Podcast and Project Update

Hello everyone! I hope everyone has had a wonderful week and is going strong! My week has been alright, just taking it day by day. I just needed some time to clear my mind. This year has given all of us plenty of time to think and make needed adjustments.

I normally upload my podcast today (Thursday), but I really didn’t have the energy to record an episode this week. For those of you who don’t know, I am a streamer on twitch (link goes to my channel). I go live Monday, Wednesday, Friday and possibly Saturday around 11PM EST. This week was filled with collaborations with some really great people which will be getting a post of their own! Being an introvert, though, has caused my social battery to run extremely low and I forgot to leave a bit of juice left for the podcast. What I’m going to to is move the podcast to Sunday, which will give me plenty of time during the week to recharge and make the content that I want to make. I will also be uploading the podcast to youtube, so click the think and follow there if you want to listen on there. There’s one highlight video from the stream on there, so the podcast episodes will be easy to find! As well, for anyone interested, I will be starting to upload the stream VODs to yotube, as well!

Moving on to the next topic, I am going to be contacting an artist to help me redesign everything (logos, panel images, between scene stuff, etc.). I know I have been saying for a while that I would be giving Rooplixoo a facelift, but the time has finally come that it’s being put in motion. I honestly don’t know what direction I want to go in, but I’m sure once I sit down with someone that has actual artistic talent, we’ll be able to figure something out!

Moving back to the stream, I am up to 132 followers which is absolutely amazing! I started on June 29 of this year and hit affiliate on July 17 after 9 streams! I honestly thought I wasn’t going to be even remotely close to affiliate until next year. If anyone would have told me I would have accomplished this much in such a short period of time, I wouldn’t have believed them! I am truly grateful for everyone who has supported and pushed me during this whole thing. I have met some amazing people so far, and I hope to continue to grow and meet these wonderful souls. With everything going on in the world, this is the light I needed to keep going. Thank you.

As always, if any of you need a place to feel like you belong, someone to talk to, or to make new friends to play games with, head on over to my discord where you’ll be welcomed with open arms! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see you soon! ♥

Dear Whoever You Are

Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.

The Honest Truth

Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.