Brain Dead

My day went from okay to mind-numbing. I can’t even put into words what I went through today, but I can guarantee you that my brain is scattered and all I can to is babble at this point.

I will write a more exciting post in the morning, but right now I need to lie down and zone out for a bit before I pass out. Overall, it was a good day, but it had some seriously messed up moments.

I hope everyone had a great day, or at least a tolerable one! Sleep well!

Feeling Good

The past few days have been a bit stressful, but I realized that since I started this job I haven’t been holding onto as much anger. I deal with tough people everyday now, but once I’m done bitching about it, I’m able to move on from the situation a bit easier than before. I still bitch and hold onto things, I’m not completely better, but it’s a step in the right direction.

I have a 1 PM start tomorrow, but I’m going to try to work a double and take off Wednesday so I have 2 days off back-to-back. I don’t know why I want to have the days off, because all I want to do in my free time is work now. I am exhausted and drained, but I still have tons of energy.

I hope everyone sleeps well tonight and wakes up refreshed in the morning!

Tough People

In life, we won’t always encounter people who are the nicest. Sometimes, we will encounter people who are assholes that have nothing better to do than be mean. My life is a 60/40 split (60% assholes, 40% non-assholes). The 40% in my life make it so I can deal with the 60%.

Sometimes, difficult people are just people who we don’t mesh with for one reason or another; it’s not a bad thing, it just is. There are those, however, who are knowingly targeting ones around them merely for the fact that they don’t like them. This is a problem.

One thing I’ve always struggled with is when I’m in a position where I have to deal with these people. I always had the option to walk away from those I didn’t get along with, but when I can’t do that, I feel defeated. I have learned to cope with the fact that not everyone will like me, but I don’t understand why some people feel the need to constantly poke me.

I deal with it, though. I’ve learned to take what they say and do with a grain of salt, and to space out when I can. I start thinking about the people who help me and appreciate me for who I am. I think about how amazing I am and that I should be proud of myself.

 

Finding My Way

I’m starting to settle into my new, insane schedule and it’s nice. I have something to do with myself 8 hours a day and it forces me to deal with difficult situations. I was extremely proud of myself today. I messed up a few times, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try.

I have met a lot of interesting people, both on staff and that come in for coffee, and that never would have happened if I didn’t come to this job. Even the not-so-pleasant ones entertain me. At the end of the day, I am exhausted to the point that I don’t even want to eat and I’m in autopilot, but I don’t dread getting up everyday nearly as much as I thought I would.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day and sleeps well! I know as soon as I’m done writing this, I am going to sleep.

A Long Day

Today marked the first of many, as I encountered someone who was a bit unpleasant… At the time, I actually got really upset to the point that I was fighting back tears, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t matter and I can’t keep wasting tears on people who aren’t worth it.

Over the past few days, I have dealt with such nice people, whether it’s customers or coworkers, and that’s what I need to focus on. I am very lucky to be working with people who are so understanding, and they make it worthwhile.

All I have to do and keep doing is focus on the good people and it will make working, and living, a lot easier. I know I can do it.

Second Choice

Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Deep Breaths

Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

 

Back and Forth

Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.

I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.

I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.

Balance

One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

Bottled Up

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.