Tag: feelings

Losing Myself

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I’ve been sleeping a lot… too much. When I’m up, I force a smile which is slowly breaking. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore and I’m struggling. I wish the strength I have been given was enough, but I need to find the strength in myself now.

I haven’t had the worst life, but it definitely wasn’t the best. I’m doing my best to make it better, but I need to be able to stay awake to get anywhere. I’ve been trying to focus on the good in my life, and it does help to have some sunshine in the storm, I just wish all I could focus on was the good.

I am strong, but I could be stronger, and that’s what I’m going to try to work on before it’s too late.

Looking Forward

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Do you ever just look at someone and know that no matter what happens that everything will be okay? You could have your entire world destroyed and just seeing their face restores everything back to normal. I have that, and I have had that for quite a while.

He has been in my life for quite a while now, and I have never felt safer than I do with him. Outside of giving me hope and happiness, he gave me the strength to keep moving forward. I believe now that I can keep going, and things will get better.

When I think about the future, it isn’t dull anymore. I actually smile when I think about all the adventures we will have and the small things we will share. Even now, as we’re sitting on Skype and he’s playing a game, I can’t help but smile when I look at him.

Outside of being my boyfriend, he’s my best friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side as I attempt to navigate this crazy world.

Emotional Runaway

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I am extremely tired, physically and mentally. I keep trying and pushing forward, I just wish it could go faster. I feel like I’m being held down by everyone else’s problems, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not in the position to go off the grid and disappear yet, but I can let my mind go and wander.

If I let my mental state run away, I think I would be better off. I would be a bit of a robot, but maybe that would be better right now. I will still care and have feelings, just not as many. I can’t control the situations that surround me, but I can control myself.

I’m going to let go for a while, and I will just focus on my future; I won’t have one if I give up, so I need to keep going.

Growing Up

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As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.

The Truth

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For the past few days, I’ve been extremely angry and I finally figured out why. I cannot stand fake people, and it pisses me off to know end when people say they care when they clearly don’t. Honestly, this is one of the reasons why I don’t hang out with many people.

I’m naturally short-tempered and it physically hurts me when I’m around fake people; I don’t have the patience for it. If you don’t like me, fine, but don’t act like you do. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest. Yeah, it’ll sting a bit but not as much as a lie.

I am under too much stress to deal with this, and I can barely function as it is. I have maybe three people in my life that I trust with my life, but that’s it.

I hope everyone has a good day, and hopefully I’ll calm down as the hours pass.

Figuring Things Out

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This week has been a long one and I really don’t know how to feel about it. I’m not happy or sad about what’s happened, just here. There are still things that make me happy, but I have to hold onto them with a tight grip so I don’t fall too deep.

I’m happy this week is coming to an end, and I really hope things get better next week. This weekend, I will be doing school work and planning out more things for the blog. I need to stay focused on the good things in my life and my future.

Mistakes Happen

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Today marks the first day that a morning post is an afternoon post. Due to stress, I haven’t been sleeping very well, and I just woke up a little bit ago. I’m extremely upset about this, and I feel like a fuck up. I’m trying to look at it as “shit happens”, but it’s hard for me to do.

My absolutely wonderful boyfriend, though, is telling me it’ll be okay and I trust him. I’m not going to give up, but maybe I should alter my schedule to one post when the sun is out and one post when the moon is out per day.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to write this post now. If I keep telling myself that, I feel better about it. I love this project, and I’m not going to give up on it; this blog has given me an outlet that I never really had before. I feel like I’m apart of something outside of myself and each day I get excited to write. This blog has given me my creativity back, and I’m not going to lose it again.

No Longer Afraid

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For the longest time, I have felt like I’ve been under a microscope. This stems from people keeping up with my life that I’m no longer in contact with. Because of this, I constantly doubt myself, and fear that every action I take is being watched. I do my best every day, but the feeling of having eyes on me still lingers.

I am fighting it, thought, by continuing to put myself out there. I’m not going to shut down because someone wants to read up on me. I made the decision last night to go full force and to write what I want to write about without censoring myself.

I can’t keep hiding to protect the feelings of those who never protected mine. I’m not standing down anymore. If you want to keep up with Paige, do it. If you want to talk about me, do it. I’m no longer afraid to be myself, and I will continue to stay strong.

Starting Now

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Today’s the day that I write about him… sort of. I still won’t be mentioning his name or anything personal, but I am tired of not writing about this guy. He’s a major part of my life and I think it’s only fair to write a piece about him on this blog. I wouldn’t be where I am emotionally if it weren’t for him and I want to share this. I am currently with him and he doesn’t know I’m writing about him (but he did just ask me if I was writing my post).

Every time I sit down to write about him, all of my thoughts blur together because there’s so much to say. I never know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start of by saying how truly amazing he is. I have never met someone so genuine and pure, and he amazes me everyday. For once in my life, I don’t feel alone and I never thought I would feel that way.

This paragraph was going to be about my feelings for him, but I don’t really know how to put it in words. I feel like I’m in high school again, falling in love for the first time. I get butterflies and forget how to talk, and everything feels light and heavy at the same time. I find myself smiling for no reason at all, and just looking at him makes me feel safe.

I’m struggling to figure out what it is about him; everything feels different this time, and it still shocks me that we’re together. I fall for him every day. I finally found my home.

My Way

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Today was riddled with panic attacks and getting lost in my thoughts. I got to thinking about the problems I face and the people I have crossed paths with. I try to take something good away from all my interactions, but that’s not always the case. I have a habit of attracting people who are far from aligning with me and I don’t realize it until I’m too deep.

Fortunately, I have been able to realize that I’ve gained strength from all of my bad experiences. Not all of my bad experiences are life-shattering, but they all leave their marks. Some of these times in my life fade without a trace except for the memory of them, while others continue to try to find their way back into my life. Due to my anxiety, I have gained paranoia and constantly feel like I’m under a microscope.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be 100% honest, which I still try to do but I sensor myself and avoid certain topics. I have my reasons for keeping certain things private, one of them being that I don’t want to cause drama. I just wish I could write in length about the good things without shit hitting the fan.

The one thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I am truly happy and I’m not going to let these people hold me back. I’m an open book, and I want to share my story with the world no matter what it takes. Starting tomorrow, I will be heading in another new direction with Rooplixoo and I am confident that it will be okay.