This weekend, as well as today, gave me a dose of reality. In two months and a handful of days, I will be 23. Before I go any further, I will say right now that getting older isn’t what’s really bothering me, I actually don’t really mind growing up.

Back to the point, I’m turning 23 soon and I am realizing that I’m not taking advantage of being young. I am constantly stressed, to the point that my hair is turning grey and is starting to fall out. Many people have told me that my 20s won’t be all fun and games, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m going to take a couple of days to get myself organized… again. I will be getting all my bills in order, and restarting my rewards chart now that my mind is a bit more clear. I’m also going to do fun things, like making videos and planning trips. I know I will struggle, that’s just life, but I want to enjoy some parts of it before I get too old to enjoy anything.

I need change, and I’m the only one that can do it.

A Day Off

Today, I will not be doing my nails or makeup, or doing work of any kind. I won’t be taking pictures, or planning out my days for the next 6 months. Today, I need to step back and take a day to do absolutely nothing. Before going any further, I would like to say that there is happiness in this post, just bear with me.

In previous posts, I have mentioned my depression and anxiety. I would like to delve a bit further into them in this post. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 13 years, and the mood swing and anger issues that tag along with those.

I find that when I read about depression or anxiety, it’s very textbook and there is barely any emotion behind it. I would like to shed some light on my experiences. Depression and anxiety are, to put it simply, wicked bitches. They’re the girls in high school that get you in trouble, or a long night drinking followed by a day-long hangover and a missing wallet.

My depression comes in waves, whereas my anxiety is always lurking. I have learned to use my anxiety as a way to become more cautious, and to observe everything around me. Depression, on the other hand, I can’t control. Ignoring it just represses it, and accepting it pushes me further down the hole. So how do I deal with this?

Well, I fill my day with the most pointless and meaningful tasks. Keeping busy allows me to work through my depression subconsciously. Not only do I get things done, I start to feel better. I know I said that I won’t be doing a single thing today, but it’s the nothing that I do that will make me feel better. Watching hours of videos and playing phone games and just spacing out.

As sad as I am right now, I know that I am strong enough to get through it, like I always do. So, I’m going to plop myself down with a bag of chips and phone and just be. I know there are plenty of people out there who are going through the same thing, and I hope you all know that it’s okay to just do nothing. There are always more days ahead, and one day won’t be the end of the world. You are your own best friend and enemy. Take the day to learn about yourself, take yourself on a date, talk to yourself and, most importantly, try to be good to yourself.

I know this was a long post, but I feel like it needed to be written. If anyone that sees this needs someone to talk to, please use the contact form or comment. I always have my blog and email open, and will respond as soon as I get anything. You are not alone and I really hate when people tell me this, but it can get better (trust me, I want to punch myself in the face for saying that).

A New Year

It’s around 6:30 PM EST on New Year’s Eve, and I have been in my pajamas all day.

As some of us already know, 2017 was a bit of a shit show; not much we can do about it. Some years are good, some are bad, and others just pass us by.

One thing that people like to kick off the new year with is a New Year’s Resolution. Like a lot of these people, I stay strong for about a week, before giving up and going back to my regular routine. To the people out there that are strong enough to go to the gym every morning and do something new everyday, I applaude you. To those who say they did that stuff, I understand you. 

For 2018, I’m going to try again, but it’s going to be more of a challenge. This year, I decided that I’m going to become more girly. My boyfriend recently pointed out to me that I have too much makeup (I have close to 300 bottles of nail polish and I rarely paint my nails). From a drawer full of foundations and primers, to a vanity covered in eye shadow palettes, eyeliner, and countless tubes of mascara, I think it’s about time I start doing my makeup… well, learn how to do it, and then do it every single day. I will also, be learning how to do my hair. I’m 22 years old and my mom still curls my hair for me; I can’t figure out curling irons for the life of me.

Moving on to my closet, it’s also full of things I don’t usually use: dresses, skirts, shoes, and a bunch of purses. So after doing my hair and makeup, I will get dressed to the nines to sit at my desk and do school work.

Why am I doing this? I’m one of those people who needs change, and my life needs a routine, so why not spend 5 hours in the morning transforming myself?

oh god

That lovely lady right there is me. I am sporting an orange Billabong long-sleeved shirt. My hair is done in the “I ran a brush through it yesterday and I don’t know how to make it look good” style. No makeup, no nail polish…

I definitely have my work cut out for me

Also, because school, work, and now this project won’t be enough to fill my days, I will also be exercising, drinking more water, and getting the right amount of sleep…

Here’s to 2018!