Quiet Room, Loud Thoughts

In about 14 hours, I will be going live with my first 24-hour live stream and, unfortunately, I can’t sleep. Part of it is the excitement, but it’s mostly about my past and what brought me to this point. Everything is going great… my business is doing well, I’m in a loving relationship, my future finally isn’t so dull, but I keep looking back to who I was.

I was always the weird kid – I collected pencil tips, had a strong drive to learn and create, and just wanted to have friends. I used to dream about getting my driver’s license and having a wedding at an ice skating rink so I could skate down the aisle, and living in a mansion that had a zoo in the backyard. All of that died when I turned 11 and entered middle school (grades 6, 7, and 8). I missed the memo that Lisa Frank and playing on the swings wasn’t “cool” anymore. I became a target, and it fucking sucked. I’m not going to say I was innocent. I did my best to fight back and take a stance, but due to not being in the right clique, I stayed at the bottom of the food chain and stayed there until I graduated from high school.

There was a time where my mother had to pull me out of school for a week and teach me from home because the bullying and harassment got so bad. I think what hurt the most is that the kids that pushed me down everyday had the nerve to sit with me and cry when we were moving. I wonder if they remember the things they said, and the scars they left. I still get extremely uncomfortable if my ears show, and I cover my mouth when I laugh because of the gap in my teeth. Kids can be downright awful, and it kills me that it’s just getting worse.

I went to a handful of dances, but was never asked to one. I never slow danced with a guy until this year, and it only lasted for a moment. I wanted to dance to 16 Candles on my 16th birthday, but my boyfriend at the time refused. I stopped trying to make my childhood dreams come true after that, because I gave up on them and myself. I felt completely alone and looking back, outside of my family, I was.

Fast forward to now. It’s 2am, I’m 26 and I’m blasting Journey while I get ready for an event that I planned, with my boyfriend sleeping in a call with me. Looking back on everything that has happened, every painful and beautiful milestone, has gotten me to this point and I would do it all again if I had to, but I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would all be okay, and that we made it. It breaks my heart thinking about who I was and what I went through, and not so deep down, I’m still that same, awkward kid who just wants to learn and create, and have fun and do weird dances and to just love myself.

If somehow this blog is magic and can go back to me in 2006, I want me to know that it turns out alright, and to keep dreaming and making art on MS Paint. You’re beautiful and wonderful and a pain in the ass, but the ones you have in your life love you.

For those of you who still look back on your tween and teen years and your heart breaks for your younger self, just know that if you’re reading this, you’ve made it. You beat all odds and you can now stand tall and know that everything is okay. Being an adult sucks, but there’s not enough money in existence to get me to go back to middle/high school.

I love you all. Keep kicking ass. ♥

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