I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

Long Time, No See

Hey guys, it’s been a while! I want to start off by apologizing for not writing everyday like I was, and I feel like I let myself down a bit with this project.

Over the past couple of weeks, my depression decided to rear its ugly head once more and I decided to stay away from the computer for a while (with exceptions, of course). I didn’t want to fill my blog with tons of angry and depressing posts, so I decided to take some time and work through it.

I thought a lot about this blog during my time off, and I realized that I trapped myself in a box. I had a set schedule and when it comes to writing, you can’t force creativity like that. I have decided that I will continue to write on a regular basis, but I won’t force it. I will write every day, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, but I won’t pressure myself into writing “perfect” posts. I’m not perfect, and neither is my writing.

I truly hope everyone has been doing well and hanging in there. I love you all!

What a Day

Do you ever have one of those days where you should have just stayed in bed? Well, that was one of them for me. It went from bad to worse as each hour passed and I am glad it’s finally over.

I get to spend the remainder of the day eating Chinese food and drinking wine while trying to relax before heading out to work again.

I hope everyone had a great Friday, but if you had a day like I did, I will definitely have a glass for you!

An Off Day

I feel weird today. I’m not sad or angry, but I’m also not happy. I don’t want to do anything productive, and I’m tired of laying in bed. I guess I just feel off. I don’t know what to do or how I feel, so I guess I will just deal with it.

I think I will be okay, I should be, I just wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully I will feel better as the day goes on.

Too Tired

Another post started before noon, so no strike.

I had a rough day yesterday, as far as I now realize just how much I need to get away from my past. All it does it make me depressed and tired and I barely get anything done.

I’m not going to sit here and act like I have the worst past imaginable, but it was nowhere near being great. I have good memories, but even more bad ones. I struggle to let go because I’m constantly surrounded by what causes me pain. I constantly hope that it will change and get better, even though I know it won’t until I start over.

I’m going to try to distract myself today, maybe go down to the coffee shop and space out there for a bit. I will do what I need to do, but I will be on autopilot the entire time.

Starting Anew

Today is the day I start over. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing an hoping that everything will be okay, because that’s not how it works. I need to tear down and rebuild… I need to move forward.

I have gone through so much in my short time, and I need to try to get rid of my pain and sorrow. My past is starting to consume me, and I need to get out of my pattern of waking up and hoping that things will change. I will now wake up and make everything around me change. Waiting patiently is getting me nowhere fast.

I am working and going to school, yes, but outside of that I really don’t have much going on outside of my boyfriend and my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and my family, I just need something and I don’t know what it is.

I’m hoping once I get my life reorganized, I will figure out what I need to do. I have such a wonderful support team, but I need to give myself a bit of support, too.

Getting Back on the Road

Our weekend is finally coming to an end and we will be heading back “home” as soon as the car is packed. I hate leaving, especially considering where I’m going back to, but I don’t have another choice at this point.

This weekend was rough, but being with family made it easier. I never really had a chance to know my family (due to certain circumstances) and I’m very happy I have the chance to know them now. I’ve always put a lot of importance on spending time with family, and I finally got to do just that.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and a beautiful Mother’s Day!

Gotta Get Moving

In a few hours, my mother and I will be heading to New Jersey, so I need to finish packing. We pretty much have everything we need in the dining room, we just need to get it packed and in the car.

It’s about a 6 hour drive, which isn’t too bad considering we moved across country twice. I think it’ll be good for us to get out of the house for a few days. This trip isn’t going to be the happiest one, but we always find a way to smile through the pain.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a great weekend!

Almost Done

We are so close to being done, there is still so much that needs to get done. I am extremely tired and stressed right now and I just want to get the rest of this done so I can sleep.

Everything will get done, but until it’s done, I won’t be able to calm down. I know the minute I finish, I will be wide awake, but hopefully I will get some sleep between now and when we leave tomorrow.

I’m sorry for the short post, I will write everything down tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great night!

Second Strike

This will be the second time I will be writing a post late, but at least this time it’s understandable. I have been extremely sad and stressed, which means I’m sleeping more. I have had so much on my mind and I can barely function.

Today will be spent on getting everything together for tomorrow and trying not to stress about every little thing. There is still so much that needs to be done, but I know everything will be sorted by tomorrow morning.