Growing Up

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.

My Escape

It’s probably pretty apparent by now that I spend a majority of my time online, but how do I spend that time? Well, I’m glad I asked! Thanks me! It’s actually quite a journey each day.

When I wake up, I open up my laptop and get down to… reconnecting it to the internet. Once that’s said and done, I jump into a Skype call with my favorite person and get my day started on a happy note. I absolutely love the calls I have in the early morning into the afternoon.

After he goes to bed, I get down to work, whether it be school or my job. If I’m doing schoolwork, I pull out my binder and start taking way too many notes and screaming at broken lines of code. If I’m doing my job, I get my stack of work orders and start entering them into the system. It’s not the most exciting job, but I’m happy to have it!

I finish off my day by watching hours of YouTube and passing out with my headset on.

My computer is my escape, and has become a huge part of my life. I don’t know where I would be without my laptop.

Too Sick

I don’t know what kind of bug I have, but I need it to go away. Being sick is no longer fun now that I’ not in school. I’m lying in bed, fevers coming and going, slowly eating crackers. I’ve gone through my playlist twice now, and I’m too dizzy to play games. I’ll be going to the doctor tomorrow, and possibly the chiropractor if I feel up to it.

There is something good, though. I can still hang out with people. Yes, I am sick as a dog, but there’s no way that I can infect them with whatever I have. All of my friends live in different places, whether it’s another state or another country, so all I have to do is call them up.

Hopefully I will be better in a couple of days, just need to rest and drink plenty of water… and maybe something to eat.

Sleepovers and Sandwiches

Today was a very nice day. I got to have a sleepover with my best friend. I haven’t had a sleepover in so long, and it was just nice to have someone there with me as I fell asleep.

After I woke up (they are still sleeping as I write this), my mom and I went to the store and got stuff to make sandwiches! Normally, sandwich night is on Monday, but I think sandwiches is a good way to end the week!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Friday and has a great weekend!

Them

Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.

There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.

They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.

They are my home.

A Very Special Weekend

This weekend, something very special happened. I got to celebrate a year of friendship with my two best friends in the world. We knew each other for a bit longer than a year, but we didn’t make it Facebook official until a year ago.

Like any other call, we spent it playing games and telling bad jokes. It was a perfect night with perfect people. I am truly happy I have these two in my life, and I hope that never changes.

Happy Monday everyone!

Reflecting

I have a bad habit of checking my Facebook memories every day, wanting to see what the Paige of the past was up to. Today, I saw a status I was tagged in 7 years ago. At first, I was happy because I remember the day perfectly, but then I started to feel sad.

I moved a lot throughout my life. I went from New York to New Jersey to North Carolina to California to Nevada to Pennsylvania. With all the moving around, I thought I would get used to change and new faces, but it really doesn’t get easier. I’ve been in PA for about 8 years now and, as much as I hated high school and a majority of the people in my school with a passion, I miss the people I was once close with.

There have been days where I wanted to reach out to them and try to reconnect, but my fear of rejection holds me back from doing so. I would rather leave it in the past and have fond memories of the adventures we went on, and the laughs we shared. Each relationship ran its course, and I still have a special place in my heart for almost every single person I’ve encountered.

In life, all we can do is go forward; holding onto the past and trying to recreate it only ends up hurting. If you’re supposed to reconnect with those from another time, it will happen, just don’t force it.

Self-Destructive Personalities

Yesterday, I was hurt. I took some time to think about it, and I tried to push the feelings away, but I can’t. Someone that I thought was a friend, someone who I could trust, turned out to be just another asshole.

Me and my friends are assholes, it’s why we get along so well. We completely tear each other down, but with love. We know when we’ve reached a line and we don’t cross it. This person, however, went pretty far over the line and just thinking about some of the things they said makes me have to force back tears.

I constantly battle between being cold and strong, and being sensitive and crying it out. As I sit here writing this, I feel empty but still want to break down into my pillow with all the lights out. To receive such judgement from someone I thought would understand set me back, and now I have to push forward again.

Their behavior started out as self-destructive, then morphed into being just destructive. There was no way to disarm them, because any attempt would only fuel the fire.

Until I’m stronger and can truly face the situation with very little emotion, I can’t have people like that in my life.

Growing Stronger

Today, I wrote about two people who mean the world to me and how they kept me growing. What I didn’t mention is the strength they gave me and how much they helped me realize how strong I truly am.

I never thought of myself as strong, rather as someone who needed to be tough. What I’ve learned, though, is that being strong doesn’t mean standing alone and taking on the world by yourself. Everyone needs someone, whether it be for a laugh or a hug. We learn how to deal with what’s thrown at us from watching and interacting with others.

These two wonderful people, as well as others in my life, have helped me reach the conclusion that I am strong, I have potential and that I can make it in this world. Best of all, I never have to walk alone.