The Early Hours of a Sleepless Mind

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all doing well! This isn’t going to be a normal post, as I have so many things I want to say, so this is just going to be a bunch of rambling and haphazardly pieced together thoughts… actually, this will be a normal post.

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve been happy and scared. I’ve made so many new friends; they’re so wonderful and I’m grateful to have them in my life. On the other end, I have people in my life that either no longer trust or that make it so I feel powerless in any situation that they’re involved in. I am strong, but I can’t help but fall back into my old habits and shut down.

The best part is that while all this is happening, my mind is muddied by a boy and I’m pretty sure I’ve driven my friends up a wall with how much I talk about it. I should just resort to writing his name in my school notebook and playing MASH at sleepovers. Even as I write this, my brain is an office whose filing cabinets just exploded everywhere and the power’s out.

Now that it’s 4:30AM and I have Steam Powered Giraffe blasting in my ears, I think I should remove my hands from the keyboard and go to bed.

I hope most of you are sleeping well, and the rest got enough sleep for a good day. I will be posting the podcast later today, so stay tuned for that!

…And Melancholy is the Nurse of Frenzy

Hello my friends. I hope everyone has gotten through the first week of December, and is spending the weekend as they wish. I unfortunately am in a fair bit of pain, so I’m resting and now writing because my mind is never at ease.

On top of the physical pain, my anxiety and depression decided to kick into overdrive. Last night, I was reminded (by myself) that I still had a dating profile up, so I did what anyone with a deadly curiosity would do and I started looking through those who swiped right on me. I forgot the insane the demands were listed on these profiles. Then I started thinking, though, maybe I’m the insane one. I mean, I’d sooner move to another country before I altered my appearance, and I would certainly not stay home and raise some fictitious family while I get dinner ready.

I guess my list would be a guy who I can joke with but also be able to hold a conversation with. Someone who wants to go on adventures, whether they be late night walks or in some game. One who understands that both of our projects and endeavors are equally important. As well, it would be nice to have someone to people watch with and create stories about who they are. Giggling all hours of the night and naps. With that being said, I guess my ideal partner would be a friend.

I’m a hopeless romantic with a twisted sense of humor. I’m awkward and terrible at exclaiming my thoughts and feelings. I will sooner tell someone that I like their face and want to smash it with mine, than just come out and say that I like them. I will use absolutely awful jokes, pickup lines, and fun facts. I’ve linked pinkies with people because I want to hold their hand but I’m too shy to do so and I don’t want them to feel obligated to hold mine.

I am fine being single, but I miss having talks about nothing and sharing stupid videos and songs with someone. I have wonderful people in my life that I am grateful for and would do anything for them, but I guess I’ve turned into a Hallmark movie where the holidays make you feel lonely and come New Years Eve, the magical script writer throws in a happily ever after and the credits roll. I don’t want a happily ever after, not yet anyway, I just don’t want to be alone.

Now that I’ve gotten that written down, I guess I go back to listening to music and playing Minecraft while breathing through the pain. I love you all so much. The podcast will be back on the 8th, so I will talk to you guys then!

Stay well!

New Friends and Old Habits

Happy Sunday everyone! I hope you guys had a wonderful week, and for those of you state side, a happy Thanksgiving! We are in the 11th hour of 2020, and I’m sure we’re all relieved to have made it to this point and excited to see what 2021 brings us! So let’s just dive into what’s been happening on my end and what you guys can expect moving forward!

In my last post, I mentioned that I had a crush on someone and was finally able to close a chapter that I thought would never end. I’m terrible at reading situations and people, but I’m just going to let it run its course and whether or not something happens, everything will be fine!

Next on the agenda, I have made a few new friends! They are crazy and extremely blunt, and I am honestly happy to have met them and can’t wait to see what insanity ensues. Before this year, I really hadn’t added anyone to my circle since college, so having new stories to hear and old stories to share has been overwhelming and wonderful. With that being said, I’m hoping that a few of them might show their faces (or their voices) on December 1st.

What is December 1st, you might ask? Well, it’s the 3rd birthday of Rooplixoo! Back in 2017, I wanted to start a blog about getting my shit together and being the person I wanted to be. We are now 3 years in, and I am doing pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do, and I’m happy.

Enough about me, though. Let’s get into what you guys will be getting! On December 1st at 3PM EST, I will be doing a 12-hour stream over on twitch to celebrate 3 years of this ever-growing project. On December 8th, the podcast will be returning! I am super excited to be able to do this again and to have new people on the show! Next on December 29th, we will be celebrating 6 months of streaming! Finally, on December 31st, I will be smoking my last cigarette. I have been smoking since I was 19 and I’m sick of it.

This year has definitely one for the books, but a lot of good has come out of it. Here’s to the last month of the year! We fucking made it!

A Turn of Events

Good morning everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful week. My sleep schedule has been finicky as of late, but I believe it to be due to some very interesting events over the past week, and what better way to process it all than to write it on a public platform for all to see! Also, I see we have a few new faces, and I would like to welcome you to Rooplixoo!

I used this year to build and reflect, as well as come to terms with certain chapters from my past. One chapter I struggled to finish was one of an old flame. Two years ago, I walked away from what I thought was my whole world. Since then, I haven’t really felt much for the gentlemen callers who would try and charm me. I thought I was bound to be alone because I couldn’t feel what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t feel butterflies or had a crush. I now realize how ridiculous that sounds.

Recently, I got a weird twinge in my whole body that can only be diagnosed as girl brain. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience – just floating along and enjoying life. I honestly feel like I’m back in school, looking across the room and daydreaming, only to be snapped back to reality when the bell rings. What I’m trying to say is that my eye has been caught, and I’m extremely happy because I now know that I’m capable of feeling something.

Do I know if anything will come from this? No, but that’s okay. Whether something happens or not, I’m just happy that I have finally moved on (and between me and all of you, he’s not an asshole, so I also broke that cycle)! My heart has been freed to beat strong and proud once again, and nothing compares to how I feel right now. I will say this, because I always feel the need to clarify, I am not in love, just a small crush that I’m leaning into because it’s been a while since I’ve been able to enjoy this feeling.

Last night, I listened to “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat for the first time in a while, and I was able to do so without feeling anything ill. I will always love him and think of him fondly, but I am finally able to wake up and be okay. Hands will still be weird, and that’s probably my b, but it will all be okay. My tomorrow finally came!

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and keep pushing through the shit! I love you all, and will see you soon!

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

Wow, who would have thought that I would put a Shakespeare quote on my blog, never mind put it in a title. The quote will make sense in a moment, but first.. Hello everyone, it’s me. How are you? I wish I could say I’m doing well and that everything is grand, but the truth is that 2020 has been a shitshow for everyone and it just keeps going.

In my last post, I was talking about a lot of the plans I had for Rooplixoo. I’m still going through with all of those, and nothing will hold me or this whole thing back. There have been a lot of hiccups along the way, especially over the past couple of weeks and I’m taking some time to process everything that has happened, but we will overcome whatever heads in our direction.

I think everyone here realizes that in terms of fight or flight, I walk the fine line between the two and veer off into fight every once in a while. Honestly, I am so tired of fighting but it’s better than lying down and giving up. As for the title, I’m tired of not speaking up as much as I should. This lady is going to protest as much as she damn well pleases. I am a basket case on a mission, armed with knowledge and the will to keep going.

I can say for a fact that I have killed off a lot of my braincells trying to get a point across to mind-numbingly dense people, but I keep going in hopes that I might be heard or at least make someone think.

Now to bring this post home – I am going to protest to my heart’s content; my parents raised a fool, not a bitch. I am a good person. I know a lot more than I lead on. I am my own person. I will not be blamed for situations that I was not aware of. I am strong and capable, and will rise from the ashes of my past. I am me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I love you all. I’m not okay right now; I’ve gone through the motions of losing and starting over, but I will be okay. You have all given me the power to find the strength within myself to keep going. It’s not always easy. I’m a magnet for bullshit (I swear it’s hereditary), but I’m not going to sit here and be scared or ashamed of being myself… not anymore.

A Fresh Start

It’s been a while, and I’ve missed you all dearly. I’m sorry for taking such long breaks between posts, but no longer. I have a lot going on but November will be the month where I get my shit together.

The past couple of months have been exciting, stressful, depressing, and draining. I’ve gone through a roller coaster of emotions, and I’m currently in a questioning anger mood. Recently, I learned I was betrayed and blindsided by someone in my life. I had my mental state questioned and it derailed me for a moment, but then I looked back on every interaction and realized that I had fallen into the same fucking pattern that I had been in before. I’m done. I can’t keep being someone’s pawn and I’m not going to. I’m not going to be questioned when I’m dissociating or have manipulation attempts made when my mania hits. I’m standing on my own two feet, and I’ll start kicking and fighting back if I have to.

This month, I’m turning around and starting a new relationship with myself. I deserve to be happy and excited, and the bullshit that keeps popping up is taking away from what I want and need to focus on. I finally got to act on a dream on mine, and I’m going all in on it. I’m so proud of what I’ve accomplished this year and to let people and life get in the way of my path is just ridiculous.

So, to get this fresh start going, I’ve started to really clean up my stream and make it look the way I want it, and I’ve even made merch! Everything on that front is going so well which motivates me to keep going. I’ve been touched by so many of you who have supported me and I want to continue to give back to all of you.

I’ve also started writing my book again. I have the introduction and first chapter done, and I would like to have it finished by late February/early March. I want to introduce you guys to who I am when I’m not playing games or writing posts like this.

Another part of moving forward is the podcast will be coming back in December! I started getting overwhelmed with everything I started so the podcast got put on the backburner, but it is making it’s return! I’m going to be bringing new people on and it’s going to be a blast!

I’m so excited to have the opportunity to do this, and nothing is going to get in the way anymore! I love you all so much, and I hope you are all as excited as I am for this year to end! If you want to hang out or get updates more frequently, head on over to my discord! It’s not the busiest server, but we have fun!

Alright, time for me to get my day started and I will see you all soon!

Podcast and Project Update

Hello everyone! I hope everyone has had a wonderful week and is going strong! My week has been alright, just taking it day by day. I just needed some time to clear my mind. This year has given all of us plenty of time to think and make needed adjustments.

I normally upload my podcast today (Thursday), but I really didn’t have the energy to record an episode this week. For those of you who don’t know, I am a streamer on twitch (link goes to my channel). I go live Monday, Wednesday, Friday and possibly Saturday around 11PM EST. This week was filled with collaborations with some really great people which will be getting a post of their own! Being an introvert, though, has caused my social battery to run extremely low and I forgot to leave a bit of juice left for the podcast. What I’m going to to is move the podcast to Sunday, which will give me plenty of time during the week to recharge and make the content that I want to make. I will also be uploading the podcast to youtube, so click the think and follow there if you want to listen on there. There’s one highlight video from the stream on there, so the podcast episodes will be easy to find! As well, for anyone interested, I will be starting to upload the stream VODs to yotube, as well!

Moving on to the next topic, I am going to be contacting an artist to help me redesign everything (logos, panel images, between scene stuff, etc.). I know I have been saying for a while that I would be giving Rooplixoo a facelift, but the time has finally come that it’s being put in motion. I honestly don’t know what direction I want to go in, but I’m sure once I sit down with someone that has actual artistic talent, we’ll be able to figure something out!

Moving back to the stream, I am up to 132 followers which is absolutely amazing! I started on June 29 of this year and hit affiliate on July 17 after 9 streams! I honestly thought I wasn’t going to be even remotely close to affiliate until next year. If anyone would have told me I would have accomplished this much in such a short period of time, I wouldn’t have believed them! I am truly grateful for everyone who has supported and pushed me during this whole thing. I have met some amazing people so far, and I hope to continue to grow and meet these wonderful souls. With everything going on in the world, this is the light I needed to keep going. Thank you.

As always, if any of you need a place to feel like you belong, someone to talk to, or to make new friends to play games with, head on over to my discord where you’ll be welcomed with open arms! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see you soon! ♥

Dear Whoever You Are

Dear Whoever You Are,

                You know who you are… maybe you do not. I thought I knew you but all I knew was who I was hoping for you to be because I couldn’t stand the fact that I mean nothing to you.

I spent years caring and worrying, and I would never change that, but I finally realized that I never crossed your mind, not a single thought unless you needed something. I’m heartbroken and I refuse to let myself be hurt by you anymore.

We used to sit there and talk about how we needed to stick together because there has been so much loss in our lives, but when it came down to it… when I asked for only a few minutes of your times because I felt safe and trusted you, you threw it out the window; your silence spoke volumes.

I’m sure if I reached out and we spoke, I would get the same regurgitated story I’ve gotten for so many years. I know you have a lot going on, but so do I. I always made it a point, no matter what was going on with me, to make sure you were okay and always had someone to talk to. Come rain or shine, I supported you. All I needed to hear was that I was going to be okay.

I worked through it on my own. I was panicked and scared, and on top of everything else, abandoned. I can’t trust you anymore, and now I don’t trust my judgement of others.

All I needed was a friend, and all I wanted was to know that I mattered. So now I sit here, writing this letter that I know you will never read, trying to feel better.

I want to thank you, though, for not caring and for setting me free. I want to thank you for giving me clarity and letting me see who you truly are. I thought I could move past it, and I can, just without you.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in life.

— Whoever I Become.