Bottled Up

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

An Open Letter

Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

 

Giving Up

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

Memory Hiccup

Due to bad memory and a lot of things going on, I forgot about my month-iversary. We technically have two days because of the time difference, so we will be celebrating more tomorrow, too. We had fun today, though. We played games, watched a movie and just enjoyed each other’s company. It’s the simple things that make the best memories.

I know it’s kind of silly to celebrate each month, but time is a very big part of a LDR. Whether the days seem to be dragging on or moving at light speed, time is still moving and every second counts. It’s nice to have these little milestones to show us that we’re still going strong.

Like any relationship, LDRs take just as much work and communication. The only main difference is the lack of being physical, and I don’t mean sexually. Not being able to cuddle or hold their hand can drive you to the point of trying to reach through your screen. One thing that I find helps is talking about all the things we’re going to do when we’re together… which is basically everything we do now, but in person and with kissing!

Happy Month-iversary, sweetheart. Here’s to many more!

The Next Chapter

I was struggling today, and have been for a while, but something happened that actually gave me the push I needed and now I have my drive back.

I received an email from someone who read my blog, and they told me that I inspired them to start a blog of their own. I started shaking and almost cried. That made me so happy to read. I am over the moon and I hope this beautiful person has a wonderful journey with their blog.

I am no longer doing this for just myself, but for everyone that comes across this place, whether they just stop by or take off their jacket and stay for a while. I’m going to start streaming and making videos, as well as just putting myself out there and having fun.

Life can be really rough sometimes, but the small things make it worth it. I never thought I would get any of the comments I’ve gotten, or that email; I just broke 60 followers and I couldn’t even imagine the day that I would have 10 followers. I want to thank you guys for inspiring me to keep going. I am so grateful for each and every single one of you. I truly feel like I have a voice and I’m heard.

Two Steps Forward?

I just woke up and I’m exhausted and full of anger. All I do is try to look forward to my future, but getting there is going to take a while. The stress is making me restless and I’m trying to put that energy into moving forward.

At this point, I don’t know if I’m taking giant strides forward or slowly crawling to my destination, but at least I’m going in the right direction.

Losing Myself

I’ve been sleeping a lot… too much. When I’m up, I force a smile which is slowly breaking. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore and I’m struggling. I wish the strength I have been given was enough, but I need to find the strength in myself now.

I haven’t had the worst life, but it definitely wasn’t the best. I’m doing my best to make it better, but I need to be able to stay awake to get anywhere. I’ve been trying to focus on the good in my life, and it does help to have some sunshine in the storm, I just wish all I could focus on was the good.

I am strong, but I could be stronger, and that’s what I’m going to try to work on before it’s too late.

Looking Forward

Do you ever just look at someone and know that no matter what happens that everything will be okay? You could have your entire world destroyed and just seeing their face restores everything back to normal. I have that, and I have had that for quite a while.

He has been in my life for quite a while now, and I have never felt safer than I do with him. Outside of giving me hope and happiness, he gave me the strength to keep moving forward. I believe now that I can keep going, and things will get better.

When I think about the future, it isn’t dull anymore. I actually smile when I think about all the adventures we will have and the small things we will share. Even now, as we’re sitting on Skype and he’s playing a game, I can’t help but smile when I look at him.

Outside of being my boyfriend, he’s my best friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side as I attempt to navigate this crazy world.

Emotional Runaway

I am extremely tired, physically and mentally. I keep trying and pushing forward, I just wish it could go faster. I feel like I’m being held down by everyone else’s problems, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not in the position to go off the grid and disappear yet, but I can let my mind go and wander.

If I let my mental state run away, I think I would be better off. I would be a bit of a robot, but maybe that would be better right now. I will still care and have feelings, just not as many. I can’t control the situations that surround me, but I can control myself.

I’m going to let go for a while, and I will just focus on my future; I won’t have one if I give up, so I need to keep going.

Growing Up

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.