Tag: motivated

The Honest Truth

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Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

We’re So Close!

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Hey guys! Figured I would drop by and see how everyone is doing! I know I haven’t been writing a lot lately, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been very busy with the podcast and streaming! Both are going very well and that’s all thanks to you guys!

I have done 7 streams so far on Twitch, and have managed to get 39 followers, which is absolutely amazing! In the picture above shows everything I need to make affiliate and I am happy to share that I only need 11 more followers until I reach my goal of making affiliate! I also have a side quest of getting 100 followers on Twitch by July 23, 2020, which is in 8 days!

I am so excited about this journey, and I finally feel like I found my place in this crazy world. I want to thank you guys so much for supporting and standing by me through this, and I’m not just talking about the recent additions to this project. For those of you who have following me since 2018 on this blog, thank you for giving me the confidence to keep going and showing me I have a voice. It’s not always easy to keep pushing and overcoming, but all of you made it worth it.

If you guys do want to check out my stream, you can find me Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at https://twitch.tv/rooplixoo! I’m still working on setting a solid schedule for those days, so just bare with me; those of you who know me know I struggle keeping a schedule with my ADHD and life. I mainly stream Minecraft, but I do a bunch of goofy things and generally have a good time. I will either make a page on here with links to everything, or I’ll just add it to the About page (I haven’t decided yet).

Another announcement I have is that I am in the middle of re-branding, so you will be seeing changes across all of my platforms in the coming weeks, so I hope you guys enjoy the new look! I’m excited to see how everything turns out!

Well, that’s it for now! Once again, I love you all and thank you so much! Have a good day/night/time of existence, and I will talk to you guys on Thursday!

New Year, New Me?

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Yes, it’s the 12th of January and I’m just now making my New Year’s post. The end of 2019 and the first couple of weeks of 2020 have been very interesting, to say the least.

I got a new job at the beginning of December, and a long with that started the next chapter of my life. I am the night auditor at a hotel. It’s not the most exciting, but it gives me the opportunity to do my school work and actually be in a work environment that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out. I even have the time to write, which is what I’m doing right now.

The beginning of 2020 was mediocre at best, but I have no complaints. I did get to thinking, though, about what I truly want for myself and the next year of my life. One of the things that bothers me constantly is that I am alone. I have friends, but I never really feel like I fit in and I become drained as of late just thinking about going out… but I still try to stay in touch. With that being said, I’m not going to be the only one reaching out anymore. I can’t keep doing it. So, if anyone wants to get in touch with me, you can send me a message and I’ll get back to you when it’s convenient for me. I’m not mad or angry about it, but I just think it’s kind of ridiculous to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Something else that I want to be able to do is travel this year, so I need to get my license, passport and a map. I’m not spending another year going between work and home, with the occasional pit stop at a bar. For me, it’s extremely disappointing. I’ve been in this godawful place for too long and I need to get out.

I need to just be myself and live my life. At this point, no one seems to give a shit if they piss me off, use me, treat me like shit or flat out lie to my face, so I don’t give a shit if they need a shoulder to cry. Until it’s a two-way road, I’m not giving anything else. So, for me, it’s not “new year, new me”– it’s “new year, true me”.

Adding to the List

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Now that the holidays are said and done, I’m starting to feel a bit better. I’m not 100%, but I feel slightly lighter. With that being said, I have focused some of my energy on an old project of mine: starting a business.

I know, I know… I start new projects all the time and then forget about them until I rediscover them. I have a good feeling about this though. I won’t go into too much detail about the business just yet, but I will tell the story of it.

Two years ago, I dropped out of college because of my wonderful mental problems and I was trying to find something to do with my time. I starting making things and realized that I could do something with it. I worked out a budget and found everything I would need to start this journey… but then I ran out of money and I gave up on the whole thing.

About a week ago, I found my old notebook that I wrote everything down in and the drive to do it came back. I have the entire product line sorted out, and I even have the business plan underway, all I have to do is pick 1 or 2 products to start with and grow from there. No one built an empire overnight, so I need to stop trying to. If I start small, I will be able to stay on track with everything else.

Another Year

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Well, I just got the e-mail that Rooplixoo has been renewed for another year! I’ve come a long way since I started this blog, but I didn’t end up where I thought I would by this time. I had all these ideas and dreams of what I would be doing now in life and how I would feel. Even though a lot has changed, I’m still the same person I was.

I have grown and learned a few more lessons along the way, but I’m still me. I still do crazy shit with my hair and space out for hours at a time. I can’t fix my sleep schedule for the life of me and I hoard candy in my room. The one thing that I’m still happy that I have, though, is this need to take on anything and everything. As stressed and angry as I get, I still want to conquer what’s thrown my way.

It’s been close to a year since I made my first blog post and, no, I don’t have as many posts on here as I would have liked and I haven’t made a single video, but I’m happy with it and that’s all that matters.

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to do what you want to do, as long as you’re still trying to do it. I will keep pushing forward and even if I slow down, I won’t stop.

I love you all, and thank you so much for the support!

A Fresh Start

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I was worried for a while that I would never be able to work full-time. Between my physical and emotional problems, I didn’t have the drive or motivation to do really anything. Things are different now, though. I’m not depressed as much, and I feel driven to work and get an education. I feel like I can make it.

I have been faced with a lot of pain and misfortune in my life, and I held onto all of that pain for so long that I didn’t have room for anything good to happen. Once I started to let go of it a little bit at a time, things started to look brighter and I knew I was heading in the right direction.

I have goals and dreams now that are beyond waking up and getting through the day. I get up every morning excited to work and do my schoolwork. Knowing that I was able to make it through my past and get to this point has shown me that I can literally do anything.

9 to 5 (or something like that)

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Yesterday, I got a call and now I can finally talk about it. I put in an application to be a shift manager at McDonald’s and about an hour later I got a call to set up an interview for 9 AM today.

Between yesterday and this morning, I went from being excited to nervous to being frantic, and those emotions went in a constant loop until I got there and sat down. I won’t go into too much detail, but the interview went perfectly and I start orientation on Sunday!

I am still extremely nervous and excited, and this will open up so many opportunities for me. I feel like everything is moving in the right direction, and nothing will stop me!

I hope everyone has a great weekend, and a wonderful holiday!

Back to the Basics

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Well, it’s done… sort of. I dyed my hair brown. The color didn’t take fully, though, as certain parts are still blue and a majority of my hair now looks teal in certain light. Once it dries, I will take another picture before I start the second round of dyeing.

I haven’t had brown hair in a while. It’s my natural hair color, but I prefer blues, reds and purples. I like this shade, though. I think once it’s not brown with a teal undertone, it’ll look nice. I actually don’t mind the green color, I want to hate it but I don’t.

I have a busy day tomorrow, so I will be trying to get to sleep at a normal hour so I can wake up and get everything done!

Goodnight everyone!

Another Night

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Tonight through the rest of the weekend, I will be spending doing work. I want to get a majority of my work out of the way so I can focus on school and getting my creativity back. To do the things I want to do, I must do the things I have to do first.

I did manage to take a nap today, so I will be able to stay up pretty late tonight. I’ve worked hours on end before, I just need the energy for it, which I have right now so I want to take advantage of it. I will give myself until 11 PM and then I will just start working.

Wish me luck!