Tag: feelings

Second Choice

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Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Reality

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This weekend, as well as today, gave me a dose of reality. In two months and a handful of days, I will be 23. Before I go any further, I will say right now that getting older isn’t what’s really bothering me, I actually don’t really mind growing up.

Back to the point, I’m turning 23 soon and I am realizing that I’m not taking advantage of being young. I am constantly stressed, to the point that my hair is turning grey and is starting to fall out. Many people have told me that my 20s won’t be all fun and games, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m going to take a couple of days to get myself organized… again. I will be getting all my bills in order, and restarting my rewards chart now that my mind is a bit more clear. I’m also going to do fun things, like making videos and planning trips. I know I will struggle, that’s just life, but I want to enjoy some parts of it before I get too old to enjoy anything.

I need change, and I’m the only one that can do it.

Getting Back on the Road

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Our weekend is finally coming to an end and we will be heading back “home” as soon as the car is packed. I hate leaving, especially considering where I’m going back to, but I don’t have another choice at this point.

This weekend was rough, but being with family made it easier. I never really had a chance to know my family (due to certain circumstances) and I’m very happy I have the chance to know them now. I’ve always put a lot of importance on spending time with family, and I finally got to do just that.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and a beautiful Mother’s Day!

The Small Things

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Nothing really eventful happened, but I did get to spend time with my mom. We sat on the couch, ate sandwiches and watched Undercover Boss. We also played Word Whomp on her phone, which we’ve played for years. We’re both so stressed and wound up all the time, but it brings me comfort to know we can sit down and do nothing together.

I’m not the easiest person to get along with, not by a long shot, but she knows how to work around my moods. I can be a downright bitch, and she still loves me and I can never repay her for being the mother and friend I’ve needed and wanted.

We don’t always see eye to eye, but at the end of the day, family is all that matters. I will always be grateful for all the nights she stayed up when I had a fever, and all the early mornings that we did crafts together.

I’m beyond lucky to have her as a mom, and I hope she knows that even though I can be an unbearable mess that I always love and respect her.

I love you, mama!

A Little Brighter

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I honestly don’t know where I would be without him. I am dreading this week, but he has taken a lot of my pain away. I have had so many people fuck me over and hurt me, and so much has happened that is out of my control, and he still manages to make me smile.

I am having such a hard time dealing with everything in my life right now, and I know I’m slipping deeper with each blow I’m dealt. I’m not going to be working much this week, but will be going full force come Monday.

I hope everyone keeps pushing forward and doesn’t stop.

A Tough One

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Today was extremely draining for me, and the rest of the week will be just as tough. I am so stressed and tired, and I feel like almost everyone has dropped me. I hate that I am the way I am, but I’m trying to see the good in myself in an attempt to feel better.

I don’t know what I can do anymore except to keep moving forward. I struggle to let go and move on from things that have happened to me, but I’m doing my best, just like everyone else. I’ve gotten to the point that I can block out a lot through temporarily shutting down or spacing out.

I struggle every day of my life, but it all boils down to me and how I’m going to handle it. All I can do for now is to keep pushing through all the shit until the day I am out. I am stronger than my situation, and I need to get through it.

“Friends”

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In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.

This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.

I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.

I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Another Roadblock

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Don’t you just love it when you feel motivated to do tons of work and then your virtual machine decided to act up and the repositories aren’t cloning properly? Me too! I already have problems focusing paired with anger issues and anxiety, so this just triggers the perfect trifecta!

I am doing my best to keep calm and not give my laptop swimming lessons. I need to step away from the virtual and physical machines for a while and maybe watch some TV. I just wanted to get some work done, and I guess that’s not written in the stars for me right now!

I hope everyone has a good and relaxing night! I will be here staring at my virtual machine, waiting for it to shut down!

Deep Breaths

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Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

 

A Good Start

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Today was the first day using my reward chart, and I didn’t do half bad. I got a couple of hours of work done, and a few lessons. It’s not my main goal for each day, but I think it’s a step in the right direction and I’m proud of myself.

I wasn’t going to give myself the completion heart or flower doodle (I didn’t get stickers today) because I didn’t reach my goal, but I think I earned it because I did my best and I accomplished something. I’m proud of myself and that alone deserves the doodles!

Each day, I will do more work and lessons and eventually I will reach and even surpass my goals for my day-to-day life. I am very happy with myself, and that alone is a reason to celebrate!

I hope everyone had a great Monday and remembers to celebrate the small milestones!