I just woke up from a nap, and I am trying to plan out my day. I don’t have much planned, but I’m trying.
I’m going to spend the day looking over my notes for school and trying to get all of the coding information back into my mind. Maybe I’ll even make some flash cards for myself, I have plenty of index cards on my desk!
I hope everyone keeps pushing forward!
This is going to be a more serious post. Recently, my depression has started to creep back in, bringing anxiety along with it. I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until earlier today when I took a nap.
When my depression is getting near its peak, I start to have dreams that have a beginning, middle and end, and they play out like a normal day. The longer I have these dreams, I start to blur my dreams with reality. The good thing is that I’m aware that it’s happening, but with the awareness comes panic attacks because the question of, “what’s real?” still lingers.
I’ve been having panic attacks since about 3 PM today, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. I’m trying to stay positive, and focus on the good things, but it’s really hard when I sit here and question whether or not they’re real.
I think by now, it should be obvious that the person I refer to as them or they is a new boy in my life. This boy has really lightened my life and, even though I still get depressed, he instills hope in me. I will not be revealing their identity just yet, but I possibly will soon.
So, I have a secret for this boy. It’s a birthday gift that I’ve started working on… months in advance! I get excited planning out gifts. It gives me something to do and I love surprising people with gifts.
He knows that I’ve started planning his birthday out, but he has no idea what I’m doing. I can’t wait for him to open it!
In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.
I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.
With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.
One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.
Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.
There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.
They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.
They are my home.
I was relaxed, not fully but I was getting there. My allergies are acting up, and I have a headache that’s so painful that it’s becoming difficult to focus.
I have a terrible temper, which I am desperately trying to gain control over. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I’ve been angry for so long, that the smallest things in existence, that most people wouldn’t notice, set me off. My anger isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’m playing the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability.
Due to my anger problem, I get headaches a lot because I tend to think and over-think situations that don’t matter; for some reason, I find the importance in everything that happens around me and sometimes it’s good, but a lot of the times it’s not. I am constantly stressed by myself and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost the battle to my mind.
I’m tired of being like this.
This day has been pretty good so far, except for the snow piling up outside! I had leftover Chinese food for breakfast, and I’m currently in a call with some pretty cool people. I’m hoping to get some school work done today, but that won’t be until later.
Hopefully, the snow won’t get to the point of knocking out the internet… kind of need that for everything I do. It doesn’t look like the snow is going to let up any time soon, so all I can do is keep working until I can’t.
In my last post, I talked about the ongoing war of emotions I face and the decision I had to make. Well, I made one. Unfortunately, it’s not the happiest of options.
I have decided that everyone who is truly close to me I will care about, but everyone else I will shutdown for. I no longer have the energy to care about or trust people I don’t know or care to know, nor do I want the hassle of their problems.
Eventually, when I’m not a cyclone of feelings, I will start to let new people in, but I am too tired to keep putting energy towards those who won’t put any towards me.
I can’t stop yawning, and I keeping doing the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. My emotions are draining all of my energy and I don’t know what to do.
My first mistake was lowering my gates and thinning out my thick skin. I can be warm and caring, or a frigid bitch. Some people can switch off their emotions when they please. When I turn mine off, it’s very difficult for me to turn them back on and could end in complete isolation.
I now have to make a decision: continue to let my emotions to drain me and deal with the repercussions from them, or to turn them off completely and deal with those repercussions.
I have always taken naps during the day, and been able to sleep at night. I have also been able to stay up for days at a time without skipping a beat. I can change my sleep pattern with a snap of my fingers, as well as being able to survive on 4 hours of sleep a night.
Over the past few days, I have been extremely tired, to the point of only being able to stay up for a couple of hours at a time before being so exhausted that I need to take a nap. I don’t know if it’s from the fall I took last month, if I’m sick or if it’s my stress/depression.
I had a fever on Sunday, but my stress has caused fevers so I can’t say for sure that I have the flu or a cold. I have also felt weak and slightly dizzy. Unfortunately for me, my symptoms could be from all three so the only thing I can do that I know will help is sleep.
Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop playing games until 2 AM, or maybe I’m finally catching up on my sleep after all these years. I just hope I go back to my normal sleep routine soon.
The Change 