There’s only a few more days and so much that still needs to be done. I am so emotionally drained at this point and I know that feeling won’t go away for a while. I know what I have to do, but it’s hard to not get overwhelmed.
I know everything will be okay, but it would be extremely helpful if I didn’t feel like I was hitting a wall every 5 seconds. I keep going, though, and I won’t stop.
I will get through this… we will get through this, no matter what it takes.
Nothing really eventful happened, but I did get to spend time with my mom. We sat on the couch, ate sandwiches and watched Undercover Boss. We also played Word Whomp on her phone, which we’ve played for years. We’re both so stressed and wound up all the time, but it brings me comfort to know we can sit down and do nothing together.
I’m not the easiest person to get along with, not by a long shot, but she knows how to work around my moods. I can be a downright bitch, and she still loves me and I can never repay her for being the mother and friend I’ve needed and wanted.
We don’t always see eye to eye, but at the end of the day, family is all that matters. I will always be grateful for all the nights she stayed up when I had a fever, and all the early mornings that we did crafts together.
I’m beyond lucky to have her as a mom, and I hope she knows that even though I can be an unbearable mess that I always love and respect her.
I love you, mama!
I honestly don’t know where I would be without him. I am dreading this week, but he has taken a lot of my pain away. I have had so many people fuck me over and hurt me, and so much has happened that is out of my control, and he still manages to make me smile.
I am having such a hard time dealing with everything in my life right now, and I know I’m slipping deeper with each blow I’m dealt. I’m not going to be working much this week, but will be going full force come Monday.
I hope everyone keeps pushing forward and doesn’t stop.
Today was extremely draining for me, and the rest of the week will be just as tough. I am so stressed and tired, and I feel like almost everyone has dropped me. I hate that I am the way I am, but I’m trying to see the good in myself in an attempt to feel better.
I don’t know what I can do anymore except to keep moving forward. I struggle to let go and move on from things that have happened to me, but I’m doing my best, just like everyone else. I’ve gotten to the point that I can block out a lot through temporarily shutting down or spacing out.
I struggle every day of my life, but it all boils down to me and how I’m going to handle it. All I can do for now is to keep pushing through all the shit until the day I am out. I am stronger than my situation, and I need to get through it.
I have reached the end of the first week with my rewards chart. I didn’t do everything I needed to do to earn a reward, but I was definitely more productive and I’m proud of myself. I don’t expect I will be fully immersed in my new schedule for another week or so, but I will keep pushing myself until I am.
In all honesty, I’m not too worried about the rewards as much as I’m worried about getting my work done. No, I didn’t do as much as I needed to do but I still did something each day and that’s the whole point of having the chart!
I had a few rough days, and I still managed to get stuff done, which I was never able to do before! I’m going to be working more tonight and into the weekend because I’ve started to feel anxious when I’m not being productive (which is a good thing).
I hope everyone has a great night and a wonderful weekend, and for the Star Wars fans out there, may the fourth be with you!
My plans never pan out the way I want or need them to, so my goal is to work all night until my eyes fall out of my head. Today was rough, but nothing bad can happen when I’m the only one awake. I work better at night anyway, so I have no problem staying up. I took a nap and I have a full supply of caffeine and cupcakes.
Before I buckle in for my coding trip, I will be playing more Stardew Valley and messing around on my ukulele. I need to be relaxed before I even consider booting my virtual machine again.
I hope everyone has a good night, and if any of you are staying up for most of the night, enjoy whatever you’re doing and remember to relax!
Sometimes, things happen that motivate us to get up and push through it all. I had that just now. I was really upset this morning and decided to take a nap. It’s weird how actual dreams have pushed me to keep working on my goals.
I had this dream that I just pushed everything off my desk, got up and just left. I would love to be able to just do whatever I want, whenever I want, and to do that, I need to get through school. I’m three lessons away from finishing the unit I’m on and only two away from being caught up on the new curriculum, which I plan on knocking out once I’m fully awake.
The next thing I need is money, which means I need to work. Once I feel like I’ve done enough school work, I will be making my way through some work and getting some hours in.
I don’t know why such a simple dream makes me feel so driven, but I like it. Maybe when I’m done, I’ll make a dream board so I have a place to put all my goals and dreams for the near future!
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my anger, depression and suicidal tendencies, as well as my submissive behavior (apologizing for everything, agreeing to something to avoid conflict, etc). I finally realized it. For a majority of my life, I have been blamed for everything and seen as someone who never does enough.
For the longest time, I’ve blamed myself. I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything, and it even became a wish of mine that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to disappear so my mere existence wouldn’t hurt the ones around me. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t really question these thoughts. On occasion, I would speak out in anger or oppose arguments that I knew weren’t true, but I sat quietly with my thoughts for a majority of it.
“My existence bothers other people and it’s my fault.” I now realize just how fucked up that thought is… in fact, all of these thoughts of self-doubt are fucked up. I don’t care if this next sentence is seen as cocky or obnoxious, but I am a beautiful, intelligent, driven young woman and what I do shouldn’t be measured by what others think of me and I shouldn’t be held to the standards of what they think is right and “perfect”. No, I’m not independent, and yeah, I still live at home at 22, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. Every life moves at a different pace, and every person learns and grows when they’re supposed to.
I know it is human nature to judge others, and we all do it, but I will no longer be seen as a bad person. I will no longer be held to the outrageous standards that have been placed for me. I am Paige, and even though I’m still fighting with my inner self, I finally have leverage and have the potential to stand tall.
I am good enough for me, so anyone who doesn’t see me that way can go on wasting their time because I won’t anymore.
This morning is not going to be very productive because one of my favorite games, Stardew Valley, came out with multiplayer today. I absolutely love this game and, so far, multiplayer has made it a whole new experience for me.
Once I’m done being productive on a virtual farm, I will be working and getting through some lessons. I feel really good this morning, and surprisingly focused so I want to take advantage of it before my concentration goes away.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Today was the first day using my reward chart, and I didn’t do half bad. I got a couple of hours of work done, and a few lessons. It’s not my main goal for each day, but I think it’s a step in the right direction and I’m proud of myself.
I wasn’t going to give myself the completion heart or flower doodle (I didn’t get stickers today) because I didn’t reach my goal, but I think I earned it because I did my best and I accomplished something. I’m proud of myself and that alone deserves the doodles!
Each day, I will do more work and lessons and eventually I will reach and even surpass my goals for my day-to-day life. I am very happy with myself, and that alone is a reason to celebrate!
I hope everyone had a great Monday and remembers to celebrate the small milestones!
The Change 