Tag: determination

The Honest Truth

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Hey, it’s been a while…. I feel like every time I sit down to write now, I start it off with that. I hope everyone is doing well. I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling right now, but I need to get some things off my chest so I can start to heal.

I reached 100 followers on Twitch and everything is starting to look up for me, so I should be happy, right? I should be a ball of energy. I’m not, though. I’m happy when I stream and get to talk to all of you, because I finally have a place where I’m wanted and needed. I know it sounds narcissistic, but I lack a lot in my personal life.

Two years ago in June, I pushed away one of the greatest people to ever walk into my life, and ever since then I have completely dissociated from love, and have been hurt in ways that I can’t truly put into words. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but the past two years have shaped me greatly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating my life since COVID-19 swept the world, and I realized a lot. One is that I am not the monster that I was made out to be by other. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not an awful person. I have hurt people in the past – it was never my intention to do so, and I’m sorry, but I can’t keep paying for it.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I put too much energy into people who don’t put the same amount into me. I don’t expect those in my life to always be able to give 100%, but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. A lot of those who I thought I could trust my life with, I can’t even trust to write me back unless it benefits them. I can’t keep being the backup for when no one else is available. I refuse to be the last resort. I will always be there for you, but I need someone to be there for me. I can’t keep reaching for something that’s not there.

I also thought about who I am and what I’ve accomplished. I am currently 4 years clean of self-harm, and 4 months clean on attempts. I struggle everyday to get out of bed, but I would rather struggle than give up. I have scars, physically and mentally, but now I use that energy to motivate myself, instead of using it as a road block. It’s not always the easiest, and some days I shutdown and become a husk, but I still try.

I work a lot with numbers, as I’m sure those who know me or have read my posts have noticed. I managed to make affiliate on twitch after 9 streams, totaling roughly 36 hours (~4 hour/stream) between June 29-July 17, 2020, which is 18 days. In 1 month and 14 days, I reached 100 followers (June 29-August 12, 2020). I also started a podcast, which I use as an extension of this blog. I also have the drive to start all the projects I’ve wanted to over the years, but was never brave enough to do so.

I have met some genuinely nice people, and they have given me the confidence to just let go and be okay. You guys have shown me love in a way that I have never received from strangers, but you’re not strangers anymore. You guys are family.

2020 has been pretty shitty, there’s no doubt about that, but I have also discovered that I have a voice and that I matter, and that there’s a lot more to me than I allow myself to see. I discovered myself, and she’s a bit rough around the edges and overbearing at times, but she has a lot of ideas and cares greatly. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and has been through more than most, but she’s still able to smile and make jokes. Someday, I hope more people can see her potential.

I have a project in the works right now that’s going to take a few weeks to complete, but it will completely expose who I am, which is the whole point of Rooplixoo — raw, unfiltered, me…

Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to get up and stand on my own two feet. I might trip or stumble, but I know how to get back up now.

Another Night

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Tonight through the rest of the weekend, I will be spending doing work. I want to get a majority of my work out of the way so I can focus on school and getting my creativity back. To do the things I want to do, I must do the things I have to do first.

I did manage to take a nap today, so I will be able to stay up pretty late tonight. I’ve worked hours on end before, I just need the energy for it, which I have right now so I want to take advantage of it. I will give myself until 11 PM and then I will just start working.

Wish me luck!

The Final Draft

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I had a productive day… in the sense that it wasn’t very productive at all! I walked around the house and thought about everything I need to do during the day, while I also neglect most of those things.

I start a bunch of projects, and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. From there, I get anxiety because nothing is getting done, and I get depressed; it’s a fucked up domino effect that needs to change. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of to-do’s and I’m either going to sink or swim… so I’ll try swimming!

When I started Rooplixoo, it was for the sole purpose of getting through all my makeup. Now, it’s taken on a mind of its own because I keep adding new goals. New goals are never a problem, except when they start to stack up and you end up watching 10 hours of videos and reach the end of the day feeling empty. I’m putting my foot down, because what I’m doing isn’t working anymore.

When I was younger, my mom created this beautiful board titled “The Eye Chart”. I am legally blind in my left eye, so when I was younger, the doctors told my parents that I had to wear these stick on eye patches and do exercises to strengthen the vision in my left eye. Now, not much has changed in the sense that I am a stubborn, pain-in-the-ass that marches to a different beat, but I do enjoy rewards and prizes. My mom created this chart and at the end of each week, I would get a prize. I think I got through about 2 weeks before it was retired, but I still continued to fill in all the days with stickers!

I will probably be up all night because I took a nap today, so tonight I will be putting my board together and working. Up above is a draft of what will go on the board. I have started so many things, that I need to remind myself to brush my teeth! I’m not proud of that, but the first step is admitting there’s a problem! I feel if I can get myself on a schedule and stick to it, I will either start to feel better or be so distracted that I won’t have time to feel bad.

I know it’s impossible to plan out every single day and have a perfect routine, but if I nail it at least 4 days out of the week, I’ll be beyond proud of myself. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. If I have to basically recreate The Eye Chart and reward myself for being a functional human being to get on track, then so be it!

Here’s to yet another new beginning!

What to Do

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Today, I will not be doing makeup because my face needs a break from the makeup I used at my dad’s. I don’t know what caused the allergic reaction, but my eyelids are still really dry and itchy. Instead, I will be getting everything finished!

I have way too many loose ends because I like to start 80 things at once, so today I will be knocking out a lot of it! When I woke up today, I had this huge burst of energy and I want to do everything! My plate will be filled with a bullet journal, a daily routine board, work, school and a logo design! I haven’t figured out the order I will do everything in just yet, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough! I have also been neglecting my Instagram, so I need to start keeping up with that, too!

Today is the day that I get my life back on track and try to feel better about waking up every morning. I’m taking back control (again) and I don’t plan on letting go!

Nail Polish and Upcoming Plans

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Second day of doing my nails and I actually prefer doing my makeup! I’ve decided to skip the sheer polishes and I will circle back around to them at the end. I’ve also found a ton of stuff to do acrylic nails, so I might add that to my never-ending list of goals for this year!

Today, I will be doing my nails, and finishing up my bullet journal so I can actually use it! I also have an idea for a logo, so I will be playing around with that, too. I’m terrible at drawing, but I feel like the logo needs my personality in it. Outside of this, I will be working and going through my courses.

Also, as of right now, I am up to 20 followers on this blog and I would like to thank all of you who to the time to view and like my content, as well as follow me on my journey. When I started this project a little over 2 weeks ago, I didn’t think I would see much traffic for the first couple of months, but all of you proved me wrong! It’s a huge confidence booster for me as a writer and a person. So, in short, thank you so much for giving me another reason to keep this blog going!

That’s about it for now. Over the next few days, the website is going to get a face lift. Once the logo is done, I can start to really buckle down and get started on creating videos. I have a handful of ideas that cover so many different topics, so I will figure out what direction I want to go in. I guess that’s why I chose Rooplixoo; it can go in so many different directions, and I think it suits me. Through this project, I am going in so many directions and I am truly having a great time doing all of this.

Have to Start Somewhere

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In a previous post, I briefly touched upon my vast collection of nail polish. I currently have 153 bottle of nail polish in my room (some on the wall and some in my vanity). The funny thing is that I rarely do my nails. I know what you’re thinking… how did I come across all these bottles of nail polish? Well, that’s a funny story.

On December 22, 2015, I ordered a 3-piece nail polish wall rack so I had a place to display my polishes and other nail-related items. Now, I don’t know exactly what happened. Whether they thought I was a salon owner or maybe I won a contest, I ended up with a shipment of 144 bottles of Nabi nail polish. I had no order record on my account, and when I called customer service, they said the package was for me. I stopped questioning it and considered it good fortune. Unfortunately, the shelves didn’t arrive for another few days so I had to wait to unbox all 24 small boxes.

It has been slightly over 2 years since receiving these polishes and I have barely touched them. Opened nail polish has a shelf life of about 2 years, and I have only opened a few of them. My goal is to not only learn to paint my nails and do them every single day, but to use every bottle that exists in my room. From what I remember, the nail polishes actually give full coverage in one coat. It has been 2 years, though, so I might need to do two coats.

The biggest challenge I know I will face is that I am not ambidextrous, so I struggle to paint my right hand. I’m sure the next 22-ish weeks will be filled with some pretty interesting and funny photos of my beautiful nail art, and definitely a few videos!

I guess without anything further to say, I’m going to jump into this part of the New Year’s Resolution!

An Interesting Day

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Today was an interesting one, to say the least. After publishing my first post of the day, I immediately felt sick, but I powered through to get this done! Above is the before and after of my makeup, which took me about 2 hours to do because I kept spacing out!

After my makeup was finally finished, I went into my closet to get the dress which wasn’t where I thought it was. I didn’t see it on my garment rack at first which lead me to search the back room downstairs. I was becoming frustrated, so I took a deep breath and looked in my closet one more time, and it was staring me right in the face! I have no idea how I missed it the first time, but I’ll blame it on me being sick.

Then, once I had my makeup done and my dress on, it was time for the photo shoot, but what’s a photo shoot without any problems? I don’t know! When I went to turn my camera on, the battery was dead. It’s winter so I didn’t have time to change the battery before the sun went down. I just used my phone.

I decided since it was so nice out today, that I would take my pictures outside.

Snow pics

I was absolutely freezing! I like how the pictures turned out, but never again without pants and a jacket! I also thought it would be a good idea to wear 4-inch heeled boots with ice and snow on the ground! I’m just having an off day, but I got it done! I’m really happy with how my makeup turned out today, especially my lipstick; I guess lip liner is great at keeping lipstick in its place!

Once I finished taking the photos, I ran inside, got back into my pajamas, wiped my lipstick off and took a nap. I love sleeping when it’s snowing or raining, I find it very relaxing to watch.

I really hope I’m not sick, but I know that I am. I’m just not sure if it’s something I caught, or my new medication. I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough! For now, though, I’m going to try to get some more sleep! I don’t really have anything planned for tomorrow, but I’m pretty good at thinking on my feet!

Taking a Break

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Today started off really well for me actually, minus the one or two petty things. I got a few more hours before I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I screamed and cried until I couldn’t.

Between getting dragged into other’s bullshit and trying to battle my depression, I am weakened and I don’t want to do anything. I know I will get up tomorrow and keep going, but I’m getting off my personal social media accounts for a while. This weekend will be spent working on this and data entry (that’s what I do for work).

A few people in my life don’t understand why I’m always so stressed. I mean, I work, go to school and even socialize all from my room. I should actually have very limited stress, but I don’t. I might get to stay in sweats all day, but I pay for comfort by being a listening ear. I am an emotional dumpster for everyone. I vent a lot, but I can’t do it anymore.

For a while, I believed that a lot of my problems would be eliminated if I removed everyone from my life. I have dealt with so much, and I keep going, but I think I repressed many of my emotions along the way in an attempt to keep myself from completely losing myself. I would like to get those back.

I wish I had a happier post for Friday. I do have an idea of my schedule for Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Fridays will have one post and eventually Instagram/Twitter posts. Weekends will have no posts but be used as planning days for the upcoming week. I want to organize my site a little better, and start designing my logo.

The reason my day started off well was because I am up to 6 followers on this blog. I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has spent time looking at my blog, liking my content and following. It amazes me how many people this blog has reached, and I am extremely proud of myself for sticking with this.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see all of you back here Monday morning!

A Simpler Time

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I spent the day thinking and realized that I need to be happy, no matter what it takes. Above is a picture of me and my great-grandmother from around 1996. I obviously don’t remember this photo being taken, but I remember her fondly.

In that photo I am smiling. I didn’t have a reason not to smile. I had no problems then; everything was simple. Now, it goes without saying, I was a pain-in-the-ass kid. I know I was because I still am! The only things that have changed are my height, and my views on the world around me.

If I can somehow get back to the mindset that everything is amazing, I would be better off. So, that’s an additional goal for me: to enjoy everything as much as I can! Whether it’s dance parties in my room, or spending hours on Skype with my extended family, I will start having fun and going with the flow.

I came to the conclusion that I can’t control everything that happens, but I can control myself. If I have to schedule time to have fun or force myself to do so, then I will. I’m not going to let my mind take over anymore, I’m the boss now and it’s about time I start acting like it!

There will be more makeup, more pictures, more everything! 2018 is the year I get shit done and move forward with my life!