Tag: realization

It Needs to be Said

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I was having a good week until my thoughts crept back. Unfortunately, these thoughts actually made me realize a lot. I’m hurt and sad and tired, and I don’t even know where to begin.

I came to terms with the fact along time ago that you can’t please everyone, and not everyone will like you. I also understand that not everyone will care as much as I do, but that doesn’t stop me from caring… well, for the most part. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it makes my social life a bit hectic.

For a couple of weeks, I started to pay attention to who I spoke to on a regular basis and how the conversations went, and I figured out a lot. I then thought back to a ton of other conversations I’ve had with people I held close to me, and I found out what a lot of those interactions, old and new, have in common: I would be the one to initiate the conversation a majority of the time. This doesn’t go for everyone I speak with, but the ones that this happens with… fuck.

I then started trying to make excuses for it, my go-to coping mechanism for things like this, but then I stopped. I can’t keep making excuses and trying with people who don’t want to try with me. I have spent too much time crying and blaming myself and feeling like all I would ever be is the backup friend or the last resort.

Right now, my mental state isn’t exactly stable right now, but I keep pushing forward because I want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m enough, and that’s where I’m stuck.

For those of you who do make the small effort of just reaching out to say hello, know that your gesture is beyond appreciated and something that I hold close. Even if we just talk about bullshit or send pictures back and forth, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I know I’m not the best at keeping up with people, but I try.

I can’t keep letting people hurt me and not say anything, because it has gotten to a point that all I want is a hug, but I don’t want anyone near me because I’m so tired of being left behind.

I love you all. Please reach out to those you care about because they might not know anyone cares, and that message could change their entire perspective.

A Lesson

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The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.

I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.

There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.

I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.

Trusting

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Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I don’t know who to trust, but this time I’m handling it differently. I’m hurt, yes, and I do feel abandoned but I’m not stopping myself from saying what I need to say. In fact, it’s making me talk more.

I’ve learned that everyone talks, no matter how good of a person they might be. The thing is, I don’t want anyone else telling my story until I’ve had a change to tell it myself, no matter how short the story is. I am trying to be as transparent about who I am and what I go through, even if I get judged mercilessly. At least if I’m the one telling my story, I am being judged for what actually happened and not some twisted version of it.

I don’t care if anyone likes me. There’s plenty of people out there that don’t like and many more that hate me. To be honest, I’m not too fond of myself but I’m starting to grow on me. I don’t need people to like me, but I would prefer them to dislike me for the truth than like me for a lie.

One Down

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I survived my first day at work. My legs and feet are killing me, and I’m surprisingly wide awake. There were a few bumps in the road, but I pushed through and I made it across the finish line!

I was so nervous, and then when I got there I pretty much jumped right into it, with some help of course. I’m not going to lie, there were times where I wanted to go hide in the bathroom and cry, but I’m happy I stuck with it. Not only did I get through my first day, it didn’t scare me off like it probably would have others.

I realized that not only did I get through my first day, but that I’m capable of standing on my own two feet with a smile on my face and enough confidence to keep going. I have a support team, but now I can say that I can actually rely on myself.

I rewarded myself with an $11 bottle of wine, and now I’m going to watch some videos until I pass out. I hope everyone had a great day, and has the strength to keep fighting a good fight!

Getting Back on the Horse

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As of late, a lot of chapters in my life have come to an end and I am now left with a huge blank space to start writing the next passage. I realize now how much I’ve lost my way, which is why I’m going to make a true effort to get back to where I was.

A couple of years ago, I wanted to get into streaming games. I never got around to it, and as more time passed, I just dropped the idea. I am extremely socially awkward, but I figured this could have been a way to get me out of my shell. I’ve decided once I get my desk cleared off and get some of my work done, that I’m going to dive in and try it. Why not? I have nothing to lose and it could be really fun!

Then I started to think about all the other projects I let slip through my fingers. I need to start doing everything I want to do, even if nothing comes of it. I am tired of having regrets and what ifs. I am too young not to do all these things.

“Friends”

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In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.

This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.

I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.

I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Deep Breaths

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Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

 

Giving Up

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Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

The Truth

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For the past few days, I’ve been extremely angry and I finally figured out why. I cannot stand fake people, and it pisses me off to know end when people say they care when they clearly don’t. Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang out with many people.

I’m naturally short-tempered and it physically hurts me when I’m around fake people; I don’t have the patience for it. If you don’t like me, fine, but don’t act like you do. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest. Yeah, it’ll sting a bit but not as much as a lie.

I am under too much stress to deal with this, and I can barely function as it is. I have maybe three people in my life that I trust with my life, but that’s it.

I hope everyone has a good day, and hopefully I’ll calm down as the hours pass.

My Way

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Today was riddled with panic attacks and getting lost in my thoughts. I got to thinking about the problems I face and the people I have crossed paths with. I try to take something good away from all my interactions, but that’s not always the case. I have a habit of attracting people who are far from aligning with me and I don’t realize it until I’m too deep.

Fortunately, I have been able to realize that I’ve gained strength from all of my bad experiences. Not all of my bad experiences are life-shattering, but they all leave their marks. Some of these times in my life fade without a trace except for the memory of them, while others continue to try to find their way back into my life. Due to my anxiety, I have gained paranoia and constantly feel like I’m under a microscope.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be 100% honest, which I still try to do but I sensor myself and avoid certain topics. I have my reasons for keeping certain things private, one of them being that I don’t want to cause drama. I just wish I could write in length about the good things without shit hitting the fan.

The one thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I am truly happy and I’m not going to let these people hold me back. I’m an open book, and I want to share my story with the world no matter what it takes. Starting tomorrow, I will be heading in another new direction with Rooplixoo and I am confident that it will be okay.