Dear Whoever You Are

Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.

The Honest Truth

Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

It Needs to be Said

I was having a good week until my thoughts crept back. Unfortunately, these thoughts actually made me realize a lot. I’m hurt and sad and tired, and I don’t even know where to begin.

I came to terms with the fact along time ago that you can’t please everyone, and not everyone will like you. I also understand that not everyone will care as much as I do, but that doesn’t stop me from caring… well, for the most part. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it makes my social life a bit hectic.

For a couple of weeks, I started to pay attention to who I spoke to on a regular basis and how the conversations went, and I figured out a lot. I then thought back to a ton of other conversations I’ve had with people I held close to me, and I found out what a lot of those interactions, old and new, have in common: I would be the one to initiate the conversation a majority of the time. This doesn’t go for everyone I speak with, but the ones that this happens with… fuck.

I then started trying to make excuses for it, my go-to coping mechanism for things like this, but then I stopped. I can’t keep making excuses and trying with people who don’t want to try with me. I have spent too much time crying and blaming myself and feeling like all I would ever be is the backup friend or the last resort.

Right now, my mental state isn’t exactly stable right now, but I keep pushing forward because I want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m enough, and that’s where I’m stuck.

For those of you who do make the small effort of just reaching out to say hello, know that your gesture is beyond appreciated and something that I hold close. Even if we just talk about bullshit or send pictures back and forth, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I know I’m not the best at keeping up with people, but I try.

I can’t keep letting people hurt me and not say anything, because it has gotten to a point that all I want is a hug, but I don’t want anyone near me because I’m so tired of being left behind.

I love you all. Please reach out to those you care about because they might not know anyone cares, and that message could change their entire perspective.