Too Distracted

I hate when I have days off because then I can stay up all night thinking. I can’t stand facing myself, so I try to stay as busy as I can. I go into work on my days off so I don’t sit in my room all day, sleeping for hours on end. I force myself to live on 3 hours of sleep a day so I’m too tired to process everything that’s going on around me. I drink with the goal of maybe catching a glimpse of who I used to be. Unfortunately, I’m alone and I now have to face myself. I have to cry and scream and forget that the pain will stop one day… but only for a while.

I don’t remember how to cope because I’ve been too busy. I barely functioning, and I’m leading a life of lies. I’m not who I was, but I pretend to be. I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I’m broken, heart and all. Every time I have the chance to start over, I either fuck it up or I don’t take the chance at all.

I’ve been desperately trying to push everyone away, because I’ve lost so much in my life that I can’t stand to lose anymore. All I want to do is disappear; to some people, probably most, I already have.

I can’t be distracted anymore, but I can’t stand to face this heartbreak. I’m slowly shutting down and maybe, for now, that’s for the best.

Goodnight.

A Change of Heart

In my last post (or the one before that) I said that I was going to be dying my hair brown. Well, I went to CVS with the intention of buying the same hair dye I bought before, but another color caught my eye. It’s a soft black, and I haven’t had black hair in about 5 years, and I think it’s about time to try it again. The good thing about black hair dye is that I know it will cover the green, blue and brown in my hair.

Outside of changing my hair, I am getting everything in order for a fun weekend of work and little sleep… and some games! I will also be tackling my new laundry mountain, which I’m not too excited about but I’ve run out of clothes to wear and I’m pretty sure I need to wear clothes to leave the house.

I’m happy that I’m keeping myself busy. Keeping busy is the best distraction from my thoughts and I need to keep my mind focused on moving forward.

Back to the Basics

Well, it’s done… sort of. I dyed my hair brown. The color didn’t take fully, though, as certain parts are still blue and a majority of my hair now looks teal in certain light. Once it dries, I will take another picture before I start the second round of dyeing.

I haven’t had brown hair in a while. It’s my natural hair color, but I prefer blues, reds and purples. I like this shade, though. I think once it’s not brown with a teal undertone, it’ll look nice. I actually don’t mind the green color, I want to hate it but I don’t.

I have a busy day tomorrow, so I will be trying to get to sleep at a normal hour so I can wake up and get everything done!

Goodnight everyone!

Some Good, Some Bad

I won’t be writing for long because I have a terrible sinus headache and I need to lie down. I hope it’s just allergies and I’m not truly sick, or else this week will be even longer.

I actually got out of the house today and walked to CVS to buy hair dye. It took me about 20 minutes to pick out a color that wasn’t blue. I have to say, I will miss my blue hair, but I need a bit of change. The past few weeks have been full of change, and even though some of it has been tough, it’s been eye-opening and overall good.

My stress levels have been steadily rising, but I’m hoping they’ll lower soon. I have too much to do, so I need my anxiety to back off for a bit. I’m doing well, though. I’m still here and that’s all I can really ask for right now.

I hope everyone had a great day!

Reality

This weekend, as well as today, gave me a dose of reality. In two months and a handful of days, I will be 23. Before I go any further, I will say right now that getting older isn’t what’s really bothering me, I actually don’t really mind growing up.

Back to the point, I’m turning 23 soon and I am realizing that I’m not taking advantage of being young. I am constantly stressed, to the point that my hair is turning grey and is starting to fall out. Many people have told me that my 20s won’t be all fun and games, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m going to take a couple of days to get myself organized… again. I will be getting all my bills in order, and restarting my rewards chart now that my mind is a bit more clear. I’m also going to do fun things, like making videos and planning trips. I know I will struggle, that’s just life, but I want to enjoy some parts of it before I get too old to enjoy anything.

I need change, and I’m the only one that can do it.

Placing Blame

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.

For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.

“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.

I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.

I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.

Beauty is Pain

I know what you’re going to ask…. “Paige, why is the main picture of you lying down with your shirt on backwards?” Well, kind reader, I got another tattoo! I spent my Sunday afternoon face down with a needle in my back. In that picture, I look like I’m in pain, which I was and still am, but the result was worth it!

new tattoo

My tattoo is of forget-me-nots, based off of a painting by Mary Walcott. This is my 6th tattoo, and by far the most painful. I absolutely love forget-me-not flowers. They’re flowers are tiny and sweet, and hold a very special place in my heart as far as flowers are concerned.

Forget-me-nots make me feel not so insignificant. If such a tiny flower can thrive and grow, I can, too. I will not be forgotten, nor disregarded. They remind me that even though I have experienced a lot of loss, that the memories will live on. Outside of the deeper meaning they have for me, they’re blue and I absolutely love blue!

When I got my first tattoo (which I will go into in another post), I swore to myself that I would never get another one. Now that I’m here waiting for my most recent one to heal, I love all of my tattoos. They have given me confidence to love my body.

Did I ever think I would be 22 with blue hair and tattoos? No, not in 3 lifetimes, but I’m finally able to hold my head high and love myself.

Open During Construction

It’s finally happened! After months of looking through the same handful of themes, I picked one. I am extremely happy with the layout, but I still have a lot of work to do on it! There are so many new features with this theme, so I will be playing around with it for the next few days.

On top of a new look, I am starting to get back into taking pictures, and playing around with my setup so I can create even more content for Rooplixoo. I am so excited that I’m finally getting around to doing all of these side projects, I finally feel confident in the direction I’m moving in. Who knew a new theme would reboot my creativity?

I didn’t sleep last night, so I’m a tad punchy right now. I’m going to try to get a few more hours of work in today before I crash.

Happy Monday everyone!

Different Pieces, Same Puzzle

There are many pieces to a puzzle that make up a beautiful picture. There are two main pieces to puzzles: the edges, which frame the bigger picture, and the inner pieces that are a collection of tiny details that eventually all fit together. Without the edges, there would be no structure. Without the inner pieces, there would be no story.

Today, as always, I was talking to that certain someone. We spent a long time talking about what we want in the future. Where I have all these ideas of what I want to do but don’t know where I’ll end up, their end goal is to be happy and will do what it takes to get there.

As we talked about the future, I started to see the edges and the center come together and make a beautiful mess, filled with trips and dreams. A picture is worth a thousand words, and I was left speechless. The details are a bit rough, but I like it that way.

Rebuilding

After a long internal battle of taking a blame for what happened and trying to convince myself that I had no control over the situation, I realized that I needed to just cut my losses and move on because there’s truly nothing I can do.

Right now, I just feel blank. I’m not happy or sad, I’m just here. I’m just hoping that I will be in a better mood come sunrise.