I’m Sorry

Tonight, I ran away. It was just up the street, but I left with the intention of leaving from there. I packed a bag and grabbed everything I could possibly need but, in reality, I had nothing.

I want to apologise to everyone I’ve hurt. I’m a bad daughter, friend, girlfriend in the past and, most of all, person. I feel like a burden and all I want to do is keep running. I’ve run out of places to hide, so all I can do is expose myself, and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for those I have hurt. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain that I’ve caused. Most of all, I’m sorry that I exposed those around me to my pain instead of fixing myself before putting myself out there.

I’m sorry that I’m like this, and I’m sorry if I never change. I will keep moving forward, but I’m going on autopilot.

Too Distracted

I hate when I have days off because then I can stay up all night thinking. I can’t stand facing myself, so I try to stay as busy as I can. I go into work on my days off so I don’t sit in my room all day, sleeping for hours on end. I force myself to live on 3 hours of sleep a day so I’m too tired to process everything that’s going on around me. I drink with the goal of maybe catching a glimpse of who I used to be. Unfortunately, I’m alone and I now have to face myself. I have to cry and scream and forget that the pain will stop one day… but only for a while.

I don’t remember how to cope because I’ve been too busy. I barely functioning, and I’m leading a life of lies. I’m not who I was, but I pretend to be. I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I’m broken, heart and all. Every time I have the chance to start over, I either fuck it up or I don’t take the chance at all.

I’ve been desperately trying to push everyone away, because I’ve lost so much in my life that I can’t stand to lose anymore. All I want to do is disappear; to some people, probably most, I already have.

I can’t be distracted anymore, but I can’t stand to face this heartbreak. I’m slowly shutting down and maybe, for now, that’s for the best.

Goodnight.

Trusting

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I don’t know who to trust, but this time I’m handling it differently. I’m hurt, yes, and I do feel abandoned but I’m not stopping myself from saying what I need to say. In fact, it’s making me talk more.

I’ve learned that everyone talks, no matter how good of a person they might be. The thing is, I don’t want anyone else telling my story until I’ve had a change to tell it myself, no matter how short the story is. I am trying to be as transparent about who I am and what I go through, even if I get judged mercilessly. At least if I’m the one telling my story, I am being judged for what actually happened and not some twisted version of it.

I don’t care if anyone likes me. There’s plenty of people out there that don’t like and many more that hate me. To be honest, I’m not too fond of myself but I’m starting to grow on me. I don’t need people to like me, but I would prefer them to dislike me for the truth than like me for a lie.

An Update

I finally did it…. I bought a laptop just for writing. It will be used for this blog and any other writing projects I start. I have all my folders set up and logged in to all the accounts I will need. I’m happy that I did it. I don’t even feel guilty about buying it. I was going to wait until my next paycheck, but fuck it. Life’s too short to keep waiting and putting things off.

In other news, I made a list of short-term and long-term goals. Once I get it semi-finalized, I will make a post about it.

I promise I won’t let Rooplixoo crumble, I just needed some time to figure out how to get back into it.

I love you all.

Smoke and Mirrors

The following is an open letter. I will not state who this is for, but I think this can be directed towards a lot of people..

I thought a lot about what happened (about 14 times), and why everything happened the way it did. I realize that not everything goes to plan or how we hope, but that’s life.

Nothing in my life has gone to plan, and not all of it was pleasant, but for a short time, it was fun. I thought I had a friend, but I thought wrong. I do have friends, just not you… not now, anyway.

I feel weird. I’m not exactly sad or upset, just a bit bummed. I learned my lesson, though. I learned that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be avoided like I have some deadly disease. I learned that I’m funny and smart and that I don’t need the shit I’m handed everyday. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong, and the petty shit isn’t going to keep me down.

I’m not playing the game anymore. Maybe someday, I’ll see you as a friend but, for now, I’m the only one I care about.

See you later.

Starting Over

I know I haven’t written on here in a while, and for that I apologize. My depression, as well as, work and school have taken over my life, but I finally had time to sit down and write. This won’t be a happy post, but it’s something…

Tonight, I decided that I am done with pretty much everyone. I am tired of the bullshit and the lying and I honestly don’t care. I can’t continue to care about people who just use me. From this point forward, it’s about what I want and need, and what will make me happy. I will be nice, but don’t think for a second that me being kind means I’m your friend. Don’t think for a second that I’m getting stuck in the webs you spin and don’t even consider asking me if I’m alright, because I know you don’t care.

I am tired, physically and emotionally, and it’s not fair anymore.

I hope everyone has a goodnight.

Long Time, No See

Hey guys, it’s been a while! I want to start off by apologizing for not writing everyday like I was, and I feel like I let myself down a bit with this project.

Over the past couple of weeks, my depression decided to rear its ugly head once more and I decided to stay away from the computer for a while (with exceptions, of course). I didn’t want to fill my blog with tons of angry and depressing posts, so I decided to take some time and work through it.

I thought a lot about this blog during my time off, and I realized that I trapped myself in a box. I had a set schedule and when it comes to writing, you can’t force creativity like that. I have decided that I will continue to write on a regular basis, but I won’t force it. I will write every day, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, but I won’t pressure myself into writing “perfect” posts. I’m not perfect, and neither is my writing.

I truly hope everyone has been doing well and hanging in there. I love you all!

Weird Hours

Ever since I started working, my sleep schedule has become even more messed up than before. I originally told them that I can work any shift on any day, and I can, I just thought I would finally get my sleep back on track.

I like the shifts that I work, especially nights and early mornings. Today I will be working 2 PM – 10 PM with possible overtime because we’ve been short on nights lately. I love how crazy my schedule is because it works with everything I need and want to do.

I hope everyone has a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!

A Night Out

Last night, I did something out of the ordinary for myself… I went out drinking with some friends from work. I had just finished up the day from hell and I was told to meet them at the bar, and I almost said no but I decided to actually do something fun for once.

The night was filled with drinks and laughs, and too much food! I’m pretty sure I’m still a bit drunk, but it was worth it. I had so much fun and I’m really happy that I went out.

Quality Time

Over the past x-amount of months, my boyfriend and I have spent hours every day talking to each other. Even if we only have a few minutes to talk, we make sure to call one another. We haven’t missed a day yet, and we don’t plan on it.

In every call, we laugh, talk, watch videos together, and just enjoy being together. There have been times where we just sit together doing our own things, without saying much, for hours on end. It’s comforting to me just knowing that he’s there. Even when I’m at work, we talk (if he’s still awake, that is).

We talk every day, but each call holds memories and love. As sad as I get when we say goodnight and the call ends, I’m still happy that I got to spend time with him.