Tag: feelings

A Turning Point

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Hello again, I hope life’s treating you well. I’m sorry I never stick to a schedule and that I don’t post updates as to what’s going on. Time has this bad habit of slipping away from me. This post is kind of an update, and kind of a vent. The vent will come first, the update later.

The past year has shown me how much I can handle and, with that knowledge, the ability to see what I’m willing to handle and what I want nothing to do with. There is a long road behind me, and an even longer one ahead of me. I’ve been told what to say, who I can talk to, asked to reveal my thoughts just to be put down, told what games I could play. I’ve been asked how I was doing as a way to unlock the door so the other person could kick the door wide open and drown me in their thoughts, completely disregarding my mindset. I’ve been analyzed like I’m under a microscope like someone’s sick experiment, and blamed for things I have no control over just so they can feel better. They take the liberty of sharing my story or what they consider to be my truth.

Honestly, fuck all of it.

I am so tired of being a passion project, guinea pig, punching bag, or whatever role fits their needs at the moment. I know, I should be better at setting boundaries. I’m getting better at it but it’s not easy. I’m not saying that I won’t be their for others, I just refuse to be used anymore. There are people in my life who honestly shouldn’t be because all they do is beat me down and hurt me. It might have taken me a while, but I’ve been through hell and back and I will no longer allow anyone like this on the path I blaze. I understand that we all go through a lot, but why am I seen as less?

With all of that being said, I will be okay. I know I will be okay. I am still standing tall and trying my best every single day. I just know now that I will not being going into my 27th year on this planet with the baggage I carry.

Sorry for the heavy stuff, but I needed to vent and this blog is called “The Change”… moving on to something happy, I have gotten my creative spark back, and I’ve started to see myself for who I am. I’m not 100% (no one ever is), but I’m getting there. I’ve had a lot on my mind, a lot of stressful things but a lot of amazing things, too.

I’ve missed you all so much, and I want to thank you all for sticking by me through the years. I don’t know where life is going to take any of us, but I know it will be filled with achievements and memories.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and continue to kick ass! I love you all ♥

(It’s not) Just Another Day

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Good morning/afternoon/evening/time of existence everyone, I truly hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry for not posting anything last week, I just needed some time to step back and really focus on myself. I will say this, this post has to do with my pregnancy and how I’m feeling (it won’t be graphic, but just a warning).

Today was my due date; I know that due dates are just an estimate but this is the only day that I have to go off of. The whole thing feels so surreal, like everything was a really weird dream or someone else’s memory, but then it sinks in that it’s mine.

I didn’t know how I was going to be today. With each day that passed, my mind wandered and started thinking about how I would feel and what I would look like. I thought about the names I picked out… what it would be like to hold you.

What I am going to focus on, though, is that I did get to hold you. I held you for a little over 11 weeks, and I love and cherish the time I had with you. I don’t want to give you a name, because no name could truly capture how special and wonderful you were. Just know that you will always hold a place in my heart and that you were and always will be loved.

I know you are okay now, and I know I will be, too.

Up All Night and Slept All Day

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Good… time of existence everyone! I hope you’re all doing well! Guess who made the choice to stay up until 4:30AM and only woke up an hour ago… it was me! I’ve had too much energy at night recently and I don’t know why.

Last night was great, I got to learn how to play Risk and hang out with some of my favorite people, and after I got to spend the rest of my night with my fiancé! I haven’t had an eventful Saturday like that in a very long time, and I loved every second of it.

Now that it’s almost 5PM, I’m starting to realize that I can’t stay up all night, sleep for a couple hours and then be ready to go into the next day anymore. A couple of years ago, I would go for days with only getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Even a couple of months ago I was able to. I don’t know if I’m hitting a wall or if my mental state is having this big of an impact, or if it’s as simple as I’m getting older and my body requires more rest. I guess only time will tell!

I do hope you all had a fantastic weekend and have a wonderful week! I will be going live on twitch on Tuesday, Feb 8 at 3PM EST (though we might start a bit earlier) with two new wonderful games! I hope to see you all there!

Keep kicking ass! ♥

The Podcast is Back!

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Jan 30, 2022 – How We Got Here w/ Syrup_Boi29

Good morning/afternoon/evening/time of existence! We’re back and ready to attack… well, talk! It’s been a long time coming, but it’s finally back!

In this episode, I was joined by my dear friend, Syrup_Boi29, and we got to share our content creating journeys with all of you! We talked a bit about what got us into streaming, what we do behind the scenes, and how we get through the rough patches and algorithms by having fun and being true to ourselves!

On top of here, you can find this episode over on Spotify, Twitch, and YouTube! If you lovelies have any questions/comments, or have ideas of what we should talk about next, comment down below!

Thank you all for tuning in and continuing to love and support this journey, and I will see all of you soon! Keep kicking ass! ♥

To All the Van Goghs

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well. I’m not going to have a long introduction today, just a few sentences before we jump in. Today, we are going to be talking about all of the creative and beautiful minds out there who might not see how bright they truly are.

When I was 14 years old, I started my first blog. My English teacher at the time inspired me to start writing, so the blog was used as a public file for my work. I mostly wrote poems, but tried my hand at monologues, too, and I was so proud of my writing and the little feedback I received that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. I finally felt like I had something to offer; I was the weird kid in school, and I was constantly bullied, but writing made me feel like I had a place. Sadly, that dream was cut short a year later at a new school with a new English teacher. She made it a point to tell me that my writing (creative and analytical) was subpar, and that I should look to do something more my speed. I stopped truly writing up until 4 years ago when I started this blog.

There are still times when I sit down to write, that I think back to what that English teacher said to me and I will stop writing. The amount of short stories and poems I ended up deleting or throwing out because I thought, “What’s the point?” and “Why bother?”. So many words left unwritten because someone made me feel like they weren’t worth writing. That’s not right. Everyone has a voice. Everyone has something to say and who are we to tell them to be quiet.

I started this blog 4 years ago and since then, I’ve also started a podcast and a stream. I have interacted with many with you, and the outpour of love and support is truly amazing, but the one thing that sticks out is how many of you have faced similar people who told you that you should give up on your dream or to just stop completely because you’re not good enough. Which brings me to the title of this post…

To all the Van Goghs out there: please keep creating. Keep brightening this world with your thoughts and ideas. Throw paint at a wall, draw squiggles all over your clothes, sing, dance, tell jokes, cook, bake, write, perform… just keep going. Don’t let the world go another day without you and your passions, because even if you think no one cares or appreciates your work, I do. Don’t let everyone miss out on your reality because one person told you to stop dreaming.

Quiet Room, Loud Thoughts

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In about 14 hours, I will be going live with my first 24-hour live stream and, unfortunately, I can’t sleep. Part of it is the excitement, but it’s mostly about my past and what brought me to this point. Everything is going great… my business is doing well, I’m in a loving relationship, my future finally isn’t so dull, but I keep looking back to who I was.

I was always the weird kid – I collected pencil tips, had a strong drive to learn and create, and just wanted to have friends. I used to dream about getting my driver’s license and having a wedding at an ice skating rink so I could skate down the aisle, and living in a mansion that had a zoo in the backyard. All of that died when I turned 11 and entered middle school (grades 6, 7, and 8). I missed the memo that Lisa Frank and playing on the swings wasn’t “cool” anymore. I became a target, and it fucking sucked. I’m not going to say I was innocent. I did my best to fight back and take a stance, but due to not being in the right clique, I stayed at the bottom of the food chain and stayed there until I graduated from high school.

There was a time where my mother had to pull me out of school for a week and teach me from home because the bullying and harassment got so bad. I think what hurt the most is that the kids that pushed me down everyday had the nerve to sit with me and cry when we were moving. I wonder if they remember the things they said, and the scars they left. I still get extremely uncomfortable if my ears show, and I cover my mouth when I laugh because of the gap in my teeth. Kids can be downright awful, and it kills me that it’s just getting worse.

I went to a handful of dances, but was never asked to one. I never slow danced with a guy until this year, and it only lasted for a moment. I wanted to dance to 16 Candles on my 16th birthday, but my boyfriend at the time refused. I stopped trying to make my childhood dreams come true after that, because I gave up on them and myself. I felt completely alone and looking back, outside of my family, I was.

Fast forward to now. It’s 2am, I’m 26 and I’m blasting Journey while I get ready for an event that I planned, with my boyfriend sleeping in a call with me. Looking back on everything that has happened, every painful and beautiful milestone, has gotten me to this point and I would do it all again if I had to, but I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would all be okay, and that we made it. It breaks my heart thinking about who I was and what I went through, and not so deep down, I’m still that same, awkward kid who just wants to learn and create, and have fun and do weird dances and to just love myself.

If somehow this blog is magic and can go back to me in 2006, I want me to know that it turns out alright, and to keep dreaming and making art on MS Paint. You’re beautiful and wonderful and a pain in the ass, but the ones you have in your life love you.

For those of you who still look back on your tween and teen years and your heart breaks for your younger self, just know that if you’re reading this, you’ve made it. You beat all odds and you can now stand tall and know that everything is okay. Being an adult sucks, but there’s not enough money in existence to get me to go back to middle/high school.

I love you all. Keep kicking ass. ♥

Spending Time ≠ Spending Money

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Yesterday, I was lucky enough to celebrate an anniversary with my best friend. Two years ago, I was in a really rough spot emotionally, and I was losing myself. He dropped everything and flew out here from the other side of the world to make sure I was okay. He was here for 2 weeks, and it was perfect. We were both so excited to finally meet in person after endless skype calls and Minecraft adventures, but we were not ready for what happened – we ended up falling for each other. It was powerful and scary and overwhelming, but so easy and beautiful. At that point, though, we weren’t in positions separately to be together. He went home, and we both went back to our lives. We kept in touch, but it changed. Neither of us knew how the other one felt, and we were too nervous to actually admit our feelings until this year. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

With all of that being said, let’s move our attention to the title of this post. Recently, I’ve seen a handful of people in my life talk about how much money was spent, or lack there of, and it’s been really getting to me. My relationship is in the “unique” position of being long distance, so we celebrated our anniversary over Discord. We watched videos and played games, and spent time together. Yes, we exchanged gifts, but they weren’t the focal point. The day was to celebrate our love for each other, and no amount of money or gifts could come close to how special love and time are. When we talk about our wedding, were going to elope and go to dinner. We dream of the days that we can make the bed together, and have picnics on the living room floor, and catch a glimpse of the ISS.

We went over all of our adventures when he was out here, and one of our favorites was when we went into the city and had to go coffee shop hopping because my phone kept dying. We were hopped up on caffeine and it was freezing out, but we people watched and talked and explored each other’s minds. It was honestly a perfect day, and I can’t wait to do it again. We took so many pictures and shared many more laughs, and that’s how the entire trip was. We laughed and explored and were just with each other – and whether or not we realized then that we were falling for each other, we know now and we look back on October 26, 2019 (26 Oct. 2019 for those who don’t use the mm/dd/yyyy) as the day that our hearts became one.

Our dates now are different due to the distance, but we still make it work. We eat together and watch movies on Netflix, and we play games and fall asleep in calls. Yes, we have bought things for each other because we love to give gifts and see the other one light up, but we never expect to get anything. All we want is each other, and that’s how it should be. I’ve been in so many relationships (romantic and platonic) where the others would expect to get gifts or to be paid for, which I don’t mind doing but it just seemed like the physical was more important than the emotional. I am aware that all of this fits into the different love languages, but the foundation of any relationship shouldn’t be it’s monetary value.

Well, that’s all I needed to say. This thought has been rattling around in my brain for a couple of weeks, but it really hit me yesterday and I needed to get it out and written down before I exploded. I hope you all have a wonderful day and are getting hyped for Halloween! I will see you all soon! Keep kicking ass ♥

MHM

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Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing well! I know it’s been a while, but I have about 4 or 5 drafts that will be posted over the next couple of weeks. I was supposed to stream today, but due to not feeling well, I decided to write about what I was going to talk about on stream.

For those of you who don’t know, MHM (Mental Health Monday) is a segment that I do where I talk about mental health. Topic range from how I cope with certain things in my day-to-day life to how I’ve grown from situations in my past and everything in between. Sometimes I bring others on and we talk about how we’ve managed to navigate life and relationships with the mental cocktails we’ve been given. If you are new to the blog, welcome and enjoy your stay! If you are coming here from the stream, pretend you just listened to ~30 minutes of me singing and playing ukulele! Let’s dive in!

Since I haven’t been feeling well, I figured I would talk about how I deal with being sick while battling my mind. It might not seem like it’s a battle or anything that big, but it’s something I struggle with every time I’m not feeling well physically. When I get sick, whether it’s just a headache or the flu, I get extremely depressed. The way to feel better is to rest and relax, but slowing down to relax gives me too much time to think which makes my anxiety spike, and resting/sleeping too much makes me extremely depressed. I also get the shakes sometimes, which just makes me self-conscious.

Being sick is never fun for anyone… accept for the kids who get away with it and get to stay home from school. Cartoons and games for hours with not a single teacher in sight! It’s what I attempt to recreate. I spend the day in my pajamas, camp out somewhere that isn’t my bed, binge murder documentaries and play games on my phone. I’m still resting, but I’m distracted enough that I won’t fall down a rabbit hole. There are times that this doesn’t work, though, and that’s kind of what I’m dealing with right now.

This weekend was wonderful. It started with getting Vanish (my dad’s cat) to watch for a week, and then I spent the entire weekend with my absolutely wonderful boyfriend (a post about him will be coming out soon). We went out to dinner with my mother Sunday night and it was great. Unfortunately, I got sick on Thursday (food poisoning) so getting through the weekend was difficult. I still ate well, but I was constantly worried that anything I ate would make me feel worse. Thankfully that didn’t happen, but I still felt lousy. I also slept a lot, which isn’t new to me but because I was sleeping to feel better, I got kind of depressed. I was able to navigate my weekend a bit better because I was surrounded by love and laughter the entire time, but it was still an uphill battle with my mind. Even sitting here writing this… I wanted to stream today but didn’t feel well enough to do so, so I decided to write instead. I wanted to get this post out sooner, but now it’s approaching midnight and I’m still typing. I know I’m doing my best and the people who matter know this, too, but I still feel kind of shitty about it.

The one thing that is helping me through this, though, is the fact that I won’t feel like this forever. Will I feel like this again? Most definitely, but hopefully not for a while after this time. I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and survived, this is just another small bump in the road.

I know this isn’t the typical MHM, but I think it turned out pretty well! My question for all of you is: What makes you feel better when you’re sick? What comfort foods do you eat when you’re under the weather? What movies do you watch when you’re not feeling well?

I hope you all have a wonderful morning/afternoon/night, and I will be back up and running on Thursday (March 18, 2021) at 3PM EST on twitch! If you need a place to hang out, you can find me there or on discord! You are all so wonderful and I love you all!

Stay well, and I’ll see you soon!

Party Time!

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Hello my lovelies! I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe! Just wanted to post a quick announcement!

As of yesterday, we passed the 1/4 mark for my 2021 follow goal (1,000 followers) on twitch! I am over the moon about this and I can’t thank all of you enough. I never thought I would be at this point, I always had the lingering thought of, “This is just a pipedream,” and that it wouldn’t last long… but all of you have shown me that this is real and it’s alive and well!

Thank you all so much for keeping my dream alive, and for showing me that I do have something to offer this world. Dealing with depression and anxiety (and all that other good stuff), it makes it hard to see clearly, but all of this makes it so much better. Even if this doesn’t last forever, I can honestly say that this has changed my entire outlook on life.

If you would like to stop by and join the party, head on over to my channel on twitch at 3PM EST on February 3. You are also more than welcome to join my discord and chat with our family!

I love you all so much, and thank you for all of the love and support!

Acceptance

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Hello lovelies, I hope everyone is doing well! Since 2021 started, I’ve made it a point to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper because it’s not healthy to keep things bottled up. I know that speaking your mind isn’t the most popular thing, especially when it comes to certain topics, but sometimes it needs to be said. Today, I’m going to be talking about kinks and kink shaming.

Recently, a handful of people that I know decided to take the BDSM Quiz. For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s a series of questions that you answer on a scale from not likely at all to most likely about sexual fantasies/desires, and it gives you percentages for dominants/submissive rolls depending on your answers (dominant: ~%, submissive: ~%, switch: ~%, vanilla: ~%, etc.). After taking the quiz, they all shared their results.

Everything should have been good, right? Nope.

After the results were shared, a few of the people decided to start really ripping into certain kinks to the point of judging and discriminating against those with these desires, when they themselves have fantasies and preferences that can be seen as taboo. This really got under my skin, as well as others in the chat, because we all came together due to being misfits and outcasts. We faced judgement and hate and bullying and just bullshit, and now they’re doing the same thing. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Am I completely innocent in all of this? No, of course not. I stuck my nose up to a few kinks over the years, but I never went out of my way to make the person feel bad about what they liked or shamed them. I will not condone anything illegal or hate-related but outside of that, to each their own, whatever floats your boat!

When reading through all of this, I felt like I was back in high school trying to make a secret playlist of all the music I actually liked because it wasn’t “cool” to listen to the music or enjoy the bands that I did and still do.

I know we’re all humans, and we’re judgmental as fuck, but I just didn’t think they would sink to this level. Due to all of this, I don’t feel comfortable talking in that chat. We all have weird things about us, why not just love each other for who we are instead of hating one another for the smallest of things?

Sorry for another rant, I really am, but this is really getting to me. It’s not right and I couldn’t just sit here and have these thoughts rattle around my brain for much longer.

I love you all! Please stay safe, love yourself, love each other, and just be the most amazing you! ♥