant to make me feel like I’m wrong, it does. Just to clarify, because unfortunately I have to, this goes for multiple people in my life.
So, here’s my solution. I’m avoiding everyone’s problems and focusing on myself, like everyone else. I’ve realized that a majority of my problems are someone else’s and not my own, and since I’m not allowed to alleviate my pain through venting, I’m just going to step back and be selfish. Yeah, you shouldn’t do what everyone else is doing because it’s easier, but I’m done being a verbal punching bag for whoever needs it and then getting only getting the satisfaction that they feel better, because I don’t. I know you shouldn’t do things merely to reap the rewards of a job well done, but how much more am I supposed to take without getting anything.
I am going on a vacation for the time being. I don’t know if it will be a mental or physical vacation, but it’s going to happen because I think I’ve earned that much.
I’m pissed, and I’m only being pushed further by those around me. I still care about all of you, but I’m putting myself first now and if that’s an issue then that’s on you.
Yesterday was extremely hard for me, but it allowed me to think about everything I’ve gone through in my short time on this planet. I noticed a pattern.
Why have I always been second best? Why am I never good enough? No matter how hard I try to do right by people, and be the best I can be, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.
Why are my feelings always put down or pushed away? Why is it that no matter who I talk to, I’m treated like I don’t matter, like my problems are nothing compared to what they’re going through? How is it fucking possible?
I am done. I’m done taking care of everyone in my life, because no one takes care of me, including me. I am going to be selfish, and only look out for myself because that’s all anyone does anyway.
I know, just because everyone’s jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean I should, too, but I am tired of being used and stepped on and thrown aside. I am done being picked last. I’m tired of being the one that gets all this shit handed to me and not getting any help, not even a fucking “please” or “thank you”. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter.
I matter. I’m a good person and no one fucking sees that and all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up to face this bullshit existence. It’s not fair anymore. This can’t be all that life has to offer, and I know that I have to make the most of it, but I can’t keep pushing through an endless pile of bullshit just to come out the other end and realize that I didn’t gain anything but aggravation.
Today was one of those days that I always feared… I was left alone with a child. Now, I’ve watched kids before and I adore children. Today was the first time that my mom wasn’t up the street.
The child in question is my boyfriend’s youngest. He is adorable and clever. He’s 3 years old and he’s good at it. I’ve watched him before along with his older brother, but I was worried that since I was going to be the only one there that he would be scared because the only thing that was truly familiar was the environment. Obviously, I’ve spent time with these boys and I’ve gotten to know them, but this was the first time it was just me and the little one.
We started off with a pizza party for two and watched Chiro, a children’s show about these chickens and their adventures. He watched it on and off but then quickly became bored with it.
We then moved onto nap time, which was awesome! Once he fell asleep, I dozed off for about 15-20 minutes before I heard this tiny voice shout, “Paige wake up!” So, I got up. Chiro was still playing and he went back to eating his pizza.
He then got a bit cranky and started throwing legos around. I tried telling him to stop, which didn’t work, so I did what and sensible person would do and put Barney on.
Now, I was raised on Barney so I looked up one of the tapes I used to watch and the minute the theme started playing, he sat down and stared at the screen. I was in shock. After I got home I told my mom about it and she said I used to do the same thing.
We were dancing and giggling for the hour it was on. It was probably the greatest thing I’ve ever gotten to do. It was so simple and it was fucking awesome.
Once it was over, I found a video compilation of a bunch of songs and we continued to dance, and even sing along. In this moment, I felt like I was on top of the world! It was awesome!
I was so scared that I would fuck up, or that the day would be full of crying (mostly on my part), but it was nice. I watched him as a favor, but I am so grateful that I got to spend the day with a really cool little kid!
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Just click on that link and it will bring you to the survey. It shouldn’t take much time and it would help me out a lot!
Thank you! 🙂
As I start my journey into 2019, I finally hit my goal of 100 followers! In the beginning, I didn’t think I would even get 10 followers. To know that I’ve reached so many people in a year truly makes me happy.
2018 had many up and downs, and this blog helped me work through a lot. This blog was about getting my life back on track and utilizing what I had at my disposal, but it’s done so much more than that. I’ve gained confidence and inspiration to do what I want to do. I feel like I can be myself and it’s okay that I have emotions and thoughts.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work, those who reached out when I was sad, and the ones who pushed me to keep going. All of you have shown me love and gave me a reason to pick myself up over and over again.
I love you all. Thank you.
It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.
Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.
I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.
I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.
Now that the holidays are said and done, I’m starting to feel a bit better. I’m not 100%, but I feel slightly lighter. With that being said, I have focused some of my energy on an old project of mine: starting a business.
I know, I know… I start new projects all the time and then forget about them until I rediscover them. I have a good feeling about this though. I won’t go into too much detail about the business just yet, but I will tell the story of it.
Two years ago, I dropped out of college because of my wonderful mental problems and I was trying to find something to do with my time. I starting making things and realized that I could do something with it. I worked out a budget and found everything I would need to start this journey… but then I ran out of money and I gave up on the whole thing.
About a week ago, I found my old notebook that I wrote everything down in and the drive to do it came back. I have the entire product line sorted out, and I even have the business plan underway, all I have to do is pick 1 or 2 products to start with and grow from there. No one built an empire overnight, so I need to stop trying to. If I start small, I will be able to stay on track with everything else.
I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of believing anyone actually cares. I am angry and I have been shaking for fucking days. I keep trying, but I’m starting to think there is no point. I keep getting knocked down and I’m close to just staying down. Every single day, I fight a losing battle and I have nothing left to give.
No matter what’s going on, I need to remember my place: I am meant to be seen, not heard. I have no voice and the more I speak up, the more I get hurt. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, and I’m slowing down.
I’m sorry to everyone who has encountered me, and even more so to those who have to put up with me. I’m sorry to myself that I have thoughts and feelings and dreams, and that I never kept to myself.
I am not beautiful.
I am not strong.
I am not good enough.
This isn’t the end, but I’m done getting up.