Category: Life

A Turning Point

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Hello again, I hope life’s treating you well. I’m sorry I never stick to a schedule and that I don’t post updates as to what’s going on. Time has this bad habit of slipping away from me. This post is kind of an update, and kind of a vent. The vent will come first, the update later.

The past year has shown me how much I can handle and, with that knowledge, the ability to see what I’m willing to handle and what I want nothing to do with. There is a long road behind me, and an even longer one ahead of me. I’ve been told what to say, who I can talk to, asked to reveal my thoughts just to be put down, told what games I could play. I’ve been asked how I was doing as a way to unlock the door so the other person could kick the door wide open and drown me in their thoughts, completely disregarding my mindset. I’ve been analyzed like I’m under a microscope like someone’s sick experiment, and blamed for things I have no control over just so they can feel better. They take the liberty of sharing my story or what they consider to be my truth.

Honestly, fuck all of it.

I am so tired of being a passion project, guinea pig, punching bag, or whatever role fits their needs at the moment. I know, I should be better at setting boundaries. I’m getting better at it but it’s not easy. I’m not saying that I won’t be their for others, I just refuse to be used anymore. There are people in my life who honestly shouldn’t be because all they do is beat me down and hurt me. It might have taken me a while, but I’ve been through hell and back and I will no longer allow anyone like this on the path I blaze. I understand that we all go through a lot, but why am I seen as less?

With all of that being said, I will be okay. I know I will be okay. I am still standing tall and trying my best every single day. I just know now that I will not being going into my 27th year on this planet with the baggage I carry.

Sorry for the heavy stuff, but I needed to vent and this blog is called “The Change”… moving on to something happy, I have gotten my creative spark back, and I’ve started to see myself for who I am. I’m not 100% (no one ever is), but I’m getting there. I’ve had a lot on my mind, a lot of stressful things but a lot of amazing things, too.

I’ve missed you all so much, and I want to thank you all for sticking by me through the years. I don’t know where life is going to take any of us, but I know it will be filled with achievements and memories.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and continue to kick ass! I love you all ♥

(It’s not) Just Another Day

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Good morning/afternoon/evening/time of existence everyone, I truly hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry for not posting anything last week, I just needed some time to step back and really focus on myself. I will say this, this post has to do with my pregnancy and how I’m feeling (it won’t be graphic, but just a warning).

Today was my due date; I know that due dates are just an estimate but this is the only day that I have to go off of. The whole thing feels so surreal, like everything was a really weird dream or someone else’s memory, but then it sinks in that it’s mine.

I didn’t know how I was going to be today. With each day that passed, my mind wandered and started thinking about how I would feel and what I would look like. I thought about the names I picked out… what it would be like to hold you.

What I am going to focus on, though, is that I did get to hold you. I held you for a little over 11 weeks, and I love and cherish the time I had with you. I don’t want to give you a name, because no name could truly capture how special and wonderful you were. Just know that you will always hold a place in my heart and that you were and always will be loved.

I know you are okay now, and I know I will be, too.

To All the Van Goghs

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well. I’m not going to have a long introduction today, just a few sentences before we jump in. Today, we are going to be talking about all of the creative and beautiful minds out there who might not see how bright they truly are.

When I was 14 years old, I started my first blog. My English teacher at the time inspired me to start writing, so the blog was used as a public file for my work. I mostly wrote poems, but tried my hand at monologues, too, and I was so proud of my writing and the little feedback I received that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. I finally felt like I had something to offer; I was the weird kid in school, and I was constantly bullied, but writing made me feel like I had a place. Sadly, that dream was cut short a year later at a new school with a new English teacher. She made it a point to tell me that my writing (creative and analytical) was subpar, and that I should look to do something more my speed. I stopped truly writing up until 4 years ago when I started this blog.

There are still times when I sit down to write, that I think back to what that English teacher said to me and I will stop writing. The amount of short stories and poems I ended up deleting or throwing out because I thought, “What’s the point?” and “Why bother?”. So many words left unwritten because someone made me feel like they weren’t worth writing. That’s not right. Everyone has a voice. Everyone has something to say and who are we to tell them to be quiet.

I started this blog 4 years ago and since then, I’ve also started a podcast and a stream. I have interacted with many with you, and the outpour of love and support is truly amazing, but the one thing that sticks out is how many of you have faced similar people who told you that you should give up on your dream or to just stop completely because you’re not good enough. Which brings me to the title of this post…

To all the Van Goghs out there: please keep creating. Keep brightening this world with your thoughts and ideas. Throw paint at a wall, draw squiggles all over your clothes, sing, dance, tell jokes, cook, bake, write, perform… just keep going. Don’t let the world go another day without you and your passions, because even if you think no one cares or appreciates your work, I do. Don’t let everyone miss out on your reality because one person told you to stop dreaming.

Quiet Room, Loud Thoughts

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In about 14 hours, I will be going live with my first 24-hour live stream and, unfortunately, I can’t sleep. Part of it is the excitement, but it’s mostly about my past and what brought me to this point. Everything is going great… my business is doing well, I’m in a loving relationship, my future finally isn’t so dull, but I keep looking back to who I was.

I was always the weird kid – I collected pencil tips, had a strong drive to learn and create, and just wanted to have friends. I used to dream about getting my driver’s license and having a wedding at an ice skating rink so I could skate down the aisle, and living in a mansion that had a zoo in the backyard. All of that died when I turned 11 and entered middle school (grades 6, 7, and 8). I missed the memo that Lisa Frank and playing on the swings wasn’t “cool” anymore. I became a target, and it fucking sucked. I’m not going to say I was innocent. I did my best to fight back and take a stance, but due to not being in the right clique, I stayed at the bottom of the food chain and stayed there until I graduated from high school.

There was a time where my mother had to pull me out of school for a week and teach me from home because the bullying and harassment got so bad. I think what hurt the most is that the kids that pushed me down everyday had the nerve to sit with me and cry when we were moving. I wonder if they remember the things they said, and the scars they left. I still get extremely uncomfortable if my ears show, and I cover my mouth when I laugh because of the gap in my teeth. Kids can be downright awful, and it kills me that it’s just getting worse.

I went to a handful of dances, but was never asked to one. I never slow danced with a guy until this year, and it only lasted for a moment. I wanted to dance to 16 Candles on my 16th birthday, but my boyfriend at the time refused. I stopped trying to make my childhood dreams come true after that, because I gave up on them and myself. I felt completely alone and looking back, outside of my family, I was.

Fast forward to now. It’s 2am, I’m 26 and I’m blasting Journey while I get ready for an event that I planned, with my boyfriend sleeping in a call with me. Looking back on everything that has happened, every painful and beautiful milestone, has gotten me to this point and I would do it all again if I had to, but I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would all be okay, and that we made it. It breaks my heart thinking about who I was and what I went through, and not so deep down, I’m still that same, awkward kid who just wants to learn and create, and have fun and do weird dances and to just love myself.

If somehow this blog is magic and can go back to me in 2006, I want me to know that it turns out alright, and to keep dreaming and making art on MS Paint. You’re beautiful and wonderful and a pain in the ass, but the ones you have in your life love you.

For those of you who still look back on your tween and teen years and your heart breaks for your younger self, just know that if you’re reading this, you’ve made it. You beat all odds and you can now stand tall and know that everything is okay. Being an adult sucks, but there’s not enough money in existence to get me to go back to middle/high school.

I love you all. Keep kicking ass. ♥

Busy, Busy Bee

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Hello my lovelies! I hope you’ve all been kicking ass! The past few weeks have been hectic but I’m finally finding time to sit down and write (a day late, but what can we do?). Before we get started, I want to thank you all for the continued love, and I hope you all know that I love all of you back! With that being said, let’s dive in!

I feel like I’ve been going non-stop between writing, networking, and creating, that exhaustion has caught up to me and I’ve been going into deep sleep every night, which is honestly great for me. I have everything in place for next month and I am super excited to post the schedule later today/tomorrow! It’s going to be a busy month filled with games, drinks, costumes and so much fun that nothing will top it!

I don’t have much else to cover, but I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday, and I’ll see you all soon!

MHM

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well! I know it’s been a while, but I have about 4 or 5 drafts that will be posted over the next couple of weeks. I was supposed to stream today, but due to not feeling well, I decided to write about what I was going to talk about on stream.

For those of you who don’t know, MHM (Mental Health Monday) is a segment that I do where I talk about mental health. Topic range from how I cope with certain things in my day-to-day life to how I’ve grown from situations in my past and everything in between. Sometimes I bring others on and we talk about how we’ve managed to navigate life and relationships with the mental cocktails we’ve been given. If you are new to the blog, welcome and enjoy your stay! If you are coming here from the stream, pretend you just listened to ~30 minutes of me singing and playing ukulele! Let’s dive in!

Since I haven’t been feeling well, I figured I would talk about how I deal with being sick while battling my mind. It might not seem like it’s a battle or anything that big, but it’s something I struggle with every time I’m not feeling well physically. When I get sick, whether it’s just a headache or the flu, I get extremely depressed. The way to feel better is to rest and relax, but slowing down to relax gives me too much time to think which makes my anxiety spike, and resting/sleeping too much makes me extremely depressed. I also get the shakes sometimes, which just makes me self-conscious.

Being sick is never fun for anyone… accept for the kids who get away with it and get to stay home from school. Cartoons and games for hours with not a single teacher in sight! It’s what I attempt to recreate. I spend the day in my pajamas, camp out somewhere that isn’t my bed, binge murder documentaries and play games on my phone. I’m still resting, but I’m distracted enough that I won’t fall down a rabbit hole. There are times that this doesn’t work, though, and that’s kind of what I’m dealing with right now.

This weekend was wonderful. It started with getting Vanish (my dad’s cat) to watch for a week, and then I spent the entire weekend with my absolutely wonderful boyfriend (a post about him will be coming out soon). We went out to dinner with my mother Sunday night and it was great. Unfortunately, I got sick on Thursday (food poisoning) so getting through the weekend was difficult. I still ate well, but I was constantly worried that anything I ate would make me feel worse. Thankfully that didn’t happen, but I still felt lousy. I also slept a lot, which isn’t new to me but because I was sleeping to feel better, I got kind of depressed. I was able to navigate my weekend a bit better because I was surrounded by love and laughter the entire time, but it was still an uphill battle with my mind. Even sitting here writing this… I wanted to stream today but didn’t feel well enough to do so, so I decided to write instead. I wanted to get this post out sooner, but now it’s approaching midnight and I’m still typing. I know I’m doing my best and the people who matter know this, too, but I still feel kind of shitty about it.

The one thing that is helping me through this, though, is the fact that I won’t feel like this forever. Will I feel like this again? Most definitely, but hopefully not for a while after this time. I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and survived, this is just another small bump in the road.

I know this isn’t the typical MHM, but I think it turned out pretty well! My question for all of you is: What makes you feel better when you’re sick? What comfort foods do you eat when you’re under the weather? What movies do you watch when you’re not feeling well?

I hope you all have a wonderful morning/afternoon/night, and I will be back up and running on Thursday (March 18, 2021) at 3PM EST on twitch! If you need a place to hang out, you can find me there or on discord! You are all so wonderful and I love you all!

Stay well, and I’ll see you soon!

Choose Your Battles Wisely

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Hello everyone! As always, I hope you’re doing well! It’s been a minute since the last time I posted, and I’m sorry about that! I’ve been working on new artwork and overlays for my stream, as well as getting some school work done! Before we get started with today’s post, I do want to clear up a few things… Everything that I will be saying is based off of my experience, and is in no way meant to target everyone. This is more of an emotional vent because the things that have transpired have been weighing heavy on my mind and I process my thoughts and feels best through writing. With all of that out of the way, let’s get started…

I have played computer games for a majority life, starting with the Jumpstart series, all the way through the Nancy Drew games, and now I play a bit of everything. About 8 years ago is when I started playing multiplayer games and have met some wonderful people that I am more than happy to have in my life. Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. I encountered rage and kicks and all that good stuff. I didn’t let it stop me, though! I kept going and I will most likely play games for the rest of my life.

I am nowhere near good at games, but I play them to enjoy them and experience new things. Due to me not being the best at games, there are people who seem to take on the roll of carrying me through these games and talk down to me like I don’t know what I’m doing. I have been given the simplest of tasks and then praised or comforted like a child depending on whether or not I succeeded in the assignment at hand. I’ve been told that I’m good at games for a girl, which is utter bullshit. I’ve been belittled and insulted due to how I play and create. I will say this, even though it shouldn’t have to be said, I’ve received this treatment from every walk of life regardless of gender, sexuality, religion, etc..

I’m not here to be the best, I’m not even here to be good. I’m here to have fun and share who I am through creating. For the most part, I absolutely love the twisted family I’ve created and appreciate all of you so much for being in my corner over the years.

I really needed to get that off my chest and I honestly feel a lot better. I’m going to keep fighting and pushing forward because if I let the actions of others get me down, I would have tapped out in kindergarten!

I love you all, and I hope I didn’t upset any of you with this post. Keep kicking ass, keep creating, and most importantly, keep being you!

When to say Goodbye

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well. As you can probably tell by the title, I’m not in the best headspace… but I’m trying to be.

For a couple of months now, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in my life and those I really care about. I think about the ones I haven’t heard from in a while and wonder what they’ve been up to. I even went through old conversations, which all ended the same way: unread messages… no response.

Now I know people get busy, it’s not like we’re in high school anymore with endless time to do whatever we want. I know a lot of people have become depressed due to the events of 2020, and a lot even forgot how to socialize. It can even be the pure fact of growing apart. I’m understanding of all of it, I’m not innocent in any of this. I shutdown and disappear, and I get so caught up with my life that I forget to respond but what bothers me is that they make time for everyone else.

My entire life, I’ve always been a backup if plans fell through or if nothing else was going on. I used to ask to hang out and play games and be told they were going to bed, only to find out that they were going out. I don’t understand why they couldn’t just say they had plans. This isn’t just one person, either. There are a few who I’ve had in my life for years that do this.

What hurts the most is when they question me about not writing to them for a while, when they never reach out first. I realized that when I went through the conversations that I write first a majority of the time. I’m not going to lie, I sent multiple messages without a single view or response just checking in on them and making sure that they’re okay.

I’m hurt because these were people that I would do anything for. I let them into my home, I fed them, I listened to them, took off work and stayed with them when they needed something. I didn’t do any of that expecting anything in return, but after everything I’ve been through with these people I would have at least expected a goodbye.

So now I’m here debating whether or not now is the time to walk away.

The Decade Known as 2020

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A few more hours to go before we ring in the new year with hesitation! 2020 was definite one for the books and I think we’re all relieved to be finally moving on to 2021. I look back on this year, and as confusing and painful and lifechanging as it was for me, a lot of good came out of it.

Like many others, I was laid off back in February. I was lucky enough to still live at home, but I had student loans and bills to pay. Nothing was certain and I felt lost. I was denied unemployment and . I then sat down and started to think about what work I could do from home and I ran to Indeed and Glassdoor to see who need a remote position to be filled or a virtual assistant to go through and organize their emails. The pickings were slim and the jobs that I qualified for were being filled before the job listings were even put up.

Around March I received an email from Udemy saying that all courses were 90% off. I ignored it. For about a week and sat and waited for the day that I would get the call to come back to work. The call never came and I needed to come up with something to occupy my time so I didn’t go absolutely insane while being stuck at home. So what did I do? I started a podcast, though I had no audio editing skills… so I ended up finding the email from Udemy and started looking through page after page of audio editing. From their, audio editing courses turned into video editing and then I found a twitch streaming course. I bought 5 courses that day and decided I was going to podcast and stream and enjoy my time.

For about 4 months, I studied these courses and took notes like a star student. In May, I started the podcast and on June 29 was when I went live for the first time on Twitch. On July 17, I made affiliate and I just celebrated 6 months of streaming 2 days ago. I’ve people who I would have never crossed paths with and got to experience some amazing things. I learned how to handle assholes in my chat and gained the ability to laugh at myself and think on my feet. Most importantly, though, I found my calling. I made a streaming family, and we’re broken and fucked up, but loving and driven. I don’t want to go back to a 9-5 job where everything I do goes unnoticed and nothing ever makes an impact. I like being my own boss and waking up getting to do something that I love. No one is taking that away from me.

2020 was a shitshow, but I made something of myself this year and I want to celebrate that as we close this chapter. All of you share your love and support daily, and without any of you I wouldn’t be able to do this and I want to celebrate that, as well. Yes, 2020 will never be forgotten but if this year didn’t play out the way it did, none of this would have happened and for that I am beyond grateful.

In 2021, a lot is going to be changing for Rooplixoo and myself. January is going to be hectic getting everything finalized, but it’s going to be great! We have tons of projects to work on and holidays to celebrate. I say this a lot to people in my life, but I don’t think I’ve said this on here, so… you’re stuck with me. I have nothing but time to do this so that’s what I’m going to do.

Here’s to 2021 and to us. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful, kickass New Year. See you all next year!

The Early Hours of a Sleepless Mind

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re all doing well! This isn’t going to be a normal post, as I have so many things I want to say, so this is just going to be a bunch of rambling and haphazardly pieced together thoughts… actually, this will be a normal post.

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve been happy and scared. I’ve made so many new friends; they’re so wonderful and I’m grateful to have them in my life. On the other end, I have people in my life that either no longer trust or that make it so I feel powerless in any situation that they’re involved in. I am strong, but I can’t help but fall back into my old habits and shut down.

The best part is that while all this is happening, my mind is muddied by a boy and I’m pretty sure I’ve driven my friends up a wall with how much I talk about it. I should just resort to writing his name in my school notebook and playing MASH at sleepovers. Even as I write this, my brain is an office whose filing cabinets just exploded everywhere and the power’s out.

Now that it’s 4:30AM and I have Steam Powered Giraffe blasting in my ears, I think I should remove my hands from the keyboard and go to bed.

I hope most of you are sleeping well, and the rest got enough sleep for a good day. I will be posting the podcast later today, so stay tuned for that!

❤