Hey guys, it’s been a while! I want to start off by apologizing for not writing everyday like I was, and I feel like I let myself down a bit with this project.
Over the past couple of weeks, my depression decided to rear its ugly head once more and I decided to stay away from the computer for a while (with exceptions, of course). I didn’t want to fill my blog with tons of angry and depressing posts, so I decided to take some time and work through it.
I thought a lot about this blog during my time off, and I realized that I trapped myself in a box. I had a set schedule and when it comes to writing, you can’t force creativity like that. I have decided that I will continue to write on a regular basis, but I won’t force it. I will write every day, maybe 2 or 3 times a day, but I won’t pressure myself into writing “perfect” posts. I’m not perfect, and neither is my writing.
I truly hope everyone has been doing well and hanging in there. I love you all!
I feel weird today. I’m not sad or angry, but I’m also not happy. I don’t want to do anything productive, and I’m tired of laying in bed. I guess I just feel off. I don’t know what to do or how I feel, so I guess I will just deal with it.
I think I will be okay, I should be, I just wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully I will feel better as the day goes on.
Another post started before noon, so no strike.
I had a rough day yesterday, as far as I now realize just how much I need to get away from my past. All it does it make me depressed and tired and I barely get anything done.
I’m not going to sit here and act like I have the worst past imaginable, but it was nowhere near being great. I have good memories, but even more bad ones. I struggle to let go because I’m constantly surrounded by what causes me pain. I constantly hope that it will change and get better, even though I know it won’t until I start over.
I’m going to try to distract myself today, maybe go down to the coffee shop and space out there for a bit. I will do what I need to do, but I will be on autopilot the entire time.
Today is the day I start over. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing an hoping that everything will be okay, because that’s not how it works. I need to tear down and rebuild… I need to move forward.
I have gone through so much in my short time, and I need to try to get rid of my pain and sorrow. My past is starting to consume me, and I need to get out of my pattern of waking up and hoping that things will change. I will now wake up and make everything around me change. Waiting patiently is getting me nowhere fast.
I am working and going to school, yes, but outside of that I really don’t have much going on outside of my boyfriend and my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and my family, I just need something and I don’t know what it is.
I’m hoping once I get my life reorganized, I will figure out what I need to do. I have such a wonderful support team, but I need to give myself a bit of support, too.
This will be the second time I will be writing a post late, but at least this time it’s understandable. I have been extremely sad and stressed, which means I’m sleeping more. I have had so much on my mind and I can barely function.
Today will be spent on getting everything together for tomorrow and trying not to stress about every little thing. There is still so much that needs to be done, but I know everything will be sorted by tomorrow morning.
Today was extremely draining for me, and the rest of the week will be just as tough. I am so stressed and tired, and I feel like almost everyone has dropped me. I hate that I am the way I am, but I’m trying to see the good in myself in an attempt to feel better.
I don’t know what I can do anymore except to keep moving forward. I struggle to let go and move on from things that have happened to me, but I’m doing my best, just like everyone else. I’ve gotten to the point that I can block out a lot through temporarily shutting down or spacing out.
I struggle every day of my life, but it all boils down to me and how I’m going to handle it. All I can do for now is to keep pushing through all the shit until the day I am out. I am stronger than my situation, and I need to get through it.
In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.
This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.
I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.
I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.
For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.
“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.
I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.
I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.
Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.
I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.
I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.
I have a habit of getting terrible writer’s block every time I sit down to write. Eventually, I come up with something, but I’m drawing a black so I will write about not being able to write.
Forcing myself to focus has never been something I have fully grasped in my short time here on Earth. I know what I have and want to do, but when it comes down to doing whatever task is at hand, I can’t do it. I will procrastinate, and then procrastinate procrastinating. It’s an endless loop until the last minute and then I get everything done. I have always been like this. My mom dragged me kicking and screaming from preschool up until now.
I hate that I can’t organize myself to the point of being able to get the simplest things done until times almost up. I keep trying, though. I make task lists and set small goals that need to be finished by the end of the day.
There are times where I don’t need reminders and I will spend days on end getting everything off my plate. I take full advantage of these days because I don’t know when I will hyper-focus again. It’s a struggle, but I deal with it.