The Past Year or So…

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about two of my best friends. On October 25 of this year, I was lucky enough to meet one of them. He stayed here for two weeks, and it was truly amazing. We explored the city and finally got to hang out without having to worry about the internet going down.

But let’s go back to that post and work forward…

After I made that post, a lot changed in my life. The end of one relationship and the beginning of a new one, a new job, a better outlook on life, and then I got bad news. As every woman my age, we go to Gyno Land. At this appointment, I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children. I was absolutely devastated. I ended up falling into a deep depression and ending my wonderful relationship.

While dealing with depression and anxiety and pushing everyone I truly loved and care for away, I started drinking more and I made a huge mistake. I ended up getting in a relationship with someone who was terrible and before I knew it, he had cheated on me. I was alone again for a few months and then I saw the boy who I was head over heels for in a new relationship, so I decided to get back with the one who hurt me because I didn’t want to be alone.

It was okay for a while, but things got really bad. I found out that he got the other girl pregnant, but I still decided to stay. He had two kids already, and since I was told I couldn’t have any, that I could make it work. I was wrong.

I spent months with a man who used me as a free babysitter and as someone to vent to. All the while, I still continued to think about the good one and hoped everything was good for him. Instead of coming to my senses, I decided to force myself to love this man who was never good for me.

During the shit storm, I ended up moving and becoming a home owner. I got back into school for a bit and had time to work on my business. I thought maybe the move would make things better for my relationship and my lingering feelings for a past love, but it only made things harder.

Skip ahead to my birthday, and it ended up with me having a busted lip. That was the beginning of the end for me and him. I finally had enough of being treated like shit and hearing about the other girl. I left him and I started to heal on that front.

My depression worsened, though. Work put a huge strain on my mental health and I started to isolate myself again. One of my best friends, though, decided that after three years it was time to finally meet.

The past two weeks saved me because I was heading down a dark path. I was shutting down and he showed me that there are people out there that truly love and care about me. He didn’t make me feel like shit for being depressed, and made me truly feel like I have a place in this world.

It was bitter sweet because when I was told that terrible news, my best friend and love of my life was going to drop everything to come to me, to comfort me, and I pushed him away.

If you read this, and I don’t know if you will… I hope you know I still care about you greatly and I miss you terribly. Pushing you out of my life was the biggest mistake I ever made and I will eventually move on from it, but I will never forgive myself. I still consider you one of my best friends and I will still do anything for you. I will always have your back, and you will always have my support.

I love you all, and I hope more than anything that all of you at least have someone as great as my best friends. I am truly grateful.

Smoke and Mirrors

The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..

I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.

Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.

I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.

I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.

See you later.

A Night Out

Last night, I did something out of the ordinary for myself… I went out drinking with some friends from work. I had just finished up the day from hell and I was told to meet them at the bar, and I almost said no but I decided to actually do something fun for once.

The night was filled with drinks and laughs, and too much food! I’m pretty sure I’m still a bit drunk, but it was worth it. I had so much fun and I’m really happy that I went out.

“Friends”

In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.

This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.

I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.

I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Three Words

I have waited so long to be able to say and hear these three words for a very long time now. These three words represent something so pure and genuine, and it makes my heart flutter and my mind race every time I hear it.

I have had these words said to me by family and friends. Having it said to me warms my soul, but getting to say it is the greatest thing I get to do during the day. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, and these words make it disappear for a moment.

The only thing better than speaking these words, is to show it. Acting on these words and opening yourself up to the ones around you is a feeling that I can’t begin to describe. To be vulnerable around someone and know that your safe is one of the most wonderful things that can happen.

I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to show, and I will spend the rest of my days making you feel loved. I trust you with my heart, and no matter what happens, you will always have it.

Thank you for letting me love you. More importantly, thank you for loving me.

Balance

One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

Growing Up

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.

My Escape

It’s probably pretty apparent by now that I spend a majority of my time online, but how do I spend that time? Well, I’m glad I asked! Thanks me! It’s actually quite a journey each day.

When I wake up, I open up my laptop and get down to… reconnecting it to the internet. Once that’s said and done, I jump into a Skype call with my favorite person and get my day started on a happy note. I absolutely love the calls I have in the early morning into the afternoon.

After he goes to bed, I get down to work, whether it be school or my job. If I’m doing schoolwork, I pull out my binder and start taking way too many notes and screaming at broken lines of code. If I’m doing my job, I get my stack of work orders and start entering them into the system. It’s not the most exciting job, but I’m happy to have it!

I finish off my day by watching hours of YouTube and passing out with my headset on.

My computer is my escape, and has become a huge part of my life. I don’t know where I would be without my laptop.