Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned something amazing: I’m meant to be seen, but not heard. I’m meant to sit there and this to the world’s problems, but not have any of my own because they’re not as important. They become important when someone else has the same problem, but then it’s no longer my problem because it’s not as bad for me as it is for them. This isn’t geared at anyone specific, just everyone I encounter.
It’s fucking bullshit, but that’s life. From now on, I will only have a voice on here because it’s my blog. It makes me feel better and no one has to read what I write if they don’t want to.
For the rest of the week, possibly the rest of the year, I will be limiting my interactions with others. I will continue to blog and stream, but I have no reason to continue to put myself in the position I’m in. For the rest of 2018, it’s about me.
Last night into early this morning, I wrote a post about how I’m getting back on my original path, but my depression is tagging along. That post was sugar-coated. I am getting back to who I was and my depression is coming back, but I didn’t share all of it. This post will be about everything that I’m going through.
I am back in school full time, and I’m happy about that. What I’m not happy about is that I have to stay up all fucking night because someone in my house decided to adopt a fucking dog and not train it. So the only times the dog isn’t howling is at night. So now, I have gone back to my original sleep schedule so I can get my work done. But now that I’m staying up all night and sleeping all day, I’m sacrificing my time with people I care about, such as my boyfriend. So let’s move onto that point.
I have a boyfriend and he makes me happy. I love spending time with him and he makes me feel safe. Do I love him? I’m starting to fall for him, yes, but I will never fucking say those three words; every time I fall for someone, I end up falling on my face. I repress my feelings and thoughts so then when I end up alone and forgotten, I don’t hurt as much. It’s no way to live life, but that’s how it is.
Now for the reason I’m writing all of this. I literally have no one that I can truly vent to. Everyone bitches to me about every little thing that happens to them, but I get about 5 minutes until they either say they don’t want to talk about it or I end up saying something that reminds them of something that they want to bitch about. So, here I am, venting to strangers on the internet, because I can’t get an appointment with a psychiatrist and I don’t know what else to do.
I made a promise on this blog long ago to be as transparent as possible, so here’s the truth: I hate what I go through just to live, but what I’m going through isn’t truly living. I know everyone goes through this, and it’s not that big of a deal, but I literally lost my life when I moved here and now I have to fight to get it back.
Things have slowly been getting back to normal for me. I’m back in school full time, and I’m actually getting sleep. My mind isn’t as cluttered and I’m finally getting to my list of to-dos that I’ve been putting off. I completed my first stream; I played Minecraft with a couple of friends and it went really well. I finally feel like I’m getting back to who I am.
Unfortunately, settling back into who I am comes with complications… My depression is coming back at full force. Each day is a battle, so I’ve gotten back into staying up all night, going to sleep at around 8AM and waking up at around 3PM. I’m spacing out more and my chest is constantly tight.
I have people in my life, but I feel completely alone. I am completely alone. I refuse to let anyone in past the surface. I create these illusions for myself and others so I can pretend that everything is wonderful and fine. The truth is that I feel empty and all I’m doing is forcing myself to do what I need to do.
I keep going, though… I keep trying and pushing.
Well, I just got the e-mail that Rooplixoo has been renewed for another year! I’ve come a long way since I started this blog, but I didn’t end up where I thought I would by this time. I had all these ideas and dreams of what I would be doing now in life and how I would feel. Even though a lot has changed, I’m still the same person I was.
I have grown and learned a few more lessons along the way, but I’m still me. I still do crazy shit with my hair and space out for hours at a time. I can’t fix my sleep schedule for the life of me and I hoard candy in my room. The one thing that I’m still happy that I have, though, is this need to take on anything and everything. As stressed and angry as I get, I still want to conquer what’s thrown my way.
It’s been close to a year since I made my first blog post and, no, I don’t have as many posts on here as I would have liked and I haven’t made a single video, but I’m happy with it and that’s all that matters.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to do what you want to do, as long as you’re still trying to do it. I will keep pushing forward and even if I slow down, I won’t stop.
I love you all, and thank you so much for the support!
To say I had a rough night emotionally is an understatement… Between the gloomy weather and everything that’s happening, my paranoia is peaking, and I’m doing my best to cope with it and stand on my own two feet to face it all.
Do to the stress, I had a very strange dream. I was in my room, and there was pillow stuffing everywhere. I turned around and my teddy bear, the one I’ve had my entire life, was completely destroyed. I ended up having a mental breakdown and throwing everything I owned out the window. When I woke up, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Yes, I’m 23, but I love my bear. He has been with me through it all. Every move, every heartbreak, everything. It’s one of the few things that I have that bring me comfort and there’s nothing that could get me to get rid of him.
I feel like there’s a lump in the bottom of my throat, and my chest is tightening. I force myself to eat through my nausea and all I want is a hug and to be told that everything will be okay.
I need everything to be okay.
I would like to start off by apologizing for leaving again without saying a word; I promise I didn’t leave to run home and use the bathroom again… I’m very scared right now, and fragile. I feel like I can’t stop shaking and all I want is to feel safe again. You help with that. You comfort me and make me feel that everything will be okay.
Unfortunately, my mind got the best of me tonight. I feel like a burden to everyone around me, like everything I do just makes things worse. I started to cry, and I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. I left because I didn’t want to wake you. I left tonight because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to scare you.
I want you to know this now: I care about you in ways that confuse the shit out of me, and I like it. I like how no matter how mad or upset I am, being around you makes me want to try and let the pain subside. You’re probably one of the strangest people I’ve met, and just as strange, if not more so.
It’s been a week since you asked me, and a few months since we met. You have given me the strength and the will to be myself, even if I’m being annoying. I would also like to add a fun fact about myself: I keep track of time and dates because it helps with my memory, not because I’m creepy… okay, I’m creepy but not that creepy.
Thank you for not letting me slip through the cracks. Thank you for continuing to stand by me and all my insanity. Thank you for being as fucked up as you are.
The past week had some ups and downs, but the good outweighs the bad. I learned something that I wish I had known years ago; it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I learned that just because you let people into your life, it doesn’t mean you owe them you entire life. What I mean is that I would constantly try to take care of new friends but they weren’t there for me on the same level. I would end up turning into a shoulder to cry on and if all else failed, I was the backup plan.
There are very few people who I would give my all and more to, and that’s because they don’t expect it. I would do anything for these few to see them smile, even if it means I have to leave them alone.
I was spread too thin, lost my way and was unable to feel like I was enough. I’m making my way back now, and even though it’s beyond difficult, I’m not doing it alone.
Yesterday marks the day that got demoted from husband to girlfriend (will go into that in another post). It was a fun night filled with Monopoly and wine, and I was surprisingly not completely awkward. It was nice.
Today marks the day that my OCD brought me to tears because the system I have in place in my notebook is being derailed by new lessons and new sections being added to existing lessons. It’s bad enough that I had to create an addendum with a whole new system for that, but now I have to rearrange my notebook to add the new sections in. I called my mom hysterical because I ended up having a panic attack. She was able to calm me down with the promise of a trip to Target to get a binder so I can rebuild my notebook to suit the needs of the new materials.
I’m going to take the rest of the day off so I can start with a clear mind tomorrow. I’m going to focus on last night and my cats, and get through the next two hours until my mom gets home.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day.
Yesterday into last night, I had the talk… not the sex talk (I’m a bit too old for that). This talk was about feelings. Before I get into the bulk of it, I will tell you a story about the last time I was really confronted with my feelings and it was a bit of a horror story.
I was 12, and I was good at it. I was awkward and bitchy and just started to really hate my body. The joys of puberty! Now, I had a crush on this boy in my class for a while, and being the shy girl that I was, there was no way in hell that I was going to say anything. Eventually, it ended up coming out on the playground and my secret spread like wildfire. I was so mortified and upset that I didn’t go back to school for a few days. In my absence, things only got worse, as they do in middle school.
Fast forward to last night… I have since gotten over that day in 7th grade, but I’m still awkward and uncomfortable with talking about my feelings and will shy away. My heart was pounding and I’m pretty sure every butterfly in existence got nice and comfortable in my tummy. Writing about it now, I’m still nervous and freaking out.
Last night, I grew a pair for about 5 seconds, said how I feel the good feelings and then made the whole thing awkward and acted like a freak, as I do. I’m happy, believe me, I am, but I am a wreck because I just am. I can be loud and outgoing about the most ridiculous things, but the minute the question, “Do you like me?” is asked, I lose all sense of how to act like a human being.
Like I said, I’m happy, I just hate that I’m in a constant state of blushing and not making eye contact.
Last night, I ended up having this really deep conversation with a friend of mine… well, it was more of me crying and him talking. I will not go into detail just yet about what the conversation was about, mostly because I’m too lazy to write all of it out.
I spent the rest of the night staring at a wall going over everything that was said, and I still am. There was one thing that was brought up that I can’t shake, and I don’t know why. So, I’ve decided that I will be writing about it, but not on here. I will be attempting to write a book (again).
I know there’s an endless list of people who write stories and get published, but I finally feel like I have something that I can write about. The most common piece of advice I’ve been given about writing is to write what I know about, but I’m not doing that with this book. I’m going to be writing about one thing in particular that I don’t know, and I think that’s why I’m so driven to write about it.
At some point, if and when I get far enough into the book, I will be drawing up short surveys that I will be posting on here, as well as in local coffee shops, so I can gain perspective from all walks of life.