It’s Starting!

Today marks the day that I start my CLI project for school. I never thought I would get to this point, but I am very excited to finally be here. I created a page, which will act like a diary of how I’m doing on the project, as well as my thoughts throughout the process.

I have finally gained enough control over my emotions that I’m using them to work for me instead of against me, and doing that was a major feat in itself and I’m beyond proud of it!

On top of this project, I will be getting back into blogging more regularly and I will be starting up my game streams again, so I will be extremely busy and productive!

A bit more of good news… I got a job! I will be starting on the 30th as a barista at the local coffee shop.

I am very happy with how my life is going right now, and I’m happy for staying put and getting to this point in my life. No, this isn’t where I imagined I would be when I was daydreaming about my life when I was in middle school, but I’m proud of the person I’ve become. I’m driven and smart, and I have so much that I want to do.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day/night, and I will see you all tomorrow!

For Myself

Yesterday was a rough one, but I did realize a lot (on my own and with the help of others). I can’t say much without breaching my contract at work, but I will say that what transpired was, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. I have calmed down since the incident and here is what I’ve taken away from the whole thing:

  • I am not a bad person.
  • I am a wonderful employee and go above and beyond what is expected of me.
  • “You’re too beautiful to cry, and too good for this place.” — Wonderful Customer.

Most importantly, I’m not putting my future in jeopardy for a temporary job. I love my job and I take pride in everything I do and accomplish, but I have such a bad taste in my mouth now that I need to get back on the track of doing right by me.

Now that my mind is clear and I feel like I can breathe, I have one main goal in mind: finish school by my birthday (July 23). I am currently completing 50 lessons a week. I have 472 lessons left, which is about 10 weeks of work if I keep going at this pace. I know some of the labs I have to complete will take longer than that, but I have a little over 4 months before my deadline and I really think I can do this if I can avoid many issues and distractions.

I am proud of myself. I am smart, funny, and care a lot about those around me, but it’s time for me to put all of that energy towards myself and my goals.

I love you all. Here’s to the dark days ahead, and the many bright ones to come.

An Interesting Day

Today was one of those days that I always feared… I was left alone with a child. Now, I’ve watched kids before and I adore children. Today was the first time that my mom wasn’t up the street.

The child in question is my boyfriend’s youngest. He is adorable and clever. He’s 3 years old and he’s good at it. I’ve watched him before along with his older brother, but I was worried that since I was going to be the only one there that he would be scared because the only thing that was truly familiar was the environment. Obviously, I’ve spent time with these boys and I’ve gotten to know them, but this was the first time it was just me and the little one.

We started off with a pizza party for two and watched Chiro, a children’s show about these chickens and their adventures. He watched it on and off but then quickly became bored with it.

We then moved onto nap time, which was awesome! Once he fell asleep, I dozed off for about 15-20 minutes before I heard this tiny voice shout, “Paige wake up!” So, I got up. Chiro was still playing and he went back to eating his pizza.

He then got a bit cranky and started throwing legos around. I tried telling him to stop, which didn’t work, so I did what and sensible person would do and put Barney on.

Now, I was raised on Barney so I looked up one of the tapes I used to watch and the minute the theme started playing, he sat down and stared at the screen. I was in shock. After I got home I told my mom about it and she said I used to do the same thing.

We were dancing and giggling for the hour it was on. It was probably the greatest thing I’ve ever gotten to do. It was so simple and it was fucking awesome.

Once it was over, I found a video compilation of a bunch of songs and we continued to dance, and even sing along. In this moment, I felt like I was on top of the world! It was awesome!

I was so scared that I would fuck up, or that the day would be full of crying (mostly on my part), but it was nice. I watched him as a favor, but I am so grateful that I got to spend the day with a really cool little kid!

A New Year?

It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.

Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.

I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.

I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.

Dreaming

To say I had a rough night emotionally is an understatement… Between the gloomy weather and everything that’s happening, my paranoia is peaking, and I’m doing my best to cope with it and stand on my own two feet to face it all. 

Do to the stress, I had a very strange dream. I was in my room, and there was pillow stuffing everywhere. I turned around and my teddy bear, the one I’ve had my entire life, was completely destroyed. I ended up having a mental breakdown and throwing everything I owned out the window. When I woke up, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Yes, I’m 23, but I love my bear. He has been with me through it all. Every move, every heartbreak, everything. It’s one of the few things that I have that bring me comfort and there’s nothing that could get me to get rid of him.

I feel like there’s a lump in the bottom of my throat, and my chest is tightening. I force myself to eat through my nausea and all I want is a hug and to be told that everything will be okay. 

I need everything to be okay.

A Lesson

The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.

I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.

There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.

I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.

Trusting

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I don’t know who to trust, but this time I’m handling it differently. I’m hurt, yes, and I do feel abandoned but I’m not stopping myself from saying what I need to say. In fact, it’s making me talk more.

I’ve learned that everyone talks, no matter how good of a person they might be. The thing is, I don’t want anyone else telling my story until I’ve had a change to tell it myself, no matter how short the story is. I am trying to be as transparent about who I am and what I go through, even if I get judged mercilessly. At least if I’m the one telling my story, I am being judged for what actually happened and not some twisted version of it.

I don’t care if anyone likes me. There’s plenty of people out there that don’t like and many more that hate me. To be honest, I’m not too fond of myself but I’m starting to grow on me. I don’t need people to like me, but I would prefer them to dislike me for the truth than like me for a lie.

Smoke and Mirrors

The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..

I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.

Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.

I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.

I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.

See you later.

Tough People

In life, we won’t always encounter people who are the nicest. Sometimes, we will encounter people who are assholes that have nothing better to do than be mean. My life is a 60/40 split (60% assholes, 40% non-assholes). The 40% in my life make it so I can deal with the 60%.

Sometimes, difficult people are just people who we don’t mesh with for one reason or another; it’s not a bad thing, it just is. There are those, however, who are knowingly targeting ones around them merely for the fact that they don’t like them. This is a problem.

One thing I’ve always struggled with is when I’m in a position where I have to deal with these people. I always had the option to walk away from those I didn’t get along with, but when I can’t do that, I feel defeated. I have learned to cope with the fact that not everyone will like me, but I don’t understand why some people feel the need to constantly poke me.

I deal with it, though. I’ve learned to take what they say and do with a grain of salt, and to space out when I can. I start thinking about the people who help me and appreciate me for who I am. I think about how amazing I am and that I should be proud of myself.

 

Reality

This weekend, as well as today, gave me a dose of reality. In two months and a handful of days, I will be 23. Before I go any further, I will say right now that getting older isn’t what’s really bothering me, I actually don’t really mind growing up.

Back to the point, I’m turning 23 soon and I am realizing that I’m not taking advantage of being young. I am constantly stressed, to the point that my hair is turning grey and is starting to fall out. Many people have told me that my 20s won’t be all fun and games, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m going to take a couple of days to get myself organized… again. I will be getting all my bills in order, and restarting my rewards chart now that my mind is a bit more clear. I’m also going to do fun things, like making videos and planning trips. I know I will struggle, that’s just life, but I want to enjoy some parts of it before I get too old to enjoy anything.

I need change, and I’m the only one that can do it.