Second Choice

Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Getting Back on the Horse

As of late, a lot of chapters in my life have come to an end and I am now left with a huge blank space to start writing the next passage. I realize now how much I’ve lost my way, which is why I’m going to make a true effort to get back to where I was.

A couple of years ago, I wanted to get into streaming games. I never got around to it, and as more time passed, I just dropped the idea. I am extremely socially awkward, but I figured this could have been a way to get me out of my shell. I’ve decided once I get my desk cleared off and get some of my work done, that I’m going to dive in and try it. Why not? I have nothing to lose and it could be really fun!

Then I started to think about all the other projects I let slip through my fingers. I need to start doing everything I want to do, even if nothing comes of it. I am tired of having regrets and what ifs. I am too young not to do all these things.

Starting Anew

Today is the day I start over. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing an hoping that everything will be okay, because that’s not how it works. I need to tear down and rebuild… I need to move forward.

I have gone through so much in my short time, and I need to try to get rid of my pain and sorrow. My past is starting to consume me, and I need to get out of my pattern of waking up and hoping that things will change. I will now wake up and make everything around me change. Waiting patiently is getting me nowhere fast.

I am working and going to school, yes, but outside of that I really don’t have much going on outside of my boyfriend and my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and my family, I just need something and I don’t know what it is.

I’m hoping once I get my life reorganized, I will figure out what I need to do. I have such a wonderful support team, but I need to give myself a bit of support, too.

Reality

This weekend, as well as today, gave me a dose of reality. In two months and a handful of days, I will be 23. Before I go any further, I will say right now that getting older isn’t what’s really bothering me, I actually don’t really mind growing up.

Back to the point, I’m turning 23 soon and I am realizing that I’m not taking advantage of being young. I am constantly stressed, to the point that my hair is turning grey and is starting to fall out. Many people have told me that my 20s won’t be all fun and games, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m going to take a couple of days to get myself organized… again. I will be getting all my bills in order, and restarting my rewards chart now that my mind is a bit more clear. I’m also going to do fun things, like making videos and planning trips. I know I will struggle, that’s just life, but I want to enjoy some parts of it before I get too old to enjoy anything.

I need change, and I’m the only one that can do it.

My Trip

This weekend was very much-needed. I got to spend it with not only my mom, but my family, and I finally feel like I belong. Though the trip was initially sad, it came with a lot of good memories.

We arrived at the hotel on Friday night, and we were completely exhausted. We checked in and got settled into the room. This room was truly amazing; we had a full kitchen and a mini living room, as well as a bedroom and bathroom. I’ve spent a lot of my life in hotels because of moving, and this one had to be one of my favorites. After we got some amazing Mexican food, we stayed in for the rest of the night.

Saturday was a rough one. We tried to keep our spirits up, but it was hard. Saturday, we finally buried my grandmother. Along with me and my mother, our family joined us as we said goodbye. It meant a lot to have everyone together. We ended up heading back to my great-uncle’s house and popped open a bottle of champagne. We decided to celebrate life then to mourn. I drank a bit too much, but I remember feeling happy to have family around. We ended up going out to dinner and spending the night talking.

Sunday was a bit easier. In the morning, I gave my mother a necklace and we headed over to my grandfather’s house (dad’s side) and had breakfast and hung out for a few hours. When we left, we had the greatest Mother’s Day lunch/dinner ever. We got 30 burgers and a large fries from white castle! We can’t get white castle where we are, so jumped at the opportunity.

Monday we hit the road and headed back. I hate that we had to leave, but knowing that we will go back makes it easier.

Just Got Back

Here marks the end of another adventure. This weekend, my mother and I packed the car and made our way to New Jersey. It wasn’t as long as I would have liked it to be, but knowing that it won’t be the last time makes saying “see you later” a bit easier.

I am too tired to go into detail about the trip right now. We spent the entire day driving back and getting settled in. I am so happy we took this trip together, and made even more memories that I will hold onto forever.

I promise I will have a more exciting post tomorrow, but I will be heading to bed now. I hope everyone sleeps well!

Getting Back on the Road

Our weekend is finally coming to an end and we will be heading back “home” as soon as the car is packed. I hate leaving, especially considering where I’m going back to, but I don’t have another choice at this point.

This weekend was rough, but being with family made it easier. I never really had a chance to know my family (due to certain circumstances) and I’m very happy I have the chance to know them now. I’ve always put a lot of importance on spending time with family, and I finally got to do just that.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and a beautiful Mother’s Day!

Gotta Get Moving

In a few hours, my mother and I will be heading to New Jersey, so I need to finish packing. We pretty much have everything we need in the dining room, we just need to get it packed and in the car.

It’s about a 6 hour drive, which isn’t too bad considering we moved across country twice. I think it’ll be good for us to get out of the house for a few days. This trip isn’t going to be the happiest one, but we always find a way to smile through the pain.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a great weekend!

Almost Done

We are so close to being done, there is still so much that needs to get done. I am extremely tired and stressed right now and I just want to get the rest of this done so I can sleep.

Everything will get done, but until it’s done, I won’t be able to calm down. I know the minute I finish, I will be wide awake, but hopefully I will get some sleep between now and when we leave tomorrow.

I’m sorry for the short post, I will write everything down tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great night!

Second Strike

This will be the second time I will be writing a post late, but at least this time it’s understandable. I have been extremely sad and stressed, which means I’m sleeping more. I have had so much on my mind and I can barely function.

Today will be spent on getting everything together for tomorrow and trying not to stress about every little thing. There is still so much that needs to be done, but I know everything will be sorted by tomorrow morning.