Absolutely No Time

I’m trying here, I really am. I just checked my punch card and it says I have a little over 97 hours for the pay period. I know, who complains about overtime? It’s only 17 hours, but I barely have time to breathe. This is being an adult: working, no social life, no down time, no nothing. I have no problem putting in extra work, or going above and beyond, but I’m sacrificing a lot and I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

I need a job, there’s no question about that. I just feel like I’m so far off from where I wanted to be in life and I don’t know how to even get back to where I need to be. I want to get back into this. I had so many plans for Rooplixoo – blog, streaming, videos, podcast, business – and I still do, but finding the time to do it is beyond difficult. I need this outlet, I need you guys, I need all of this.

I remember how happy I was when I got my first subscriber after my mom, and I was so taken away by the fact that my work was powerful enough to get someone to want to see more. I didn’t do this to become famous or popular, I did this for me. I have always been an outcast, and I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m not going to do anything hasty and quit my job to blog full-time, but I need to figure out a way to get my life to a point that I’m happy with it.

I still love you guys, and forever will.

Stay strong kids ♥

An Open Book

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.

New Year, New Me?

Yes, it’s the 12th of January and I’m just now making my New Year’s post. The end of 2019 and the first couple of weeks of 2020 have been very interesting, to say the least.

I got a new job at the beginning of December, and a long with that started the next chapter of my life. I am the night auditor at a hotel. It’s not the most exciting, but it gives me the opportunity to do my school work and actually be in a work environment that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out. I even have the time to write, which is what I’m doing right now.

The beginning of 2020 was mediocre at best, but I have no complaints. I did get to thinking, though, about what I truly want for myself and the next year of my life. One of the things that bothers me constantly is that I am alone. I have friends, but I never really feel like I fit in and I become drained as of late just thinking about going out… but I still try to stay in touch. With that being said, I’m not going to be the only one reaching out anymore. I can’t keep doing it. So, if anyone wants to get in touch with me, you can send me a message and I’ll get back to you when it’s convenient for me. I’m not mad or angry about it, but I just think it’s kind of ridiculous to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Something else that I want to be able to do is travel this year, so I need to get my license, passport and a map. I’m not spending another year going between work and home, with the occasional pit stop at a bar. For me, it’s extremely disappointing. I’ve been in this godawful place for too long and I need to get out.

I need to just be myself and live my life. At this point, no one seems to give a shit if they piss me off, use me, treat me like shit or flat out lie to my face, so I don’t give a shit if they need a shoulder to cry. Until it’s a two-way road, I’m not giving anything else. So, for me, it’s not “new year, new me”– it’s “new year, true me”.

Let’s Ketchup!

Hey, how have you guys been? It’s been a while! Me? Oh, I’m alright. I recently moved and I got a new job.

I am the new Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, and honestly, I love it so far. I really didn’t want to go back into food, but they’re right up he street and everyone I work with is amazing! Even the customers are great, which is rare in the service industry. Our location is currently undergoing renovations, which is why there’s a picture of me in a hardhat. The flower, however, is a different story.

This woman came through drive-thru while I was in back booth taking orders and money. She gave me the gardenia and we talked about flowers for a few minutes before she moved to the second window to get her food. I was so shocked by this small token of kindness, that I wore that flower in my hair and in my shirt pocket all day, and put it in some water when I got home.

Once I got out of back booth, I showed everyone on the floor my flower, and I was the happiest I’ve been in a while. It was such a simple and small thing, but it made my entire day, and I still smile thinking about this random woman who handed me a flower through a window.

There are a lot of assholes out there, but there’s also a lot of good people. I work with and serve a lot of the good ones. Even a car full of teenagers told me that my attitude made their day.

I hope all of you re doing well, I really do. If you go out today, maybe pick a few flowers to hand out. I know it made my day.

For Myself

Yesterday was a rough one, but I did realize a lot (on my own and with the help of others). I can’t say much without breaching my contract at work, but I will say that what transpired was, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. I have calmed down since the incident and here is what I’ve taken away from the whole thing:

  • I am not a bad person.
  • I am a wonderful employee and go above and beyond what is expected of me.
  • “You’re too beautiful to cry, and too good for this place.” — Wonderful Customer.

Most importantly, I’m not putting my future in jeopardy for a temporary job. I love my job and I take pride in everything I do and accomplish, but I have such a bad taste in my mouth now that I need to get back on the track of doing right by me.

Now that my mind is clear and I feel like I can breathe, I have one main goal in mind: finish school by my birthday (July 23). I am currently completing 50 lessons a week. I have 472 lessons left, which is about 10 weeks of work if I keep going at this pace. I know some of the labs I have to complete will take longer than that, but I have a little over 4 months before my deadline and I really think I can do this if I can avoid many issues and distractions.

I am proud of myself. I am smart, funny, and care a lot about those around me, but it’s time for me to put all of that energy towards myself and my goals.

I love you all. Here’s to the dark days ahead, and the many bright ones to come.

Catch Up?

It’s been a while, and I do apologize. The past month has been a bit hectic, so here I am with some time on my hands.

As of right now, I am currently dying of girl disease (AKA wicked period cramps). I slept at boy’s place until 3PM, got up, came home, did school work and went to dinner with said boy and got sick there… went to his, felt sick again… went home… it was a day!

Now for the events of the past months… During the first month of February, I went to an interview and got hired on the spot! I now work at Ulta Beauty as a beauty adviser and I enjoy it a lot. The best part is that I get to do my makeup more often which means I will be blogging about makeup again! I only work 3-4 days a week which gives me plenty of time to do school work.

Valentine’s Day was great. I worked that day (only 5 hours) and I was surprised to see my boyfriend waltz in to come get me from work. We left and headed to Eat n’ Park (my choosing), and spent the night together. It was really nice and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

School is going well, I have finally caught up after all the new curriculum was added and I’m a little over 25% through my course. I’ve completed over 40 lessons in less than a week and I feel like everything is back on track.

For the next few months, I will be getting back into writing (on here and on my books), streaming and making videos, and school. I’m really happy with how I’m doing and where I’m headed.

A Huge Revelation

The past couple weeks have been nothing but stress, and now they’re finally over… except they’re not, not for me anyway, and it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t vent without being told that I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. Whether or not it’s meant to make me feel like I’m wrong, it does. Just to clarify, because unfortunately I have to, this goes for multiple people in my life.

So, here’s my solution. I’m avoiding everyone’s problems and focusing on myself, like everyone else. I’ve realized that a majority of my problems are someone else’s and not my own, and since I’m not allowed to alleviate my pain through venting, I’m just going to step back and be selfish. Yeah, you shouldn’t do what everyone else is doing because it’s easier, but I’m done being a verbal punching bag for whoever needs it and then getting only getting the satisfaction that they feel better, because I don’t. I know you shouldn’t do things merely to reap the rewards of a job well done, but how much more am I supposed to take without getting anything.

I am going on a vacation for the time being. I don’t know if it will be a mental or physical vacation, but it’s going to happen because I think I’ve earned that much.

I’m pissed, and I’m only being pushed further by those around me. I still care about all of you, but I’m putting myself first now and if that’s an issue then that’s on you.

It Finally Happened

As I start my journey into 2019, I finally hit my goal of 100 followers! In the beginning, I didn’t think I would even get 10 followers. To know that I’ve reached so many people in a year truly makes me happy.

2018 had many up and downs, and this blog helped me work through a lot. This blog was about getting my life back on track and utilizing what I had at my disposal, but it’s done so much more than that. I’ve gained confidence and inspiration to do what I want to do. I feel like I can be myself and it’s okay that I have emotions and thoughts.

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work, those who reached out when I was sad, and the ones who pushed me to keep going. All of you have shown me love and gave me a reason to pick myself up over and over again.

I love you all. Thank you.

A New Year?

It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.

Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.

I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.

I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.

How It Is

Things have slowly been getting back to normal for me. I’m back in school full time, and I’m actually getting sleep. My mind isn’t as cluttered and I’m finally getting to my list of to-dos that I’ve been putting off. I completed my first stream; I played Minecraft with a couple of friends and it went really well. I finally feel like I’m getting back to who I am.

Unfortunately, settling back into who I am comes with complications… My depression is coming back at full force. Each day is a battle, so I’ve gotten back into staying up all night, going to sleep at around 8AM and waking up at around 3PM. I’m spacing out more and my chest is constantly tight.

I have people in my life, but I feel completely alone. I am completely alone. I refuse to let anyone in past the surface. I create these illusions for myself and others so I can pretend that everything is wonderful and fine. The truth is that I feel empty and all I’m doing is forcing myself to do what I need to do. 

I keep going, though… I keep trying and pushing.