Exhausted

I woke up at 3 AM today and I regret not going back to sleep. I don’t know why I woke up then, but hopefully I will make it through the day without taking a nap. I did get some work done, though, and I got to talk to my boyfriend so I’m not complaining.

We’re going to watch a movie soon, but we’re still deciding on what to watch. As simple as watching a movie is, I truly cherish every moment I spend with him. Getting to look over and know he’s there makes my entire day. I just hope that I don’t fall asleep during the movie like I usually do.

I’m too tired to keep writing, but I will hopefully be more awake tonight. Have a good day, everyone!

Mistakes Happen

Today marks the first day that a morning post is an afternoon post. Due to stress, I haven’t been sleeping very well, and I just woke up a little bit ago. I’m extremely upset about this, and I feel like a fuck up. I’m trying to look at it as “shit happens”, but it’s hard for me to do.

My absolutely wonderful boyfriend, though, is telling me it’ll be okay and I trust him. I’m not going to give up, but maybe I should alter my schedule to one post when the sun is out and one post when the moon is out per day.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to write this post now. If I keep telling myself that, I feel better about it. I love this project, and I’m not going to give up on it; this blog has given me an outlet that I never really had before. I feel like I’m apart of something outside of myself and each day I get excited to write. This blog has given me my creativity back, and I’m not going to lose it again.

First Steps to Getting Better

So I ended up going to the doctor today, and got medicine that is working so far… and making me extremely tired. I was able to keep food down, though, so that’s a plus. Sorry if that’s slightly gross, but we’ve all been sick so I feel like it’s okay to give details like that.

I got to have a nice, short call with the one known as “them”, and then I took a short nap. I’m hoping to get rid of whatever bug I have before Easter because there is no way I am skipping out on the food. Having an Italian mother has taught me that holidays are meant for family, friends and tons of food.

I hope everyone had a good day, and that no one has gotten whatever bug is going around.

Restless

I have always taken naps during the day, and been able to sleep at night. I have also been able to stay up for days at a time without skipping a beat. I can change my sleep pattern with a snap of my fingers, as well as being able to survive on 4 hours of sleep a night.

Over the past few days, I have been extremely tired, to the point of only being able to stay up for a couple of hours at a time before being so exhausted that I need to take a nap. I don’t know if it’s from the fall I took last month, if I’m sick or if it’s my stress/depression.

I had a fever on Sunday, but my stress has caused fevers so I can’t say for sure that I have the flu or a cold. I have also felt weak and slightly dizzy. Unfortunately for me, my symptoms could be from all three so the only thing I can do that I know will help is sleep.

Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop playing games until 2 AM, or maybe I’m finally catching up on my sleep after all these years. I just hope I go back to my¬†normal sleep routine soon.

In Search of (Regular) Sleep

My body has a love-hate relationship with sleeping and anything that goes with it.I remember very few times that I can say that I slept through the night and didn’t count the random objects around my room. The worst part is if I get more than 5 hours of sleep at night, I feel completely exhausted and sick when I wake up. Catching up on my sleep is just a dream for me (sleeping pun, but true).

This is where naps come in. A guilty pleasure¬†for most, and an essential for me, naps are the greatest things. If I didn’t take naps daily, I would probably be on autopilot from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep.

Over the past couple years, I have definitely slept more than I’ve been awake and, as sad as it seems, I’m completely fine with it. I have my best ideas right before I go to sleep and immediately after I wake up. This whole blog is in existence because I ended up staying up all night thinking about new writing ideas. I’m not sad when I’m tired, I’m creative.

Do I wish that I could just have a normal sleep schedule and feel great if I accidentally sleep in? Yeah, sometimes, but I am starting to enjoy my crazy life. I know I won’t be able to keep it this way forever, so I’m going to enjoy it while I can (and I’m pretty sure my cats don’t mind one bit).

I don’t know what I’m actually going to do today. I’m in a lot of pain and it’s wearing me out, but I’m going to try to get something done. I have been watching a lot of makeup tutorials lately, and making a list of all the looks I can try; it won’t been happening today, but I will be picking up on doing my makeup very soon!

Sorry for the post about naps with a picture of one of my kitties. I am truly so exhausted that all my thoughts and ideas lead to sleeping. Hopefully, I will wake up soon and will create or do something amazing!

Happy Monday!

Keeping up With It

Today marks day 2 of my routine, and it’s going pretty well. I got up and did some school work, and exercised. With 3 out of 5 tasks completed, I think I will count this day as successful.

I’ve noticed that even in this short amount of time, I have gained a tiny bit of energy. Normally when I take naps, they can last 4+ hours, but today I only napped for about 2 hours. I will always need to take naps during the day (I’m tired person in general), but if I can my naps down to about 1.5 hours, I will have so much more time to do the things I want and need to do.

I’ve even been drinking more water! I filled my bottle up twice today, which is a huge improvement from filling it every other day. I don’t know how long I will keep at this, but I will keeping doing so for as long as I can. So far, though, I really like the short-term improvements I’m seeing.

Tonight, if I can’t fall asleep, I will be making a more precise schedule for my posts and drawing up how I want each page to look. I’m extremely proud of myself and I want to see this project through because I truly think I can do this!

Taking a Break

Today started off really well for me actually, minus the one or two petty things. I got a few more hours before I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I screamed and cried until I couldn’t.

Between getting dragged into other’s bullshit and trying to battle my depression, I am weakened and I don’t want to do anything. I know I will get up tomorrow and keep going, but I’m getting off my personal social media accounts for a while. This weekend will be spent working on this and data entry (that’s what I do for work).

A few people in my life don’t understand why I’m always so stressed. I mean, I work, go to school and even socialize all from my room. I should actually have very limited stress, but I don’t. I might get to stay in sweats all day, but I pay for comfort by being a listening ear. I am an emotional dumpster for everyone. I vent a lot, but I can’t do it anymore.

For a while, I believed that a lot of my problems would be eliminated if I removed everyone from my life. I have dealt with so much, and I keep going, but I think I repressed many of my emotions along the way in an attempt to keep myself from completely losing myself. I would like to get those back.

I wish I had a happier post for Friday. I do have an idea of my schedule for Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Fridays will have one post and eventually Instagram/Twitter posts. Weekends will have no posts but be used as planning days for the upcoming week. I want to organize my site a little better, and start designing my logo.

The reason my day started off well was because I am up to 6 followers on this blog. I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has spent time looking at my blog, liking my content and following. It amazes me how many people this blog has reached, and I am extremely proud of myself for sticking with this.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see all of you back here Monday morning!

Getting Personal

For the past few days, I will get up early, stay up for a while and then pass out until the late afternoon. Not the greatest thing for trying to maintain a schedule. At first I thought I was getting sick, or I’m just extremely tired because it’s getting dark out earlier. Both of these things could be working together to make me tired, but I finally figured out what it is. Depression.

I have been dealing with depression and other mental problems since I was 10 years old. The list includes:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • ADD/ADHD

These three things are very common and, from my understanding, each one can cause the other. Unfortunately, I don’t know which one is the ring leader. I have been in therapy for a couple of years, and on waiting lists for a couple of psychiatrists for months now.

I have tried everything from meditation to hemp oil, as well as a cocktail of medication. Nothing except for my anti-anxiety pills have worked. I have chemical and trauma-based depression, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and combined ADD/ADHD. All of my problems are very common, and many people have told me it’s because I’m young. I hope they’re right but I doubt they are. I think as I get older, I will have a better grasp on coping mechanisms, which in turn will help me avoid sleeping all day and feeling alone.

I have been told I chose to be this way, and that I can stop whenever I want to. I wish I could stop. I wish I could flip a switch and all my thoughts would be happy, and that I wouldn’t feel like a failure. All these things take time to get better, but I still don’t believe that I have all of this because I’m young.

This isn’t my first project, but I feel like I can open up and get somewhere in my life with this one. The fact that I sat down and did a full face of makeup the other day was a huge accomplishment. I have held myself responsible for this blog, and I won’t let it die. I have put a lot of time into it, and I don’t want to add another project to my incomplete list.

I’m forcing myself now to snap out of this mindset by keeping busy, and it’s the best I can do right now. I know once I have a full schedule, I won’t have time to sleep all day. I want to be happy and enjoy the small things.

A Lesson Learned

Last night I made the mistake of going to bed without washing my face. The makeup still looked decent, but it was plastered onto my face! Water couldn’t get this stuff off of me!

This has happened to me before, but I didn’t care and just let it wash off when it wanted to. With this project, I have to stay on top of this.

Today, I actually used towelettes and a peel-off face mask for their intended purposes: to clean and refresh! I honestly forgot I had these, but I remember only using the towelettes in the summer because they felt cool on my face, and the face mask because I enjoyed peeling it off my face. They’re actually useful and would highly recommend Burt’s Bees and Freeman products to anyone starting off with makeup or looking to try something new!

My ideal daily routine is as followed:

  1. Wake up and wash up
  2. First blog post
  3. Makeup and take pictures
  4. School and work
  5. Wash face
  6. Second blog post
  7. Sleep

Once I nail waking up at a normal hour and staying up, it’ll get easier. I originally started writing this post at 10 AM, and it’s now 4:30 PM. I have never had a great sleeping pattern, but my body is now completely out of whack.

I won’t be doing makeup today, but I will be working on my bullet journal and school. I am going to keep trying to get this right, no matter what it takes!

 

 

 

 

A bit Late

I was up at 7 AM, but I thought I was strong enough to lie down for a little and not fall asleep. I was wrong. I woke up at 12 PM and fed Poe (my tortoise), and now, at 3 PM. The cold weather isn’t helping me keep a semi-normal sleep schedule.

I had a lot I wanted to do today, and even though it’s late, I’m still going to try to get it all done. My plan is to take a shower, actually do something with my hair, try doing my makeup, work, school and possibly a load of laundry. Somewhere in all of that, I will take a food break!

My New Year’s Resolution is not the typical one, but I refuse to fail this early in the game! I know I can do this, I just need to stop sleeping so much so I can. One of the main reasons for me getting up early and doing my makeup everyday is so I can get a routine. I will eventually get in the swing of things!

I will keep this short, because now I need to actually start my day! Better late than never!