Category: Life

…And Melancholy is the Nurse of Frenzy

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Hello my friends. I hope everyone has gotten through the first week of December, and is spending the weekend as they wish. I unfortunately am in a fair bit of pain, so I’m resting and now writing because my mind is never at ease.

On top of the physical pain, my anxiety and depression decided to kick into overdrive. Last night, I was reminded (by myself) that I still had a dating profile up, so I did what anyone with a deadly curiosity would do and I started looking through those who swiped right on me. I forgot the insane the demands were listed on these profiles. Then I started thinking, though, maybe I’m the insane one. I mean, I’d sooner move to another country before I altered my appearance, and I would certainly not stay home and raise some fictitious family while I get dinner ready.

I guess my list would be a guy who I can joke with but also be able to hold a conversation with. Someone who wants to go on adventures, whether they be late night walks or in some game. One who understands that both of our projects and endeavors are equally important. As well, it would be nice to have someone to people watch with and create stories about who they are. Giggling all hours of the night and naps. With that being said, I guess my ideal partner would be a friend.

I’m a hopeless romantic with a twisted sense of humor. I’m awkward and terrible at exclaiming my thoughts and feelings. I will sooner tell someone that I like their face and want to smash it with mine, than just come out and say that I like them. I will use absolutely awful jokes, pickup lines, and fun facts. I’ve linked pinkies with people because I want to hold their hand but I’m too shy to do so and I don’t want them to feel obligated to hold mine.

I am fine being single, but I miss having talks about nothing and sharing stupid videos and songs with someone. I have wonderful people in my life that I am grateful for and would do anything for them, but I guess I’ve turned into a Hallmark movie where the holidays make you feel lonely and come New Years Eve, the magical script writer throws in a happily ever after and the credits roll. I don’t want a happily ever after, not yet anyway, I just don’t want to be alone.

Now that I’ve gotten that written down, I guess I go back to listening to music and playing Minecraft while breathing through the pain. I love you all so much. The podcast will be back on the 8th, so I will talk to you guys then!

Stay well!

New Friends and Old Habits

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Happy Sunday everyone! I hope you guys had a wonderful week, and for those of you state side, a happy Thanksgiving! We are in the 11th hour of 2020, and I’m sure we’re all relieved to have made it to this point and excited to see what 2021 brings us! So let’s just dive into what’s been happening on my end and what you guys can expect moving forward!

In my last post, I mentioned that I had a crush on someone and was finally able to close a chapter that I thought would never end. I’m terrible at reading situations and people, but I’m just going to let it run its course and whether or not something happens, everything will be fine!

Next on the agenda, I have made a few new friends! They are crazy and extremely blunt, and I am honestly happy to have met them and can’t wait to see what insanity ensues. Before this year, I really hadn’t added anyone to my circle since college, so having new stories to hear and old stories to share has been overwhelming and wonderful. With that being said, I’m hoping that a few of them might show their faces (or their voices) on December 1st.

What is December 1st, you might ask? Well, it’s the 3rd birthday of Rooplixoo! Back in 2017, I wanted to start a blog about getting my shit together and being the person I wanted to be. We are now 3 years in, and I am doing pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do, and I’m happy.

Enough about me, though. Let’s get into what you guys will be getting! On December 1st at 3PM EST, I will be doing a 12-hour stream over on twitch to celebrate 3 years of this ever-growing project. On December 8th, the podcast will be returning! I am super excited to be able to do this again and to have new people on the show! Next on December 29th, we will be celebrating 6 months of streaming! Finally, on December 31st, I will be smoking my last cigarette. I have been smoking since I was 19 and I’m sick of it.

This year has definitely one for the books, but a lot of good has come out of it. Here’s to the last month of the year! We fucking made it!

A Turn of Events

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Good morning everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful week. My sleep schedule has been finicky as of late, but I believe it to be due to some very interesting events over the past week, and what better way to process it all than to write it on a public platform for all to see! Also, I see we have a few new faces, and I would like to welcome you to Rooplixoo!

I used this year to build and reflect, as well as come to terms with certain chapters from my past. One chapter I struggled to finish was one of an old flame. Two years ago, I walked away from what I thought was my whole world. Since then, I haven’t really felt much for the gentlemen callers who would try and charm me. I thought I was bound to be alone because I couldn’t feel what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t feel butterflies or had a crush. I now realize how ridiculous that sounds.

Recently, I got a weird twinge in my whole body that can only be diagnosed as girl brain. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience – just floating along and enjoying life. I honestly feel like I’m back in school, looking across the room and daydreaming, only to be snapped back to reality when the bell rings. What I’m trying to say is that my eye has been caught, and I’m extremely happy because I now know that I’m capable of feeling something.

Do I know if anything will come from this? No, but that’s okay. Whether something happens or not, I’m just happy that I have finally moved on (and between me and all of you, he’s not an asshole, so I also broke that cycle)! My heart has been freed to beat strong and proud once again, and nothing compares to how I feel right now. I will say this, because I always feel the need to clarify, I am not in love, just a small crush that I’m leaning into because it’s been a while since I’ve been able to enjoy this feeling.

Last night, I listened to “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat for the first time in a while, and I was able to do so without feeling anything ill. I will always love him and think of him fondly, but I am finally able to wake up and be okay. Hands will still be weird, and that’s probably my b, but it will all be okay. My tomorrow finally came!

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and keep pushing through the shit! I love you all, and will see you soon!

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

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Wow, who would have thought that I would put a Shakespeare quote on my blog, never mind put it in a title. The quote will make sense in a moment, but first.. Hello everyone, it’s me. How are you? I wish I could say I’m doing well and that everything is grand, but the truth is that 2020 has been a shitshow for everyone and it just keeps going.

In my last post, I was talking about a lot of the plans I had for Rooplixoo. I’m still going through with all of those, and nothing will hold me or this whole thing back. There have been a lot of hiccups along the way, especially over the past couple of weeks and I’m taking some time to process everything that has happened, but we will overcome whatever heads in our direction.

I think everyone here realizes that in terms of fight or flight, I walk the fine line between the two and veer off into fight every once in a while. Honestly, I am so tired of fighting but it’s better than lying down and giving up. As for the title, I’m tired of not speaking up as much as I should. This lady is going to protest as much as she damn well pleases. I am a basket case on a mission, armed with knowledge and the will to keep going.

I can say for a fact that I have killed off a lot of my braincells trying to get a point across to mind-numbingly dense people, but I keep going in hopes that I might be heard or at least make someone think.

Now to bring this post home – I am going to protest to my heart’s content; my parents raised a fool, not a bitch. I am a good person. I know a lot more than I lead on. I am my own person. I will not be blamed for situations that I was not aware of. I am strong and capable, and will rise from the ashes of my past. I am me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I love you all. I’m not okay right now; I’ve gone through the motions of losing and starting over, but I will be okay. You have all given me the power to find the strength within myself to keep going. It’s not always easy. I’m a magnet for bullshit (I swear it’s hereditary), but I’m not going to sit here and be scared or ashamed of being myself… not anymore.

Dear Whoever You Are

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Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.

Confused and Lost

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So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.

I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.

I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.

I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.

I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.

I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.

Absolutely No Time

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I’m trying here, I really am. I just checked my punch card and it says I have a little over 97 hours for the pay period. I know, who complains about overtime? It’s only 17 hours, but I barely have time to breathe. This is being an adult: working, no social life, no down time, no nothing. I have no problem putting in extra work, or going above and beyond, but I’m sacrificing a lot and I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

I need a job, there’s no question about that. I just feel like I’m so far off from where I wanted to be in life and I don’t know how to even get back to where I need to be. I want to get back into this. I had so many plans for Rooplixoo – blog, streaming, videos, podcast, business – and I still do, but finding the time to do it is beyond difficult. I need this outlet, I need you guys, I need all of this.

I remember how happy I was when I got my first subscriber after my mom, and I was so taken away by the fact that my work was powerful enough to get someone to want to see more. I didn’t do this to become famous or popular, I did this for me. I have always been an outcast, and I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m not going to do anything hasty and quit my job to blog full-time, but I need to figure out a way to get my life to a point that I’m happy with it.

I still love you guys, and forever will.

Stay strong kids ♥

An Open Book

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Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.

New Year, New Me?

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Yes, it’s the 12th of January and I’m just now making my New Year’s post. The end of 2019 and the first couple of weeks of 2020 have been very interesting, to say the least.

I got a new job at the beginning of December, and a long with that started the next chapter of my life. I am the night auditor at a hotel. It’s not the most exciting, but it gives me the opportunity to do my school work and actually be in a work environment that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out. I even have the time to write, which is what I’m doing right now.

The beginning of 2020 was mediocre at best, but I have no complaints. I did get to thinking, though, about what I truly want for myself and the next year of my life. One of the things that bothers me constantly is that I am alone. I have friends, but I never really feel like I fit in and I become drained as of late just thinking about going out… but I still try to stay in touch. With that being said, I’m not going to be the only one reaching out anymore. I can’t keep doing it. So, if anyone wants to get in touch with me, you can send me a message and I’ll get back to you when it’s convenient for me. I’m not mad or angry about it, but I just think it’s kind of ridiculous to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Something else that I want to be able to do is travel this year, so I need to get my license, passport and a map. I’m not spending another year going between work and home, with the occasional pit stop at a bar. For me, it’s extremely disappointing. I’ve been in this godawful place for too long and I need to get out.

I need to just be myself and live my life. At this point, no one seems to give a shit if they piss me off, use me, treat me like shit or flat out lie to my face, so I don’t give a shit if they need a shoulder to cry. Until it’s a two-way road, I’m not giving anything else. So, for me, it’s not “new year, new me”– it’s “new year, true me”.

How to Feel

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Hey, it’s been a while? How are you doing? How’s life? Me? Well, I’m okay, just a bit lost…

Last month, I got to meet my best friend. You know who he is. He helped me realize that I am a good person, and that what I went through isn’t my fault. How I handled it was bad, but I’m not a bad person.

A couple weeks ago, I ended up losing someone from my life that meant a great deal to me. This person was the first person I opened up to and also the first person I regret pushing out of my life. I know I hurt you, and it’s the biggest regret I have. I miss you, and I still care about you. You and I mirrored each other in humor and attitude. I don’t remember one call that we had that we didn’t laugh, even the last one had a couple of giggles… But as much as I hurt you, you hurt me. We both made promises that we didn’t keep, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry.

I cried for days after the night we said “I love you”, but not because I was happy… I was happy, but it’s what was said after that stung. I still loved you and would do anything for you. You were my best friend, and I still care. I was always loyal, up until you changed your relationship on Facebook. I was happy for you… That’s a lie, but I was happy you were happy. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I miss you, and I hate that I can’t say “Hi” anymore. The letter wasn’t meant to push you away or to hurt you, but it did and that’s my b. There’s a lot you and I have to talk about, and when you’re ready, you know how to reach me. I can’t promise it will be comfortable or even tolerable, but I need you to know what happened.

I know you will probably never see this, but if you do, I’m trying to be okay but it’s hard.

I’m trying my best right now, because we still walk under the same sun.