One Down

I survived my first day at work. My legs and feet are killing me, and I’m surprisingly wide awake. There were a few bumps in the road, but I pushed through and I made it across the finish line!

I was so nervous, and then when I got there I pretty much jumped right into it, with some help of course. I’m not going to lie, there were times where I wanted to go hide in the bathroom and cry, but I’m happy I stuck with it. Not only did I get through my first day, it didn’t scare me off like it probably would have others.

I realized that not only did I get through my first day, but that I’m capable of standing on my own two feet with a smile on my face and enough confidence to keep going. I have a support team, but now I can say that I can actually rely on myself.

I rewarded myself with an $11 bottle of wine, and now I’m going to watch some videos until I pass out. I hope everyone had a great day, and has the strength to keep fighting a good fight!

Getting Back on the Horse

As of late, a lot of chapters in my life have come to an end and I am now left with a huge blank space to start writing the next passage. I realize now how much I’ve lost my way, which is why I’m going to make a true effort to get back to where I was.

A couple of years ago, I wanted to get into streaming games. I never got around to it, and as more time passed, I just dropped the idea. I am extremely socially awkward, but I figured this could have been a way to get me out of my shell. I’ve decided once I get my desk cleared off and get some of my work done, that I’m going to dive in and try it. Why not? I have nothing to lose and it could be really fun!

Then I started to think about all the other projects I let slip through my fingers. I need to start doing everything I want to do, even if nothing comes of it. I am tired of having regrets and what ifs. I am too young not to do all these things.

“Friends”

In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.

This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.

I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.

I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Deep Breaths

Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

 

Giving Up

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

The Truth

For the past few days, I’ve been extremely angry and I finally figured out why. I cannot stand fake people, and it pisses me off to know end when people say they care when they clearly don’t. Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang out with many people.

I’m naturally short-tempered and it physically hurts me when I’m around fake people; I don’t have the patience for it. If you don’t like me, fine, but don’t act like you do. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest. Yeah, it’ll sting a bit but not as much as a lie.

I am under too much stress to deal with this, and I can barely function as it is. I have maybe three people in my life that I trust with my life, but that’s it.

I hope everyone has a good day, and hopefully I’ll calm down as the hours pass.

My Way

Today was riddled with panic attacks and getting lost in my thoughts. I got to thinking about the problems I face and the people I have crossed paths with. I try to take something good away from all my interactions, but that’s not always the case. I have a habit of attracting people who are far from aligning with me and I don’t realize it until I’m too deep.

Fortunately, I have been able to realize that I’ve gained strength from all of my bad experiences. Not all of my bad experiences are life-shattering, but they all leave their marks. Some of these times in my life fade without a trace except for the memory of them, while others continue to try to find their way back into my life. Due to my anxiety, I have gained paranoia and constantly feel like I’m under a microscope.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be 100% honest, which I still try to do but I sensor myself and avoid certain topics. I have my reasons for keeping certain things private, one of them being that I don’t want to cause drama. I just wish I could write in length about the good things without shit hitting the fan.

The one thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I am truly happy and I’m not going to let these people hold me back. I’m an open book, and I want to share my story with the world no matter what it takes. Starting tomorrow, I will be heading in another new direction with Rooplixoo and I am confident that it will be okay.

Words

Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

A Step in the Right Direction

On January 29, 2018, Paige put a white board on her wall! Not just any white board… a white board with her new routine on it! I probably woke up an hour ago, but my sleep schedule will eventually get better as I follow this routine. I’m not too worried about getting my sleep on track just yet, I just want to have a set of tasks for each day.

On Saturday, I got to see my second cousin, second cousin-in-law, and I finally got to meet my adorable third cousins! It was really fun and I can’t wait to see them again. Sunday, unfortunately, my depression and anxiety went into high gear and I slept all day. I am still a bit shaky and out of it right now, but I’m going to try to work through it.

Back to the board… I have listed everything that I need to do, and things I need to remember to do throughout the day and the week. I will try to set up a habit tracker today, but that’s not exactly at the top of my list.

After I get back from lunch, I will be settling down and getting to work. Since I woke up late, I don’t think I will be able to do a decent amount of work and get 16 lessons done in school, but I will try!

Even though my nerves are shot and my mind is in a million different places, I’m proud of myself. Just putting the board up on my wall is an achievement for me, and I need to remember that every little thing I get done is good.

The Final Draft

I had a productive day… in the sense that it wasn’t very productive at all! I walked around the house and thought about everything I need to do during the day, while I also neglect most of those things.

I start a bunch of projects, and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. From there, I get anxiety because nothing is getting done, and I get depressed; it’s a fucked up domino effect that needs to change. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of to-do’s and I’m either going to sink or swim… so I’ll try swimming!

When I started Rooplixoo, it was for the sole purpose of getting through all my makeup. Now, it’s taken on a mind of its own because I keep adding new goals. New goals are never a problem, except when they start to stack up and you end up watching 10 hours of videos and reach the end of the day feeling empty. I’m putting my foot down, because what I’m doing isn’t working anymore.

When I was younger, my mom created this beautiful board titled “The Eye Chart”. I am legally blind in my left eye, so when I was younger, the doctors told my parents that I had to wear these stick on eye patches and do exercises to strengthen the vision in my left eye. Now, not much has changed in the sense that I am a stubborn, pain-in-the-ass that marches to a different beat, but I do enjoy rewards and prizes. My mom created this chart and at the end of each week, I would get a prize. I think I got through about 2 weeks before it was retired, but I still continued to fill in all the days with stickers!

I will probably be up all night because I took a nap today, so tonight I will be putting my board together and working. Up above is a draft of what will go on the board. I have started so many things, that I need to remind myself to brush my teeth! I’m not proud of that, but the first step is admitting there’s a problem! I feel if I can get myself on a schedule and stick to it, I will either start to feel better or be so distracted that I won’t have time to feel bad.

I know it’s impossible to plan out every single day and have a perfect routine, but if I nail it at least 4 days out of the week, I’ll be beyond proud of myself. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. If I have to basically recreate The Eye Chart and reward myself for being a functional human being to get on track, then so be it!

Here’s to yet another new beginning!