Trusting

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I don’t know who to trust, but this time I’m handling it differently. I’m hurt, yes, and I do feel abandoned but I’m not stopping myself from saying what I need to say. In fact, it’s making me talk more.

I’ve learned that everyone talks, no matter how good of a person they might be. The thing is, I don’t want anyone else telling my story until I’ve had a change to tell it myself, no matter how short the story is. I am trying to be as transparent about who I am and what I go through, even if I get judged mercilessly. At least if I’m the one telling my story, I am being judged for what actually happened and not some twisted version of it.

I don’t care if anyone likes me. There’s plenty of people out there that don’t like and many more that hate me. To be honest, I’m not too fond of myself but I’m starting to grow on me. I don’t need people to like me, but I would prefer them to dislike me for the truth than like me for a lie.

Smoke and Mirrors

The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..

I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.

Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.

I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.

I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.

See you later.

Brain Dead

My day went from okay to mind-numbing. I can’t even put into words what I went through today, but I can guarantee you that my brain is scattered and all I can to is babble at this point.

I will write a more exciting post in the morning, but right now I need to lie down and zone out for a bit before I pass out. Overall, it was a good day, but it had some seriously messed up moments.

I hope everyone had a great day, or at least a tolerable one! Sleep well!

Feeling Good

The past few days have been a bit stressful, but I realized that since I started this job I haven’t been holding onto as much anger. I deal with tough people everyday now, but once I’m done bitching about it, I’m able to move on from the situation a bit easier than before. I still bitch and hold onto things, I’m not completely better, but it’s a step in the right direction.

I have a 1 PM start tomorrow, but I’m going to try to work a double and take off Wednesday so I have 2 days off back-to-back. I don’t know why I want to have the days off, because all I want to do in my free time is work now. I am exhausted and drained, but I still have tons of energy.

I hope everyone sleeps well tonight and wakes up refreshed in the morning!

Tough People

In life, we won’t always encounter people who are the nicest. Sometimes, we will encounter people who are assholes that have nothing better to do than be mean. My life is a 60/40 split (60% assholes, 40% non-assholes). The 40% in my life make it so I can deal with the 60%.

Sometimes, difficult people are just people who we don’t mesh with for one reason or another; it’s not a bad thing, it just is. There are those, however, who are knowingly targeting ones around them merely for the fact that they don’t like them. This is a problem.

One thing I’ve always struggled with is when I’m in a position where I have to deal with these people. I always had the option to walk away from those I didn’t get along with, but when I can’t do that, I feel defeated. I have learned to cope with the fact that not everyone will like me, but I don’t understand why some people feel the need to constantly poke me.

I deal with it, though. I’ve learned to take what they say and do with a grain of salt, and to space out when I can. I start thinking about the people who help me and appreciate me for who I am. I think about how amazing I am and that I should be proud of myself.

 

Finding My Way

I’m starting to settle into my new, insane schedule and it’s nice. I have something to do with myself 8 hours a day and it forces me to deal with difficult situations. I was extremely proud of myself today. I messed up a few times, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try.

I have met a lot of interesting people, both on staff and that come in for coffee, and that never would have happened if I didn’t come to this job. Even the not-so-pleasant ones entertain me. At the end of the day, I am exhausted to the point that I don’t even want to eat and I’m in autopilot, but I don’t dread getting up everyday nearly as much as I thought I would.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day and sleeps well! I know as soon as I’m done writing this, I am going to sleep.

A Long Day

Today marked the first of many, as I encountered someone who was a bit unpleasant… At the time, I actually got really upset to the point that I was fighting back tears, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t matter and I can’t keep wasting tears on people who aren’t worth it.

Over the past few days, I have dealt with such nice people, whether it’s customers or coworkers, and that’s what I need to focus on. I am very lucky to be working with people who are so understanding, and they make it worthwhile.

All I have to do and keep doing is focus on the good people and it will make working, and living, a lot easier. I know I can do it.

Second Choice

Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Deep Breaths

Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

 

Back and Forth

Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.

I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.

I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.