I hate when I have days off because then I can stay up all night thinking. I can’t stand facing myself, so I try to stay as busy as I can. I go into work on my days off so I don’t sit in my room all day, sleeping for hours on end. I force myself to live on 3 hours of sleep a day so I’m too tired to process everything that’s going on around me. I drink with the goal of maybe catching a glimpse of who I used to be. Unfortunately, I’m alone and I now have to face myself. I have to cry and scream and forget that the pain will stop one day… but only for a while.
I don’t remember how to cope because I’ve been too busy. I barely functioning, and I’m leading a life of lies. I’m not who I was, but I pretend to be. I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I’m broken, heart and all. Every time I have the chance to start over, I either fuck it up or I don’t take the chance at all.
I’ve been desperately trying to push everyone away, because I’ve lost so much in my life that I can’t stand to lose anymore. All I want to do is disappear; to some people, probably most, I already have.
I can’t be distracted anymore, but I can’t stand to face this heartbreak. I’m slowly shutting down and maybe, for now, that’s for the best.
I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and for that I apologize. My depression, as well as, work and school have taken over my life, but I finally had time to sit down and write. This won’t be a happy post, but it’s something…
Tonight, I decided that I am done with pretty much everyone. I am tired of the bullshit and the lying and I honestly don’t care. I can’t continue to care about people who just use me. From this point forward, it’s about what I want and need, and what will make me happy. I will be nice, but don’t think for a second that me being kind means I’m your friend. Don’t think for a second that I’m getting stuck in the webs you spin and don’t even consider asking me if I’m alright, because I know you don’t care.
I am tired, physically and emotionally, and it’s not fair anymore.
I hope everyone has a goodnight.
Hey guys, it’s been a while! I want to start off by apologizing for not writing everyday like I was, and I feel like I let myself down a bit with this project.
Over the past couple of weeks, my depression decided to rear its ugly head once more and I decided to stay away from the computer for a while (with exceptions, of course). I didn’t want to fill my blog with tons of angry and depressing posts, so I decided to take some time and work through it.
I thought a lot about this blog during my time off, and I realized that I trapped myself in a box. I had a set schedule and when it comes to writing, you can’t force creativity like that. I have decided that I will continue to write on a regular basis, but I won’t force it. I will write every day, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, but I won’t pressure myself into writing “perfect” posts. I’m not perfect, and neither is my writing.
I truly hope everyone has been doing well and hanging in there. I love you all!
Ever since I started working, my sleep schedule has become even more messed up than before. I originally told them that I can work any shift on any day, and I can, I just thought I would finally get my sleep back on track.
I like the shifts that I work, especially nights and early mornings. Today I will be working 2 PM – 10 PM with possible overtime because we’ve been short on nights lately. I love how crazy my schedule is because it works with everything I need and want to do.
I hope everyone has a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!
I don’t really feel anything right now. I’m not happy or sad, and nothing is bothering me. I’m just here.
I will be leaving for work in about an hour and a half, so I’m going to relax for a bit before I have to get ready.
I hope everyone has a great day.
In life, we won’t always encounter people who are the nicest. Sometimes, we will encounter people who are assholes that have nothing better to do than be mean. My life is a 60/40 split (60% assholes, 40% non-assholes). The 40% in my life make it so I can deal with the 60%.
Sometimes, difficult people are just people who we don’t mesh with for one reason or another; it’s not a bad thing, it just is. There are those, however, who are knowingly targeting ones around them merely for the fact that they don’t like them. This is a problem.
One thing I’ve always struggled with is when I’m in a position where I have to deal with these people. I always had the option to walk away from those I didn’t get along with, but when I can’t do that, I feel defeated. I have learned to cope with the fact that not everyone will like me, but I don’t understand why some people feel the need to constantly poke me.
I deal with it, though. I’ve learned to take what they say and do with a grain of salt, and to space out when I can. I start thinking about the people who help me and appreciate me for who I am. I think about how amazing I am and that I should be proud of myself.
No matter how early I get up to start getting ready, I’m still running around last minute to get everything together. I got up at 5 AM today, took a nap on the couch until 7 AM, and I need to be at work at 10 AM. I will be leaving at 9:30, so 2.5 hours should be plenty of time to get cleaned up and ready to go to work, right? Nope.
I can guarantee that I will be running around at 9:20 making sure I have everything I need before I dart out of the house to meet my Uber. I even tried putting everything I need in one place the night before, and I still manage to be in a hurry.
I don’t know why I’m like this, nor do I understand how I can use every single minute of 2 hours to get ready, but I’ve come to accept it.
Even though I’ve only been there for 3 days, I’m picking up on a lot of what needs to be done. It’s hectic and stressful but, for the most part, I keep cool and push through it all. I’m proud of myself and self-pride is a rarity for me.
I’m one of the lucky few to say that they somewhat enjoy what they’re doing as far as work is concerned. Yes, it’s hard and I haven’t been there long at all, but I actually feel like I can work there.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and if you’re going to be working like I am, try to make it fun!
I feel weird today. I’m not sad or angry, but I’m also not happy. I don’t want to do anything productive, and I’m tired of laying in bed. I guess I just feel off. I don’t know what to do or how I feel, so I guess I will just deal with it.
I think I will be okay, I should be, I just wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully I will feel better as the day goes on.
With a new job, I realized that I will need to move some things around in my day-to-day life so I don’t fall behind. It shouldn’t be too hard to do, because all I need to move around are school, when I write my posts, and time with loved ones.
I already managed to get my sleep on track, which will definitely help in the long run, and I even downloaded a new app to help me keep track of my new journey! I will be printing out calendars (because I need more) so I will have a hard copy as well as a digital one.
I’m not going to lie, I am a bit nervous, but I’m truly excited to have this opportunity and I have a ton of support from those in my life so I know I won’t go through this alone.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and sleeps well!