Category: Life

How to Feel

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Hey, it’s been a while? How are you doing? How’s life? Me? Well, I’m okay, just a bit lost…

Last month, I got to meet my best friend. You know who he is. He helped me realize that I am a good person, and that what I went through isn’t my fault. How I handled it was bad, but I’m not a bad person.

A couple weeks ago, I ended up losing someone from my life that meant a great deal to me. This person was the first person I opened up to and also the first person I regret pushing out of my life. I know I hurt you, and it’s the biggest regret I have. I miss you, and I still care about you. You and I mirrored each other in humor and attitude. I don’t remember one call that we had that we didn’t laugh, even the last one had a couple of giggles… But as much as I hurt you, you hurt me. We both made promises that we didn’t keep, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry.

I cried for days after the night we said “I love you”, but not because I was happy… I was happy, but it’s what was said after that stung. I still loved you and would do anything for you. You were my best friend, and I still care. I was always loyal, up until you changed your relationship on Facebook. I was happy for you… That’s a lie, but I was happy you were happy. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I miss you, and I hate that I can’t say “Hi” anymore. The letter wasn’t meant to push you away or to hurt you, but it did and that’s my b. There’s a lot you and I have to talk about, and when you’re ready, you know how to reach me. I can’t promise it will be comfortable or even tolerable, but I need you to know what happened.

I know you will probably never see this, but if you do, I’m trying to be okay but it’s hard.

I’m trying my best right now, because we still walk under the same sun.

The Past Year or So…

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About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about two of my best friends. On October 25 of this year, I was lucky enough to meet one of them. He stayed here for two weeks, and it was truly amazing. We explored the city and finally got to hang out without having to worry about the internet going down.

But let’s go back to that post and work forward…

After I made that post, a lot changed in my life. The end of one relationship and the beginning of a new one, a new job, a better outlook on life, and then I got bad news. As every woman my age, we go to Gyno Land. At this appointment, I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children. I was absolutely devastated. I ended up falling into a deep depression and ending my wonderful relationship.

While dealing with depression and anxiety and pushing everyone I truly loved and care for away, I started drinking more and I made a huge mistake. I ended up getting in a relationship with someone who was terrible and before I knew it, he had cheated on me. I was alone again for a few months and then I saw the boy who I was head over heels for in a new relationship, so I decided to get back with the one who hurt me because I didn’t want to be alone.

It was okay for a while, but things got really bad. I found out that he got the other girl pregnant, but I still decided to stay. He had two kids already, and since I was told I couldn’t have any, that I could make it work. I was wrong.

I spent months with a man who used me as a free babysitter and as someone to vent to. All the while, I still continued to think about the good one and hoped everything was good for him. Instead of coming to my senses, I decided to force myself to love this man who was never good for me.

During the shit storm, I ended up moving and becoming a home owner. I got back into school for a bit and had time to work on my business. I thought maybe the move would make things better for my relationship and my lingering feelings for a past love, but it only made things harder.

Skip ahead to my birthday, and it ended up with me having a busted lip. That was the beginning of the end for me and him. I finally had enough of being treated like shit and hearing about the other girl. I left him and I started to heal on that front.

My depression worsened, though. Work put a huge strain on my mental health and I started to isolate myself again. One of my best friends, though, decided that after three years it was time to finally meet.

The past two weeks saved me because I was heading down a dark path. I was shutting down and he showed me that there are people out there that truly love and care about me. He didn’t make me feel like shit for being depressed, and made me truly feel like I have a place in this world.

It was bitter sweet because when I was told that terrible news, my best friend and love of my life was going to drop everything to come to me, to comfort me, and I pushed him away.

If you read this, and I don’t know if you will… I hope you know I still care about you greatly and I miss you terribly. Pushing you out of my life was the biggest mistake I ever made and I will eventually move on from it, but I will never forgive myself. I still consider you one of my best friends and I will still do anything for you. I will always have your back, and you will always have my support.

I love you all, and I hope more than anything that all of you at least have someone as great as my best friends. I am truly grateful.

Haven’t I Learned?

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There are many things that I’ve learned over the years. From looking both way before crossing the street, to chewing with my mouth closed. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I should have full control of my life and my feelings…

Oh wait, this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a walking, talking mess. I have control over very little, including myself. My feelings run rapid like a dog let off its leash. I have recently broken one of the golden rules when you become a working adult: don’t start liking one of your coworkers.

You can’t help who you fall for, hell knows I’m the poster child for that, but I tried so hard not to like anyone at my job because I was under the assumption that I wasn’t ready and that I could turn my feelings on and off like a light (this is where I went wrong… and I guess right). When you stop trying or looking for something, whatever it is will break down your door and climb right into your lap.

I have been a basket case lately due to work stress, and the added pressure of a middle school crush isn’t helping. I mean, it makes me happy because I am capable of feeling again after a terrible breakup, but it scares.

Do I know if he likes me back, or would even consider me? No, I honestly have no idea. Do I try and crush my feelings every chance that I get? I sure do, but it doesn’t work. All my friends say I should go for it, because life is too short and taking chances are apart of the experience, but I honestly have no idea how to go about it.

Let’s Ketchup!

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Hey, how have you guys been? It’s been a while! Me? Oh, I’m alright. I recently moved and I got a new job.

I am the new Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, and honestly, I love it so far. I really didn’t want to go back into food, but they’re right up he street and everyone I work with is amazing! Even the customers are great, which is rare in the service industry. Our location is currently undergoing renovations, which is why there’s a picture of me in a hardhat. The flower, however, is a different story.

This woman came through drive-thru while I was in back booth taking orders and money. She gave me the gardenia and we talked about flowers for a few minutes before she moved to the second window to get her food. I was so shocked by this small token of kindness, that I wore that flower in my hair and in my shirt pocket all day, and put it in some water when I got home.

Once I got out of back booth, I showed everyone on the floor my flower, and I was the happiest I’ve been in a while. It was such a simple and small thing, but it made my entire day, and I still smile thinking about this random woman who handed me a flower through a window.

There are a lot of assholes out there, but there’s also a lot of good people. I work with and serve a lot of the good ones. Even a car full of teenagers told me that my attitude made their day.

I hope all of you re doing well, I really do. If you go out today, maybe pick a few flowers to hand out. I know it made my day.

It’s Starting!

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Today marks the day that I start my CLI project for school. I never thought I would get to this point, but I am very excited to finally be here. I created a page, which will act like a diary of how I’m doing on the project, as well as my thoughts throughout the process.

I have finally gained enough control over my emotions that I’m using them to work for me instead of against me, and doing that was a major feat in itself and I’m beyond proud of it!

On top of this project, I will be getting back into blogging more regularly and I will be starting up my game streams again, so I will be extremely busy and productive!

A bit more of good news… I got a job! I will be starting on the 30th as a barista at the local coffee shop.

I am very happy with how my life is going right now, and I’m happy for staying put and getting to this point in my life. No, this isn’t where I imagined I would be when I was daydreaming about my life when I was in middle school, but I’m proud of the person I’ve become. I’m driven and smart, and I have so much that I want to do.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day/night, and I will see you all tomorrow!

For Myself

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Yesterday was a rough one, but I did realize a lot (on my own and with the help of others). I can’t say much without breaching my contract at work, but I will say that what transpired was, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. I have calmed down since the incident and here is what I’ve taken away from the whole thing:

  • I am not a bad person.
  • I am a wonderful employee and go above and beyond what is expected of me.
  • “You’re too beautiful to cry, and too good for this place.” — Wonderful Customer.

Most importantly, I’m not putting my future in jeopardy for a temporary job. I love my job and I take pride in everything I do and accomplish, but I have such a bad taste in my mouth now that I need to get back on the track of doing right by me.

Now that my mind is clear and I feel like I can breathe, I have one main goal in mind: finish school by my birthday (July 23). I am currently completing 50 lessons a week. I have 472 lessons left, which is about 10 weeks of work if I keep going at this pace. I know some of the labs I have to complete will take longer than that, but I have a little over 4 months before my deadline and I really think I can do this if I can avoid many issues and distractions.

I am proud of myself. I am smart, funny, and care a lot about those around me, but it’s time for me to put all of that energy towards myself and my goals.

I love you all. Here’s to the dark days ahead, and the many bright ones to come.

An Interesting Day

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Today was one of those days that I always feared… I was left alone with a child. Now, I’ve watched kids before and I adore children. Today was the first time that my mom wasn’t up the street.

The child in question is my boyfriend’s youngest. He is adorable and clever. He’s 3 years old and he’s good at it. I’ve watched him before along with his older brother, but I was worried that since I was going to be the only one there that he would be scared because the only thing that was truly familiar was the environment. Obviously, I’ve spent time with these boys and I’ve gotten to know them, but this was the first time it was just me and the little one.

We started off with a pizza party for two and watched Chiro, a children’s show about these chickens and their adventures. He watched it on and off but then quickly became bored with it.

We then moved onto nap time, which was awesome! Once he fell asleep, I dozed off for about 15-20 minutes before I heard this tiny voice shout, “Paige wake up!” So, I got up. Chiro was still playing and he went back to eating his pizza.

He then got a bit cranky and started throwing legos around. I tried telling him to stop, which didn’t work, so I did what and sensible person would do and put Barney on.

Now, I was raised on Barney so I looked up one of the tapes I used to watch and the minute the theme started playing, he sat down and stared at the screen. I was in shock. After I got home I told my mom about it and she said I used to do the same thing.

We were dancing and giggling for the hour it was on. It was probably the greatest thing I’ve ever gotten to do. It was so simple and it was fucking awesome.

Once it was over, I found a video compilation of a bunch of songs and we continued to dance, and even sing along. In this moment, I felt like I was on top of the world! It was awesome!

I was so scared that I would fuck up, or that the day would be full of crying (mostly on my part), but it was nice. I watched him as a favor, but I am so grateful that I got to spend the day with a really cool little kid!

A New Year?

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It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.

Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.

I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.

I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.

Dreaming

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To say I had a rough night emotionally is an understatement… Between the gloomy weather and everything that’s happening, my paranoia is peaking, and I’m doing my best to cope with it and stand on my own two feet to face it all. 

Do to the stress, I had a very strange dream. I was in my room, and there was pillow stuffing everywhere. I turned around and my teddy bear, the one I’ve had my entire life, was completely destroyed. I ended up having a mental breakdown and throwing everything I owned out the window. When I woke up, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Yes, I’m 23, but I love my bear. He has been with me through it all. Every move, every heartbreak, everything. It’s one of the few things that I have that bring me comfort and there’s nothing that could get me to get rid of him.

I feel like there’s a lump in the bottom of my throat, and my chest is tightening. I force myself to eat through my nausea and all I want is a hug and to be told that everything will be okay. 

I need everything to be okay.

A Lesson

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The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.

I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.

There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.

I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.