An Open Book

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.

New Year, New Me?

Yes, it’s the 12th of January and I’m just now making my New Year’s post. The end of 2019 and the first couple of weeks of 2020 have been very interesting, to say the least.

I got a new job at the beginning of December, and a long with that started the next chapter of my life. I am the night auditor at a hotel. It’s not the most exciting, but it gives me the opportunity to do my school work and actually be in a work environment that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out. I even have the time to write, which is what I’m doing right now.

The beginning of 2020 was mediocre at best, but I have no complaints. I did get to thinking, though, about what I truly want for myself and the next year of my life. One of the things that bothers me constantly is that I am alone. I have friends, but I never really feel like I fit in and I become drained as of late just thinking about going out… but I still try to stay in touch. With that being said, I’m not going to be the only one reaching out anymore. I can’t keep doing it. So, if anyone wants to get in touch with me, you can send me a message and I’ll get back to you when it’s convenient for me. I’m not mad or angry about it, but I just think it’s kind of ridiculous to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Something else that I want to be able to do is travel this year, so I need to get my license, passport and a map. I’m not spending another year going between work and home, with the occasional pit stop at a bar. For me, it’s extremely disappointing. I’ve been in this godawful place for too long and I need to get out.

I need to just be myself and live my life. At this point, no one seems to give a shit if they piss me off, use me, treat me like shit or flat out lie to my face, so I don’t give a shit if they need a shoulder to cry. Until it’s a two-way road, I’m not giving anything else. So, for me, it’s not “new year, new me”– it’s “new year, true me”.

How to Feel

Hey, it’s been a while? How are you doing? How’s life? Me? Well, I’m okay, just a bit lost…

Last month, I got to meet my best friend. You know who he is. He helped me realize that I am a good person, and that what I went through isn’t my fault. How I handled it was bad, but I’m not a bad person.

A couple weeks ago, I ended up losing someone from my life that meant a great deal to me. This person was the first person I opened up to and also the first person I regret pushing out of my life. I know I hurt you, and it’s the biggest regret I have. I miss you, and I still care about you. You and I mirrored each other in humor and attitude. I don’t remember one call that we had that we didn’t laugh, even the last one had a couple of giggles… But as much as I hurt you, you hurt me. We both made promises that we didn’t keep, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry.

I cried for days after the night we said “I love you”, but not because I was happy… I was happy, but it’s what was said after that stung. I still loved you and would do anything for you. You were my best friend, and I still care. I was always loyal, up until you changed your relationship on Facebook. I was happy for you… That’s a lie, but I was happy you were happy. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I miss you, and I hate that I can’t say “Hi” anymore. The letter wasn’t meant to push you away or to hurt you, but it did and that’s my b. There’s a lot you and I have to talk about, and when you’re ready, you know how to reach me. I can’t promise it will be comfortable or even tolerable, but I need you to know what happened.

I know you will probably never see this, but if you do, I’m trying to be okay but it’s hard.

I’m trying my best right now, because we still walk under the same sun.

The Past Year or So…

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about two of my best friends. On October 25 of this year, I was lucky enough to meet one of them. He stayed here for two weeks, and it was truly amazing. We explored the city and finally got to hang out without having to worry about the internet going down.

But let’s go back to that post and work forward…

After I made that post, a lot changed in my life. The end of one relationship and the beginning of a new one, a new job, a better outlook on life, and then I got bad news. As every woman my age, we go to Gyno Land. At this appointment, I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children. I was absolutely devastated. I ended up falling into a deep depression and ending my wonderful relationship.

While dealing with depression and anxiety and pushing everyone I truly loved and care for away, I started drinking more and I made a huge mistake. I ended up getting in a relationship with someone who was terrible and before I knew it, he had cheated on me. I was alone again for a few months and then I saw the boy who I was head over heels for in a new relationship, so I decided to get back with the one who hurt me because I didn’t want to be alone.

It was okay for a while, but things got really bad. I found out that he got the other girl pregnant, but I still decided to stay. He had two kids already, and since I was told I couldn’t have any, that I could make it work. I was wrong.

I spent months with a man who used me as a free babysitter and as someone to vent to. All the while, I still continued to think about the good one and hoped everything was good for him. Instead of coming to my senses, I decided to force myself to love this man who was never good for me.

During the shit storm, I ended up moving and becoming a home owner. I got back into school for a bit and had time to work on my business. I thought maybe the move would make things better for my relationship and my lingering feelings for a past love, but it only made things harder.

Skip ahead to my birthday, and it ended up with me having a busted lip. That was the beginning of the end for me and him. I finally had enough of being treated like shit and hearing about the other girl. I left him and I started to heal on that front.

My depression worsened, though. Work put a huge strain on my mental health and I started to isolate myself again. One of my best friends, though, decided that after three years it was time to finally meet.

The past two weeks saved me because I was heading down a dark path. I was shutting down and he showed me that there are people out there that truly love and care about me. He didn’t make me feel like shit for being depressed, and made me truly feel like I have a place in this world.

It was bitter sweet because when I was told that terrible news, my best friend and love of my life was going to drop everything to come to me, to comfort me, and I pushed him away.

If you read this, and I don’t know if you will… I hope you know I still care about you greatly and I miss you terribly. Pushing you out of my life was the biggest mistake I ever made and I will eventually move on from it, but I will never forgive myself. I still consider you one of my best friends and I will still do anything for you. I will always have your back, and you will always have my support.

I love you all, and I hope more than anything that all of you at least have someone as great as my best friends. I am truly grateful.

Haven’t I Learned?

There are many things that I’ve learned over the years. From looking both way before crossing the street, to chewing with my mouth closed. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I should have full control of my life and my feelings…

Oh wait, this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a walking, talking mess. I have control over very little, including myself. My feelings run rapid like a dog let off its leash. I have recently broken one of the golden rules when you become a working adult: don’t start liking one of your coworkers.

You can’t help who you fall for, hell knows I’m the poster child for that, but I tried so hard not to like anyone at my job because I was under the assumption that I wasn’t ready and that I could turn my feelings on and off like a light (this is where I went wrong… and I guess right). When you stop trying or looking for something, whatever it is will break down your door and climb right into your lap.

I have been a basket case lately due to work stress, and the added pressure of a middle school crush isn’t helping. I mean, it makes me happy because I am capable of feeling again after a terrible breakup, but it scares.

Do I know if he likes me back, or would even consider me? No, I honestly have no idea. Do I try and crush my feelings every chance that I get? I sure do, but it doesn’t work. All my friends say I should go for it, because life is too short and taking chances are apart of the experience, but I honestly have no idea how to go about it.

Let’s Ketchup!

Hey, how have you guys been? It’s been a while! Me? Oh, I’m alright. I recently moved and I got a new job.

I am the new Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, and honestly, I love it so far. I really didn’t want to go back into food, but they’re right up he street and everyone I work with is amazing! Even the customers are great, which is rare in the service industry. Our location is currently undergoing renovations, which is why there’s a picture of me in a hardhat. The flower, however, is a different story.

This woman came through drive-thru while I was in back booth taking orders and money. She gave me the gardenia and we talked about flowers for a few minutes before she moved to the second window to get her food. I was so shocked by this small token of kindness, that I wore that flower in my hair and in my shirt pocket all day, and put it in some water when I got home.

Once I got out of back booth, I showed everyone on the floor my flower, and I was the happiest I’ve been in a while. It was such a simple and small thing, but it made my entire day, and I still smile thinking about this random woman who handed me a flower through a window.

There are a lot of assholes out there, but there’s also a lot of good people. I work with and serve a lot of the good ones. Even a car full of teenagers told me that my attitude made their day.

I hope all of you re doing well, I really do. If you go out today, maybe pick a few flowers to hand out. I know it made my day.

Word Problems

Growing up, spelling and grammar were two of the many things that my mother made sure to constantly go over with me. I am a firm believer in knowledge being power, but what I’m starting to see is knowledge is being based off of loosely-based truths and it’s spreading.

I don’t remember how the subject came up, but we were talking about there, their, and they’re. More specifically, how you could use any of the spellings in a sentence, but with context clues, can figure out what the person is trying to say. Now, I do agree with that notion, but it doesn’t make it correct or acceptable. If I were to type, “I’m going over their“, you would know I meant “there”.

Even though the words sound the same, the meanings are different. Their is the possessive case of the pronoun they. There can be used as an adverb to mean a place or location (e.g. “I’m there now.” or “It’s over there.“), or as a pronoun at the beginning of a sentence (e.g. “There is hope.”). They’re is a contraction of they and are (e.g. “They’re going to the park today.).

Like to, too, and two, they all sound the same but mean different things, and just because you understand what is being said, doesn’t mean that you should get into the habit of using the wrong spelling. My grammar and spelling aren’t perfect, and when I catch my errors, I make sure to correct them. I’m not a “Grammar Nazi”, and I don’t go around with a red pen correcting people, but it’s getting to a point where the younger generations are picking up on these habits and soon, we will be throwing out many of the basic rules of English because “it’ll be easier”.

English has many rules, and is very difficult to master, but using words in the wrong context just makes it that much harder.

That’s the end of my rant. I’m sorry if this pissed anyone off. Like I said, my spelling and grammar aren’t perfect, so if there are any errors in this post, or any of my other ones, please leave a comment and let me know.

Unsteady

Everyone gets to vent and rant and say irrational things when they’re upset. But me? No, I’m not allowed to be in my own head, or say stupid things when I’m upset. I’m never allowed to just get something off my chest without anyone putting their two cents in and I’m so fucking sick of it. Why am I expected to listen and support those around me when they’re upset, but my feelings aren’t just and I can’t just bitch.

I am so close to snapping and I just keep getting pushed further and further and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be everyone’s fucking rock when I have no steady ground.

I don’t know what to do anymore except cry in my room and sleep. All I have going for me is my education, and I can’t get through it fast enough.

I Have Nothing Left

I have reached my breaking point. The past few weeks have been a nonstop shit show and I am finally shutting down.

I have been repeatedly talked down to, told and treated like I’m not enough, harassed, bullied, targeted… and the worst part is that I have no control over it unless I leave or shutdown, and I have nowhere to go. The expectations that are set for myself by those around me are ridiculous as I’m not psychic nor a brick wall without feelings.

Everyone around has been going through a lot, and has come to me to talk about it and seek help, but I’m also going through shit but no one would know that because I’m not allowed to talk.

I’m not allowed to talk, or relax or do what I need to do to get out of here, so I’m going to sit here and be wrong and just accept that this is where I am right now because I have no other choice.

I have nothing left, and all I can do is go through the motions. I’m done pretending like I’m okay because it’s a waste of time.

For Myself

Yesterday was a rough one, but I did realize a lot (on my own and with the help of others). I can’t say much without breaching my contract at work, but I will say that what transpired was, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. I have calmed down since the incident and here is what I’ve taken away from the whole thing:

  • I am not a bad person.
  • I am a wonderful employee and go above and beyond what is expected of me.
  • “You’re too beautiful to cry, and too good for this place.” — Wonderful Customer.

Most importantly, I’m not putting my future in jeopardy for a temporary job. I love my job and I take pride in everything I do and accomplish, but I have such a bad taste in my mouth now that I need to get back on the track of doing right by me.

Now that my mind is clear and I feel like I can breathe, I have one main goal in mind: finish school by my birthday (July 23). I am currently completing 50 lessons a week. I have 472 lessons left, which is about 10 weeks of work if I keep going at this pace. I know some of the labs I have to complete will take longer than that, but I have a little over 4 months before my deadline and I really think I can do this if I can avoid many issues and distractions.

I am proud of myself. I am smart, funny, and care a lot about those around me, but it’s time for me to put all of that energy towards myself and my goals.

I love you all. Here’s to the dark days ahead, and the many bright ones to come.