Bottled Up

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

An Open Letter

Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

 

Giving Up

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

The Next Chapter

I was struggling today, and have been for a while, but something happened that actually gave me the push I needed and now I have my drive back.

I received an email from someone who read my blog, and they told me that I inspired them to start a blog of their own. I started shaking and almost cried. That made me so happy to read. I am over the moon and I hope this beautiful person has a wonderful journey with their blog.

I am no longer doing this for just myself, but for everyone that comes across this place, whether they just stop by or take off their jacket and stay for a while. I’m going to start streaming and making videos, as well as just putting myself out there and having fun.

Life can be really rough sometimes, but the small things make it worth it. I never thought I would get any of the comments I’ve gotten, or that email; I just broke 60 followers and I couldn’t even imagine the day that I would have 10 followers. I want to thank you guys for inspiring me to keep going. I am so grateful for each and every single one of you. I truly feel like I have a voice and I’m heard.

Growing Up

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.

A Long Weekend

Now that I am about halfway sober from my Easter festivities, I can sit down and write about my weekend. Just like everything else, it had its ups and downs but it was mostly nice.

I went to the craft store to help on my journey of making presents and small surprises for a certain someone. I can’t actually write what’s being made because they might read this, but it’s going to be awesome. As a note to this guy, I will win this game of gifts no matter how much glue I need to use or how many hours I need to spend on Amazon and Pinterest! You’re worth every minute of it.

Sunday was filled with food and, of course, alcohol — wine, almond liquor and coffee. My mom and I ordered everything. We had shrimp, stuffed mushroom caps, lobster, steak, rice… there was a lot of food on the table. I’m surprised that I’m still able to eat with everything we had!

It was probably the best weekend I had (that involved leaving the house) in a while. Now to settle back into my daily routine of sitting at my computer in my pajamas working away and daydreaming.

Too Sick

I don’t know what kind of bug I have, but I need it to go away. Being sick is no longer fun now that I’ not in school. I’m lying in bed, fevers coming and going, slowly eating crackers. I’ve gone through my playlist twice now, and I’m too dizzy to play games. I’ll be going to the doctor tomorrow, and possibly the chiropractor if I feel up to it.

There is something good, though. I can still hang out with people. Yes, I am sick as a dog, but there’s no way that I can infect them with whatever I have. All of my friends live in different places, whether it’s another state or another country, so all I have to do is call them up.

Hopefully I will be better in a couple of days, just need to rest and drink plenty of water… and maybe something to eat.

Opinions

Opinions are great things. They have the power to bring like-minded people together, but it can also push people apart. I have many opinions that I tend not to share as to avoid causing any problems or confrontation. Unfortunately, some people feel that they not only need to share their opinions, but push their thoughts as if they were facts.

I have no problem with people speaking their minds, everyone does it. What I don’t appreciate is when people either tell me that my opinions are wrong, or when they try to force their thoughts on me. I’m all for freedom of speech, and I will defend everyone’s right to speaking freely, even if I don’t agree with them. It’s not a matter of taking away that right or freedom, rather the lack of respect when doing so that I would like to eliminate.

This weekend, the subject of political views came into the spotlight. Not mine, but someone who I’m very close to. They basically said that they hoped he wasn’t a Conservative. Now, for the record, he is not, but what if he was? He has the right to be one. People shouldn’t be judged on whether or they’re a good or bad person based on being either a Conservative or a Liberal.

A good person is good, and a bad person is bad. With that being said, “good” and “bad” are subjective; I know that I like to think of myself as a good person, and I am also aware of the fact that there are plenty of people out there that think I’m a complete asshole.

We sit here and preach acceptance and equality, until someone with a different opinion comes along. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I am 100% guilty to telling someone with a different opinion to mine that they’re wrong. We, as people, are flawed.

I think once everyone truly accepts the fact that everyone thinks differently, it will solve a lot of problems… but that’s just my opinion.

Them

Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.

There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.

They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.

They are my home.