Roo – Page 17 – The Change

Placing Blame

Published on May 1, 2018May 1, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.

For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.

“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.

I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.

I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.

Playing Games

Published on May 1, 2018May 1, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

This morning is not going to be very productive because one of my favorite games, Stardew Valley, came out with multiplayer today. I absolutely love this game and, so far, multiplayer has made it a whole new experience for me.

Once I’m done being productive on a virtual farm, I will be working and getting through some lessons. I feel really good this morning, and surprisingly focused so I want to take advantage of it before my concentration goes away.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

A Good Start

Published on April 30, 2018 by Roo5 Comments

Today was the first day using my reward chart, and I didn’t do half bad. I got a couple of hours of work done, and a few lessons. It’s not my main goal for each day, but I think it’s a step in the right direction and I’m proud of myself.

I wasn’t going to give myself the completion heart or flower doodle (I didn’t get stickers today) because I didn’t reach my goal, but I think I earned it because I did my best and I accomplished something. I’m proud of myself and that alone deserves the doodles!

Each day, I will do more work and lessons and eventually I will reach and even surpass my goals for my day-to-day life. I am very happy with myself, and that alone is a reason to celebrate!

I hope everyone had a great Monday and remembers to celebrate the small milestones!

I’m an Adult!

Published on April 30, 2018 by Roo2 Comments

Recently, I have been struggling to utilize my time and, because of this, I have become very unmotivated. I started thinking about what used to motivate me when I was younger (outside of my mother dragging me through my school work) and then I remembered something!

When I was about 8 years old, my vision in my left eye was terrible (still is) and the doctor told me and my parents that I would have to wear these stick-on eye patches over my right eye to strengthen my left one. Of course, I fought my parents every step of the way, and I cried every time I had to wear these eye patches… until my mom made the Eye Chart. This chart was made on a bright pink poster board and each day I wore the eye, I got a sticker. At the end of the month, if I wore the patches everyday, we got to go to the local amusement park! It didn’t stop my emotional distress with the whole thing, but working towards something made it easier on me (and my parents).

Now that I’m 22, I have made a new sticker chart. This will keep me motivated to do my work and move at a steady pace through my course. I am hoping to be 75% through my course by the end of July, and to have some money saved up so I can have a bit of freedom. At the end of each week, I will get a reward like a new book or fast food (I’m trying to cut down, and I think having it once a month is a good start).

I’m really excited and I have a good feeling about it. I finally feel like I’m moving forward, instead of making progress while standing still. I don’t care how old I get, if a reward chart works then so be it!

Old Memories

Published on April 27, 2018April 27, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Just a little while ago, I went behind my new pile of laundry and retrieved my Bratz binder. Within this binder is a collection I started when I was about 5 years old and still continue to collect to this day. I am speaking of is my Pokemon card collection.

The first time I saw Pokemon cards was when I was in 7-11 and there was a display of them on the counter. My favorite color was (and still is) blue, and since the packaging was blue, I asked my mom to buy me a pack. From that day, I was hooked. I don’t buy the single packs anymore, though, I get the collector’s editions and mega-packs.

When I looked through the pages of cards, I remembered just how much joy they bought me and still do.

Three Words

Published on April 26, 2018April 26, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I have waited so long to be able to say and hear these three words for a very long time now. These three words represent something so pure and genuine, and it makes my heart flutter and my mind race every time I hear it.

I have had these words said to me by family and friends. Having it said to me warms my soul, but getting to say it is the greatest thing I get to do during the day. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, and these words make it disappear for a moment.

The only thing better than speaking these words, is to show it. Acting on these words and opening yourself up to the ones around you is a feeling that I can’t begin to describe. To be vulnerable around someone and know that your safe is one of the most wonderful things that can happen.

I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to show, and I will spend the rest of my days making you feel loved. I trust you with my heart, and no matter what happens, you will always have it.

Thank you for letting me love you. More importantly, thank you for loving me.

Back and Forth

Published on April 26, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.

I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.

I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.

An Early Night

Published on April 25, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I think I found the cause of my writer’s block… I am absolutely exhausted. For weeks now, I have been staying up to all hours of the night and getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep. It’s finally all catching up with me and I’m in a state of being half asleep.

I’m actually tired at a semi-normal hour, so once I’m done writing this, I will be going to sleep and will not get up until morning. I am actually very exited to be tired at night. It feels like it’s been ages since I actually slept when everyone else in my timezone was asleep. I love being up at night because I do my best work between 11 PM-3 AM, but I can’t keep pushing myself if I’m tired.

I hope everyone has a good night and sleeps well! Goodnight!

Writer’s Block

Published on April 25, 2018April 25, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I have a habit of getting terrible writer’s block every time I sit down to write. Eventually, I come up with something, but I’m drawing a black so I will write about not being able to write.

Forcing myself to focus has never been something I have fully grasped in my short time here on Earth. I know what I have and want to do, but when it comes down to doing whatever task is at hand, I can’t do it. I will procrastinate, and then procrastinate procrastinating. It’s an endless loop until the last minute and then I get everything done. I have always been like this. My mom dragged me kicking and screaming from preschool up until now.

I hate that I can’t organize myself to the point of being able to get the simplest things done until times almost up. I keep trying, though. I make task lists and set small goals that need to be finished by the end of the day.

There are times where I don’t need reminders and I will spend days on end getting everything off my plate. I take full advantage of these days because I don’t know when I will hyper-focus again. It’s a struggle, but I deal with it.

Balance

Published on April 24, 2018April 24, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.