So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.
I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.
I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.
I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.
I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.
I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.
There are many things that I’ve learned over the years. From looking both way before crossing the street, to chewing with my mouth closed. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I should have full control of my life and my feelings…
Oh wait, this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a walking, talking mess. I have control over very little, including myself. My feelings run rapid like a dog let off its leash. I have recently broken one of the golden rules when you become a working adult: don’t start liking one of your coworkers.
You can’t help who you fall for, hell knows I’m the poster child for that, but I tried so hard not to like anyone at my job because I was under the assumption that I wasn’t ready and that I could turn my feelings on and off like a light (this is where I went wrong… and I guess right). When you stop trying or looking for something, whatever it is will break down your door and climb right into your lap.
I have been a basket case lately due to work stress, and the added pressure of a middle school crush isn’t helping. I mean, it makes me happy because I am capable of feeling again after a terrible breakup, but it scares.
Do I know if he likes me back, or would even consider me? No, I honestly have no idea. Do I try and crush my feelings every chance that I get? I sure do, but it doesn’t work. All my friends say I should go for it, because life is too short and taking chances are apart of the experience, but I honestly have no idea how to go about it.
As I start my journey into 2019, I finally hit my goal of 100 followers! In the beginning, I didn’t think I would even get 10 followers. To know that I’ve reached so many people in a year truly makes me happy.
2018 had many up and downs, and this blog helped me work through a lot. This blog was about getting my life back on track and utilizing what I had at my disposal, but it’s done so much more than that. I’ve gained confidence and inspiration to do what I want to do. I feel like I can be myself and it’s okay that I have emotions and thoughts.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work, those who reached out when I was sad, and the ones who pushed me to keep going. All of you have shown me love and gave me a reason to pick myself up over and over again.
I love you all. Thank you.
It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.
Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.
I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.
I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.
Now that the holidays are said and done, I’m starting to feel a bit better. I’m not 100%, but I feel slightly lighter. With that being said, I have focused some of my energy on an old project of mine: starting a business.
I know, I know… I start new projects all the time and then forget about them until I rediscover them. I have a good feeling about this though. I won’t go into too much detail about the business just yet, but I will tell the story of it.
Two years ago, I dropped out of college because of my wonderful mental problems and I was trying to find something to do with my time. I starting making things and realized that I could do something with it. I worked out a budget and found everything I would need to start this journey… but then I ran out of money and I gave up on the whole thing.
About a week ago, I found my old notebook that I wrote everything down in and the drive to do it came back. I have the entire product line sorted out, and I even have the business plan underway, all I have to do is pick 1 or 2 products to start with and grow from there. No one built an empire overnight, so I need to stop trying to. If I start small, I will be able to stay on track with everything else.
I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of believing anyone actually cares. I am angry and I have been shaking for fucking days. I keep trying, but I’m starting to think there is no point. I keep getting knocked down and I’m close to just staying down. Every single day, I fight a losing battle and I have nothing left to give.
No matter what’s going on, I need to remember my place: I am meant to be seen, not heard. I have no voice and the more I speak up, the more I get hurt. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, and I’m slowing down.
I’m sorry to everyone who has encountered me, and even more so to those who have to put up with me. I’m sorry to myself that I have thoughts and feelings and dreams, and that I never kept to myself.
I am not beautiful.
I am not strong.
I am not good enough.
This isn’t the end, but I’m done getting up.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned something amazing: I’m meant to be seen, but not heard. I’m meant to sit there and this to the world’s problems, but not have any of my own because they’re not as important. They become important when someone else has the same problem, but then it’s no longer my problem because it’s not as bad for me as it is for them. This isn’t geared at anyone specific, just everyone I encounter.
It’s fucking bullshit, but that’s life. From now on, I will only have a voice on here because it’s my blog. It makes me feel better and no one has to read what I write if they don’t want to.
For the rest of the week, possibly the rest of the year, I will be limiting my interactions with others. I will continue to blog and stream, but I have no reason to continue to put myself in the position I’m in. For the rest of 2018, it’s about me.
Last night into early this morning, I wrote a post about how I’m getting back on my original path, but my depression is tagging along. That post was sugar-coated. I am getting back to who I was and my depression is coming back, but I didn’t share all of it. This post will be about everything that I’m going through.
I am back in school full time, and I’m happy about that. What I’m not happy about is that I have to stay up all fucking night because someone in my house decided to adopt a fucking dog and not train it. So the only times the dog isn’t howling is at night. So now, I have gone back to my original sleep schedule so I can get my work done. But now that I’m staying up all night and sleeping all day, I’m sacrificing my time with people I care about, such as my boyfriend. So let’s move onto that point.
I have a boyfriend and he makes me happy. I love spending time with him and he makes me feel safe. Do I love him? I’m starting to fall for him, yes, but I will never fucking say those three words; every time I fall for someone, I end up falling on my face. I repress my feelings and thoughts so then when I end up alone and forgotten, I don’t hurt as much. It’s no way to live life, but that’s how it is.
Now for the reason I’m writing all of this. I literally have no one that I can truly vent to. Everyone bitches to me about every little thing that happens to them, but I get about 5 minutes until they either say they don’t want to talk about it or I end up saying something that reminds them of something that they want to bitch about. So, here I am, venting to strangers on the internet, because I can’t get an appointment with a psychiatrist and I don’t know what else to do.
I made a promise on this blog long ago to be as transparent as possible, so here’s the truth: I hate what I go through just to live, but what I’m going through isn’t truly living. I know everyone goes through this, and it’s not that big of a deal, but I literally lost my life when I moved here and now I have to fight to get it back.
Things have slowly been getting back to normal for me. I’m back in school full time, and I’m actually getting sleep. My mind isn’t as cluttered and I’m finally getting to my list of to-dos that I’ve been putting off. I completed my first stream; I played Minecraft with a couple of friends and it went really well. I finally feel like I’m getting back to who I am.
Unfortunately, settling back into who I am comes with complications… My depression is coming back at full force. Each day is a battle, so I’ve gotten back into staying up all night, going to sleep at around 8AM and waking up at around 3PM. I’m spacing out more and my chest is constantly tight.
I have people in my life, but I feel completely alone. I am completely alone. I refuse to let anyone in past the surface. I create these illusions for myself and others so I can pretend that everything is wonderful and fine. The truth is that I feel empty and all I’m doing is forcing myself to do what I need to do.
I keep going, though… I keep trying and pushing.