Tag: sad

(It’s not) Just Another Day

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Good morning/afternoon/evening/time of existence everyone, I truly hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry for not posting anything last week, I just needed some time to step back and really focus on myself. I will say this, this post has to do with my pregnancy and how I’m feeling (it won’t be graphic, but just a warning).

Today was my due date; I know that due dates are just an estimate but this is the only day that I have to go off of. The whole thing feels so surreal, like everything was a really weird dream or someone else’s memory, but then it sinks in that it’s mine.

I didn’t know how I was going to be today. With each day that passed, my mind wandered and started thinking about how I would feel and what I would look like. I thought about the names I picked out… what it would be like to hold you.

What I am going to focus on, though, is that I did get to hold you. I held you for a little over 11 weeks, and I love and cherish the time I had with you. I don’t want to give you a name, because no name could truly capture how special and wonderful you were. Just know that you will always hold a place in my heart and that you were and always will be loved.

I know you are okay now, and I know I will be, too.

When to say Goodbye

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well. As you can probably tell by the title, I’m not in the best headspace… but I’m trying to be.

For a couple of months now, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in my life and those I really care about. I think about the ones I haven’t heard from in a while and wonder what they’ve been up to. I even went through old conversations, which all ended the same way: unread messages… no response.

Now I know people get busy, it’s not like we’re in high school anymore with endless time to do whatever we want. I know a lot of people have become depressed due to the events of 2020, and a lot even forgot how to socialize. It can even be the pure fact of growing apart. I’m understanding of all of it, I’m not innocent in any of this. I shutdown and disappear, and I get so caught up with my life that I forget to respond but what bothers me is that they make time for everyone else.

My entire life, I’ve always been a backup if plans fell through or if nothing else was going on. I used to ask to hang out and play games and be told they were going to bed, only to find out that they were going out. I don’t understand why they couldn’t just say they had plans. This isn’t just one person, either. There are a few who I’ve had in my life for years that do this.

What hurts the most is when they question me about not writing to them for a while, when they never reach out first. I realized that when I went through the conversations that I write first a majority of the time. I’m not going to lie, I sent multiple messages without a single view or response just checking in on them and making sure that they’re okay.

I’m hurt because these were people that I would do anything for. I let them into my home, I fed them, I listened to them, took off work and stayed with them when they needed something. I didn’t do any of that expecting anything in return, but after everything I’ve been through with these people I would have at least expected a goodbye.

So now I’m here debating whether or not now is the time to walk away.

Dear Whoever You Are

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Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.