Roo – Page 18 – The Change

The Strangest Thing

Published on April 24, 2018April 24, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Over the past couple of days, my boyfriend and I have realized something we have in common: we are major nerds. We have spent hours watching videos and doing research on the original equator and how ancient civilizations connect to one another.

We keep bouncing ideas off of each other and getting excited when we reach the same conclusion. We’re learning a lot and coming up with our own theories, and I have never felt so happy about staring at a screen.

My mind is fried but I want to keep going… I need to keep going. I love learning about history and ancient cultures.

Weakened Strength

Published on April 23, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

As with every other tattoo I have gotten, I’m sick. I’m achy and tired and nauseous and I don’t understand why I keep putting myself through this. I can’t stand how sensitive my body is with everything, but it does cut my healing time in half because it’s always trying to heal itself.

I absolutely love everything about my tattoos. Thinking about what I want to making the appointment and getting it done. Even waiting for it to heal is exciting, because each day is one day closer to it being completely finished. I just can’t stand how sick it makes me. I know I have at least another 3 days, and I’m hoping this time will go by quickly.

I’m going to get some rest, and shorten my recovery period even more. I hope everyone had a lovely Monday and sleeps well tonight!

Beauty is Pain

Published on April 23, 2018 by Roo3 Comments

I know what you’re going to ask…. “Paige, why is the main picture of you lying down with your shirt on backwards?” Well, kind reader, I got another tattoo! I spent my Sunday afternoon face down with a needle in my back. In that picture, I look like I’m in pain, which I was and still am, but the result was worth it!

My tattoo is of forget-me-nots, based off of a painting by Mary Walcott. This is my 6th tattoo, and by far the most painful. I absolutely love forget-me-not flowers. They’re flowers are tiny and sweet, and hold a very special place in my heart as far as flowers are concerned.

Forget-me-nots make me feel not so insignificant. If such a tiny flower can thrive and grow, I can, too. I will not be forgotten, nor disregarded. They remind me that even though I have experienced a lot of loss, that the memories will live on. Outside of the deeper meaning they have for me, they’re blue and I absolutely love blue!

When I got my first tattoo (which I will go into in another post), I swore to myself that I would never get another one. Now that I’m here waiting for my most recent one to heal, I love all of my tattoos. They have given me confidence to love my body.

Did I ever think I would be 22 with blue hair and tattoos? No, not in 3 lifetimes, but I’m finally able to hold my head high and love myself.

Bottled Up

Published on April 20, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

I Survived

Published on April 19, 2018April 19, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I just have to look at it as tomorrow is another day if I want to get through this. The days will start to blur together and make months, and those months into years. Eventually, I will spread my wings and soar and be free.

Until then, I will continue to keep my head down, and do my work and enjoy my time with the ones I truly love. I will sleep and wake up, and make my way through this battle against my mind. As long as I keep getting up, I will have a future.

One more day and we’re at the weekend. Sunday, I will be doing something very special for myself. I’m hoping that this thing will make me feel better and get back on track. I will be sharing this experience with all of you on Monday, but it will remain a secret until then. I enjoy secrets and surprises, probably a little too much but it gives me something to focus on.

I hope everyone has a great night and keeps fighting for a better tomorrow.

An Open Letter

Published on April 19, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

A Long Night Ahead

Published on April 18, 2018April 18, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Early this morning, it came to my attention that my school added a lot of work to the curriculum. They added new lessons to existing sections, and a ton of new sections. I will be spending tonight playing catch up with all the new information provided.

I don’t mind learning, I will probably always be a student in one way or another. I do have an issue, though… My notes! I have a very organized binder with a table of contents and page numbers. The new sections will be easy to add in, but the new lessons in the old sections are the issue. I am going to be creating an addendum for the new pages of notes I will have to add so I don’t have to rewrite my table of contents or redo all of the page numbers.

I have a meeting in the morning with an educational coach, and I want to really impress them, so I’m pulling an all night study session! I’m really nervous about this meeting, even though it will be fine. I do well in meetings and interviews, so I have nothing to worry about, but I’m still freaking out!

I’m going to watch a few videos to relax before I dive into my night of work. Wish me luck!

Giving Up

Published on April 18, 2018April 18, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

Memory Hiccup

Published on April 17, 2018April 17, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Due to bad memory and a lot of things going on, I forgot about my month-iversary. We technically have two days because of the time difference, so we will be celebrating more tomorrow, too. We had fun today, though. We played games, watched a movie and just enjoyed each other’s company. It’s the simple things that make the best memories.

I know it’s kind of silly to celebrate each month, but time is a very big part of a LDR. Whether the days seem to be dragging on or moving at light speed, time is still moving and every second counts. It’s nice to have these little milestones to show us that we’re still going strong.

Like any relationship, LDRs take just as much work and communication. The only main difference is the lack of being physical, and I don’t mean sexually. Not being able to cuddle or hold their hand can drive you to the point of trying to reach through your screen. One thing that I find helps is talking about all the things we’re going to do when we’re together… which is basically everything we do now, but in person and with kissing!

Happy Month-iversary, sweetheart. Here’s to many more!

Exhausted

Published on April 17, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I woke up at 3 AM today and I regret not going back to sleep. I don’t know why I woke up then, but hopefully I will make it through the day without taking a nap. I did get some work done, though, and I got to talk to my boyfriend so I’m not complaining.

We’re going to watch a movie soon, but we’re still deciding on what to watch. As simple as watching a movie is, I truly cherish every moment I spend with him. Getting to look over and know he’s there makes my entire day. I just hope that I don’t fall asleep during the movie like I usually do.

I’m too tired to keep writing, but I will hopefully be more awake tonight. Have a good day, everyone!