I’m an Adult!

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Recently, I have been struggling to utilize my time and, because of this, I have become very unmotivated. I started thinking about what used to motivate me when I was younger (outside of my mother dragging me through my school work) and then I remembered something!

When I was about 8 years old, my vision in my left eye was terrible (still is) and the doctor told me and my parents that I would have to wear these stick-on eye patches over my right eye to strengthen my left one. Of course, I fought my parents every step of the way, and I cried every time I had to wear these eye patches… until my mom made the Eye Chart. This chart was made on a bright pink poster board and each day I wore the eye, I got a sticker. At the end of the month, if I wore the patches everyday, we got to go to the local amusement park! It didn’t stop my emotional distress with the whole thing, but working towards something made it easier on me (and my parents).

Now that I’m 22, I have made a new sticker chart. This will keep me motivated to do my work and move at a steady pace through my course. I am hoping to be 75% through my course by the end of July, and to have some money saved up so I can have a bit of freedom. At the end of each week, I will get a reward like a new book or fast food (I’m trying to cut down, and I think having it once a month is a good start).

I’m really excited and I have a good feeling about it. I finally feel like I’m moving forward, instead of making progress while standing still. I don’t care how old I get, if a reward chart works then so be it!

Old Memories

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Just a little while ago, I went behind my new pile of laundry and retrieved my Bratz binder. Within this binder is a collection I started when I was about 5 years old and still continue to collect to this day. I am speaking of is my Pokemon card collection.

The first time I saw Pokemon cards was when I was in 7-11 and there was a display of them on the counter. My favorite color was (and still is) blue, and since the packaging was blue, I asked my mom to buy me a pack. From that day, I was hooked. I don’t buy the single packs anymore, though, I get the collector’s editions and mega-packs.

When I looked through the pages of cards, I remembered just how much joy they bought me and still do.

Three Words

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I have waited so long to be able to say and hear these three words for a very long time now. These three words represent something so pure and genuine, and it makes my heart flutter and my mind race every time I hear it.

I have had these words said to me by family and friends. Having it said to me warms my soul, but getting to say it is the greatest thing I get to do during the day. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, and these words make it disappear for a moment.

The only thing better than speaking these words, is to show it. Acting on these words and opening yourself up to the ones around you is a feeling that I can’t begin to describe. To be vulnerable around someone and know that your safe is one of the most wonderful things that can happen.

I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to show, and I will spend the rest of my days making you feel loved. I trust you with my heart, and no matter what happens, you will always have it.

Thank you for letting me love you. More importantly, thank you for loving me.

Back and Forth

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Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.

I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.

I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.

An Early Night

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I think I found the cause of my writer’s block… I am absolutely exhausted. For weeks now, I have been staying up to all hours of the night and getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep. It’s finally all catching up with me and I’m in a state of being half asleep.

I’m actually tired at a semi-normal hour, so once I’m done writing this, I will be going to sleep and will not get up until morning. I am actually very exited to be tired at night. It feels like it’s been ages since I actually slept when everyone else in my timezone was asleep. I love being up at night because I do my best work between 11 PM-3 AM, but I can’t keep pushing myself if I’m tired.

I hope everyone has a good night and sleeps well! Goodnight!

Writer’s Block

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I have a habit of getting terrible writer’s block every time I sit down to write. Eventually, I come up with something, but I’m drawing a black so I will write about not being able to write.

Forcing myself to focus has never been something I have fully grasped in my short time here on Earth. I know what I have and want to do, but when it comes down to doing whatever task is at hand, I can’t do it. I will procrastinate, and then procrastinate procrastinating. It’s an endless loop until the last minute and then I get everything done. I have always been like this. My mom dragged me kicking and screaming from preschool up until now.

I hate that I can’t organize myself to the point of being able to get the simplest things done until times almost up. I keep trying, though. I make task lists and set small goals that need to be finished by the end of the day.

There are times where I don’t need reminders and I will spend days on end getting everything off my plate. I take full advantage of these days because I don’t know when I will hyper-focus again. It’s a struggle, but I deal with it.

Balance

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One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

The Strangest Thing

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Over the past couple of days, my boyfriend and I have realized something we have in common: we are major nerds. We have spent hours watching videos and doing research on the original equator and how ancient civilizations connect to one another.

We keep bouncing ideas off of each other and getting excited when we reach the same conclusion. We’re learning a lot and coming up with our own theories, and I have never felt so happy about staring at a screen.

My mind is fried but I want to keep going… I need to keep going. I love learning about history and ancient cultures.

Weakened Strength

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As with every other tattoo I have gotten, I’m sick. I’m achy and tired and nauseous and I don’t understand why I keep putting myself through this. I can’t stand how sensitive my body is with everything, but it does cut my healing time in half because it’s always trying to heal itself.

I absolutely love everything about my tattoos. Thinking about what I want to making the appointment and getting it done. Even waiting for it to heal is exciting, because each day is one day closer to it being completely finished. I just can’t stand how sick it makes me. I know I have at least another 3 days, and I’m hoping this time will go by quickly.

I’m going to get some rest, and shorten my recovery period even more. I hope everyone had a lovely Monday and sleeps well tonight!

Beauty is Pain

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I know what you’re going to ask…. “Paige, why is the main picture of you lying down with your shirt on backwards?” Well, kind reader, I got another tattoo! I spent my Sunday afternoon face down with a needle in my back. In that picture, I look like I’m in pain, which I was and still am, but the result was worth it!

new tattoo

My tattoo is of forget-me-nots, based off of a painting by Mary Walcott. This is my 6th tattoo, and by far the most painful. I absolutely love forget-me-not flowers. They’re flowers are tiny and sweet, and hold a very special place in my heart as far as flowers are concerned.

Forget-me-nots make me feel not so insignificant. If such a tiny flower can thrive and grow, I can, too. I will not be forgotten, nor disregarded. They remind me that even though I have experienced a lot of loss, that the memories will live on. Outside of the deeper meaning they have for me, they’re blue and I absolutely love blue!

When I got my first tattoo (which I will go into in another post), I swore to myself that I would never get another one. Now that I’m here waiting for my most recent one to heal, I love all of my tattoos. They have given me confidence to love my body.

Did I ever think I would be 22 with blue hair and tattoos? No, not in 3 lifetimes, but I’m finally able to hold my head high and love myself.