At the end of the day, the sun sets and everyone gets settled in for the night. They night pray or send goodnight texts to their loved ones. I don’t. I say goodnight to my mother and I head up to my room where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I watch videos or talk to people, but I mostly just stay in bed thinking.
Last night I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. As of late, I gave up on my plans and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing outside of working and this. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I feel lost. I’m trying to stay positive and think about the quiet snowfall I witnessed the other morning, but I’m torn inside about what to do.
Whether it’s my depression talking or this is how I truly feel, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay focused on what I need to do but I’m struggling more and more. It could be the weather and I’m not getting enough sunlight, or maybe it’s something I’ve yet to realize. All I know is that I need to figure it out and keep it from eating me alive before I know what it is.
Depression, in short, is a fickle bitch. I’m starting to fight back, but it’s a long battle ahead. I just need to focus on the end goal and that everything has to get better.