Things have slowly been getting back to normal for me. I’m back in school full time, and I’m actually getting sleep. My mind isn’t as cluttered and I’m finally getting to my list of to-dos that I’ve been putting off. I completed my first stream; I played Minecraft with a couple of friends and it went really well. I finally feel like I’m getting back to who I am.
Unfortunately, settling back into who I am comes with complications… My depression is coming back at full force. Each day is a battle, so I’ve gotten back into staying up all night, going to sleep at around 8AM and waking up at around 3PM. I’m spacing out more and my chest is constantly tight.
I have people in my life, but I feel completely alone. I am completely alone. I refuse to let anyone in past the surface. I create these illusions for myself and others so I can pretend that everything is wonderful and fine. The truth is that I feel empty and all I’m doing is forcing myself to do what I need to do.
I keep going, though… I keep trying and pushing.
Well, I just got the e-mail that Rooplixoo has been renewed for another year! I’ve come a long way since I started this blog, but I didn’t end up where I thought I would by this time. I had all these ideas and dreams of what I would be doing now in life and how I would feel. Even though a lot has changed, I’m still the same person I was.
I have grown and learned a few more lessons along the way, but I’m still me. I still do crazy shit with my hair and space out for hours at a time. I can’t fix my sleep schedule for the life of me and I hoard candy in my room. The one thing that I’m still happy that I have, though, is this need to take on anything and everything. As stressed and angry as I get, I still want to conquer what’s thrown my way.
It’s been close to a year since I made my first blog post and, no, I don’t have as many posts on here as I would have liked and I haven’t made a single video, but I’m happy with it and that’s all that matters.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to do what you want to do, as long as you’re still trying to do it. I will keep pushing forward and even if I slow down, I won’t stop.
I love you all, and thank you so much for the support!
The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.
There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.
I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.
Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.
Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.
I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day.
Tonight, I decided on something that I didn’t think I would be doing for a while, and it’s definitely not for the reason I thought I would be doing it.
Since early June, I’ve been working in fast food as a shift manager… well, that’s what I was hired as, anyway. I knew it was going to be rough, but I was up for the challenge. After a few weeks, I started to find my way and make a place for myself under the golden arches (if that’s not a big enough hint as to where I worked, I don’t know what else to tell you).
With every work place, there’s drama and secrets. I thought I was stronger, but I’m not. I am, however, driven to move forward, because tonight I decided to quit. I am constantly being told that I can’t do my job, so I’m not going to do it. I’m going to focus on school, get my degree and do what I want to do. It’s going to be hard, but at least I know with this path that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel instead of a brick wall.
As I’ve mentioned before, I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, but I can control it for the most part. I haven’t been able to control it for about a month now and being aware of that destroys me. I am broken and I’m doing my best to fix myself. Life is too short, and I’ve done too much to let this place drag me down.
To all of you from work who read this: I am sorry for not being strong enough to stick around for a bit longer, and I’m sorry for all the days I snapped and broke down on front counter. Thank you for the laughs and the experience.
Here’s to the next chapter…
I finally did it…. I bought a laptop just for writing. It will be used for this blog and any other writing projects I start. I have all my folders set up and logged in to all the accounts I will need. I’m happy that I did it. I don’t even feel guilty about buying it. I was going to wait until my next paycheck, but fuck it. Life’s too short to keep waiting and putting things off.
In other news, I made a list of short-term and long-term goals. Once I get it semi-finalized, I will make a post about it.
I promise I won’t let Rooplixoo crumble, I just needed some time to figure out how to get back into it.
I love you all.
The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..
I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.
Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.
I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.
I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.
See you later.
The past few days have been a bit stressful, but I realized that since I started this job I haven’t been holding onto as much anger. I deal with tough people everyday now, but once I’m done bitching about it, I’m able to move on from the situation a bit easier than before. I still bitch and hold onto things, I’m not completely better, but it’s a step in the right direction.
I have a 1 PM start tomorrow, but I’m going to try to work a double and take off Wednesday so I have 2 days off back-to-back. I don’t know why I want to have the days off, because all I want to do in my free time is work now. I am exhausted and drained, but I still have tons of energy.
I hope everyone sleeps well tonight and wakes up refreshed in the morning!
Today marked the first of many, as I encountered someone who was a bit unpleasant… At the time, I actually got really upset to the point that I was fighting back tears, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t matter and I can’t keep wasting tears on people who aren’t worth it.
Over the past few days, I have dealt with such nice people, whether it’s customers or coworkers, and that’s what I need to focus on. I am very lucky to be working with people who are so understanding, and they make it worthwhile.
All I have to do and keep doing is focus on the good people and it will make working, and living, a lot easier. I know I can do it.
It just hit me that I’m getting tired at a normal hour, which doesn’t happen often for me. I will be working tomorrow through the weekend. I have worked full time before, but it was in an office and only for a couple of months.
I’m happy that I’m getting back on a normal schedule and getting out of the house. I’m extremely exhausted, but it’s good to get away from the computer for a while.
I hope everyone has a wonderful night!