There’s only a few more days and so much that still needs to be done. I am so emotionally drained at this point and I know that feeling won’t go away for a while. I know what I have to do, but it’s hard to not get overwhelmed.
I know everything will be okay, but it would be extremely helpful if I didn’t feel like I was hitting a wall every 5 seconds. I keep going, though, and I won’t stop.
I will get through this… we will get through this, no matter what it takes.
Nothing really eventful happened, but I did get to spend time with my mom. We sat on the couch, ate sandwiches and watched Undercover Boss. We also played Word Whomp on her phone, which we’ve played for years. We’re both so stressed and wound up all the time, but it brings me comfort to know we can sit down and do nothing together.
I’m not the easiest person to get along with, not by a long shot, but she knows how to work around my moods. I can be a downright bitch, and she still loves me and I can never repay her for being the mother and friend I’ve needed and wanted.
We don’t always see eye to eye, but at the end of the day, family is all that matters. I will always be grateful for all the nights she stayed up when I had a fever, and all the early mornings that we did crafts together.
I’m beyond lucky to have her as a mom, and I hope she knows that even though I can be an unbearable mess that I always love and respect her.
I love you, mama!
I honestly don’t know where I would be without him. I am dreading this week, but he has taken a lot of my pain away. I have had so many people fuck me over and hurt me, and so much has happened that is out of my control, and he still manages to make me smile.
I am having such a hard time dealing with everything in my life right now, and I know I’m slipping deeper with each blow I’m dealt. I’m not going to be working much this week, but will be going full force come Monday.
I hope everyone keeps pushing forward and doesn’t stop.
Today was extremely draining for me, and the rest of the week will be just as tough. I am so stressed and tired, and I feel like almost everyone has dropped me. I hate that I am the way I am, but I’m trying to see the good in myself in an attempt to feel better.
I don’t know what I can do anymore except to keep moving forward. I struggle to let go and move on from things that have happened to me, but I’m doing my best, just like everyone else. I’ve gotten to the point that I can block out a lot through temporarily shutting down or spacing out.
I struggle every day of my life, but it all boils down to me and how I’m going to handle it. All I can do for now is to keep pushing through all the shit until the day I am out. I am stronger than my situation, and I need to get through it.
In my life, I have had many people come and go. These people, at one point or another, were considered friends and I wish I could go back and change my view on friendship.
This weekend, I spent too much time thinking, as I usually do. I had an experience where I reached out to a friend, who reached out to me many times in the past, and I was met with a brick wall. The way I used to view a friend is someone who was there for me as much as I’m there for them, someone I could trust and, most importantly, someone who would always be there. Now I know that’s not how friends really are.
I look back on all my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I am the reason I got hurt; I became attached and built up a relationship on a shaky foundation, and I gave up so much emotionally and received so little in return. I think we all do this, though. We look at relationships in movies and shows and get the idea that that’s what it’s supposed to be like. In a perfect world, it is that way, but this world is far from perfect.
I no longer expect these things from others, nor do I wish to have any more friends outside of the very small group I already have. Maybe through seclusion, I will grow stronger and I will let people in again someday, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.
I have reached the end of the first week with my rewards chart. I didn’t do everything I needed to do to earn a reward, but I was definitely more productive and I’m proud of myself. I don’t expect I will be fully immersed in my new schedule for another week or so, but I will keep pushing myself until I am.
In all honesty, I’m not too worried about the rewards as much as I’m worried about getting my work done. No, I didn’t do as much as I needed to do but I still did something each day and that’s the whole point of having the chart!
I had a few rough days, and I still managed to get stuff done, which I was never able to do before! I’m going to be working more tonight and into the weekend because I’ve started to feel anxious when I’m not being productive (which is a good thing).
I hope everyone has a great night and a wonderful weekend, and for the Star Wars fans out there, may the fourth be with you!
My plans never pan out the way I want or need them to, so my goal is to work all night until my eyes fall out of my head. Today was rough, but nothing bad can happen when I’m the only one awake. I work better at night anyway, so I have no problem staying up. I took a nap and I have a full supply of caffeine and cupcakes.
Before I buckle in for my coding trip, I will be playing more Stardew Valley and messing around on my ukulele. I need to be relaxed before I even consider booting my virtual machine again.
I hope everyone has a good night, and if any of you are staying up for most of the night, enjoy whatever you’re doing and remember to relax!
Sometimes, things happen that motivate us to get up and push through it all. I had that just now. I was really upset this morning and decided to take a nap. It’s weird how actual dreams have pushed me to keep working on my goals.
I had this dream that I just pushed everything off my desk, got up and just left. I would love to be able to just do whatever I want, whenever I want, and to do that, I need to get through school. I’m three lessons away from finishing the unit I’m on and only two away from being caught up on the new curriculum, which I plan on knocking out once I’m fully awake.
The next thing I need is money, which means I need to work. Once I feel like I’ve done enough school work, I will be making my way through some work and getting some hours in.
I don’t know why such a simple dream makes me feel so driven, but I like it. Maybe when I’m done, I’ll make a dream board so I have a place to put all my goals and dreams for the near future!
Don’t you just love it when you feel motivated to do tons of work and then your virtual machine decided to act up and the repositories aren’t cloning properly? Me too! I already have problems focusing paired with anger issues and anxiety, so this just triggers the perfect trifecta!
I am doing my best to keep calm and not give my laptop swimming lessons. I need to step away from the virtual and physical machines for a while and maybe watch some TV. I just wanted to get some work done, and I guess that’s not written in the stars for me right now!
I hope everyone has a good and relaxing night! I will be here staring at my virtual machine, waiting for it to shut down!
Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.
I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.
The Change 