Choose Your Battles Wisely

Hello everyone! As always, I hope you’re doing well! It’s been a minute since the last time I posted, and I’m sorry about that! I’ve been working on new artwork and overlays for my stream, as well as getting some school work done! Before we get started with today’s post, I do want to clear up a few things… Everything that I will be saying is based off of my experience, and is in no way meant to target everyone. This is more of an emotional vent because the things that have transpired have been weighing heavy on my mind and I process my thoughts and feels best through writing. With all of that out of the way, let’s get started…

I have played computer games for a majority life, starting with the Jumpstart series, all the way through the Nancy Drew games, and now I play a bit of everything. About 8 years ago is when I started playing multiplayer games and have met some wonderful people that I am more than happy to have in my life. Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. I encountered rage and kicks and all that good stuff. I didn’t let it stop me, though! I kept going and I will most likely play games for the rest of my life.

I am nowhere near good at games, but I play them to enjoy them and experience new things. Due to me not being the best at games, there are people who seem to take on the roll of carrying me through these games and talk down to me like I don’t know what I’m doing. I have been given the simplest of tasks and then praised or comforted like a child depending on whether or not I succeeded in the assignment at hand. I’ve been told that I’m good at games for a girl, which is utter bullshit. I’ve been belittled and insulted due to how I play and create. I will say this, even though it shouldn’t have to be said, I’ve received this treatment from every walk of life regardless of gender, sexuality, religion, etc..

I’m not here to be the best, I’m not even here to be good. I’m here to have fun and share who I am through creating. For the most part, I absolutely love the twisted family I’ve created and appreciate all of you so much for being in my corner over the years.

I really needed to get that off my chest and I honestly feel a lot better. I’m going to keep fighting and pushing forward because if I let the actions of others get me down, I would have tapped out in kindergarten!

I love you all, and I hope I didn’t upset any of you with this post. Keep kicking ass, keep creating, and most importantly, keep being you!

When to say Goodbye

Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well. As you can probably tell by the title, I’m not in the best headspace… but I’m trying to be.

For a couple of months now, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in my life and those I really care about. I think about the ones I haven’t heard from in a while and wonder what they’ve been up to. I even went through old conversations, which all ended the same way: unread messages… no response.

Now I know people get busy, it’s not like we’re in high school anymore with endless time to do whatever we want. I know a lot of people have become depressed due to the events of 2020, and a lot even forgot how to socialize. It can even be the pure fact of growing apart. I’m understanding of all of it, I’m not innocent in any of this. I shutdown and disappear, and I get so caught up with my life that I forget to respond but what bothers me is that they make time for everyone else.

My entire life, I’ve always been a backup if plans fell through or if nothing else was going on. I used to ask to hang out and play games and be told they were going to bed, only to find out that they were going out. I don’t understand why they couldn’t just say they had plans. This isn’t just one person, either. There are a few who I’ve had in my life for years that do this.

What hurts the most is when they question me about not writing to them for a while, when they never reach out first. I realized that when I went through the conversations that I write first a majority of the time. I’m not going to lie, I sent multiple messages without a single view or response just checking in on them and making sure that they’re okay.

I’m hurt because these were people that I would do anything for. I let them into my home, I fed them, I listened to them, took off work and stayed with them when they needed something. I didn’t do any of that expecting anything in return, but after everything I’ve been through with these people I would have at least expected a goodbye.

So now I’m here debating whether or not now is the time to walk away.

The Decade Known as 2020

A few more hours to go before we ring in the new year with hesitation! 2020 was definite one for the books and I think we’re all relieved to be finally moving on to 2021. I look back on this year, and as confusing and painful and lifechanging as it was for me, a lot of good came out of it.

Like many others, I was laid off back in February. I was lucky enough to still live at home, but I had student loans and bills to pay. Nothing was certain and I felt lost. I was denied unemployment and . I then sat down and started to think about what work I could do from home and I ran to Indeed and Glassdoor to see who need a remote position to be filled or a virtual assistant to go through and organize their emails. The pickings were slim and the jobs that I qualified for were being filled before the job listings were even put up.

Around March I received an email from Udemy saying that all courses were 90% off. I ignored it. For about a week and sat and waited for the day that I would get the call to come back to work. The call never came and I needed to come up with something to occupy my time so I didn’t go absolutely insane while being stuck at home. So what did I do? I started a podcast, though I had no audio editing skills… so I ended up finding the email from Udemy and started looking through page after page of audio editing. From their, audio editing courses turned into video editing and then I found a twitch streaming course. I bought 5 courses that day and decided I was going to podcast and stream and enjoy my time.

For about 4 months, I studied these courses and took notes like a star student. In May, I started the podcast and on June 29 was when I went live for the first time on Twitch. On July 17, I made affiliate and I just celebrated 6 months of streaming 2 days ago. I’ve people who I would have never crossed paths with and got to experience some amazing things. I learned how to handle assholes in my chat and gained the ability to laugh at myself and think on my feet. Most importantly, though, I found my calling. I made a streaming family, and we’re broken and fucked up, but loving and driven. I don’t want to go back to a 9-5 job where everything I do goes unnoticed and nothing ever makes an impact. I like being my own boss and waking up getting to do something that I love. No one is taking that away from me.

2020 was a shitshow, but I made something of myself this year and I want to celebrate that as we close this chapter. All of you share your love and support daily, and without any of you I wouldn’t be able to do this and I want to celebrate that, as well. Yes, 2020 will never be forgotten but if this year didn’t play out the way it did, none of this would have happened and for that I am beyond grateful.

In 2021, a lot is going to be changing for Rooplixoo and myself. January is going to be hectic getting everything finalized, but it’s going to be great! We have tons of projects to work on and holidays to celebrate. I say this a lot to people in my life, but I don’t think I’ve said this on here, so… you’re stuck with me. I have nothing but time to do this so that’s what I’m going to do.

Here’s to 2021 and to us. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful, kickass New Year. See you all next year!

The Early Hours of a Sleepless Mind

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all doing well! This isn’t going to be a normal post, as I have so many things I want to say, so this is just going to be a bunch of rambling and haphazardly pieced together thoughts… actually, this will be a normal post.

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve been happy and scared. I’ve made so many new friends; they’re so wonderful and I’m grateful to have them in my life. On the other end, I have people in my life that either no longer trust or that make it so I feel powerless in any situation that they’re involved in. I am strong, but I can’t help but fall back into my old habits and shut down.

The best part is that while all this is happening, my mind is muddied by a boy and I’m pretty sure I’ve driven my friends up a wall with how much I talk about it. I should just resort to writing his name in my school notebook and playing MASH at sleepovers. Even as I write this, my brain is an office whose filing cabinets just exploded everywhere and the power’s out.

Now that it’s 4:30AM and I have Steam Powered Giraffe blasting in my ears, I think I should remove my hands from the keyboard and go to bed.

I hope most of you are sleeping well, and the rest got enough sleep for a good day. I will be posting the podcast later today, so stay tuned for that!

…And Melancholy is the Nurse of Frenzy

Hello my friends. I hope everyone has gotten through the first week of December, and is spending the weekend as they wish. I unfortunately am in a fair bit of pain, so I’m resting and now writing because my mind is never at ease.

On top of the physical pain, my anxiety and depression decided to kick into overdrive. Last night, I was reminded (by myself) that I still had a dating profile up, so I did what anyone with a deadly curiosity would do and I started looking through those who swiped right on me. I forgot the insane the demands were listed on these profiles. Then I started thinking, though, maybe I’m the insane one. I mean, I’d sooner move to another country before I altered my appearance, and I would certainly not stay home and raise some fictitious family while I get dinner ready.

I guess my list would be a guy who I can joke with but also be able to hold a conversation with. Someone who wants to go on adventures, whether they be late night walks or in some game. One who understands that both of our projects and endeavors are equally important. As well, it would be nice to have someone to people watch with and create stories about who they are. Giggling all hours of the night and naps. With that being said, I guess my ideal partner would be a friend.

I’m a hopeless romantic with a twisted sense of humor. I’m awkward and terrible at exclaiming my thoughts and feelings. I will sooner tell someone that I like their face and want to smash it with mine, than just come out and say that I like them. I will use absolutely awful jokes, pickup lines, and fun facts. I’ve linked pinkies with people because I want to hold their hand but I’m too shy to do so and I don’t want them to feel obligated to hold mine.

I am fine being single, but I miss having talks about nothing and sharing stupid videos and songs with someone. I have wonderful people in my life that I am grateful for and would do anything for them, but I guess I’ve turned into a Hallmark movie where the holidays make you feel lonely and come New Years Eve, the magical script writer throws in a happily ever after and the credits roll. I don’t want a happily ever after, not yet anyway, I just don’t want to be alone.

Now that I’ve gotten that written down, I guess I go back to listening to music and playing Minecraft while breathing through the pain. I love you all so much. The podcast will be back on the 8th, so I will talk to you guys then!

Stay well!

New Friends and Old Habits

Happy Sunday everyone! I hope you guys had a wonderful week, and for those of you state side, a happy Thanksgiving! We are in the 11th hour of 2020, and I’m sure we’re all relieved to have made it to this point and excited to see what 2021 brings us! So let’s just dive into what’s been happening on my end and what you guys can expect moving forward!

In my last post, I mentioned that I had a crush on someone and was finally able to close a chapter that I thought would never end. I’m terrible at reading situations and people, but I’m just going to let it run its course and whether or not something happens, everything will be fine!

Next on the agenda, I have made a few new friends! They are crazy and extremely blunt, and I am honestly happy to have met them and can’t wait to see what insanity ensues. Before this year, I really hadn’t added anyone to my circle since college, so having new stories to hear and old stories to share has been overwhelming and wonderful. With that being said, I’m hoping that a few of them might show their faces (or their voices) on December 1st.

What is December 1st, you might ask? Well, it’s the 3rd birthday of Rooplixoo! Back in 2017, I wanted to start a blog about getting my shit together and being the person I wanted to be. We are now 3 years in, and I am doing pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do, and I’m happy.

Enough about me, though. Let’s get into what you guys will be getting! On December 1st at 3PM EST, I will be doing a 12-hour stream over on twitch to celebrate 3 years of this ever-growing project. On December 8th, the podcast will be returning! I am super excited to be able to do this again and to have new people on the show! Next on December 29th, we will be celebrating 6 months of streaming! Finally, on December 31st, I will be smoking my last cigarette. I have been smoking since I was 19 and I’m sick of it.

This year has definitely one for the books, but a lot of good has come out of it. Here’s to the last month of the year! We fucking made it!

A Turn of Events

Good morning everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful week. My sleep schedule has been finicky as of late, but I believe it to be due to some very interesting events over the past week, and what better way to process it all than to write it on a public platform for all to see! Also, I see we have a few new faces, and I would like to welcome you to Rooplixoo!

I used this year to build and reflect, as well as come to terms with certain chapters from my past. One chapter I struggled to finish was one of an old flame. Two years ago, I walked away from what I thought was my whole world. Since then, I haven’t really felt much for the gentlemen callers who would try and charm me. I thought I was bound to be alone because I couldn’t feel what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t feel butterflies or had a crush. I now realize how ridiculous that sounds.

Recently, I got a weird twinge in my whole body that can only be diagnosed as girl brain. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience – just floating along and enjoying life. I honestly feel like I’m back in school, looking across the room and daydreaming, only to be snapped back to reality when the bell rings. What I’m trying to say is that my eye has been caught, and I’m extremely happy because I now know that I’m capable of feeling something.

Do I know if anything will come from this? No, but that’s okay. Whether something happens or not, I’m just happy that I have finally moved on (and between me and all of you, he’s not an asshole, so I also broke that cycle)! My heart has been freed to beat strong and proud once again, and nothing compares to how I feel right now. I will say this, because I always feel the need to clarify, I am not in love, just a small crush that I’m leaning into because it’s been a while since I’ve been able to enjoy this feeling.

Last night, I listened to “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat for the first time in a while, and I was able to do so without feeling anything ill. I will always love him and think of him fondly, but I am finally able to wake up and be okay. Hands will still be weird, and that’s probably my b, but it will all be okay. My tomorrow finally came!

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and keep pushing through the shit! I love you all, and will see you soon!

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

Wow, who would have thought that I would put a Shakespeare quote on my blog, never mind put it in a title. The quote will make sense in a moment, but first.. Hello everyone, it’s me. How are you? I wish I could say I’m doing well and that everything is grand, but the truth is that 2020 has been a shitshow for everyone and it just keeps going.

In my last post, I was talking about a lot of the plans I had for Rooplixoo. I’m still going through with all of those, and nothing will hold me or this whole thing back. There have been a lot of hiccups along the way, especially over the past couple of weeks and I’m taking some time to process everything that has happened, but we will overcome whatever heads in our direction.

I think everyone here realizes that in terms of fight or flight, I walk the fine line between the two and veer off into fight every once in a while. Honestly, I am so tired of fighting but it’s better than lying down and giving up. As for the title, I’m tired of not speaking up as much as I should. This lady is going to protest as much as she damn well pleases. I am a basket case on a mission, armed with knowledge and the will to keep going.

I can say for a fact that I have killed off a lot of my braincells trying to get a point across to mind-numbingly dense people, but I keep going in hopes that I might be heard or at least make someone think.

Now to bring this post home – I am going to protest to my heart’s content; my parents raised a fool, not a bitch. I am a good person. I know a lot more than I lead on. I am my own person. I will not be blamed for situations that I was not aware of. I am strong and capable, and will rise from the ashes of my past. I am me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I love you all. I’m not okay right now; I’ve gone through the motions of losing and starting over, but I will be okay. You have all given me the power to find the strength within myself to keep going. It’s not always easy. I’m a magnet for bullshit (I swear it’s hereditary), but I’m not going to sit here and be scared or ashamed of being myself… not anymore.

Dear Whoever You Are

Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.

Confused and Lost

So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.

I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.

I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.

I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.

I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.

I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.