Let’s Ketchup!I

Hey, how have you guys been? It’s been a while! Me? Oh, I’m alright. I recently moved and I got a new job.

I am the new Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, and honestly, I love it so far. I really didn’t want to go back into food, but they’re right up he street and everyone I work with is amazing! Even the customers are great, which is rare in the service industry. Our location is currently undergoing renovations, which is why there’s a picture of me in a hardhat. The flower, however, is a different story.

This woman came through drive-thru while I was in back booth taking orders and money. She gave me the gardenia and we talked about flowers for a few minutes before she moved to the second window to get her food. I was so shocked by this small token of kindness, that I wore that flower in my hair and in my shirt pocket all day, and put it in some water when I got home.

Once I got out of back booth, I showed everyone on the floor my flower, and I was the happiest I’ve been in a while. It was such a simple and small thing, but it made my entire day, and I still smile thinking about this random woman who handed me a flower through a window.

There are a lot of assholes out there, but there’s also a lot of good people. I work with and serve a lot of the good ones. Even a car full of teenagers told me that my attitude made their day.

I hope all of you re doing well, I really do. If you go out today, maybe pick a few flowers to hand out. I know it made my day.

Word Problems

Growing up, spelling and grammar were two of the many things that my mother made sure to constantly go over with me. I am a firm believer in knowledge being power, but what I’m starting to see is knowledge is being based off of loosely-based truths and it’s spreading.

I don’t remember how the subject came up, but we were talking about there, their, and they’re. More specifically, how you could use any of the spellings in a sentence, but with context clues, can figure out what the person is trying to say. Now, I do agree with that notion, but it doesn’t make it correct or acceptable. If I were to type, “I’m going over their“, you would know I meant “there”.

Even though the words sound the same, the meanings are different. Their is the possessive case of the pronoun they. There can be used as an adverb to mean a place or location (e.g. “I’m there now.” or “It’s over there.“), or as a pronoun at the beginning of a sentence (e.g. “There is hope.”). They’re is a contraction of they and are (e.g. “They’re going to the park today.).

Like to, too, and two, they all sound the same but mean different things, and just because you understand what is being said, doesn’t mean that you should get into the habit of using the wrong spelling. My grammar and spelling aren’t perfect, and when I catch my errors, I make sure to correct them. I’m not a “Grammar Nazi”, and I don’t go around with a red pen correcting people, but it’s getting to a point where the younger generations are picking up on these habits and soon, we will be throwing out many of the basic rules of English because “it’ll be easier”.

English has many rules, and is very difficult to master, but using words in the wrong context just makes it that much harder.

That’s the end of my rant. I’m sorry if this pissed anyone off. Like I said, my spelling and grammar aren’t perfect, so if there are any errors in this post, or any of my other ones, please leave a comment and let me know.

It’s Something

Well, I was up all night watching video tutorials and going over my notes, and I finally figured out what I want to do and how I’m going to do it (sort of)….

In the picture, I have the main screen and two levels that follow. The main screen will display Pre-Hot 100 Singles and Hot 100 Singles, which the user will choose from. The second level will have a list of years, either 1940-1958 or 1958-2018, and they will enter the year they would like to see. On the third level, it will display the number one singles for that year.

This is where the tricky part comes in… I would like to have it so if the user wants to listen to one of the songs, they enter the number of the song and their browser will open up and play the corresponding video, but I think I will have to just have a link show up for them to copy and paste into the browser because I can’t seem to figure out how to get that to work.

I am really excited about this, and I feel really confident with my project. No, it’s nothing original, but it’s mine and that’s good enough for me!

It’s Starting!

Today marks the day that I start my CLI project for school. I never thought I would get to this point, but I am very excited to finally be here. I created a page, which will act like a diary of how I’m doing on the project, as well as my thoughts throughout the process.

I have finally gained enough control over my emotions that I’m using them to work for me instead of against me, and doing that was a major feat in itself and I’m beyond proud of it!

On top of this project, I will be getting back into blogging more regularly and I will be starting up my game streams again, so I will be extremely busy and productive!

A bit more of good news… I got a job! I will be starting on the 30th as a barista at the local coffee shop.

I am very happy with how my life is going right now, and I’m happy for staying put and getting to this point in my life. No, this isn’t where I imagined I would be when I was daydreaming about my life when I was in middle school, but I’m proud of the person I’ve become. I’m driven and smart, and I have so much that I want to do.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day/night, and I will see you all tomorrow!

Unsteady

Everyone gets to vent and rant and say irrational things when they’re upset. But me? No, I’m not allowed to be in my own head, or say stupid things when I’m upset. I’m never allowed to just get something off my chest without anyone putting their two cents in and I’m so fucking sick of it. Why am I expected to listen and support those around me when they’re upset, but my feelings aren’t just and I can’t just bitch.

I am so close to snapping and I just keep getting pushed further and further and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be everyone’s fucking rock when I have no steady ground.

I don’t know what to do anymore except cry in my room and sleep. All I have going for me is my education, and I can’t get through it fast enough.

I Have Nothing Left

I have reached my breaking point. The past few weeks have been a nonstop shit show and I am finally shutting down.

I have been repeatedly talked down to, told and treated like I’m not enough, harassed, bullied, targeted… and the worst part is that I have no control over it unless I leave or shutdown, and I have nowhere to go. The expectations that are set for myself by those around me are ridiculous as I’m not psychic nor a brick wall without feelings.

Everyone around has been going through a lot, and has come to me to talk about it and seek help, but I’m also going through shit but no one would know that because I’m not allowed to talk.

I’m not allowed to talk, or relax or do what I need to do to get out of here, so I’m going to sit here and be wrong and just accept that this is where I am right now because I have no other choice.

I have nothing left, and all I can do is go through the motions. I’m done pretending like I’m okay because it’s a waste of time.

For Myself

Yesterday was a rough one, but I did realize a lot (on my own and with the help of others). I can’t say much without breaching my contract at work, but I will say that what transpired was, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. I have calmed down since the incident and here is what I’ve taken away from the whole thing:

  • I am not a bad person.
  • I am a wonderful employee and go above and beyond what is expected of me.
  • “You’re too beautiful to cry, and too good for this place.” — Wonderful Customer.

Most importantly, I’m not putting my future in jeopardy for a temporary job. I love my job and I take pride in everything I do and accomplish, but I have such a bad taste in my mouth now that I need to get back on the track of doing right by me.

Now that my mind is clear and I feel like I can breathe, I have one main goal in mind: finish school by my birthday (July 23). I am currently completing 50 lessons a week. I have 472 lessons left, which is about 10 weeks of work if I keep going at this pace. I know some of the labs I have to complete will take longer than that, but I have a little over 4 months before my deadline and I really think I can do this if I can avoid many issues and distractions.

I am proud of myself. I am smart, funny, and care a lot about those around me, but it’s time for me to put all of that energy towards myself and my goals.

I love you all. Here’s to the dark days ahead, and the many bright ones to come.

Catch Up?

It’s been a while, and I do apologize. The past month has been a bit hectic, so here I am with some time on my hands.

As of right now, I am currently dying of girl disease (AKA wicked period cramps). I slept at boy’s place until 3PM, got up, came home, did school work and went to dinner with said boy and got sick there… went to his, felt sick again… went home… it was a day!

Now for the events of the past months… During the first month of February, I went to an interview and got hired on the spot! I now work at Ulta Beauty as a beauty adviser and I enjoy it a lot. The best part is that I get to do my makeup more often which means I will be blogging about makeup again! I only work 3-4 days a week which gives me plenty of time to do school work.

Valentine’s Day was great. I worked that day (only 5 hours) and I was surprised to see my boyfriend waltz in to come get me from work. We left and headed to Eat n’ Park (my choosing), and spent the night together. It was really nice and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

School is going well, I have finally caught up after all the new curriculum was added and I’m a little over 25% through my course. I’ve completed over 40 lessons in less than a week and I feel like everything is back on track.

For the next few months, I will be getting back into writing (on here and on my books), streaming and making videos, and school. I’m really happy with how I’m doing and where I’m headed.

A Huge Revelation

The past couple weeks have been nothing but stress, and now they’re finally over… except they’re not, not for me anyway, and it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t vent without being told that I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. Whether or not it’s meant to make me feel like I’m wrong, it does. Just to clarify, because unfortunately I have to, this goes for multiple people in my life.

So, here’s my solution. I’m avoiding everyone’s problems and focusing on myself, like everyone else. I’ve realized that a majority of my problems are someone else’s and not my own, and since I’m not allowed to alleviate my pain through venting, I’m just going to step back and be selfish. Yeah, you shouldn’t do what everyone else is doing because it’s easier, but I’m done being a verbal punching bag for whoever needs it and then getting only getting the satisfaction that they feel better, because I don’t. I know you shouldn’t do things merely to reap the rewards of a job well done, but how much more am I supposed to take without getting anything.

I am going on a vacation for the time being. I don’t know if it will be a mental or physical vacation, but it’s going to happen because I think I’ve earned that much.

I’m pissed, and I’m only being pushed further by those around me. I still care about all of you, but I’m putting myself first now and if that’s an issue then that’s on you.

Why?

Yesterday was extremely hard for me, but it allowed me to think about everything I’ve gone through in my short time on this planet. I noticed a pattern.

Why have I always been second best? Why am I never good enough? No matter how hard I try to do right by people, and be the best I can be, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.

Why are my feelings always put down or pushed away? Why is it that no matter who I talk to, I’m treated like I don’t matter, like my problems are nothing compared to what they’re going through? How is it fucking possible?

I am done. I’m done taking care of everyone in my life, because no one takes care of me, including me. I am going to be selfish, and only look out for myself because that’s all anyone does anyway.

I know, just because everyone’s jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean I should, too, but I am tired of being used and stepped on and thrown aside. I am done being picked last. I’m tired of being the one that gets all this shit handed to me and not getting any help, not even a fucking “please” or “thank you”. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter.

I matter. I’m a good person and no one fucking sees that and all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up to face this bullshit existence. It’s not fair anymore. This can’t be all that life has to offer, and I know that I have to make the most of it, but I can’t keep pushing through an endless pile of bullshit just to come out the other end and realize that I didn’t gain anything but aggravation.