Why?

Yesterday was extremely hard for me, but it allowed me to think about everything I’ve gone through in my short time on this planet. I noticed a pattern.

Why have I always been second best? Why am I never good enough? No matter how hard I try to do right by people, and be the best I can be, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.

Why are my feelings always put down or pushed away? Why is it that no matter who I talk to, I’m treated like I don’t matter, like my problems are nothing compared to what they’re going through? How is it fucking possible?

I am done. I’m done taking care of everyone in my life, because no one takes care of me, including me. I am going to be selfish, and only look out for myself because that’s all anyone does anyway.

I know, just because everyone’s jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean I should, too, but I am tired of being used and stepped on and thrown aside. I am done being picked last. I’m tired of being the one that gets all this shit handed to me and not getting any help, not even a fucking “please” or “thank you”. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter.

I matter. I’m a good person and no one fucking sees that and all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up to face this bullshit existence. It’s not fair anymore. This can’t be all that life has to offer, and I know that I have to make the most of it, but I can’t keep pushing through an endless pile of bullshit just to come out the other end and realize that I didn’t gain anything but aggravation.

Another Roadblock

Don’t you just love it when you feel motivated to do tons of work and then your virtual machine decided to act up and the repositories aren’t cloning properly? Me too! I already have problems focusing paired with anger issues and anxiety, so this just triggers the perfect trifecta!

I am doing my best to keep calm and not give my laptop swimming lessons. I need to step away from the virtual and physical machines for a while and maybe watch some TV. I just wanted to get some work done, and I guess that’s not written in the stars for me right now!

I hope everyone has a good and relaxing night! I will be here staring at my virtual machine, waiting for it to shut down!

Placing Blame

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.

For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.

“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.

I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.

I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.

The Truth

For the past few days, I’ve been extremely angry and I finally figured out why. I cannot stand fake people, and it pisses me off to know end when people say they care when they clearly don’t. Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang out with many people.

I’m naturally short-tempered and it physically hurts me when I’m around fake people; I don’t have the patience for it. If you don’t like me, fine, but don’t act like you do. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest. Yeah, it’ll sting a bit but not as much as a lie.

I am under too much stress to deal with this, and I can barely function as it is. I have maybe three people in my life that I trust with my life, but that’s it.

I hope everyone has a good day, and hopefully I’ll calm down as the hours pass.

Just Like That

I was relaxed, not fully but I was getting there. My allergies are acting up, and I have a headache that’s so painful that it’s becoming difficult to focus.

I have a terrible temper, which I am desperately trying to gain control over. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I’ve been angry for so long, that the smallest things in existence, that most people wouldn’t notice, set me off. My anger isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’m playing the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability.

Due to my anger problem, I get headaches a lot because I tend to think and over-think situations that don’t matter; for some reason, I find the importance in everything that happens around me and sometimes it’s good, but a lot of the times it’s not. I am constantly stressed by myself and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost the battle to my mind.

I’m tired of being like this.