Confused and Lost

So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.

I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.

I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.

I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.

I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.

I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.

We’re Live!

Episode 1: A Short Introduction

Hey guys! It’s finally here: the first episode of the podcast! I’m super excited to share this with everyone, so if you listen, let me know what you think! It’s a bit short, but I will get the hang of talking to a screen eventually!

I will have this and future episodes available on here and Spotify, and will eventually branch out to other platforms.

Have a good one!

Starting Inside

Hey everyone! I hope all of you are doing well! I know these few months have been insane, but I’ve gotten a lot of thinking done since being stuck in the house since last month, and I can finally say that I might be okay.

One of the things I started thinking about was everything I wanted to do with Rooplixoo, and what I am able to do from my room. So, I bought a decent microphone and I’m going to actually give myself a voice. I’m going to start a podcast, and streaming games and see where it goes.

I’m really excited about getting this podcast started. I’ve been looking for a notebook all day so I could start writing out plans for different episodes. I already have a few ideas, but I want to do this the right way, so I need to take notes and flesh out my ideas so that I can produce decent content.

I know I haven’t been as active on here as I initially wanted to be, but now I have all the time in the world… for now. I will keep you guys posted, and hopefully I will have the first episode up by next week.

That’s it for now! I hope everyone is making the best of being inside. As for our essential friends out there, thank you so much for kicking ass and powering through!

Stay healthy and safe, and hopefully you guys will hear from me soon!

Absolutely No Time

I’m trying here, I really am. I just checked my punch card and it says I have a little over 97 hours for the pay period. I know, who complains about overtime? It’s only 17 hours, but I barely have time to breathe. This is being an adult: working, no social life, no down time, no nothing. I have no problem putting in extra work, or going above and beyond, but I’m sacrificing a lot and I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

I need a job, there’s no question about that. I just feel like I’m so far off from where I wanted to be in life and I don’t know how to even get back to where I need to be. I want to get back into this. I had so many plans for Rooplixoo – blog, streaming, videos, podcast, business – and I still do, but finding the time to do it is beyond difficult. I need this outlet, I need you guys, I need all of this.

I remember how happy I was when I got my first subscriber after my mom, and I was so taken away by the fact that my work was powerful enough to get someone to want to see more. I didn’t do this to become famous or popular, I did this for me. I have always been an outcast, and I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m not going to do anything hasty and quit my job to blog full-time, but I need to figure out a way to get my life to a point that I’m happy with it.

I still love you guys, and forever will.

Stay strong kids ♥

An Open Book

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.

New Year, New Me?

Yes, it’s the 12th of January and I’m just now making my New Year’s post. The end of 2019 and the first couple of weeks of 2020 have been very interesting, to say the least.

I got a new job at the beginning of December, and a long with that started the next chapter of my life. I am the night auditor at a hotel. It’s not the most exciting, but it gives me the opportunity to do my school work and actually be in a work environment that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out. I even have the time to write, which is what I’m doing right now.

The beginning of 2020 was mediocre at best, but I have no complaints. I did get to thinking, though, about what I truly want for myself and the next year of my life. One of the things that bothers me constantly is that I am alone. I have friends, but I never really feel like I fit in and I become drained as of late just thinking about going out… but I still try to stay in touch. With that being said, I’m not going to be the only one reaching out anymore. I can’t keep doing it. So, if anyone wants to get in touch with me, you can send me a message and I’ll get back to you when it’s convenient for me. I’m not mad or angry about it, but I just think it’s kind of ridiculous to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Something else that I want to be able to do is travel this year, so I need to get my license, passport and a map. I’m not spending another year going between work and home, with the occasional pit stop at a bar. For me, it’s extremely disappointing. I’ve been in this godawful place for too long and I need to get out.

I need to just be myself and live my life. At this point, no one seems to give a shit if they piss me off, use me, treat me like shit or flat out lie to my face, so I don’t give a shit if they need a shoulder to cry. Until it’s a two-way road, I’m not giving anything else. So, for me, it’s not “new year, new me”– it’s “new year, true me”.