The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.
There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.
I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.
Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.
Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.
I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day.
Tonight, I decided on something that I didn’t think I would be doing for a while, and it’s definitely not for the reason I thought I would be doing it.
Since early June, I’ve been working in fast food as a shift manager… well, that’s what I was hired as, anyway. I knew it was going to be rough, but I was up for the challenge. After a few weeks, I started to find my way and make a place for myself under the golden arches (if that’s not a big enough hint as to where I worked, I don’t know what else to tell you).
With every work place, there’s drama and secrets. I thought I was stronger, but I’m not. I am, however, driven to move forward, because tonight I decided to quit. I am constantly being told that I can’t do my job, so I’m not going to do it. I’m going to focus on school, get my degree and do what I want to do. It’s going to be hard, but at least I know with this path that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel instead of a brick wall.
As I’ve mentioned before, I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, but I can control it for the most part. I haven’t been able to control it for about a month now and being aware of that destroys me. I am broken and I’m doing my best to fix myself. Life is too short, and I’ve done too much to let this place drag me down.
To all of you from work who read this: I am sorry for not being strong enough to stick around for a bit longer, and I’m sorry for all the days I snapped and broke down on front counter. Thank you for the laughs and the experience.
Here’s to the next chapter…
I finally did it…. I bought a laptop just for writing. It will be used for this blog and any other writing projects I start. I have all my folders set up and logged in to all the accounts I will need. I’m happy that I did it. I don’t even feel guilty about buying it. I was going to wait until my next paycheck, but fuck it. Life’s too short to keep waiting and putting things off.
In other news, I made a list of short-term and long-term goals. Once I get it semi-finalized, I will make a post about it.
I promise I won’t let Rooplixoo crumble, I just needed some time to figure out how to get back into it.
I love you all.
The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..
I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.
Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.
I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.
I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.
See you later.
The past few days have been a bit stressful, but I realized that since I started this job I haven’t been holding onto as much anger. I deal with tough people everyday now, but once I’m done bitching about it, I’m able to move on from the situation a bit easier than before. I still bitch and hold onto things, I’m not completely better, but it’s a step in the right direction.
I have a 1 PM start tomorrow, but I’m going to try to work a double and take off Wednesday so I have 2 days off back-to-back. I don’t know why I want to have the days off, because all I want to do in my free time is work now. I am exhausted and drained, but I still have tons of energy.
I hope everyone sleeps well tonight and wakes up refreshed in the morning!
Today marked the first of many, as I encountered someone who was a bit unpleasant… At the time, I actually got really upset to the point that I was fighting back tears, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t matter and I can’t keep wasting tears on people who aren’t worth it.
Over the past few days, I have dealt with such nice people, whether it’s customers or coworkers, and that’s what I need to focus on. I am very lucky to be working with people who are so understanding, and they make it worthwhile.
All I have to do and keep doing is focus on the good people and it will make working, and living, a lot easier. I know I can do it.
It just hit me that I’m getting tired at a normal hour, which doesn’t happen often for me. I will be working tomorrow through the weekend. I have worked full time before, but it was in an office and only for a couple of months.
I’m happy that I’m getting back on a normal schedule and getting out of the house. I’m extremely exhausted, but it’s good to get away from the computer for a while.
I hope everyone has a wonderful night!
I was worried for a while that I would never be able to work full-time. Between my physical and emotional problems, I didn’t have the drive or motivation to do really anything. Things are different now, though. I’m not depressed as much, and I feel driven to work and get an education. I feel like I can make it.
I have been faced with a lot of pain and misfortune in my life, and I held onto all of that pain for so long that I didn’t have room for anything good to happen. Once I started to let go of it a little bit at a time, things started to look brighter and I knew I was heading in the right direction.
I have goals and dreams now that are beyond waking up and getting through the day. I get up every morning excited to work and do my schoolwork. Knowing that I was able to make it through my past and get to this point has shown me that I can literally do anything.
Yesterday, I got a call and now I can finally talk about it. I put in an application to be a shift manager at McDonald’s and about an hour later I got a call to set up an interview for 9 AM today.
Between yesterday and this morning, I went from being excited to nervous to being frantic, and those emotions went in a constant loop until I got there and sat down. I won’t go into too much detail, but the interview went perfectly and I start orientation on Sunday!
I am still extremely nervous and excited, and this will open up so many opportunities for me. I feel like everything is moving in the right direction, and nothing will stop me!
I hope everyone has a great weekend, and a wonderful holiday!