Dreaming

To say I had a rough night emotionally is an understatement… Between the gloomy weather and everything that’s happening, my paranoia is peaking, and I’m doing my best to cope with it and stand on my own two feet to face it all. 

Do to the stress, I had a very strange dream. I was in my room, and there was pillow stuffing everywhere. I turned around and my teddy bear, the one I’ve had my entire life, was completely destroyed. I ended up having a mental breakdown and throwing everything I owned out the window. When I woke up, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Yes, I’m 23, but I love my bear. He has been with me through it all. Every move, every heartbreak, everything. It’s one of the few things that I have that bring me comfort and there’s nothing that could get me to get rid of him.

I feel like there’s a lump in the bottom of my throat, and my chest is tightening. I force myself to eat through my nausea and all I want is a hug and to be told that everything will be okay. 

I need everything to be okay.

I Will Say it Here

I would like to start off by apologizing for leaving again without saying a word; I promise I didn’t leave to run home and use the bathroom again… I’m very scared right now, and fragile. I feel like I can’t stop shaking and all I want is to feel safe again. You help with that. You comfort me and make me feel that everything will be okay.

Unfortunately, my mind got the best of me tonight. I feel like a burden to everyone around me, like everything I do just makes things worse. I started to cry, and I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. I left because I didn’t want to wake you. I left tonight because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to scare you.

I want you to know this now: I care about you in ways that confuse the shit out of me, and I like it. I like how no matter how mad or upset I am, being around you makes me want to try and let the pain subside. You’re probably one of the strangest people I’ve met, and just as strange, if not more so.

It’s been a week since you asked me, and a few months since we met. You have given me the strength and the will to be myself, even if I’m being annoying. I would also like to add a fun fact about myself: I keep track of time and dates because it helps with my memory, not because I’m creepy… okay, I’m creepy but not that creepy.

Thank you for not letting me slip through the cracks. Thank you for continuing to stand by me and all my insanity. Thank you for being as fucked up as you are.

Thank you

A Lesson

The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.

I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.

There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.

I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.

Take the Good with the Bad

Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that  in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.

Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.

I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day.

The Talk

Yesterday into last night, I had the talk… not the sex talk (I’m a bit too old for that). This talk was about feelings. Before I get into the bulk of it, I will tell you a story about the last time I was really confronted with my feelings and it was a bit of a horror story.

I was 12, and I was good at it. I was awkward and bitchy and just started to really hate my body. The joys of puberty! Now, I had a crush on this boy in my class for a while, and being the shy girl that I was, there was no way in hell that I was going to say anything. Eventually, it ended up coming out on the playground and my secret spread like wildfire. I was so mortified and upset that I didn’t go back to school for a few days. In my absence, things only got worse, as they do in middle school.

Fast forward to last night… I have since gotten over that day in 7th grade, but I’m still awkward and uncomfortable with talking about my feelings and will shy away. My heart was pounding and I’m pretty sure every butterfly in existence got nice and comfortable in my tummy. Writing about it now, I’m still nervous and freaking out.

Last night, I grew a pair for about 5 seconds, said how I feel the good feelings and then made the whole thing awkward and acted like a freak, as I do. I’m happy, believe me, I am, but I am a wreck because I just am. I can be loud and outgoing about the most ridiculous things, but the minute the question, “Do you like me?” is asked, I lose all sense of how to act like a human being.

Like I said, I’m happy, I just hate that I’m in a constant state of blushing and not making eye contact.

 

Inspired

Last night, I ended up having this really deep conversation with a friend of mine… well, it was more of me crying and him talking. I will not go into detail just yet about what the conversation was about, mostly because I’m too lazy to write all of it out.

I spent the rest of the night staring at a wall going over everything that was said, and I still am. There was one thing that was brought up that I can’t shake, and I don’t know why. So, I’ve decided that I will be writing about it, but not on here. I will be attempting to write a book (again).

I know there’s an endless list of people who write stories and get published, but I finally feel like I have something that I can write about. The most common piece of advice I’ve been given about writing is to write what I know about, but I’m not doing that with this book. I’m going to be writing about one thing in particular that I don’t know, and I think that’s why I’m so driven to write about it.

At some point, if and when I get far enough into the book, I will be drawing up short surveys that I will be posting on here, as well as in local coffee shops, so I can gain perspective from all walks of life.

 

What I Wanted to Say

It’s been a while, and that’s my fault… I pushed those away who were pure and I put up walls that I don’t know will ever be able to be fully destroyed. I weaved such beautiful tapestries to hide behind, as to not hurt anyone else.

I lost my way, and no matter what I say or do, it cannot change my actions, only alter how I move forward. I still follow you guys, watching your happiness and achievements, still wishing the best for all of you. I still hold all of you close to my heart, even if I’m just holding onto an illusion at this point.

I know I’m not well, and I will eventually gain the strength to fix it, but at least I’m aware now. I’m not brave, nor strong, but I have made progress… I am beyond proud of each and every one of you. You’re strong and beautiful and smart, and I’m lucky enough to say that I had you in my life, even if it was for a brief moment.

I hope your lives are full of light, even in the darkest moments. I hope you can see the beauty in yourselves. Finally, I hope that no matter what, you know that even though time has passed, that the part of me that’s still around kept will always be there for you guys.

You guys were my family, and I will always see it that way. I am truly sorry for what I did, and I don’t expect forgiveness or open arms, but I needed to apologize.

Now, go live life to the fullest, and stay as safe as you can in all of your journeys. You guys have done such great things, and I know all of your dreams will come true.

Truth or Dare

The other night started out like any other: people and drinks. A couple of shots in and we started playing truth or dare. I love the game, mostly because I’m good at it and I will take on almost any dare (within reason, of course).

We were a few rounds in and I picked truth. You asked me something very personal… well, not very personal, but it stopped me in my tracks. Anyone that knows me, knows that I’m terrible at conveying how I feel, even more so when I’m put on the spot. I lied. I lied during truth or dare.

So here’s the truth…

I didn’t love you, no, but saying that I could never love someone like you was a terrible thing to say… I never loved you, but I could have. I could have loved you, but that never happened.

I liked you, and cared about you more than I probably should have. I’m now at a point that I’m scared and my trust issues are coming back. I feel like a burden and I never want to bother you.

I’m sorry I broke the rules of truth or dare… I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry that I feel this need to hide how I feel, and I’m sorry that I’m broken.

I’m Lost

More recently, I’ve been questioning every decision that I’ve made over the past couple of months. Due to certain actions and events, and trusting the wrong people, my paranoia and anxiety have shot through the roof, I don’t feel safe anywhere. I have problems sleeping whether I’m home or at someone else’s house, and I’m stuck in my head.

I feel lost, and I don’t know where to begin so I can get back to where I was. I know my depression is creeping back in, and I’m holding it back as much as I can, but I’m becoming weaker.

I have to start over and rebuild myself… again. I have to erase all thoughts and feelings and attempt to rewire my brain. I have nothing left to give with this version.

A Big Decision

Tonight, I decided on something that I didn’t think I would be doing for a while, and it’s definitely not for the reason I thought I would be doing it.

Since early June, I’ve been working in fast food as a shift manager… well, that’s what I was hired as, anyway. I knew it was going to be rough, but I was up for the challenge. After a few weeks, I started to find my way and make a place for myself under the golden arches (if that’s not a big enough hint as to where I worked, I don’t know what else to tell you).

With every work place, there’s drama and secrets. I thought I was stronger, but I’m not. I am, however, driven to move forward, because tonight I decided to quit. I am constantly being told that I can’t do my job, so I’m not going to do it. I’m going to focus on school, get my degree and do what I want to do. It’s going to be hard, but at least I know with this path that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel instead of a brick wall.

As I’ve mentioned before, I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, but I can control it for the most part. I haven’t been able to control it for about a month now and being aware of that destroys me. I am broken and I’m doing my best to fix myself. Life is too short, and I’ve done too much to let this place drag me down.

To all of you from work who read this: I am sorry for not being strong enough to stick around for a bit longer, and I’m sorry for all the days I snapped and broke down on front counter. Thank you for the laughs and the experience.

Here’s to the next chapter…