Quiet Room, Loud Thoughts

In about 14 hours, I will be going live with my first 24-hour live stream and, unfortunately, I can’t sleep. Part of it is the excitement, but it’s mostly about my past and what brought me to this point. Everything is going great… my business is doing well, I’m in a loving relationship, my future finally isn’t so dull, but I keep looking back to who I was.

I was always the weird kid – I collected pencil tips, had a strong drive to learn and create, and just wanted to have friends. I used to dream about getting my driver’s license and having a wedding at an ice skating rink so I could skate down the aisle, and living in a mansion that had a zoo in the backyard. All of that died when I turned 11 and entered middle school (grades 6, 7, and 8). I missed the memo that Lisa Frank and playing on the swings wasn’t “cool” anymore. I became a target, and it fucking sucked. I’m not going to say I was innocent. I did my best to fight back and take a stance, but due to not being in the right clique, I stayed at the bottom of the food chain and stayed there until I graduated from high school.

There was a time where my mother had to pull me out of school for a week and teach me from home because the bullying and harassment got so bad. I think what hurt the most is that the kids that pushed me down everyday had the nerve to sit with me and cry when we were moving. I wonder if they remember the things they said, and the scars they left. I still get extremely uncomfortable if my ears show, and I cover my mouth when I laugh because of the gap in my teeth. Kids can be downright awful, and it kills me that it’s just getting worse.

I went to a handful of dances, but was never asked to one. I never slow danced with a guy until this year, and it only lasted for a moment. I wanted to dance to 16 Candles on my 16th birthday, but my boyfriend at the time refused. I stopped trying to make my childhood dreams come true after that, because I gave up on them and myself. I felt completely alone and looking back, outside of my family, I was.

Fast forward to now. It’s 2am, I’m 26 and I’m blasting Journey while I get ready for an event that I planned, with my boyfriend sleeping in a call with me. Looking back on everything that has happened, every painful and beautiful milestone, has gotten me to this point and I would do it all again if I had to, but I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would all be okay, and that we made it. It breaks my heart thinking about who I was and what I went through, and not so deep down, I’m still that same, awkward kid who just wants to learn and create, and have fun and do weird dances and to just love myself.

If somehow this blog is magic and can go back to me in 2006, I want me to know that it turns out alright, and to keep dreaming and making art on MS Paint. You’re beautiful and wonderful and a pain in the ass, but the ones you have in your life love you.

For those of you who still look back on your tween and teen years and your heart breaks for your younger self, just know that if you’re reading this, you’ve made it. You beat all odds and you can now stand tall and know that everything is okay. Being an adult sucks, but there’s not enough money in existence to get me to go back to middle/high school.

I love you all. Keep kicking ass. ♥

Spending Time ≠ Spending Money

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to celebrate an anniversary with my best friend. Two years ago, I was in a really rough spot emotionally, and I was losing myself. He dropped everything and flew out here from the other side of the world to make sure I was okay. He was here for 2 weeks, and it was perfect. We were both so excited to finally meet in person after endless skype calls and Minecraft adventures, but we were not ready for what happened – we ended up falling for each other. It was powerful and scary and overwhelming, but so easy and beautiful. At that point, though, we weren’t in positions separately to be together. He went home, and we both went back to our lives. We kept in touch, but it changed. Neither of us knew how the other one felt, and we were too nervous to actually admit our feelings until this year. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

With all of that being said, let’s move our attention to the title of this post. Recently, I’ve seen a handful of people in my life talk about how much money was spent, or lack there of, and it’s been really getting to me. My relationship is in the “unique” position of being long distance, so we celebrated our anniversary over Discord. We watched videos and played games, and spent time together. Yes, we exchanged gifts, but they weren’t the focal point. The day was to celebrate our love for each other, and no amount of money or gifts could come close to how special love and time are. When we talk about our wedding, were going to elope and go to dinner. We dream of the days that we can make the bed together, and have picnics on the living room floor, and catch a glimpse of the ISS.

We went over all of our adventures when he was out here, and one of our favorites was when we went into the city and had to go coffee shop hopping because my phone kept dying. We were hopped up on caffeine and it was freezing out, but we people watched and talked and explored each other’s minds. It was honestly a perfect day, and I can’t wait to do it again. We took so many pictures and shared many more laughs, and that’s how the entire trip was. We laughed and explored and were just with each other – and whether or not we realized then that we were falling for each other, we know now and we look back on October 26, 2019 (26 Oct. 2019 for those who don’t use the mm/dd/yyyy) as the day that our hearts became one.

Our dates now are different due to the distance, but we still make it work. We eat together and watch movies on Netflix, and we play games and fall asleep in calls. Yes, we have bought things for each other because we love to give gifts and see the other one light up, but we never expect to get anything. All we want is each other, and that’s how it should be. I’ve been in so many relationships (romantic and platonic) where the others would expect to get gifts or to be paid for, which I don’t mind doing but it just seemed like the physical was more important than the emotional. I am aware that all of this fits into the different love languages, but the foundation of any relationship shouldn’t be it’s monetary value.

Well, that’s all I needed to say. This thought has been rattling around in my brain for a couple of weeks, but it really hit me yesterday and I needed to get it out and written down before I exploded. I hope you all have a wonderful day and are getting hyped for Halloween! I will see you all soon! Keep kicking ass ♥

Busy, Busy Bee

Hello my lovelies! I hope you’ve all been kicking ass! The past few weeks have been hectic but I’m finally finding time to sit down and write (a day late, but what can we do?). Before we get started, I want to thank you all for the continued love, and I hope you all know that I love all of you back! With that being said, let’s dive in!

I feel like I’ve been going non-stop between writing, networking, and creating, that exhaustion has caught up to me and I’ve been going into deep sleep every night, which is honestly great for me. I have everything in place for next month and I am super excited to post the schedule later today/tomorrow! It’s going to be a busy month filled with games, drinks, costumes and so much fun that nothing will top it!

I don’t have much else to cover, but I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday, and I’ll see you all soon!

Paperclip Test

Stream, Podcast, and Blog Schedule for September 2021

Hello everyone! I hope you’re all doing well! A couple of weeks ago, I decided to dive back into everything, and made a new schedule. All streams are on twitch and the podcast will be uploaded here and on Spotify! I am super excited to get back into this, as I hope all of you are, too! We have a busy month ahead of us, so let’s just jump right in!

As the title says, we’re going to be taking the Paperclip Test. A while ago, I had read an article about this guy who conducted an experiment where he asked a bunch of young children to come up with all the uses for a paperclip. They ended up with a ridiculously high number (I believe it was 200 or something), but adults could only come up with 15-20. We lose a lot of our creativity as we grow, due to school and other influences, so today we’re going to see how many uses we can come up with…

  1. Clip papers together
  2. Jewelry (necklaces, bracelets, earrings, pendants, etc.)
  3. To push small reset buttons on toys, remotes, fire alarms, etc.
  4. To clean under your nails
  5. To open sim slot in phones
  6. To make a simple circuit (with some other items)
  7. Hook
  8. Keychain
  9. To tie things together
  10. As a stencil
  11. To help make wing tips
  12. To make sculptures (with or without clay)
  13. Unclog small bottle openings/nozzles
  14. To fling rubber bands
  15. Scrape out tiny spaces
  16. Close bags
  17. Staple remover
  18. To clip zipper-pulls together
  19. Money fold
  20. Hair clip
  21. Clay tools
  22. Roach clip/bowl scraper
  23. Toothpick
  24. Wire organizer (the center of it)
  25. To make dots of glue/paint
  26. Screwdriver
  27. Makeshift button on a shirt
  28. Chains
  29. Hook bra straps together for a razorback
  30. Tiny sundial
  31. Bend it to make a fancy “S”
  32. To pick up beads
  33. A really bad tongue-scraper
  34. To test if a cake is cooked all the way through
  35. Makeshift antenna
  36. Twisty tie
  37. Replacement t-pins
  38. Replacement clothesline clips
  39. Pick a lock
  40. Replacement zipper pull

So I came up with 40 (with some help, of course), which I don’t think is too bad! The whole point of the test is to push yourself to think in a way that you haven’t since you were young, and to push the limits of your imagination! I will continue to try and come up with other uses for not only paperclips but for other objects, as well!

I’m going to wrap it up here, let me know down below if you come up with any other uses for paperclips, or different and creative uses for other items! I love you all so much, and I hope you have a great week! Keep kicking ass and I’ll see you soon!

The Official Return

The Official Return

Get ready everyone! Roo is back and ready to go! It’s been a while… a very long while… but we’re back and better than ever! On June 12 at 12PM EST, I will be going live on twitch (link goes to my channel)! I have a lot I want to do, but I mostly just want to hang out and have a good time with everyone!

I am honestly so excited to get back to my creative side and be able to enjoy life once again. So much has happened since the last time we spoke, and I promise we will talk about it!

This is where I’m going to end the post… make sure to stay tuned for updates and posts, and I will see you all very soon!

I love you all and I hope you’re all doing well!

MHM

Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well! I know it’s been a while, but I have about 4 or 5 drafts that will be posted over the next couple of weeks. I was supposed to stream today, but due to not feeling well, I decided to write about what I was going to talk about on stream.

For those of you who don’t know, MHM (Mental Health Monday) is a segment that I do where I talk about mental health. Topic range from how I cope with certain things in my day-to-day life to how I’ve grown from situations in my past and everything in between. Sometimes I bring others on and we talk about how we’ve managed to navigate life and relationships with the mental cocktails we’ve been given. If you are new to the blog, welcome and enjoy your stay! If you are coming here from the stream, pretend you just listened to ~30 minutes of me singing and playing ukulele! Let’s dive in!

Since I haven’t been feeling well, I figured I would talk about how I deal with being sick while battling my mind. It might not seem like it’s a battle or anything that big, but it’s something I struggle with every time I’m not feeling well physically. When I get sick, whether it’s just a headache or the flu, I get extremely depressed. The way to feel better is to rest and relax, but slowing down to relax gives me too much time to think which makes my anxiety spike, and resting/sleeping too much makes me extremely depressed. I also get the shakes sometimes, which just makes me self-conscious.

Being sick is never fun for anyone… accept for the kids who get away with it and get to stay home from school. Cartoons and games for hours with not a single teacher in sight! It’s what I attempt to recreate. I spend the day in my pajamas, camp out somewhere that isn’t my bed, binge murder documentaries and play games on my phone. I’m still resting, but I’m distracted enough that I won’t fall down a rabbit hole. There are times that this doesn’t work, though, and that’s kind of what I’m dealing with right now.

This weekend was wonderful. It started with getting Vanish (my dad’s cat) to watch for a week, and then I spent the entire weekend with my absolutely wonderful boyfriend (a post about him will be coming out soon). We went out to dinner with my mother Sunday night and it was great. Unfortunately, I got sick on Thursday (food poisoning) so getting through the weekend was difficult. I still ate well, but I was constantly worried that anything I ate would make me feel worse. Thankfully that didn’t happen, but I still felt lousy. I also slept a lot, which isn’t new to me but because I was sleeping to feel better, I got kind of depressed. I was able to navigate my weekend a bit better because I was surrounded by love and laughter the entire time, but it was still an uphill battle with my mind. Even sitting here writing this… I wanted to stream today but didn’t feel well enough to do so, so I decided to write instead. I wanted to get this post out sooner, but now it’s approaching midnight and I’m still typing. I know I’m doing my best and the people who matter know this, too, but I still feel kind of shitty about it.

The one thing that is helping me through this, though, is the fact that I won’t feel like this forever. Will I feel like this again? Most definitely, but hopefully not for a while after this time. I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and survived, this is just another small bump in the road.

I know this isn’t the typical MHM, but I think it turned out pretty well! My question for all of you is: What makes you feel better when you’re sick? What comfort foods do you eat when you’re under the weather? What movies do you watch when you’re not feeling well?

I hope you all have a wonderful morning/afternoon/night, and I will be back up and running on Thursday (March 18, 2021) at 3PM EST on twitch! If you need a place to hang out, you can find me there or on discord! You are all so wonderful and I love you all!

Stay well, and I’ll see you soon!

Party Time!

Hello my lovelies! I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe! Just wanted to post a quick announcement!

As of yesterday, we passed the 1/4 mark for my 2021 follow goal (1,000 followers) on twitch! I am over the moon about this and I can’t thank all of you enough. I never thought I would be at this point, I always had the lingering thought of, “This is just a pipedream,” and that it wouldn’t last long… but all of you have shown me that this is real and it’s alive and well!

Thank you all so much for keeping my dream alive, and for showing me that I do have something to offer this world. Dealing with depression and anxiety (and all that other good stuff), it makes it hard to see clearly, but all of this makes it so much better. Even if this doesn’t last forever, I can honestly say that this has changed my entire outlook on life.

If you would like to stop by and join the party, head on over to my channel on twitch at 3PM EST on February 3. You are also more than welcome to join my discord and chat with our family!

I love you all so much, and thank you for all of the love and support!

Acceptance

Hello lovelies, I hope everyone is doing well! Since 2021 started, I’ve made it a point to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper because it’s not healthy to keep things bottled up. I know that speaking your mind isn’t the most popular thing, especially when it comes to certain topics, but sometimes it needs to be said. Today, I’m going to be talking about kinks and kink shaming.

Recently, a handful of people that I know decided to take the BDSM Quiz. For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s a series of questions that you answer on a scale from not likely at all to most likely about sexual fantasies/desires, and it gives you percentages for dominants/submissive rolls depending on your answers (dominant: ~%, submissive: ~%, switch: ~%, vanilla: ~%, etc.). After taking the quiz, they all shared their results.

Everything should have been good, right? Nope.

After the results were shared, a few of the people decided to start really ripping into certain kinks to the point of judging and discriminating against those with these desires, when they themselves have fantasies and preferences that can be seen as taboo. This really got under my skin, as well as others in the chat, because we all came together due to being misfits and outcasts. We faced judgement and hate and bullying and just bullshit, and now they’re doing the same thing. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Am I completely innocent in all of this? No, of course not. I stuck my nose up to a few kinks over the years, but I never went out of my way to make the person feel bad about what they liked or shamed them. I will not condone anything illegal or hate-related but outside of that, to each their own, whatever floats your boat!

When reading through all of this, I felt like I was back in high school trying to make a secret playlist of all the music I actually liked because it wasn’t “cool” to listen to the music or enjoy the bands that I did and still do.

I know we’re all humans, and we’re judgmental as fuck, but I just didn’t think they would sink to this level. Due to all of this, I don’t feel comfortable talking in that chat. We all have weird things about us, why not just love each other for who we are instead of hating one another for the smallest of things?

Sorry for another rant, I really am, but this is really getting to me. It’s not right and I couldn’t just sit here and have these thoughts rattle around my brain for much longer.

I love you all! Please stay safe, love yourself, love each other, and just be the most amazing you! ♥

Choose Your Battles Wisely

Hello everyone! As always, I hope you’re doing well! It’s been a minute since the last time I posted, and I’m sorry about that! I’ve been working on new artwork and overlays for my stream, as well as getting some school work done! Before we get started with today’s post, I do want to clear up a few things… Everything that I will be saying is based off of my experience, and is in no way meant to target everyone. This is more of an emotional vent because the things that have transpired have been weighing heavy on my mind and I process my thoughts and feels best through writing. With all of that out of the way, let’s get started…

I have played computer games for a majority life, starting with the Jumpstart series, all the way through the Nancy Drew games, and now I play a bit of everything. About 8 years ago is when I started playing multiplayer games and have met some wonderful people that I am more than happy to have in my life. Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. I encountered rage and kicks and all that good stuff. I didn’t let it stop me, though! I kept going and I will most likely play games for the rest of my life.

I am nowhere near good at games, but I play them to enjoy them and experience new things. Due to me not being the best at games, there are people who seem to take on the roll of carrying me through these games and talk down to me like I don’t know what I’m doing. I have been given the simplest of tasks and then praised or comforted like a child depending on whether or not I succeeded in the assignment at hand. I’ve been told that I’m good at games for a girl, which is utter bullshit. I’ve been belittled and insulted due to how I play and create. I will say this, even though it shouldn’t have to be said, I’ve received this treatment from every walk of life regardless of gender, sexuality, religion, etc..

I’m not here to be the best, I’m not even here to be good. I’m here to have fun and share who I am through creating. For the most part, I absolutely love the twisted family I’ve created and appreciate all of you so much for being in my corner over the years.

I really needed to get that off my chest and I honestly feel a lot better. I’m going to keep fighting and pushing forward because if I let the actions of others get me down, I would have tapped out in kindergarten!

I love you all, and I hope I didn’t upset any of you with this post. Keep kicking ass, keep creating, and most importantly, keep being you!

When to say Goodbye

Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well. As you can probably tell by the title, I’m not in the best headspace… but I’m trying to be.

For a couple of months now, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in my life and those I really care about. I think about the ones I haven’t heard from in a while and wonder what they’ve been up to. I even went through old conversations, which all ended the same way: unread messages… no response.

Now I know people get busy, it’s not like we’re in high school anymore with endless time to do whatever we want. I know a lot of people have become depressed due to the events of 2020, and a lot even forgot how to socialize. It can even be the pure fact of growing apart. I’m understanding of all of it, I’m not innocent in any of this. I shutdown and disappear, and I get so caught up with my life that I forget to respond but what bothers me is that they make time for everyone else.

My entire life, I’ve always been a backup if plans fell through or if nothing else was going on. I used to ask to hang out and play games and be told they were going to bed, only to find out that they were going out. I don’t understand why they couldn’t just say they had plans. This isn’t just one person, either. There are a few who I’ve had in my life for years that do this.

What hurts the most is when they question me about not writing to them for a while, when they never reach out first. I realized that when I went through the conversations that I write first a majority of the time. I’m not going to lie, I sent multiple messages without a single view or response just checking in on them and making sure that they’re okay.

I’m hurt because these were people that I would do anything for. I let them into my home, I fed them, I listened to them, took off work and stayed with them when they needed something. I didn’t do any of that expecting anything in return, but after everything I’ve been through with these people I would have at least expected a goodbye.

So now I’m here debating whether or not now is the time to walk away.