Tag: rant

My Way

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Today was riddled with panic attacks and getting lost in my thoughts. I got to thinking about the problems I face and the people I have crossed paths with. I try to take something good away from all my interactions, but that’s not always the case. I have a habit of attracting people who are far from aligning with me and I don’t realize it until I’m too deep.

Fortunately, I have been able to realize that I’ve gained strength from all of my bad experiences. Not all of my bad experiences are life-shattering, but they all leave their marks. Some of these times in my life fade without a trace except for the memory of them, while others continue to try to find their way back into my life. Due to my anxiety, I have gained paranoia and constantly feel like I’m under a microscope.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be 100% honest, which I still try to do but I sensor myself and avoid certain topics. I have my reasons for keeping certain things private, one of them being that I don’t want to cause drama. I just wish I could write in length about the good things without shit hitting the fan.

The one thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I am truly happy and I’m not going to let these people hold me back. I’m an open book, and I want to share my story with the world no matter what it takes. Starting tomorrow, I will be heading in another new direction with Rooplixoo and I am confident that it will be okay.

Words

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Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

Opinions

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Opinions are great things. They have the power to bring like-minded people together, but it can also push people apart. I have many opinions that I tend not to share as to avoid causing any problems or confrontation. Unfortunately, some people feel that they not only need to share their opinions, but push their thoughts as if they were facts.

I have no problem with people speaking their minds, everyone does it. What I don’t appreciate is when people either tell me that my opinions are wrong, or when they try to force their thoughts on me. I’m all for freedom of speech, and I will defend everyone’s right to speaking freely, even if I don’t agree with them. It’s not a matter of taking away that right or freedom, rather the lack of respect when doing so that I would like to eliminate.

This weekend, the subject of political views came into the spotlight. Not mine, but someone who I’m very close to. They basically said that they hoped he wasn’t a Conservative. Now, for the record, he is not, but what if he was? He has the right to be one. People shouldn’t be judged on whether or they’re a good or bad person based on being either a Conservative or a Liberal.

A good person is good, and a bad person is bad. With that being said, “good” and “bad” are subjective; I know that I like to think of myself as a good person, and I am also aware of the fact that there are plenty of people out there that think I’m a complete asshole.

We sit here and preach acceptance and equality, until someone with a different opinion comes along. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I am 100% guilty to telling someone with a different opinion to mine that they’re wrong. We, as people, are flawed.

I think once everyone truly accepts the fact that everyone thinks differently, it will solve a lot of problems… but that’s just my opinion.

Same Story, Different Plan

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I’ve been through this before, but it’s going to be different. I can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. I can no longer expect people to change, so I’m going to need to make the changes.

It’s been a long day for me, going back and forth on what I should do, but it all boils down to that I need to do what’s best for me.

Tomorrow I will have longer posts and pictures, but this is all for now. The past few days have been rough and I wasn’t in the mindset to put out long posts today. I hope everyone has a wonderful night and I will see you guys tomorrow!

An Explanation

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In life, we give and are given many explanations to either clarify certain things or to defend our actions or opinions. It almost as if we’re on autopilot and just explain away everything we do. Is it always necessary?

Well, yes and no. It’s common courtesy to explain our actions if we hurt or upset anyone, or to iron out any details about a subject the recipient of the speech doesn’t understand. I don’t think it’s right to have to explain your reasoning if you’re trying to protect yourself or others.

Recently, I was put in this situation (to clarify, this isn’t about my breakup). It wasn’t the first time I was questioned for my actions, and I know it won’t be the last. Sometimes, personalities don’t mesh right and can lead to a toxic engagement between the two. I felt like I needed to step away and I was bombarded with questions and statements in front of others, which made me feel pressured to explain myself. In my mind, this isn’t okay.

I have been giving these explanations for my entire life, just to soften the blow instead of just saying, “Because I wanted/needed to.” I struggle with confrontation, as many people do, but for some reason this pushed me over the edge. I don’t know why this situation in particular stood out to me, but it did. I want to be able to get to a point where I feel comfortable and not criticized or attacked for what I do for myself. I know I can’t make everyone happy and like me, but I can make myself happy and like me, which is what I’m trying to do.

The homework for the week is to do something for yourself, even if it’s something small. For an hour, or even 30 minutes, do something for you. You are going to be stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so make the relationship as smooth as possible.

Moving On

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I think I’ve spent enough thinking about how to write this post and I’m ready to open up. Recently, between the 11th and the 17th, I went through a break and eventually a breakup. I spent that week putting everything into perspective and trying to see if I could get past what happened. Obviously, I wasn’t able to. I’m okay now. I no longer hold the anger of an ex, but the rage of someone who can’t stand lies.

To keep things short, there was a trip and a lot of things were kept from me. It goes a lot deeper than that, but I’m not in the mood to go into detail. Now, I know being evasive isn’t technically lying, but not telling the truth is lying. Unfortunately, I needed to suggest a break to get the truth, but at that point, it was too late.

During the breakup, I did my best to stay civil, and I did my best to not place too much blame. I even apologized. Not only did I not get an apology, I didn’t get any closure from him. I’ve had a lot of people  in my life leave with loose ends but, in that moment, I realized that I wasted almost 2 years of my life on someone who I thought I knew.

Like I said, I am completely fine and have moved past it. The fact that I didn’t even get the courtesy of an apology in the end, after all the lies and bullshit, makes my blood boil. Realizing that I had just been in the same situation again makes me mad at myself.

Over the past two weeks, though, I realized that I deserve to be happy, and I did just that. Through everything that happened, I still managed to smile and laugh and enjoy my time.

I walked away a better person, and I’m going to continue to grow and feel better about myself.

You know, I am sorry, though. I’m sorry to myself.

Flu Season

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I was productive, and then I wasn’t. I took a short nap because I could barely keep my eyes open and I woke up extremely nauseous. It’s been like this for about 5 hours now. It’s almost like I’m motion sick and I need everything to stop spinning.

Even though I’m sick, something great happened. Two years ago, I was in a car accident that really messed me up (I will probably go into details in another post later on once everything settles down). Today, my case was settled and I couldn’t be happier. It has been a long road for me and my family, but it’s finally done with and we can move on.

I’ve looked back on the past couple years and I realized that life doesn’t get better or worse, it just changes. There are good parts and bad parts, but that’s just how life is. No matter what happens, it’s just a learning experience.

I hope I will start feeling better soon so I can keep pushing forward. I will get back into doing fun things and taking pictures so these posts don’t seem so empty!

Happy end of Monday everyone!

Tired Thoughts

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Today, I sat in bed, took care of my pets and took a nap. My mental state isn’t 100% because, on one hand, I feel like I did nothing; on the other hand, I needed to step away and just do nothing.

My life, like many others, is me standing in the middle of a never-ending shit storm holding onto a tiny ball of good. No matter what happens, I hold onto that ball in hopes that one day the storm will clear up and the ball can grow.

If I had to take anything away from today, it’s that the storm that surrounds me is not something I can control, because a majority of the storm is caused by the world around me. I can, however, control that tiny ball of good. I can’t control how people will react or the unexpected, but I can try to maneuver these obstacles with grace.

I’ve come to the realization that I can’t take on every single problem because someone asks me or expects me to. I can’t keep helping people by not helping myself; in the end, I have to live with myself and I am tired of living in a stressed, worn out body.

It will take some time for me to work on this; old habits die hard. As long as I keep working on it, though, it will become easier because I will become stronger.

Tomorrow, I will be writing out my full routine and start fresh Monday morning. I will make time to do everything: makeup, nails, school, work and exercise. If I want a better me, I need to make it.

A Day Off

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Today, I will not be doing my nails or makeup, or doing work of any kind. I won’t be taking pictures, or planning out my days for the next 6 months. Today, I need to step back and take a day to do absolutely nothing. Before going any further, I would like to say that there is happiness in this post, just bear with me.

In previous posts, I have mentioned my depression and anxiety. I would like to delve a bit further into them in this post. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 13 years, and the mood swing and anger issues that tag along with those.

I find that when I read about depression or anxiety, it’s very textbook and there is barely any emotion behind it. I would like to shed some light on my experiences. Depression and anxiety are, to put it simply, wicked bitches. They’re the girls in high school that get you in trouble, or a long night drinking followed by a day-long hangover and a missing wallet.

My depression comes in waves, whereas my anxiety is always lurking. I have learned to use my anxiety as a way to become more cautious, and to observe everything around me. Depression, on the other hand, I can’t control. Ignoring it just represses it, and accepting it pushes me further down the hole. So how do I deal with this?

Well, I fill my day with the most pointless and meaningful tasks. Keeping busy allows me to work through my depression subconsciously. Not only do I get things done, I start to feel better. I know I said that I won’t be doing a single thing today, but it’s the nothing that I do that will make me feel better. Watching hours of videos and playing phone games and just spacing out.

As sad as I am right now, I know that I am strong enough to get through it, like I always do. So, I’m going to plop myself down with a bag of chips and phone and just be. I know there are plenty of people out there who are going through the same thing, and I hope you all know that it’s okay to just do nothing. There are always more days ahead, and one day won’t be the end of the world. You are your own best friend and enemy. Take the day to learn about yourself, take yourself on a date, talk to yourself and, most importantly, try to be good to yourself.

I know this was a long post, but I feel like it needed to be written. If anyone that sees this needs someone to talk to, please use the contact form or comment. I always have my blog and email open, and will respond as soon as I get anything. You are not alone and I really hate when people tell me this, but it can get better (trust me, I want to punch myself in the face for saying that).

Taking a Break

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Today started off really well for me actually, minus the one or two petty things. I got a few more hours before I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I screamed and cried until I couldn’t.

Between getting dragged into other’s bullshit and trying to battle my depression, I am weakened and I don’t want to do anything. I know I will get up tomorrow and keep going, but I’m getting off my personal social media accounts for a while. This weekend will be spent working on this and data entry (that’s what I do for work).

A few people in my life don’t understand why I’m always so stressed. I mean, I work, go to school and even socialize all from my room. I should actually have very limited stress, but I don’t. I might get to stay in sweats all day, but I pay for comfort by being a listening ear. I am an emotional dumpster for everyone. I vent a lot, but I can’t do it anymore.

For a while, I believed that a lot of my problems would be eliminated if I removed everyone from my life. I have dealt with so much, and I keep going, but I think I repressed many of my emotions along the way in an attempt to keep myself from completely losing myself. I would like to get those back.

I wish I had a happier post for Friday. I do have an idea of my schedule for Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Fridays will have one post and eventually Instagram/Twitter posts. Weekends will have no posts but be used as planning days for the upcoming week. I want to organize my site a little better, and start designing my logo.

The reason my day started off well was because I am up to 6 followers on this blog. I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has spent time looking at my blog, liking my content and following. It amazes me how many people this blog has reached, and I am extremely proud of myself for sticking with this.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see all of you back here Monday morning!