I Will Say it Here

I would like to start off by apologizing for leaving again without saying a word; I promise I didn’t leave to run home and use the bathroom again… I’m very scared right now, and fragile. I feel like I can’t stop shaking and all I want is to feel safe again. You help with that. You comfort me and make me feel that everything will be okay.

Unfortunately, my mind got the best of me tonight. I feel like a burden to everyone around me, like everything I do just makes things worse. I started to cry, and I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. I left because I didn’t want to wake you. I left tonight because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to scare you.

I want you to know this now: I care about you in ways that confuse the shit out of me, and I like it. I like how no matter how mad or upset I am, being around you makes me want to try and let the pain subside. You’re probably one of the strangest people I’ve met, and just as strange, if not more so.

It’s been a week since you asked me, and a few months since we met. You have given me the strength and the will to be myself, even if I’m being annoying. I would also like to add a fun fact about myself: I keep track of time and dates because it helps with my memory, not because I’m creepy… okay, I’m creepy but not that creepy.

Thank you for not letting me slip through the cracks. Thank you for continuing to stand by me and all my insanity. Thank you for being as fucked up as you are.

Thank you

I Don’t Understand

This is going to be a more serious post. Recently, my depression has started to creep back in, bringing anxiety along with it. I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until earlier today when I took a nap.

When my depression is getting near its peak, I start to have dreams that have a beginning, middle and end, and they play out like a normal day. The longer I have these dreams, I start to blur my dreams with reality. The good thing is that I’m aware that it’s happening, but with the awareness comes panic attacks because the question of, “what’s real?” still lingers.

I’ve been having panic attacks since about 3 PM today, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. I’m trying to stay positive, and focus on the good things, but it’s really hard when I sit here and question whether or not they’re real.