The other morning, I ended up going outside to take pictures of the snow for my friends. I haven’t enjoy the snow in years, mostly because I can’t stand the cold, but it was different. Everything was quiet, and there were no bunny prints on the ground. All I could hear was me. It was like I was completely alone.
There are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I normally enjoy it, but this was amazing. I finally saw just how beautiful being alone can be. I was standing outside in my pajamas and I didn’t feel cold. It was like it was my time to just be. I am alone a majority of the day, but I know there are people around. There was nothing, and it reminded me of why I became a night owl in the first place: I enjoy the silence.
Depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to enjoy things in my life, but in that moment I was there instead of millions miles away thinking about how I fucked up on that math test in 3rd grade or that random woman who glared at me in the mall back in high school. I was just watching snow fall at 5 AM, and it was all mine.
It was truly amazing, and I hope that everyone can experience that. I finally feel like I can control my thoughts. Will I always want to? No, but I have the option to and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wasn’t angry, sad, excited or happy, I was just there. I can’t stand getting up that early, but if I’m up, I might step outside and see if I can recreate what I felt.
I’m nowhere near being 100% okay, but I don’t think anyone is. All I know is that even when my battle is at its worse, I can just be. I am still extremely sad and feel an emptiness that is more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced, but at that moment I felt like I had something to cling onto.
I’m out of whack, and probably will be for a while, but this is the first time I can say that I will survive again.