What a Day

Do you ever have one of those days where you should have just stayed in bed? Well, that was one of them for me. It went from bad to worse as each hour passed and I am glad it’s finally over.

I get to spend the remainder of the day eating Chinese food and drinking wine while trying to relax before heading out to work again.

I hope everyone had a great Friday, but if you had a day like I did, I will definitely have a glass for you!

An Off Day

I feel weird today. I’m not sad or angry, but I’m also not happy. I don’t want to do anything productive, and I’m tired of laying in bed. I guess I just feel off. I don’t know what to do or how I feel, so I guess I will just deal with it.

I think I will be okay, I should be, I just wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully I will feel better as the day goes on.

Too Tired

Another post started before noon, so no strike.

I had a rough day yesterday, as far as I now realize just how much I need to get away from my past. All it does it make me depressed and tired and I barely get anything done.

I’m not going to sit here and act like I have the worst past imaginable, but it was nowhere near being great. I have good memories, but even more bad ones. I struggle to let go because I’m constantly surrounded by what causes me pain. I constantly hope that it will change and get better, even though I know it won’t until I start over.

I’m going to try to distract myself today, maybe go down to the coffee shop and space out there for a bit. I will do what I need to do, but I will be on autopilot the entire time.

Starting Anew

Today is the day I start over. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing an hoping that everything will be okay, because that’s not how it works. I need to tear down and rebuild… I need to move forward.

I have gone through so much in my short time, and I need to try to get rid of my pain and sorrow. My past is starting to consume me, and I need to get out of my pattern of waking up and hoping that things will change. I will now wake up and make everything around me change. Waiting patiently is getting me nowhere fast.

I am working and going to school, yes, but outside of that I really don’t have much going on outside of my boyfriend and my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and my family, I just need something and I don’t know what it is.

I’m hoping once I get my life reorganized, I will figure out what I need to do. I have such a wonderful support team, but I need to give myself a bit of support, too.

Getting Back on the Road

Our weekend is finally coming to an end and we will be heading back “home” as soon as the car is packed. I hate leaving, especially considering where I’m going back to, but I don’t have another choice at this point.

This weekend was rough, but being with family made it easier. I never really had a chance to know my family (due to certain circumstances) and I’m very happy I have the chance to know them now. I’ve always put a lot of importance on spending time with family, and I finally got to do just that.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and a beautiful Mother’s Day!

Gotta Get Moving

In a few hours, my mother and I will be heading to New Jersey, so I need to finish packing. We pretty much have everything we need in the dining room, we just need to get it packed and in the car.

It’s about a 6 hour drive, which isn’t too bad considering we moved across country twice. I think it’ll be good for us to get out of the house for a few days. This trip isn’t going to be the happiest one, but we always find a way to smile through the pain.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a great weekend!

Almost Done

We are so close to being done, there is still so much that needs to get done. I am extremely tired and stressed right now and I just want to get the rest of this done so I can sleep.

Everything will get done, but until it’s done, I won’t be able to calm down. I know the minute I finish, I will be wide awake, but hopefully I will get some sleep between now and when we leave tomorrow.

I’m sorry for the short post, I will write everything down tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great night!

Second Strike

This will be the second time I will be writing a post late, but at least this time it’s understandable. I have been extremely sad and stressed, which means I’m sleeping more. I have had so much on my mind and I can barely function.

Today will be spent on getting everything together for tomorrow and trying not to stress about every little thing. There is still so much that needs to be done, but I know everything will be sorted by tomorrow morning.

 

Another Roadblock

Don’t you just love it when you feel motivated to do tons of work and then your virtual machine decided to act up and the repositories aren’t cloning properly? Me too! I already have problems focusing paired with anger issues and anxiety, so this just triggers the perfect trifecta!

I am doing my best to keep calm and not give my laptop swimming lessons. I need to step away from the virtual and physical machines for a while and maybe watch some TV. I just wanted to get some work done, and I guess that’s not written in the stars for me right now!

I hope everyone has a good and relaxing night! I will be here staring at my virtual machine, waiting for it to shut down!

Placing Blame

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.

For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.

“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.

I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.

I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.