Giving Up

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

Losing Myself

I’ve been sleeping a lot… too much. When I’m up, I force a smile which is slowly breaking. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore and I’m struggling. I wish the strength I have been given was enough, but I need to find the strength in myself now.

I haven’t had the worst life, but it definitely wasn’t the best. I’m doing my best to make it better, but I need to be able to stay awake to get anywhere. I’ve been trying to focus on the good in my life, and it does help to have some sunshine in the storm, I just wish all I could focus on was the good.

I am strong, but I could be stronger, and that’s what I’m going to try to work on before it’s too late.

Growing Up

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.

My Way

Today was riddled with panic attacks and getting lost in my thoughts. I got to thinking about the problems I face and the people I have crossed paths with. I try to take something good away from all my interactions, but that’s not always the case. I have a habit of attracting people who are far from aligning with me and I don’t realize it until I’m too deep.

Fortunately, I have been able to realize that I’ve gained strength from all of my bad experiences. Not all of my bad experiences are life-shattering, but they all leave their marks. Some of these times in my life fade without a trace except for the memory of them, while others continue to try to find their way back into my life. Due to my anxiety, I have gained paranoia and constantly feel like I’m under a microscope.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be 100% honest, which I still try to do but I sensor myself and avoid certain topics. I have my reasons for keeping certain things private, one of them being that I don’t want to cause drama. I just wish I could write in length about the good things without shit hitting the fan.

The one thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I am truly happy and I’m not going to let these people hold me back. I’m an open book, and I want to share my story with the world no matter what it takes. Starting tomorrow, I will be heading in another new direction with Rooplixoo and I am confident that it will be okay.

Words

Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

Opinions

Opinions are great things. They have the power to bring like-minded people together, but it can also push people apart. I have many opinions that I tend not to share as to avoid causing any problems or confrontation. Unfortunately, some people feel that they not only need to share their opinions, but push their thoughts as if they were facts.

I have no problem with people speaking their minds, everyone does it. What I don’t appreciate is when people either tell me that my opinions are wrong, or when they try to force their thoughts on me. I’m all for freedom of speech, and I will defend everyone’s right to speaking freely, even if I don’t agree with them. It’s not a matter of taking away that right or freedom, rather the lack of respect when doing so that I would like to eliminate.

This weekend, the subject of political views came into the spotlight. Not mine, but someone who I’m very close to. They basically said that they hoped he wasn’t a Conservative. Now, for the record, he is not, but what if he was? He has the right to be one. People shouldn’t be judged on whether or they’re a good or bad person based on being either a Conservative or a Liberal.

A good person is good, and a bad person is bad. With that being said, “good” and “bad” are subjective; I know that I like to think of myself as a good person, and I am also aware of the fact that there are plenty of people out there that think I’m a complete asshole.

We sit here and preach acceptance and equality, until someone with a different opinion comes along. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I am 100% guilty to telling someone with a different opinion to mine that they’re wrong. We, as people, are flawed.

I think once everyone truly accepts the fact that everyone thinks differently, it will solve a lot of problems… but that’s just my opinion.

Sleepovers and Sandwiches

Today was a very nice day. I got to have a sleepover with my best friend. I haven’t had a sleepover in so long, and it was just nice to have someone there with me as I fell asleep.

After I woke up (they are still sleeping as I write this), my mom and I went to the store and got stuff to make sandwiches! Normally, sandwich night is on Monday, but I think sandwiches is a good way to end the week!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Friday and has a great weekend!

Different Pieces, Same Puzzle

There are many pieces to a puzzle that make up a beautiful picture. There are two main pieces to puzzles: the edges, which frame the bigger picture, and the inner pieces that are a collection of tiny details that eventually all fit together. Without the edges, there would be no structure. Without the inner pieces, there would be no story.

Today, as always, I was talking to that certain someone. We spent a long time talking about what we want in the future. Where I have all these ideas of what I want to do but don’t know where I’ll end up, their end goal is to be happy and will do what it takes to get there.

As we talked about the future, I started to see the edges and the center come together and make a beautiful mess, filled with trips and dreams. A picture is worth a thousand words, and I was left speechless. The details are a bit rough, but I like it that way.

Reflecting

I have a bad habit of checking my Facebook memories every day, wanting to see what the Paige of the past was up to. Today, I saw a status I was tagged in 7 years ago. At first, I was happy because I remember the day perfectly, but then I started to feel sad.

I moved a lot throughout my life. I went from New York to New Jersey to North Carolina to California to Nevada to Pennsylvania. With all the moving around, I thought I would get used to change and new faces, but it really doesn’t get easier. I’ve been in PA for about 8 years now and, as much as I hated high school and a majority of the people in my school with a passion, I miss the people I was once close with.

There have been days where I wanted to reach out to them and try to reconnect, but my fear of rejection holds me back from doing so. I would rather leave it in the past and have fond memories of the adventures we went on, and the laughs we shared. Each relationship ran its course, and I still have a special place in my heart for almost every single person I’ve encountered.

In life, all we can do is go forward; holding onto the past and trying to recreate it only ends up hurting. If you’re supposed to reconnect with those from another time, it will happen, just don’t force it.

Keeping it Under Wraps

Sometimes it’s hard to look forward. We can’t see past what’s happened before and we try desperately to be in the moment. The fact of the matter is that the future, second by second, is coming and going at a constant speed and we can’t stop it. We sit and plan out our lives and daydream about everything we want to do. In some aspects we do have some input as to where we’ll end up, but for the most part we don’t; we need to try to gain the ability to accept that even though the unknown is scary, it’s quite beautiful.

For a while, my initial plan for life was to rough it on my own. I was going to move to Seattle, invest in a few apartments and once I had enough money, I would go to a sperm bank and make a family for myself. If someone came along and wanted to be apart of it, they could. I wanted to have this all done by 25. Recently, my plans got completely turned upside down. I’m going to be 23 in July, I still live at home and I’m a student. I also know that I will not be going at this alone.

I never thought I would be here, with someone and have so many opportunities. This wasn’t apart of my master plan, but I am so happy that dream got demolished and replaced with this one.

Eventually, I will write about my new plan for life, but I want to keep this dream to myself for a bit longer. I’m still in shock about the whole thing, and it amazes me to the point that just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (good tears, I assure you).

Sometimes keeping things a secret can be hard, but this has been the easiest thing to ever happen to me,