I have had a headache since about 2 PM today and it’s not letting up. I’m pretty sure I have the flu, so I’m going to keep this post short.
I hope everyone had a great day.
Distractions
I just woke up from a nap, and I am trying to plan out my day. I don’t have much planned, but I’m trying.
I’m going to spend the day looking over my notes for school and trying to get all of the coding information back into my mind. Maybe I’ll even make some flash cards for myself, I have plenty of index cards on my desk!
I hope everyone keeps pushing forward!
I Don’t Understand
This is going to be a more serious post. Recently, my depression has started to creep back in, bringing anxiety along with it. I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until earlier today when I took a nap.
When my depression is getting near its peak, I start to have dreams that have a beginning, middle and end, and they play out like a normal day. The longer I have these dreams, I start to blur my dreams with reality. The good thing is that I’m aware that it’s happening, but with the awareness comes panic attacks because the question of, “what’s real?” still lingers.
I’ve been having panic attacks since about 3 PM today, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. I’m trying to stay positive, and focus on the good things, but it’s really hard when I sit here and question whether or not they’re real.
A Secret for My Secret
I think by now, it should be obvious that the person I refer to as them or they is a new boy in my life. This boy has really lightened my life and, even though I still get depressed, he instills hope in me. I will not be revealing their identity just yet, but I possibly will soon.
So, I have a secret for this boy. It’s a birthday gift that I’ve started working on… months in advance! I get excited planning out gifts. It gives me something to do and I love surprising people with gifts.
He knows that I’ve started planning his birthday out, but he has no idea what I’m doing. I can’t wait for him to open it!
Train of Thought
In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.
I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.
With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.
One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.
Opinions
Opinions are great things. They have the power to bring like-minded people together, but it can also push people apart. I have many opinions that I tend not to share as to avoid causing any problems or confrontation. Unfortunately, some people feel that they not only need to share their opinions, but push their thoughts as if they were facts.
I have no problem with people speaking their minds, everyone does it. What I don’t appreciate is when people either tell me that my opinions are wrong, or when they try to force their thoughts on me. I’m all for freedom of speech, and I will defend everyone’s right to speaking freely, even if I don’t agree with them. It’s not a matter of taking away that right or freedom, rather the lack of respect when doing so that I would like to eliminate.
This weekend, the subject of political views came into the spotlight. Not mine, but someone who I’m very close to. They basically said that they hoped he wasn’t a Conservative. Now, for the record, he is not, but what if he was? He has the right to be one. People shouldn’t be judged on whether or they’re a good or bad person based on being either a Conservative or a Liberal.
A good person is good, and a bad person is bad. With that being said, “good” and “bad” are subjective; I know that I like to think of myself as a good person, and I am also aware of the fact that there are plenty of people out there that think I’m a complete asshole.
We sit here and preach acceptance and equality, until someone with a different opinion comes along. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I am 100% guilty to telling someone with a different opinion to mine that they’re wrong. We, as people, are flawed.
I think once everyone truly accepts the fact that everyone thinks differently, it will solve a lot of problems… but that’s just my opinion.
Sleepovers and Sandwiches
Today was a very nice day. I got to have a sleepover with my best friend. I haven’t had a sleepover in so long, and it was just nice to have someone there with me as I fell asleep.
After I woke up (they are still sleeping as I write this), my mom and I went to the store and got stuff to make sandwiches! Normally, sandwich night is on Monday, but I think sandwiches is a good way to end the week!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Friday and has a great weekend!
Different Pieces, Same Puzzle
There are many pieces to a puzzle that make up a beautiful picture. There are two main pieces to puzzles: the edges, which frame the bigger picture, and the inner pieces that are a collection of tiny details that eventually all fit together. Without the edges, there would be no structure. Without the inner pieces, there would be no story.
Today, as always, I was talking to that certain someone. We spent a long time talking about what we want in the future. Where I have all these ideas of what I want to do but don’t know where I’ll end up, their end goal is to be happy and will do what it takes to get there.
As we talked about the future, I started to see the edges and the center come together and make a beautiful mess, filled with trips and dreams. A picture is worth a thousand words, and I was left speechless. The details are a bit rough, but I like it that way.
Them
Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.
There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.
They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.
They are my home.
Just Like That
I was relaxed, not fully but I was getting there. My allergies are acting up, and I have a headache that’s so painful that it’s becoming difficult to focus.
I have a terrible temper, which I am desperately trying to gain control over. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I’ve been angry for so long, that the smallest things in existence, that most people wouldn’t notice, set me off. My anger isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’m playing the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability.
Due to my anger problem, I get headaches a lot because I tend to think and over-think situations that don’t matter; for some reason, I find the importance in everything that happens around me and sometimes it’s good, but a lot of the times it’s not. I am constantly stressed by myself and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost the battle to my mind.
I’m tired of being like this.
The Change 