The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..
I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.
Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.
I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.
I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.
See you later.
Last night, I did something out of the ordinary for myself… I went out drinking with some friends from work. I had just finished up the day from hell and I was told to meet them at the bar, and I almost said no but I decided to actually do something fun for once.
The night was filled with drinks and laughs, and too much food! I’m pretty sure I’m still a bit drunk, but it was worth it. I had so much fun and I’m really happy that I went out.
In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.
This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.
I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.
I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.
I have waited so long to be able to say and hear these three words for a very long time now. These three words represent something so pure and genuine, and it makes my heart flutter and my mind race every time I hear it.
I have had these words said to me by family and friends. Having it said to me warms my soul, but getting to say it is the greatest thing I get to do during the day. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, and these words make it disappear for a moment.
The only thing better than speaking these words, is to show it. Acting on these words and opening yourself up to the ones around you is a feeling that I can’t begin to describe. To be vulnerable around someone and know that your safe is one of the most wonderful things that can happen.
I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to show, and I will spend the rest of my days making you feel loved. I trust you with my heart, and no matter what happens, you will always have it.
Thank you for letting me love you. More importantly, thank you for loving me.
One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.
I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.
Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.
It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.
I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.
As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.
I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?
I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.
I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.
I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.
It’s probably pretty apparent by now that I spend a majority of my time online, but how do I spend that time? Well, I’m glad I asked! Thanks me! It’s actually quite a journey each day.
When I wake up, I open up my laptop and get down to… reconnecting it to the internet. Once that’s said and done, I jump into a Skype call with my favorite person and get my day started on a happy note. I absolutely love the calls I have in the early morning into the afternoon.
After he goes to bed, I get down to work, whether it be school or my job. If I’m doing schoolwork, I pull out my binder and start taking way too many notes and screaming at broken lines of code. If I’m doing my job, I get my stack of work orders and start entering them into the system. It’s not the most exciting job, but I’m happy to have it!
I finish off my day by watching hours of YouTube and passing out with my headset on.
My computer is my escape, and has become a huge part of my life. I don’t know where I would be without my laptop.
I don’t know what kind of bug I have, but I need it to go away. Being sick is no longer fun now that I’ not in school. I’m lying in bed, fevers coming and going, slowly eating crackers. I’ve gone through my playlist twice now, and I’m too dizzy to play games. I’ll be going to the doctor tomorrow, and possibly the chiropractor if I feel up to it.
There is something good, though. I can still hang out with people. Yes, I am sick as a dog, but there’s no way that I can infect them with whatever I have. All of my friends live in different places, whether it’s another state or another country, so all I have to do is call them up.
Hopefully I will be better in a couple of days, just need to rest and drink plenty of water… and maybe something to eat.
Today was a very nice day. I got to have a sleepover with my best friend. I haven’t had a sleepover in so long, and it was just nice to have someone there with me as I fell asleep.
After I woke up (they are still sleeping as I write this), my mom and I went to the store and got stuff to make sandwiches! Normally, sandwich night is on Monday, but I think sandwiches is a good way to end the week!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Friday and has a great weekend!
Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.
There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.
They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.
They are my home.