Second Choice

Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Getting Back on the Horse

As of late, a lot of chapters in my life have come to an end and I am now left with a huge blank space to start writing the next passage. I realize now how much I’ve lost my way, which is why I’m going to make a true effort to get back to where I was.

A couple of years ago, I wanted to get into streaming games. I never got around to it, and as more time passed, I just dropped the idea. I am extremely socially awkward, but I figured this could have been a way to get me out of my shell. I’ve decided once I get my desk cleared off and get some of my work done, that I’m going to dive in and try it. Why not? I have nothing to lose and it could be really fun!

Then I started to think about all the other projects I let slip through my fingers. I need to start doing everything I want to do, even if nothing comes of it. I am tired of having regrets and what ifs. I am too young not to do all these things.

Starting Anew

Today is the day I start over. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing an hoping that everything will be okay, because that’s not how it works. I need to tear down and rebuild… I need to move forward.

I have gone through so much in my short time, and I need to try to get rid of my pain and sorrow. My past is starting to consume me, and I need to get out of my pattern of waking up and hoping that things will change. I will now wake up and make everything around me change. Waiting patiently is getting me nowhere fast.

I am working and going to school, yes, but outside of that I really don’t have much going on outside of my boyfriend and my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and my family, I just need something and I don’t know what it is.

I’m hoping once I get my life reorganized, I will figure out what I need to do. I have such a wonderful support team, but I need to give myself a bit of support, too.

Reality

This weekend, as well as today, gave me a dose of reality. In two months and a handful of days, I will be 23. Before I go any further, I will say right now that getting older isn’t what’s really bothering me, I actually don’t really mind growing up.

Back to the point, I’m turning 23 soon and I am realizing that I’m not taking advantage of being young. I am constantly stressed, to the point that my hair is turning grey and is starting to fall out. Many people have told me that my 20s won’t be all fun and games, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m going to take a couple of days to get myself organized… again. I will be getting all my bills in order, and restarting my rewards chart now that my mind is a bit more clear. I’m also going to do fun things, like making videos and planning trips. I know I will struggle, that’s just life, but I want to enjoy some parts of it before I get too old to enjoy anything.

I need change, and I’m the only one that can do it.

My Trip

This weekend was very much-needed. I got to spend it with not only my mom, but my family, and I finally feel like I belong. Though the trip was initially sad, it came with a lot of good memories.

We arrived at the hotel on Friday night, and we were completely exhausted. We checked in and got settled into the room. This room was truly amazing; we had a full kitchen and a mini living room, as well as a bedroom and bathroom. I’ve spent a lot of my life in hotels because of moving, and this one had to be one of my favorites. After we got some amazing Mexican food, we stayed in for the rest of the night.

Saturday was a rough one. We tried to keep our spirits up, but it was hard. Saturday, we finally buried my grandmother. Along with me and my mother, our family joined us as we said goodbye. It meant a lot to have everyone together. We ended up heading back to my great-uncle’s house and popped open a bottle of champagne. We decided to celebrate life then to mourn. I drank a bit too much, but I remember feeling happy to have family around. We ended up going out to dinner and spending the night talking.

Sunday was a bit easier. In the morning, I gave my mother a necklace and we headed over to my grandfather’s house (dad’s side) and had breakfast and hung out for a few hours. When we left, we had the greatest Mother’s Day lunch/dinner ever. We got 30 burgers and a large fries from white castle! We can’t get white castle where we are, so jumped at the opportunity.

Monday we hit the road and headed back. I hate that we had to leave, but knowing that we will go back makes it easier.

Making Lists

Every time I go somewhere, I forget something. I could be going to the store, or spending the night somewhere and I will never have everything I need. What’s worse than that is when I actually remember everything and, because I’m so used to forgetting something, I spend my time trying to figure out what I left behind.

I’ve been told that making a list is helpful, but I even question the list itself. If I can’t remember to bring everything, then I’m definitely not going to be able to write everything down that I need. Making lists does help, but I kind of do it backwards.

When I plan on going anywhere, I start to keep everything that I will need in the same area about a week in advance and then I take inventory of everything I have in my travel pile. I’m not the most organized person, but this system seems to work for me.

 

A Little Brighter

I honestly don’t know where I would be without him. I am dreading this week, but he has taken a lot of my pain away. I have had so many people fuck me over and hurt me, and so much has happened that is out of my control, and he still manages to make me smile.

I am having such a hard time dealing with everything in my life right now, and I know I’m slipping deeper with each blow I’m dealt. I’m not going to be working much this week, but will be going full force come Monday.

I hope everyone keeps pushing forward and doesn’t stop.

A Tough One

Today was extremely draining for me, and the rest of the week will be just as tough. I am so stressed and tired, and I feel like almost everyone has dropped me. I hate that I am the way I am, but I’m trying to see the good in myself in an attempt to feel better.

I don’t know what I can do anymore except to keep moving forward. I struggle to let go and move on from things that have happened to me, but I’m doing my best, just like everyone else. I’ve gotten to the point that I can block out a lot through temporarily shutting down or spacing out.

I struggle every day of my life, but it all boils down to me and how I’m going to handle it. All I can do for now is to keep pushing through all the shit until the day I am out. I am stronger than my situation, and I need to get through it.

“Friends”

In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.

This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.

I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.

I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Deep Breaths

Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.