The past couple weeks have been nothing but stress, and now they’re finally over… except they’re not, not for me anyway, and it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t vent without being told that I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. Whether or not it’s meant to make me feel like I’m wrong, it does. Just to clarify, because unfortunately I have to, this goes for multiple people in my life.
So, here’s my solution. I’m avoiding everyone’s problems and focusing on myself, like everyone else. I’ve realized that a majority of my problems are someone else’s and not my own, and since I’m not allowed to alleviate my pain through venting, I’m just going to step back and be selfish. Yeah, you shouldn’t do what everyone else is doing because it’s easier, but I’m done being a verbal punching bag for whoever needs it and then getting only getting the satisfaction that they feel better, because I don’t. I know you shouldn’t do things merely to reap the rewards of a job well done, but how much more am I supposed to take without getting anything.
I am going on a vacation for the time being. I don’t know if it will be a mental or physical vacation, but it’s going to happen because I think I’ve earned that much.
I’m pissed, and I’m only being pushed further by those around me. I still care about all of you, but I’m putting myself first now and if that’s an issue then that’s on you.
As I start my journey into 2019, I finally hit my goal of 100 followers! In the beginning, I didn’t think I would even get 10 followers. To know that I’ve reached so many people in a year truly makes me happy.
2018 had many up and downs, and this blog helped me work through a lot. This blog was about getting my life back on track and utilizing what I had at my disposal, but it’s done so much more than that. I’ve gained confidence and inspiration to do what I want to do. I feel like I can be myself and it’s okay that I have emotions and thoughts.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work, those who reached out when I was sad, and the ones who pushed me to keep going. All of you have shown me love and gave me a reason to pick myself up over and over again.
I love you all. Thank you.
It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.
Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.
I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.
I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.
Things have slowly been getting back to normal for me. I’m back in school full time, and I’m actually getting sleep. My mind isn’t as cluttered and I’m finally getting to my list of to-dos that I’ve been putting off. I completed my first stream; I played Minecraft with a couple of friends and it went really well. I finally feel like I’m getting back to who I am.
Unfortunately, settling back into who I am comes with complications… My depression is coming back at full force. Each day is a battle, so I’ve gotten back into staying up all night, going to sleep at around 8AM and waking up at around 3PM. I’m spacing out more and my chest is constantly tight.
I have people in my life, but I feel completely alone. I am completely alone. I refuse to let anyone in past the surface. I create these illusions for myself and others so I can pretend that everything is wonderful and fine. The truth is that I feel empty and all I’m doing is forcing myself to do what I need to do.
I keep going, though… I keep trying and pushing.
Well, I just got the e-mail that Rooplixoo has been renewed for another year! I’ve come a long way since I started this blog, but I didn’t end up where I thought I would by this time. I had all these ideas and dreams of what I would be doing now in life and how I would feel. Even though a lot has changed, I’m still the same person I was.
I have grown and learned a few more lessons along the way, but I’m still me. I still do crazy shit with my hair and space out for hours at a time. I can’t fix my sleep schedule for the life of me and I hoard candy in my room. The one thing that I’m still happy that I have, though, is this need to take on anything and everything. As stressed and angry as I get, I still want to conquer what’s thrown my way.
It’s been close to a year since I made my first blog post and, no, I don’t have as many posts on here as I would have liked and I haven’t made a single video, but I’m happy with it and that’s all that matters.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to do what you want to do, as long as you’re still trying to do it. I will keep pushing forward and even if I slow down, I won’t stop.
I love you all, and thank you so much for the support!
The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.
There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.
I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.
Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.
Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.
I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day.
Tonight, I decided on something that I didn’t think I would be doing for a while, and it’s definitely not for the reason I thought I would be doing it.
Since early June, I’ve been working in fast food as a shift manager… well, that’s what I was hired as, anyway. I knew it was going to be rough, but I was up for the challenge. After a few weeks, I started to find my way and make a place for myself under the golden arches (if that’s not a big enough hint as to where I worked, I don’t know what else to tell you).
With every work place, there’s drama and secrets. I thought I was stronger, but I’m not. I am, however, driven to move forward, because tonight I decided to quit. I am constantly being told that I can’t do my job, so I’m not going to do it. I’m going to focus on school, get my degree and do what I want to do. It’s going to be hard, but at least I know with this path that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel instead of a brick wall.
As I’ve mentioned before, I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, but I can control it for the most part. I haven’t been able to control it for about a month now and being aware of that destroys me. I am broken and I’m doing my best to fix myself. Life is too short, and I’ve done too much to let this place drag me down.
To all of you from work who read this: I am sorry for not being strong enough to stick around for a bit longer, and I’m sorry for all the days I snapped and broke down on front counter. Thank you for the laughs and the experience.
Here’s to the next chapter…
I finally did it…. I bought a laptop just for writing. It will be used for this blog and any other writing projects I start. I have all my folders set up and logged in to all the accounts I will need. I’m happy that I did it. I don’t even feel guilty about buying it. I was going to wait until my next paycheck, but fuck it. Life’s too short to keep waiting and putting things off.
In other news, I made a list of short-term and long-term goals. Once I get it semi-finalized, I will make a post about it.
I promise I won’t let Rooplixoo crumble, I just needed some time to figure out how to get back into it.
I love you all.
The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..
I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.
Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.
I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.
I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.
See you later.