The Honest Truth

Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

We’re So Close!

Hey guys! Figured I would drop by and see how everyone is doing! I know I haven’t been writing a lot lately, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been very busy with the podcast and streaming! Both are going very well and that’s all thanks to you guys!

I have done 7 streams so far on Twitch, and have managed to get 39 followers, which is absolutely amazing! In the picture above shows everything I need to make affiliate and I am happy to share that I only need 11 more followers until I reach my goal of making affiliate! I also have a side quest of getting 100 followers on Twitch by July 23, 2020, which is in 8 days!

I am so excited about this journey, and I finally feel like I found my place in this crazy world. I want to thank you guys so much for supporting and standing by me through this, and I’m not just talking about the recent additions to this project. For those of you who have following me since 2018 on this blog, thank you for giving me the confidence to keep going and showing me I have a voice. It’s not always easy to keep pushing and overcoming, but all of you made it worth it.

If you guys do want to check out my stream, you can find me Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at https://twitch.tv/rooplixoo! I’m still working on setting a solid schedule for those days, so just bare with me; those of you who know me know I struggle keeping a schedule with my ADHD and life. I mainly stream Minecraft, but I do a bunch of goofy things and generally have a good time. I will either make a page on here with links to everything, or I’ll just add it to the About page (I haven’t decided yet).

Another announcement I have is that I am in the middle of re-branding, so you will be seeing changes across all of my platforms in the coming weeks, so I hope you guys enjoy the new look! I’m excited to see how everything turns out!

Well, that’s it for now! Once again, I love you all and thank you so much! Have a good day/night/time of existence, and I will talk to you guys on Thursday!

It’s Finally Happening!

I’m so excited!!!

Hey everyone! I was very busy this week, but hopefully all of my hard work will pay off on Monday, June 29, 2020, because I will be doing my first official live stream on twitch! I am super excited to be finally taking this step, and I hope all of you are excited, too!

My twitch channel can be found at http://twitch.tv/rooplixoo, and I hope to see you all there! Either tomorrow or Saturday, I will share the link to the discord, so then we all have a place to hangout and chat!

I love you all!

Confused and Lost

So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.

I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.

I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.

I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.

I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.

I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.